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Nymtoc
04-18-2012, 04:11 AM
No wish? Oh, well...

I wish that Drachen Jager would be my bartender and provide me with free drinks for life.

PorterStarrByrd
04-18-2012, 04:18 AM
No wish? Oh, well...

I wish that Drachen Jager would be my bartender and provide me with free drinks for life.

Granted

Alas .. Drachen has been diagnosed as having the worst case of termanal thought ever encountered. Drachen may last another week. Make your plans accordingly.



I wish I had a 2x4 dispenser

JDM1950
04-18-2012, 05:18 PM
Granted, but it spews out a frog every 10 seconds and there is no "stop" button.

I wish I was an extra in the new "Hobbit" movie.

Ms. Jem
04-19-2012, 06:45 AM
Granted. You are an extra in the new 'Hobbit' movie. You know how long those movies are, they never end. This one isn't any different. Enjoy your new, permanent existence.

I wish for 8 hours of sleep!

Drachen Jager
04-19-2012, 07:38 AM
Granted. They will come over the next month... mostly when you're driving.

I wish I was a pirate.

Nymtoc
04-19-2012, 08:05 AM
Granted. You have been pirating CDs and DVDs for the past three years, but the Feds have caught up with you. You face 25 years to life.

I wish I could turn out a novel every 11 days (see my sig).

CDSinex
04-19-2012, 09:25 AM
Granted: To go with your new prolificacy, the Genie throws in a larger mail box to accommodate the sudden influx of rejection slips.

I wish I could avoid doing things I don't want to do.

Drachen Jager
04-19-2012, 09:32 AM
Granted. They still don't get done. Your house stinks from all the garbage, your power and water are shut off from unpaid bills, and your manuscript is still an unedited jumble of half-baked ideas.

I wish all my ideas were entirely baked to golden perfection.

Nymtoc
04-19-2012, 11:33 AM
Granted. But they appear more brown than golden, and they are hard to distinguish from things that usually get flushed down the toilet.

I wish I had a flying horse.

JDM1950
04-19-2012, 04:38 PM
Granted, but it has only one wing, so you just fly around in circles...

I wish I could go back in time to the 1960s again... (I was going to write just "60s" but the next poster would've sent me to 760...)

Drachen Jager
04-19-2012, 08:05 PM
Granted. You consist of an ova and a yet-to-be-created sperm. Good luck with that!

I wish I had a superpower.

Nymtoc
04-19-2012, 08:33 PM
Granted. You can hear dog whistles.

I wish I could publish something that would provide me with enough royalties to make me rich for the rest of my life.

Drachen Jager
04-20-2012, 09:49 AM
Granted. For the duration of your life you will earn an average of $31,556,926 per year from your work. You will sell exactly one copy on Amazon for $0.99. That gives you a little under a second to enjoy it.

Don't spend it all in one place!

I wish I could live forever.

Nymtoc
04-20-2012, 10:35 AM
Granted. However, since unlimited lifetimes are not possible here, the Genie has arranged to have you transferred elsewhere after the end of your earthly existence, namely to Upsilon Andromedae (d), an exoplanet approximately 2.6 million light years from Earth, where you will be the only inhabitant for all eternity.

I wish I could become invisible.

Drachen Jager
04-20-2012, 09:26 PM
Granted. People still don't notice you.

I wish Nymtoc would disappear.

Robbert
04-20-2012, 09:40 PM
Granted: Just hand him a one way ticket to Upsilon Andromedae.

I wish some of my hens would lay golden eggs.

Nymtoc
04-20-2012, 10:48 PM
Granted. And you start selling them at huge prices. But soon buyers discover they are nothing but ordinary eggs covered with fake gold paint, and you are driven from town by peasants with pitchforks and torches.

I wish I had X-ray glasses.

Drachen Jager
04-20-2012, 10:58 PM
Granted. People are really creeped out by the two skeletal eye-sockets they see whenever you're wearing the glasses. Nothing changes from your perspective.

I wish I had a mountain of chocolate.

Nymtoc
04-20-2012, 11:28 PM
Granted. It is located just outside Huich'on, North Korea.

I wish I had the magic touch.

Drachen Jager
04-20-2012, 11:33 PM
Granted. Here it is.

You-oo-'ve got the magic touch (woo-oo)
It makes me glow so much (oo-woo-oo)
It casts a spell, it rings a bell
The magic touch

Oh-uh-oh when I feel your charm (woo-oo)
It's like a fourth alarm (oo-woo-oo)
You make me thrill so much
You've got the magic touch

If I go reeling, uh-oh
I'm feeling the glow (uh-oh)
But where can I go from you

I didn't know too much (woo-oo)
And then I felt your touch (oo-woo-oo)
And now I've learned I can return
The magic touch

If I go reeling, uh-oh
I'm feeling the glow (uh-oh)
But where can I go from you

I didn't know too much (woo-oo)
And then I felt your touch (oo-woo-oo)
And now I've learned I can return
The magic touch
(Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-dooooo)

Yours to sing as you please (though if you earn any money there may be royalty issues).

I wish I knew what it took to write a string of bestsellers.

Nymtoc
04-20-2012, 11:47 PM
Granted. Unfortunately for you, it takes talent.

I wish Drachen Jager would crawl into a quantum box and stay there.

Drachen Jager
04-21-2012, 12:51 AM
Granted. The quantum box is actually the receptacle which gives God all his powers. God is ousted and Drachen Jager is moved in to the position of ultimate authority and omnipotence in his stead. Better say nice things about him from now on unless you're fast enough to dodge a lightning bolt.

I wish I was omnipotent.

Nymtoc
04-21-2012, 12:55 AM
Granted. You are omnipotent in your little room with the padded walls, and you don't let those people in white coats push you around!

I wish I could sing like Willie Nelson.

Drachen Jager
04-21-2012, 02:21 AM
Granted. You can sing, "Like Willie Nelson". Strange choice of lyrics, but to each their own I suppose.

I wish I had one of those "human cannonball" cannons in my backyard and the ability to persuade people of my choice to, "try it out".

Nymtoc
04-21-2012, 01:53 PM
Granted. You have such a cannon, and you persuade many people to let you shoot them through the air. Unfortunately, when they land they all show severe signs of PTSD, and they are filing a class action lawsuit against you for $5,000,000.

I wish I knew how so many no-talent people can become celebrities.

Robbert
04-21-2012, 02:25 PM
Granted: Untalented people become celebrities due to endless support from even more untalented folks.

I wish I knew the difference between crispy- and crunchy crisps.

noema
04-22-2012, 11:09 AM
Granted: You can now eat nothing but crispy and crunchy chips until you can unequivocally tell the objective difference

I wish I didn't have to sleep

Robbert
04-22-2012, 01:29 PM
Granted: In order to recharge your batteries you need to purchase a D.(irect) D.(ude) C.(urrent) converter. Once sufficient funds have been received, the Genie is looking forward to turn you into a 24/7 workaholic.

I wish I could call Bashar Al-Assad on his mobile phone.

Drachen Jager
04-23-2012, 12:47 AM
Granted. All you get is his machine, but a goon squad is on it's way to you immediately after (he has a surprisingly long reach).

I wish that every raindrop was a lemon-drop or gum-drop.

noema
04-23-2012, 12:56 AM
Grated: The world dies.

I wish there was milk in my house so I could have a cappuccino

Robbert
04-23-2012, 03:07 PM
Granted: Milk is now in your fridge, plonk. Have your cuppaccino and immediately return to sender (the milk), a few more AWers seem to have run out as well.

I wish my party leaders would stop bullying me.

JDM1950
04-23-2012, 04:23 PM
Granted - You're invited to the nerd party next door. Bring your own Android.

I wish had my own private jet plane.

PorterStarrByrd
04-23-2012, 05:01 PM
Granted.. this one just became available. Check your fuel level as I think it may be a bit low.

http://images.eonline.com/eol_images/Entire_Site/20080920/425.barker.am.crash.092008.jpg


I wish there are such things as innocent children

Nymtoc
04-24-2012, 09:15 AM
Granted. They haven't met Porter yet.

I wish publishers would beat a path to my door.

Drachen Jager
04-24-2012, 10:06 AM
Granted. They are carrying torches, pitchforks and a legal affidavit which forces you to cease all querying, writing, storytelling, or even thinking about words on of punishment of death by paper cuts.

I wish all the big six publishers wanted to publish my manuscript.

Nymtoc
04-24-2012, 10:21 AM
Granted. You have received offers from Dingleberry Press; Mom 'n Pop Gospel Books; Homeopathy, Ltd.; Taffy Turtle Tales; Snopes Bros., Inc.; and Publishamerica.

The Genie hopes those are the publishers you had in mind. :animal


I wish Big Brother would stop following me around.

noema
04-24-2012, 10:54 AM
Granted, Big Brother is removed by some aliens who decided you look extra tasty.

I wish I could actually meet my favorite book character

JDM1950
04-24-2012, 12:22 PM
Granted, the genie assumes you mean the homicidal clown in the sewer from Stephen King's "It."

I wish I received a substantial pay raise.

noema
04-24-2012, 12:35 PM
oh god I had nightmare's about that clown as a child.

Granted. The pay rise goes along with your new job description, speech writer for the antichrist.

I wish I could visit the future

Robbert
04-24-2012, 02:35 PM
Disclaimer: It's a one way ticket. The Genie's supernatural power is limited insofar as it lacks the knowledge to turn back the clock. Still willing?

I wish I could explain the beauty of colours to a blind person.

Nymtoc
04-24-2012, 02:42 PM
Granted. You do it by touching and feeling. You are arrested.

I wish I knew whether the people next door are space aliens or not.

Robbert
04-24-2012, 04:14 PM
Granted: Just watch their diet. If it's rich in fibre they are humans. If it only consists of liquids they are aliens.

I wish I knew what triangular lollipops taste like.

Drachen Jager
04-24-2012, 09:22 PM
Granted. Same as the regular ones, with the added tang of blood from the corners poking into your cheeks.

I wish that I had the power to make things I see in a movie real.

PorterStarrByrd
04-24-2012, 09:29 PM
I wish that I had the power to make things I see in a movie real.

Granted

Most movies have drapes in at least one scene ... we'll start you there and see how that works out



I wish I had a new set of curtains for my bathroom

Drachen Jager
04-24-2012, 09:52 PM
Granted. It's curtains for you! Genie has a little trouble with euphemisms sometimes. If you didn't want that Mafia hit squad sent to your bathroom next time you're on the loo, just let me know... Oh. Nevermind, I see it's too late.

I wish I could have superpowers that I pick and choose from my favourite characters.

Nymtoc
04-24-2012, 10:20 PM
Granted. After assiduously looking into your background, the Genie has found that your favorite characters are Dracula and Dumbo. You are a flying vampire.

I wish I had a portable escalator for climbing hills.

Drachen Jager
04-24-2012, 10:41 PM
Granted. It weighs 700 pounds and folds down into the size of a very large backpack.

I wish I had thousands of fans who admired my work.

Nymtoc
04-24-2012, 11:53 PM
Granted. Multiply this by several thousand and make anthropomorphic.

http://i1213.photobucket.com/albums/cc465/muggo5/FAN.jpg

I wish we could go back to the good old days.

noema
04-25-2012, 12:00 AM
Granted, the snow is three feet high, you're bare foot, and you are your grandfather.

I wish I had a holodeck

Drachen Jager
04-25-2012, 01:01 AM
Granted. The termites have tunnelled through every board in your deck.

I wish there was such a thing as a free lunch.

PorterStarrByrd
04-25-2012, 01:12 AM
I wish there was such a thing as a free lunch.

Granted
There are leftover from Thanksgiving in the fridge. Help yourself. If you are thirsty there is water in sauna.


I wish I knew where poodles hid when I am around

Nymtoc
04-25-2012, 01:42 AM
Granted. They are in the woodhouse behind the barn. They don't like the look of those shears in your hand.

I wish people wouldn't make such silly wishes.

PorterStarrByrd
04-25-2012, 01:45 AM
I wish people wouldn't make such silly wishes.


Granted
But you'll have to remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, usually your downfall.


I wish I knew what to do with poodle wool

noema
04-25-2012, 02:05 AM
Granted, you're now bald, but at least you have a fabulous poodle hair wig

I wish I had a wishing tree

Drachen Jager
04-25-2012, 05:03 AM
Granted. The tree wishes it had a new owner (understandable really). Now you have a wishing tree shaped hole in your yard.

I wish I had a cookie tree.

Nymtoc
04-25-2012, 05:40 AM
Granted. Well, sort of. You have a brownie tree. The problem is that the brownies are identical to those made by Alice B. Toklas. The cops, an elite squad from the Drug Control Unit, and the RCMP are on their way.

I wish I could invent a video game that would make me rich the rest of my life.

Drachen Jager
04-25-2012, 06:51 AM
(Nymtoc has apparently never been to Vansterdam as our city is sometimes called)

Granted. As with all of your other 'rich for life' schemes, this one earns you millions averaged out per year of the rest of your life, which comes out to something under a dollar.

I wish everyone would trust me implicitly, no matter what I tell them.

noema
04-25-2012, 07:19 AM
Granted. Everything you say is now accepted at face value. Sarcastic or subtle interactions are of course impossible.

I wish everyone who posts motivational messages on facebook would first consider whether they makes any sense

Nymtoc
04-25-2012, 07:55 AM
Granted. They consider, then post anyway.

I wish I had Aladdin's magic lamp.

noema
04-25-2012, 08:39 AM
Hah I knew that would be the retort :P Sadly, it's probably the most likely scenario...

Granted. You get his lamp as long as you wear his little vest and voluminous pants.

I wish Santa were real

Drachen Jager
04-25-2012, 09:54 AM
Granted. You are a permanent fixture on the naughty list. You do know who takes care of the naughty list right? Meet Krampus.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xhTBM0dGP_0/TvSp1h7T77I/AAAAAAAAA1Q/YaADw-eArPs/s1600/krampus1.jpg

I wish the newly-made-real Santa will keep me on his good list forever.

noema
04-25-2012, 10:00 AM
lolol now i will have nightmares... god, that tongue

Granted: but since I doubt those sorts of photos are allowed on this site, i won't put up an image of what santa does to the nice boys and girls

I wish there was an oh-god-of-hangovers

PorterStarrByrd
04-25-2012, 05:12 PM
I wish there was an oh-god-of-hangovers

Granted

Thers is one, you visit him daily, he continues to laugh at you




I wish poodle hair toupees were not so itchy

Robbert
04-25-2012, 05:56 PM
Granted: You've just been sent a screaming gaudy, spiky iguana wig. Please take a picture of yourself and show it to the rest of the AW community by making it your avatar.

I wish maple syrup was less sweet.

PorterStarrByrd
04-25-2012, 08:41 PM
I wish maple syrup was less sweet.


Denied
Watch out for lightning bolts, the genie does not tolerate such foolishness



I wish I could figure out how to tie this iguana down

CDSinex
04-26-2012, 08:40 AM
The Genie, who is wondering how many iguanas are needed to make an iguana down pillow, suggests gathering the iguana down, putting it in a pillow case and sewing it shut. Merely tying it would allow the iguana down to escape.

I wish people would not roll their eyes when I tell jokes.

Nymtoc
04-26-2012, 09:10 AM
Granted. They stick their fingers in their ears instead.

I wish I had a big rock candy mountain.

Robbert
04-26-2012, 01:40 PM
Granted: Your rock candy mountain attracts hordes of children. You decide to build a fence. The children climb over and under it. You install an electric fence charger, but soon get tired of children shouting abuse at you. You build a soundproof wall. The children dig a tunnel. You get your hands on a seismic monitoring kit. The children can't nick rock candy anymore, but pray for rain instead. It rains.

I wish I could reincarnate as a rich woman.

Nymtoc
04-26-2012, 02:10 PM
Granted. You are Marie Antoinette.

I wish I could turn the sky green or purple or pink when I want, just for variety.

PorterStarrByrd
04-26-2012, 06:04 PM
I wish I could turn the sky green or purple or pink when I want, just for variety.

Granted
here is a hand full of air brushes
Paint is in the garage



I wish my Iguana down pillow would hold still

Nymtoc
04-26-2012, 08:51 PM
Granted. You pour a gallon of corn liquor over the damned thing, and it quiets down. You'll have to deal with the smell some other way.

I wish that when I walk down the street, children didn't point at me and giggle.

Drachen Jager
04-26-2012, 08:56 PM
Granted. Now the adults do, the children laugh out loud.

I wish I had a muse.

PorterStarrByrd
04-26-2012, 08:58 PM
I wish that when I walk down the street, children didn't point at me and giggle.

Granted
You are now disguised as a human. Don't stay out after midnight because ... well yanow

I wish I had a gallion of corn syrup.

slcboston
04-26-2012, 09:00 PM
Granted. Now the adults do, the children laugh out loud.

I wish I had a muse.


Granted.

She (because the muses were all female) is Teprsichore, and she's been a little cranky lately. She also happens to be the muse of dance, and a pushy one. Expect to carry out all your conversations in interpretive dance from now on.



I wish I knew enough about computers and websites and coding.

Nymtoc
04-26-2012, 10:00 PM
Granted. You know enough for today, but tomorrow everything will have changed so much that you'll be in the dark again.

I wish I could fight the Minotaur and come out triumphant.

Drachen Jager
04-26-2012, 11:02 PM
Granted. Your imaginary friends cheer you on as you defeat the imaginary menace. The men in white coats put you in a room with nice soft walls so you don't hurt yourself.

I wish I had Wallace's techno-trousers.

Nymtoc
04-26-2012, 11:36 PM
The Genie has turned this wish over to his friend Gromit, who writes, "You can't have them!"

I wish Wallace and Gromit films would go on forever.

Drachen Jager
04-27-2012, 12:00 AM
Granted. You are the skiing robot, stuck on the moon with no friends and nobody to put the 5p in your coin slot to get you going again.

I wish I had my own private country.

CDSinex
04-27-2012, 06:46 AM
Granted: The Genie allows you to set up your own country on Tatlurutit, a large, 21,331 Sq mile (55,247 Sq Km,) uninhabited island in the Canadian arctic. Since the island has no communication services, Ottawa is unlikely to know you are there, and you should be able to rule unmolested by the federal government. The bears on the other hand …

I wish I knew “then” what I know “now.”

Drachen Jager
04-27-2012, 07:19 AM
Granted. You manage to send a message to your High School self. All those years ago, you heard a quiet voice saying, "When you're old and decrepit, you'll wish you knew now what you will know then." It didn't change anything.

I wish I could condense the skills of all the top writers and make it into a smoothie with frozen strawberries and vanilla yoghurt.

Robbert
04-27-2012, 01:49 PM
Granted: The smoothie is right in front of you. Take a sip. Now, Monsieur Jäger, avec the skills of all the top writers incorporated in one Geist, your scrittura creativa turns into an unintelligible Wortsalat.

I wish my lawyer can pay his utility bills.

PorterStarrByrd
04-27-2012, 05:13 PM
I wish my lawyer can pay his utility bills.

Don't worry about that ... It won't even take a wish if YOU pay your next bill from him NO MATTER HOW SHOCKING IT IS


I wish Texas was bigger than Rhode Island

Nymtoc
04-27-2012, 05:27 PM
Denied! Texas is already much, much too big. The Genie has shrunken Texas to a small plot of land on which there is a nonfunctioning oil well and Rick Perry standing guard with a semiautomatic rifle.

I wish I could meet Sherlock Holmes.

PorterStarrByrd
04-27-2012, 05:34 PM
I wish I could meet Sherlock Holmes.

????
You don't really want that do you because the only way that can happen is if you are dead and meet him in the next life because even genies cant do what genies cant do so the only way is the only way and despite your wretched life not likely to improve you probably want to keep your grimy fingers wrapped around it like a cony island hot dog so I'll wait and see if that is what you want to do is what you wished you could do because


I wish I could meet Mark Twain

slcboston
04-27-2012, 07:56 PM
Granted.

Twain smacks you around for that egregious abuse of the English language you perpetrated in your last post.



I wish I had a transporter.

Drachen Jager
04-27-2012, 09:14 PM
Granted. I've taken the liberty of seeing that you have two of them. They are called 'feet', now get off your lazy ass and use them!

I wish I could produce gold coins from my pockets at will.

Nymtoc
04-27-2012, 11:15 PM
Granted. You can produce these lovely golden souvenir coins from your pocket any time you want:

http://i1213.photobucket.com/albums/cc465/muggo5/COINSSOUVENIR.jpg

(Remind you of anything?)


I wish people would stop referring to my writing as "sub-literary."

Drachen Jager
04-28-2012, 12:25 AM
Granted. They now refer to it as pre-shredded paper mulch.

I wish someone would refer to my writing as 'genius'.

Nymtoc
04-28-2012, 08:37 AM
Granted. A leading critic has written "Drachen Jager is a genius in spewing out the most muddled, illogical, illiterate, disjointed and ungrammatical mixture of Twitterspeak, blogosphere ranting and puerile self-delusion I have ever seen."

I wish I could sell a novel based on an outline instead of having to write the whole damned thing and have it rejected.

Drachen Jager
04-28-2012, 09:37 AM
Granted. You are now ten times more efficient at getting rejected.

I wish I didn't need sleep.

Robbert
04-28-2012, 02:17 PM
Granted: In order to recharge your batteries you need to purchase an ADDCC (alternate direct dude current converter). Once sufficient funds have been received, the Genie is looking forward to turn you into a 24/7 workaholic.

I wish all mice were moles.

Drachen Jager
04-28-2012, 09:20 PM
Granted. Your face is covered in mice.

I wish I didn't have so many self-doubts.

Nymtoc
04-28-2012, 10:14 PM
Granted. You used to have 1,000 self-doubts. Now you have 999.

I wish people didn't put their fingers in their ears when I sing.

Drachen Jager
04-28-2012, 10:53 PM
Granted. They stuff dirty socks in your mouth instead.

I wish I had Willie Wonka's chocolate factory.

Nymtoc
04-29-2012, 04:30 AM
Granted. But you fall into a vat of boiling chocolate, go through a maze of pipes and tubes and come out the other end transformed. You are an Oompa-Loompa.

I wish I had a novel-writing app.

Robbert
04-29-2012, 03:37 PM
Granted: The Copy & Paste app is equally efficient.

I wish I owned a lie detector.

PorterStarrByrd
04-29-2012, 04:04 PM
I wish I owned a lie detector.


Sadly denied ..

They have all been well hidden by politicians. Even the genie can't find one.



I wish I knew where my snot locker is.

Drachen Jager
04-29-2012, 07:41 PM
Granted. It's as plain as the nose on your face. Well, given this is Porter I probably have to spell it out don't I? It is the nose on your face. That's where you keep your snot Porter.

I know it's been done before, but I really wish Porter would stop making dumb wishes.

Nymtoc
04-30-2012, 12:32 AM
Granted. All of Porter's dumb wishes have been transferred to you, so now we may automatically--and happily--ignore your posts.

I wish my novel would be published on vellum, with a gold-embossed lambskin cover and gold edging, suitable for being shelved with the masterpieces from the past.

PorterStarrByrd
04-30-2012, 12:47 AM
I wish my novel would be published on vellum, with a gold-embossed lambskin cover and gold edging, suitable for being shelved with the masterpieces from the past.

Transferred

This is obviously not my area of expertise. Your request has neen forwarded to PETA.


I wish I knew which of my wishes didn't make sense.

CDSinex
04-30-2012, 09:26 AM
Granted: Here is a list (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/search.php?searchid=21879885&pp=25) the Genie compiled. Next time, please ask which ones, if any, do make sense. :D


I wish I could be more focused.

Nymtoc
04-30-2012, 10:05 AM
Granted. The Genie has implanted lasers in your eyeballs. Now every time you look at anything you focus on it with the intensity of a zillion photons. Unfortunately, you also destroy whatever you focus on.

I wish I had the strength of a lion, the wings of an eagle, the fins of a shark and the sweet song of a meadowlark.

PorterStarrByrd
04-30-2012, 04:21 PM
I wish I had the strength of a lion, the wings of an eagle, the fins of a shark and the sweet song of a meadowlark.


Granted
Despite a hangover even a genie can't wish away, I'll get right on this

You now have the strength of a Meadowlark, the sweet song of a shark, The fins of of an eagle ane feathers of a lion


I wish I could see better when I have hangovers

Robbert
04-30-2012, 04:22 PM
Put on hold: A bewildered Genie wishes to receive further explanations as to why you'd want to be turned into such a weird creature!?



I wish Corpus Christi was the capital of America.

slcboston
04-30-2012, 06:43 PM
Pulling double-duty here to get us back on track.

(Be forewarned, that makes for a grumpy genie)

I wish I could see better when I have hangovers

Granted.

Your vision is *excellent* now when you have a hangover. Moreover, not just your physical vision, allowing you to see in detail so astonishing it makes HD look like those horrible attempts to colorize grainy black and white films not just the evidence of how sick you were, but also the bacterial/microbial results that have blossomed overnight, but it is also your ability to see better the results of your actions from a moral/philosophical aspects. If you thought the physical hangover was bad, the metaphysical one will be worse.


I wish Corpus Christi was the capital of America.

Granted.

All the politicians and lobbyists are now yours to deal with. That seems punishment enough.




I wish to put this week off to productive use.

PorterStarrByrd
04-30-2012, 07:04 PM
I wish to put this week off to productive use.

Granted
You now have a chain saw, a hammer, and a box of big nails



I wish fish lived in the spots where I fish

slcboston
04-30-2012, 08:38 PM
Granted.

You now live where you fish. It's a little wet, and I hope those spots aren't too deep, or, alternatively, that you can tread water a long, long time. Also, I wouldn't recommend trying to sleep on your stomach. Face-down would be a bad idea.


I wish I had sunshine on a cloudy day.

Drachen Jager
04-30-2012, 09:13 PM
Granted. You are the cause of a major drought. The entire region where you live falls to waste as nobody can live there anymore. Most of them move away, and you follow, only to cause a drought elsewhere. You are eventually shunned by all of humanity and forced into living in a small village in the middle of the Sahara where it never rained anyhow.

I wish I had a dollar for every raindrop that fell outside my window.

slcboston
04-30-2012, 09:19 PM
Granted.

... and then it stops raining. I'll set aside a seat for you in the Sahara.



I wish I knew what kind of cookies to make.

Drachen Jager
04-30-2012, 09:30 PM
Granted. Don't make cookies. They make you fat.

I wish I had an artificially intelligent supercomputer I could talk with who could provide me with helpful story suggestions and proofread my manuscripts.

slcboston
05-01-2012, 12:25 AM
Granted.

It just so happens I have a spare AI lurking around here somewhere. Let me see... ah, here it is. Some sort of military thing, but I'm sure it can be easily repurposed. Just, uh, be sure to take it's suggestions *seriously.*

No telling what might happen if you don't. (http://i617.photobucket.com/albums/tt254/slcbostonPB/Muses%20for%20the%20Hounds/mushroom-cloud.jpg)



I wish cookies didn't make you fat.

Nymtoc
05-01-2012, 01:08 AM
Granted. They don't make me fat. You, however, are in a different category.

I wish I could read books while I'm asleep.

Drachen Jager
05-01-2012, 01:08 AM
Granted. Now cookies give you cancer instead. Living too close to Fukishima makes you fat.

I wish I had a cure for common stupidity.

Drachen Jager
05-01-2012, 01:10 AM
Damn it Nymtoc! Same minute even!

Granted. You can read books while you're asleep. Instead of refreshing your mind like everyone else in sleep all you ever get are other people's words. You are incapable of independent creativity and everyone who reads your work accuses you of rampant plagiarism.

I still wish I had a cure for common stupidity.

slcboston
05-01-2012, 03:52 AM
Agreed.

The cure, however, is still illegal in most places.



I wish people would take the role fathers play in their children's lives more seriously, including the fathers themselves.

Nymtoc
05-01-2012, 04:29 AM
Granted. All fathers are now required to watch "Family Guy" in order to perfect their parenting skills.

I wish Scheherazade would come tell me some bedtime stories.

CDSinex
05-01-2012, 09:32 AM
Granted: She comes, but unfortunately you don't speak Persian.

I wish I could draw better.

Drachen Jager
05-01-2012, 09:39 AM
Granted. Use your printer to print this out and trace the following letters.


b e t t e r


I wish I had the world at my feet.

Robbert
05-01-2012, 01:45 PM
Granted: For your megalomaniac goal you need to work with your brains. Not sure how much of a contradiction that is, but you will be watched closely from here on. Yours, Watchdog

I wish people were more difficult to manipulate.

Drachen Jager
05-01-2012, 08:07 PM
Granted. I have gone one step further and removed your hands so you will find all sorts of things harder to manipulate.

I wish the United States would change it's anthem to the theme song from Shaft.

Nymtoc
05-02-2012, 10:37 PM
Granted, as soon as Canada changes its anthem to the theme from "The Beverly Hillbillies."

I wish maidens would strew rose petals in my path wherever I walk.

iLion
05-02-2012, 10:50 PM
Granted. You soon learn it gets crowded and annoying when all those maidens follow you and stand over you in the bathroom, in the shower, in bed at all times, throwing annoying little petals in your path. Alas... you may never again be alone.


I wish I was an explorer in the jungles of Venezuela and Colombia.

Robbert
05-03-2012, 12:53 AM
Granted: Explorer iLion and his entourage arrive in Colombia. Two weeks into the adventure, while going down the Orinoco River, iLion catches a flu and is flown back into JFK. In The Jungles Of Venezuela And Colombia will be available on Microsoft & Noble eReaders in early August.

I wish I knew who will win the French election.

PorterStarrByrd
05-03-2012, 12:59 AM
I wish I knew who will win the French election.

Granted
Every country but France



I wish somebody would walk a tightrope over Niagra Falls

Nymtoc
05-03-2012, 03:05 AM
Granted. Out of all 128 residents of Moose Rapids, you have been selected to walk a tightrope over Niagara Falls. According to the rules, you must first drink a quart of rotgut, smoke three joints, be spun around 12 times, and walk across blindfolded.

(Maybe this will rid us of certain insufferable posts. :D)

I wish I knew what makes the world go round.

Drachen Jager
05-03-2012, 07:00 AM
Granted. It's trying to get away from you!

I wish I knew how to perform true magic.

Nightingale
05-03-2012, 07:46 AM
Granted! You've turned yourself into a rabid bunny. I wish I could fly.

PorterStarrByrd
05-03-2012, 04:04 PM
Granted! You've turned yourself into a rabid bunny. I wish I could fly.


Granted
You can now fly rabid bunnies though I think Kites are much more sanitary




I wish all eggs were Jumbo and white so I didn't have to choose

Nymtoc
05-04-2012, 01:56 AM
Granted. All eggs are now dinosaur eggs, dug up from the fetid sump behind your house. They are, of course, petrified. Maybe you can use them to build a shelter to protect yourself from cosmic rays.

I wish my bathroom would clean itself.

Komnena
05-04-2012, 06:05 AM
Granted. Your bathroom cleans itself constantly and refuses to admit you while it is cleaning itself.
I wish I had three Derby tickets.

Drachen Jager
05-04-2012, 09:41 AM
Granted. You and two friends can go to the Moose Rapids roadkill pie eating derby. Porter is a shoo in again this year.

I wish I had gold pants.

Nymtoc
05-04-2012, 01:41 PM
This is one of the more unpleasant wishes the Genie has had to grant. Your pants started out white, but because of your incontinence problems (don't deny it), they have gradually assumed a darkish gold color. The Genie is holding his nose.

I wish I could be anywhere in the world just by snapping my fingers.

Robbert
05-04-2012, 10:15 PM
Granted: You snap your fingers and find yourself in Siberia. You decide it's too cold, snap, you end up in Bali. Since you don't have much in common with the young party-goers from Down Under, snap, Moose Rapids. Peckish as hell, you hammer a tap into a maple tree and while doing so, a familiar character turns to you, "You've lost it now, Nym."
Snop.
Snip.
Snäp.

I wish all cheerleaders were men.

shakeysix
05-04-2012, 10:21 PM
they are. men in kilts. watch out for the high kicks.

i wish all the world's armies were made up of thirteen year old girls.

Robbert
05-04-2012, 10:37 PM
Denied: Wrong forum.

I wish I could take out my implants.

shakeysix
05-04-2012, 10:51 PM
your implants are out. i shudder to think of the implications but you are now un-implanted.


i wish i could get a grip on my senility and remember which forum i am in before i post.

JDM1950
05-07-2012, 03:32 PM
Granted-- You regain your lucidity just after posting an anti-Bin Laden tirade on the Al Qaida forum (and giving your full postal address.)

I wish I had 1/10th of Stephen King's royalties.

Drachen Jager
05-07-2012, 09:11 PM
Granted. You will earn 1/10th of King's pre-Carrie royalties during your writing career.

I wish my writing was as popular as Rowling's.

PorterStarrByrd
05-07-2012, 09:20 PM
I wish my writing was as popular as Rowling's.

Granted ... but only in the little shack out back


I wish I had a new garden hoe

JDM1950
05-08-2012, 01:02 PM
Granted, but she done got hu'self busted soliciting out on the lawn.

I wish I was 20 years old again.

Robbert
05-08-2012, 01:56 PM
Denied: The Genie can make people look younger, but not the other way round.

I wish my spouse wasn't thirty-two years my senior, but...

JDM1950
05-08-2012, 03:41 PM
Granted-- since you're 97 years old, it shouldn't matter.

I wish I had Superman's powers.

slcboston
05-08-2012, 05:47 PM
Granted.

But with those powers also comes the sense of responsibility, and, yes, the primary-colored spandex. (Hey, at least the new uniform no longer has underwear on the outside.) Say goodbye to your social life, any downtime you might have had, and any and all less than responsible things you were planning on doing with those powers.

And I understand Lex Luthor is up to something.



I wish the seasons would make up their mind. Is it Summer, or is it Spring?

Drachen Jager
05-08-2012, 09:21 PM
Granted. The seasonal sprites become offended by your lack of faith in their powers and decide to return you to winter. Not just any winter mind you, but Siberian winter.

I wish I'd picked something more productive than writing as a hobby.

PorterStarrByrd
05-08-2012, 09:32 PM
I wish I'd picked something more productive than writing as a hobby.

Granted
ANYTHING you choose (except singing) is going to more productive than your writing



I wish I had some fox eggs.

JDM1950
05-09-2012, 04:54 PM
Granted. In some cultures "eggs" means "testicles." Wear 'em proudly...

I wish there was world peace.

Drachen Jager
05-09-2012, 09:20 PM
Granted. Just let me nettle the North Koreans a little into nuking Pakistan, Pakistan will think it was India and retaliate. The war will spill over to Russia and China, then the US gets involved. Within a few years the radiation will finish off the rest and you'll have your world peace. Absolutely no conflict whatsoever.

PorterStarrByrd
05-09-2012, 09:25 PM
I wish I had a computer

slcboston
05-09-2012, 09:32 PM
Granted

It's a little large, so I put it in your living room. As in, the entire room. And it runs on punch cards.


I wish I knew what to do.

shakeysix
05-09-2012, 09:55 PM
here is a folder of 28 spanish finals. grade them, enter them into the e-grade book. you don't speak spanish? at this point in time i could care less. just hang something on them and shove it into the grade book.i want to get out of here before six p.m.

i wish boston would learn spanish

slcboston
05-09-2012, 10:37 PM
Aceptado.

And with his new-found language skills, your djinn is leaving for Cancun. You can have your papers back.

:D


I wish students would whine less.

Nymtoc
05-10-2012, 12:11 AM
Granted. They are down to one bottle of red a day.

Oh, there's an "h" in there? Regional pronunciations differ, you know. ;)

I wish shakeysix and slcboston would learn to communicate with each other in Spanglish.

Drachen Jager
05-10-2012, 12:42 AM
Granted. In fact, everyone in the world learns Spanglish and converses happily in their new language. Except for you.

I wish I was fluent in more than one language.

Nymtoc
05-10-2012, 01:11 AM
Granted. You are fluent in Bulgar, Dalmatian, Dacian, Illyrian, Lemnian, Liburnian, Paeonian, Eteocretan, Eteocypriot, Pannonian, Pecheneg, Pelasgian, Thracian and Yevanic--all extinct languages. Furthermore, it need hardly be said that your English is practically nonexistent, and though you studied French in school, the only thing you can say in that language is "Vooly voo kooshay aveck mwa?" *

I wish people wouldn't vomit after they eat the meals I prepare.


*ETA--It's a phrase that you don't understand and have used more than once on the wrong person, including a cop, an evangelical pastor and your boss's wife.

slcboston
05-10-2012, 01:19 AM
Granted.

Now they clutch their stomachs, writhe in agony, and turn the most interesting hues.


I wish I had that bottle of red. Or two.

Nymtoc
05-10-2012, 01:35 AM
Granted. You have two bottles of cherry Kool-Aid.

I wish that when I go to visit people, the doormen wouldn't always direct me to the servants' entrance.

Robbert
05-10-2012, 01:52 AM
Granted: All you need to do is stop speaking Spanglish.

I wish I could become Minister of Drugs & Recreation.

Nymtoc
05-10-2012, 02:03 AM
Granted. But the only drugs you are permitted to administer are aspirin and antihistamines, and the only recreation you are permitted to administer is clog dancing.

I wish people would believe me when I tell them I'm a secret agent.

Drachen Jager
05-10-2012, 02:42 AM
Granted. You are now categorised as 'shoot on sight' by all U.S. law enforcement agencies.

I wish I was in a U.S. law enforcement agency right now.

Robbert
05-10-2012, 03:47 AM
Granted: You are in the agency now--drowning in work. Your wife struggles to stay on top of things and hits the road--with the milkman. Josephine Hazel Marie has sleepless nights--PM the Genie and you may find yourself back where you are needed.

I wish all people shared the same physique, height, and hair colour.

Drachen Jager
05-10-2012, 03:51 AM
Granted. Genie has picked Rush Limbaugh as the model. Enjoy your next trip to the beach!

I wish I earned a dollar for every rejection.

Nymtoc
05-10-2012, 04:34 AM
Granted. You are now a millionaire and don't need to send out any more queries.

I wish I had a solarium.

Drachen Jager
05-10-2012, 05:38 AM
Granted. One room of your house is occupied by an artificial sun. Please be careful around the containment field, it needs a constant 1 megawatt of electricity and... well it's slightly unstable. Let's just say you shouldn't sneeze, anywhere in your house. If you meant something else you're going to have to be more specific next time, Genie can piece together words from their roots, but sometimes the root-words aren't literal.

I wish I had a pirate ship.

onestepp
05-10-2012, 06:00 AM
Yes, you have a pirate ship, and you're looting the Caribean seas, riding high on the tides with the north star as your guide.

Wish I had a nine to five job

Drachen Jager
05-10-2012, 09:58 AM
Granted. Nine at night until five in the evening.

I wish I had one of those wrecking balls so I could smash my neighbour's house (it blocks the evening light).

JDM1950
05-10-2012, 01:37 PM
Granted. You have the wrecking balls, but are arrested for indecent exposure.

I wish the Hobbit movies were out already.

Robbert
05-10-2012, 02:38 PM
Granted: They're out. Unfortunately, hobbits are banned to watch.

I wish you'd seen me sitting next to Jack Nicholson at Madison Square Garden.

Drachen Jager
05-10-2012, 09:08 PM
Granted. You meant Jack Nicholson the gardener, not the actor right?

I wish I had a lightsabre that worked just like they do in the Star Wars movies.

Nymtoc
05-11-2012, 03:45 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, you don't know how to use it, and it backfires and sears off a certain part of your body that you would most definitely prefer not to lose....;)

I wish I had a lyre.

Komnena
05-11-2012, 07:03 AM
Granted. Your oldest child begins lying to you constantly.

I wish I owned a Chincoteague pony.

Drachen Jager
05-11-2012, 10:36 AM
Granted. Here's your 'my little pony'. I'm just guessing that's what you were saying, like in Spanish or something. If it's wrong, stuff it. Genie can't be bothered looking up a bunch of fancy words.

I wish I had a menagerie of mythical creatures.

Nymtoc
05-11-2012, 10:57 AM
Granted. You are initially delighted with your menagerie, but before long the griffin takes a chunk out of your hide, the Minotaur attacks you, and while you are struggling with that monster you glance over his shoulder and see Medusa. Game over.

I wish I had an astrolabe.

Robbert
05-11-2012, 11:52 AM
Uh, well: Even NASA has run out. What the Genie could offer instead is an astrolube. Would you be happy with that?

I wish Bob Dylan would have learned to sing.

Drachen Jager
05-13-2012, 06:31 AM
Granted. Nobody's ever heard of the guy though, once people actually understood how inane his lyrics were, interest faded rapidly.

I wish I'd never heard that Rebecca Black 'Friday' abomination.

Marceline
05-13-2012, 08:23 AM
Granted, but now you're stuck listening to her new album on repeat.

I wish I had the ability to teleport objects.

Nymtoc
05-13-2012, 09:04 AM
Granted. You are able to teleport pigeon droppings.

I wish I could hold the moon in my hand.

shakeysix
05-13-2012, 09:36 AM
wish granted. unfortunately the moon belongs to my aunt milly. it is even bigger than the supermoon. watch out for uncle pearl. he has a temper when he's been swilling moonshine.

i wish elton john would sing rocket man to me in person

Nymtoc
05-13-2012, 09:49 AM
Granted. Elton Q. John, of Burnt Corn, Alabama, is knocking at your door right now.

http://i1213.photobucket.com/albums/cc465/muggo5/MANUGLY1.jpg

Let him in, and he will sing "Rocket Man" till the cows come home.


I wish I had some corn on the cob.

Drachen Jager
05-13-2012, 09:50 AM
Granted. Someone pens a song, called "Rocket Man to me in Person". He sings it, but everyone listening agrees it is truly horrible, so he burns the music and nobody ever mentions it again.

Granted. And for cutting in front of me in line like that you know where I'm going to stick it.

I wish I had a great catch-phrase.

Nymtoc
05-13-2012, 12:10 PM
Granted. You catch a ball and say, "Mine!"

I wish I could eat vanilla ice cream with chocolate-covered almonds all day long.

Robbert
05-13-2012, 05:37 PM
Granted: Stop living on the dole and you'll be able to afford it.

I wish my secretary would work seven days a week.

shakeysix
05-13-2012, 06:50 PM
granted and more. she now works twelve hours a day, seven days a week and is happy with 3.$ an hour. unfortunately she is only nine years old. o-oh. here come the tabloid photographers. say cheese--or, better yet, cheesy.

i wish my cat would fade away to a big smile like the cheshire cat

Nymtoc
05-14-2012, 05:35 AM
Granted. But it is the other end of your cat that smiles at you.

I wish I had as much money as Mitt Romney.

shakeysix
05-14-2012, 06:07 AM
i can do that but the vinyl hair comes with the money. are you sure you want to trade away your lovely ginger spikes?

i wish that i could harvest the wild pot growing in my shelterbelt without the kbi sticking its nose into the business

Komnena
05-14-2012, 06:27 AM
Granted. You get all the wild pot harvested but just as you finish you discover it wasn't really wild. It belongs to a highly territorial drug lord.
I wish somebody would send me a million dollars.

shakeysix
05-14-2012, 07:12 AM
wish granted. it is from the highly territorial redneck drug lord. he has a scheme to distribute his weed by tucking it neatly into bales of alfalfa, stacking it onto horse mafia owned trucks and shipping it to local horse owners who will sell it on the streets for him. why would you want to get involved in something as shady as this? you have already cashed the check!

i wish i had a complete hardy boys mysteries collection

Nymtoc
05-14-2012, 07:50 AM
Granted. But first you must purchase a complete Nancy Drew collection from the Genie for $10,000.

I wish I had as much money as Donald Trump.

shakeysix
05-14-2012, 08:24 AM
ah, nymmie. listen to your genie. it is the hair thing again. do you really want that whack-job, dead cat sleeping on your head? go with the oil can harry mitt-do before you go with the donald.

i wish i had phil specter's wigs and his collection of cuban heels --s6

Nymtoc
05-14-2012, 09:21 AM
*Genie groans*

Granted. But you must promise to visit Phil every day during his 19-years-to-life sentence and tell him repeatedly how much you love his "wall of sound."

I wish I had as much money as Roger Ailes.

Robbert
05-14-2012, 02:09 PM
Granted ...on the condition to make a better job of breaking the news than he did/does.

I wish I had a finger in every pie.

Drachen Jager
05-14-2012, 09:09 PM
Granted. You are a mutant creature spanning continents, with tendrils attaching each of your digits to every pie in the world. People are horrified, they call out the national guard, the Army, the State Troopers... Well, you know how this movie ends don't you?

I wish I had x-ray vision.

Nymtoc
05-14-2012, 09:27 PM
Granted. But you know what X-rays look like, don't you? They show only bones, and that's all you see now when you look at people--just skeletons. You asked for it.

I wish I could write 12 novels a year.

Drachen Jager
05-15-2012, 12:17 AM
Granted. Your quality actually improves slightly now that you're not pausing to think all the time. It's still rejected, and your prolific querying soon makes Agents change their policies of not keeping blacklists. Most agency servers direct your e-mail straight to the rejection pile.

I wish I could write one extraordinarily good novel every year.

Nymtoc
05-15-2012, 01:26 AM
Granted. But your writing is so extraordinary that no agent or publisher understands how good it is, and your novels are rejected year after year. Only after you die do you receive the recognition you so richly deserve.

I wish I had a plum pudding.

Drachen Jager
05-15-2012, 02:10 AM
Granted. It joins the corn.

I wish I could see the look of surprise on Nymtoc's face when he receives his plum pudding.

Robbert
05-15-2012, 02:05 PM
Granted: The Genie will post an image of a flabbergasted Nymtoc, but as far as the Genie can tell the pudding hasn't been sent yet. Make haste.

I wish I could hop like a frog.

Nymtoc
05-15-2012, 11:07 PM
Granted. However, the only way the Genie could give you this ability was to turn you into a frog. You now have a green skin, live on a lilypad in a pond somewhere southeast of northwest Sussex, and are incapable of using a computer, but you can say "Ribbit! Ribbit!" which the Genie's assistants will translate into English (for a nominal fee) so that you can continue to post in this forum.

I wish I had the strength of ten.

Drachen Jager
05-15-2012, 11:15 PM
Granted. You now are as strong smelling as ten skunks. Which, to be honest, is a marked improvement.

I wish I had a pair of functioning wings I could wear on my back.

Nymtoc
05-15-2012, 11:26 PM
Granted. You have a pair of gorgeous functioning wings. They are so gorgeous, in fact, that you are mistaken for a rare butterfly, are captured by a lepidopterist and are pinned to a display in his laboratory, where you remain.

I wish I could sing like Pavarotti and sink basketballs like Jeremy Lin.

Drachen Jager
05-15-2012, 11:49 PM
Granted. You can rat out mobsters like Pavarotti and wash basketballs like Jeremy Lin.

I wish I was better at dealing with rejections.

Robbert
05-16-2012, 02:54 PM
Granted: Stop chasing anything in a skirt and you won't have to deal with rejections.

I wish I was more careful with choosing the right words.

PorterStarrByrd
05-16-2012, 03:24 PM
Granted: Stop chasing anything in a skirt and you won't have to deal with rejections.

I wish I was more careful with choosing the right words.

Granted
You are so anal about choosing the right word that you will never say or write anything again.

I wish I had a couple cubits of zirconium

Drachen Jager
05-16-2012, 07:52 PM
Granted. Porter is encased in two cubits of cubic zirconium. Maybe that will finally get rid of him.

I wish I didn't have a cold.

Nymtoc
05-16-2012, 11:01 PM
Granted. You have measels (again).

I wish I could disprove http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/math/5/2/c/52c7687643df1c12231b39e324850586.png and win a Nobel Prize in physics.

Komnena
05-17-2012, 05:52 AM
Granted. You win your Nobel physics prize but a Chinese commando team kidnaps you. You will spend the rest of your life in a secret laboratory deep in China.
I wish I had Last of the Breed and Haunted Mesa on my e reader.

Robbert
05-17-2012, 12:32 PM
Semi-granted: Next time you have a wish please be crystal clear, i.e. I wish I had $ 5,98 to buy Last of the Breed and Haunted Mesa.

I wish I could get used to reading newspapers online.

JDM1950
05-17-2012, 06:15 PM
Granted: You are trapped for eternity on the Albuquerque Journal web page. Enjoy.

I wish I had my own yacht.

Susie
05-18-2012, 07:17 AM
Granted: But then you have so many beaus you don't know what to do with all of them.

I wish I owned an ice-cream shop.

Nymtoc
05-18-2012, 08:58 AM
Granted, but the only ice cream you sell is garlic-mustard and rocky toad.*

* Sorry, no chocolate. :animal



I wish I could solve any conceivable mathematical problem without a calculator.

Robbert
05-18-2012, 01:38 PM
Granted: Use a blackboard. (calculators never solve a mathematical problem, they merely aid in the process)

I wish I knew how to set up a scam.

Komnena
05-23-2012, 07:20 AM
Granted. You find yourself sharing your body with Bernie Madoff.
I wish I had every model of e reader.

Nymtoc
05-23-2012, 07:25 AM
Granted. They are already shipped and charged to your credit card, at a total cost of $24,836.

I wish I understood why so many Americans are obsessed with British royalty.

Drachen Jager
05-23-2012, 09:23 AM
Granted. But once you find out, you realise they had good reasons for loving the Royals so. You spend your life savings collecting mugs and souvenir plates with Prince Charles' picture on them, bitch endlessly to your friends about Camilla, until they all abandon you. But that's okay. As long as you have your collectible dishes everything is fine in your world.

I wish I had a few agent friends who I could rely on for good advice, and would read and give constructive criticism on my manuscripts.

Nymtoc
05-23-2012, 09:31 AM
Granted. The Genie is one such friend, and his twin brother is another. We only charge $100 per page.

I wish I could replace five members of the US Supreme Court.

Susie
05-23-2012, 09:48 AM
Granted. But then everyone votes in Brad Pitt look-alikes.

I wish I could write the great American novel.

Nymtoc
05-23-2012, 10:08 AM
Granted. But it is so great that neither critics nor readers recognize its greatness. Only a few copies are sold, and the rest are shredded for recycling. There may be a copy or two in a library somewhere, but nobody ever wants to read them.

I wish I could play the xylophone.

Drachen Jager
05-23-2012, 10:24 AM
Granted. The xylophone, in spite of the fact that it has no brain, still manages to beat you in four out of five games.

I wish I had all the answers.

Nymtoc
05-23-2012, 12:41 PM
Granted. You are like Alex Trebek. You have all the answers, but you don't have the questions.

I wish I could say a few words to Dick Cheney.

Robbert
05-23-2012, 02:19 PM
Granted: How about meeting all old-line diehards* in one fell swoop a week on Monday at the Sly Sky Fox Studios? It will save you from saying the same things over and over again.

*Baker, Cheney, Rumsfeld (feel free to add)


I wish I knew why my neighbour keeps a chastity belt in his garden shed.

Drachen Jager
05-23-2012, 07:57 PM
Didn't your parents tell you how they arranged your marriage when you were two? It's for you big boy.

I wish I could look at my own writing and instantly hone in on the things I need to do to make it better.

shakeysix
05-23-2012, 10:20 PM
you don't need to waste a wish on that--just do what i do. #1 start in the middle. #2 delete all adverbs and every third adjective #3 never use said #4 cut all dialog down to one sentence per speaker.

i wish my writing had more continuity

Nymtoc
05-23-2012, 10:34 PM
Granted. Use three-word sentences--subject, verb, object--nothing more, nothing less. And keep your stories to one page, please. The Genie becomes irritated reading your drivel work.

I wish I had become a billionaire when I was 28 so I could be a do-nothing, don't-give-a-f*** loafer now.

shakeysix
05-23-2012, 11:08 PM
wow--these retro wishes are tough. okay you were a billionaire at 28. unfortunately you got into some sort of stock scandal and alienated your huge following. they sued you penniless. now you do nothing but run a shoe polish stand in front of lincoln center. polishing other folk's loafers has made you a better person. watch for your interview on "i used to be rich but i blew it big time" --ss

i wish i knew what the asterisks in f*** stood for

Nymtoc
05-23-2012, 11:13 PM
Granted. They stand for "uck."
Sheesh!

I wish I could be President for a day.

Drachen Jager
05-24-2012, 12:03 AM
Granted. You are President Foraday of the African Republic of Lesotho. Good luck with the revolution!

I wish I had a magic pen, and anything I wrote with the pen would draw focused attention from those who read it.

Robbert
05-24-2012, 02:35 PM
Granted: Unfortunately, your magic writing draws attention from the wrong crowd. They have you down as a troublemaker, attempting nothing short of inciting the next revolution. Don't despair DJ, how about writing children's books!?


I wish more people had signed the petition against Monsanto, but...

PorterStarrByrd
05-24-2012, 02:51 PM
I wish more people had signed the petition against Monsanto, but...


Misguided wish .. Ignored

What you should have wished for was that the rules would be changed to allow signatures on Post-it's to be considered.


I wish I had a couple cases of Duct Tape .. I need a new wardrobe.

Komnena
06-07-2012, 04:33 PM
Granted. You have two cases of duct tape wrapped around your body by burglars.
I wish I knew if I'll Have Another was going to win the Triple Crown.

armydillo978
06-08-2012, 03:51 AM
Granted. I'll Have Another was in the club lounge with Hit Me Again and Long Shot on My Nose, having doubles of Royal Crown after having won the Triple Crown of Snooker*.

I wish I had a key to the bank of England, and the vaults of course.



*The Triple Crown is an unofficial term used for professional snooker players who have won the World Championship, the Masters and the UK Championship. - Wikipedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triple_Crown_of_Snooker

Zeddo
06-08-2012, 04:40 AM
Granted, but you're inside the vaults of Bank of America.

I wish I could fly like a bird.

Nymtoc
06-08-2012, 05:09 AM
Granted. You can fly like a penguin.

I wish I could get more accomplished each day.

Komnena
06-08-2012, 06:17 AM
Granted. Your work quota is increased each day. Meet it or get a pink slip.
I wish I hadn't killed the new Essences thread.

Nymtoc
06-08-2012, 10:13 AM
Granted. You didn't kill it. It's in the intensive care unit, being kept alive by machines.

I wish food didn't cost so much.

Robbert
06-08-2012, 11:37 AM
Granted: You just need to relocate to where I'm living. Olives are $ 1,60/kg. Tomatoes are $ 0,35/kg. Yummie watermelons are $ 0,25/kg.

I wish my Renault 4 had an air-conditioner.

onestepp
06-08-2012, 08:29 PM
Granted, but when the air conditioner was put in the radio and CD player was pulled out.

Wish the Pirates would win the World Series

Drachen Jager
06-08-2012, 11:26 PM
Granted, they sail their galleon into the stadium, murdering and pillaging as they go. The players are too afraid to contend the trophy so it goes to the attackers, who return with their booty to England (what, you don't think pirates come from Pittsburgh do you?), where they turn it into a cricket trophy.

I wish Baseball would just go away. It's not a real sport anyhow.

Nymtoc
06-08-2012, 11:32 PM
Granted. Baseball has gone away. It has been replaced by logrolling, at which Canadians excel.

I wish I could get by with less sleep.

shakeysix
06-08-2012, 11:59 PM
okay. you are down to one histrionic ewe and two randy old rams. should be an interesting summer. oh, wait, did you say sLeep? too late.

i wish there were some way to keep the bleeping blue jays out of my apricot tree!

Zeddo
06-09-2012, 12:50 AM
Granted, but the the jays were chased away by vultures. And they're waiting til the fruit rots before eating it.

I wish I were a genius.

Drachen Jager
06-09-2012, 01:30 AM
Granted. You've heard the saying, the difference between insanity and genius is success? Well, sad to say, you're not successful.

I wish I had an army of fifty-foot tall ants that would obey my every command.

Robbert
06-09-2012, 01:04 PM
Granted. You are the ruler of an ants army. After taking France in a Blitz you arrive at the Rhine, unaware that the Germans have poured tons of acid into it. Your fifty-foot ants wade through and succumb a little later. At long last you are no longer wanted, but put on trial in Nuremberg, Bavaria.


I wish I could ride a horse and bring peace to earth as a mountie.

me-a-monsteR
06-09-2012, 01:54 PM
Granted. You and your steed trek across the globe, touching lives and filling people with peace. But the globe is big and your horse dies of exhaustion.

I wish I had that pair of boots my heart skips a beat for.

Robbert
06-09-2012, 02:38 PM
Granted. A monster in a pair of boots?? You obviously don't mind making a fool of yourself. Have a mocking time, Genie.

I wish I'd learnt to survive in Australia's outback.

me-a-monsteR
06-09-2012, 03:36 PM
Granted. You've been turned into Crocodile Dundee. But you were bitten by a teeny tiny spider and will die in 24 hours.

I wish I still had a cuddly cat.

Nymtoc
06-09-2012, 08:41 PM
Granted. You still have a cuddly cat. It's the one I dissected in college. (To get the full meaning of this one, look at my last entry in the "Pants on Fire" thread.)

I wish I could spend the whole day with nothing to do but have fun.

Drachen Jager
06-09-2012, 09:46 PM
Granted. You lose your job, your family and friends disown you, and some madman gave you 24 hour, guaranteed lethal poison.

Have a nice day!

I wish my babies pooped gold.

Robbert
06-09-2012, 11:21 PM
Due to age restriction and/or unconsenting children, the Genie regrets telling you that the above wish cannot be processed.

I wish my two grown-up children pooped platinum.

armydillo978
06-10-2012, 04:25 AM
Granted: Your kids each eat a piece of your platinum Rolex watch...now their internal clocks are aligned, and their poop is worth a fortune.

I wish I could get out of the vaults at the Bank of America.

Storyteller5
06-10-2012, 07:14 AM
I wish I could get out of the vaults at the Bank of America.

Granted, but there are cops waiting outside with guns and now you are either recuperating in the prison hospital or sitting in cellblock D waiting to go to trial.

I wish I had a maid to clean my kitchen.

Drachen Jager
06-10-2012, 08:08 AM
Granted. She charges $20 an hour and only steals some of your good jewelry.

I wish I had the lifestyle of Lord Grantham on Downton Abbey.