View Full Version : Your wish is granted...
08-17-2010, 06:47 AM
Granted. Your name is on a very big building in town...
WANTED (for various literary offenses)
RED-HEADED PSYCHOPATH WHO CALLS HIMSELF NYMTOC
LAST SEEN STREAKING IN LINCOLN CENTER
I wish it was summer in New York City all...the...time...
08-17-2010, 08:11 AM
It is summer in New York City all the time, and temperatures will remain at the highest point ever recorded here, 110 F (42.2 C), from now on.
I wish people would recognize me as a genius.
08-17-2010, 08:28 PM
Granted. The entire world recognizes you as brighter than Einstein and Hawking combined. You even win a few Nobel Peace Prizes. Congrats!
But you live your life in abject poverty while trying to get people to believe your earth-shattering revelations. So it's too bad all the accolades occur posthumously. :(
I wish I could run a marathon.
08-19-2010, 07:17 PM
Granted: You are instantly transported back to the Plains of Marathon in the year 490 BCE. You are selected for the great honor of informing Athens of the victory over the Persians. You run the 26 miles in record time (it was the first time, after all), entering the city saying, "Νενικήκαμεν" (which is Greek to me :D), and promptly drop dead. Sorry, nothing personal.
I wish I had better things to do. (Actually I do, but this is more fun)
08-20-2010, 08:27 PM
Granted. You begin volunteering and soon you have no more free time.
I wish I could lose the last of the vacation pounds.
08-22-2010, 12:20 AM
You got it, Komnena... You have completely lost the last of all your pounds - British pounds, that is, from your vacation to London.
I wish I could see through walls.
08-22-2010, 02:10 AM
Granted: Cell doors count as walls, don't they?
I wish there was something good on TV.
08-22-2010, 02:15 AM
i'm sending you a piece of last night's pizza which is still good and on top of my tv. it's one i made myself--pepperoni and onion w/ fresh tomatoes. no preservatives though. i'll fedex it--s6
i wish there was a cure for my true crime tv addiction
08-23-2010, 01:21 AM
Granted: You now only watch Cops hoping to see if your most recent arrest will be featured.
I wish I were more disciplined.
08-23-2010, 02:03 AM
You will follow a strict formula from now on: Arise at 6:33 a.m., do setting-up exercises from 6:34 to 6:45, breakfast from 6:51 to 7:03 (one poached egg, one slice of wheat toast, 6 oz. of orange juice), bathroom activities from 7:05 to 7:12, travel to work from 7:14 to 7:31, coffee break from 10 to 10:05...
...and so on throughout the day. Any variations will be dealt with by the Disciplinary Board. :D
I wish I had a private plane.
08-23-2010, 04:48 AM
(This is too easy. Didn’t you read my yacht post the other day?) :D
Granted: You are now sitting at the controls of your very own PB4Y Privateer Navy Bomber, which, unfortunately for you, sits on the bottom of Lake Washington. The plane crashed on a training mission in 1956. The crew all escaped meaning you are the only fatality.
I wish my tomatoes would ripen.
08-23-2010, 05:44 AM
Granted. The tomatoes ripen, and once they do, they sprout teensy little green legs.
Upon which they wreck world-wide havoc, instigating the 2012 apocalypse. Sorry. I like ketchup as much as the next person.
I wish I could live in Fiji.
08-23-2010, 08:04 PM
Granted. You'll love it there it's beautiful. Enjoy.
Oh, and you're a fruit a bat.
I wish I had a brand new Harley Davidson V-Rod
08-24-2010, 06:00 AM
Hmm... I don't know exactly what that is. I guess it's a long rod shaped like a V. Not sure why you wanted this, but.. well, there you are, NightFly! And it's brand new!
Oh, I wish I could travel through my dreams to visit the dreams of others.
08-24-2010, 07:48 AM
Shamzam. You're transported from your dreams into your ladyloves dream, unfortunately threes a crowd and Johnny Depp was there first.
I wish I could fall in love.
08-24-2010, 02:36 PM
You are walking in the woods when you meet a frog who tells you he is a transformed prince. You fall madly in love. He tells you that all you need to do to turn him back into a prince is to kiss him. You kiss him. You turn into a frog.
I wish I had waffles with strawberry sauce and whipped cream for breakfast.
08-24-2010, 08:51 PM
Hmm... I don't know exactly what that is. I guess it's a long rod shaped like a V. Not sure why you wanted this, but.. well, there you are, NightFly! And it's brand new! .
Ever hear of Google? ... (lazy evil genie.) ^ sweet though, right?
08-24-2010, 09:17 PM
Oh, Nymtoc... you have your wish! Waffles with strawberry sauce and whipped cream for breakfast is ALL yours! But that's fairly common, and you're special... so I've added some yummy cat food. Hmmm.... chopped liver and fish gills. Bon Appetit!
I wish I could get a raise.
08-24-2010, 11:19 PM
Granted. Your boss calls you into her office and informs you of your yearly salary increase of... $0.01. Sorry, these are tough economic times. But keep up the great work!
I wish the guy who sits one cubical over would stop clipping his fingernails.
08-25-2010, 01:31 AM
Granted: He now comes to your cubical and clips his toenails.
I wish it would stay warm a little longer.
08-26-2010, 09:16 AM
Granted. Just pop it in the microwave for a bit.
I wish I could stay focussed.
08-27-2010, 09:14 PM
Gladly, Nightfly! You are now pointing your new (well.. new to you) Brownie camera into the garbage can under your kitchen sink. Now you can stay focused forever as long you don't move around much.
I wish it was five o'clock and time to go home.
08-27-2010, 09:23 PM
It is five o'clock and time to go home. Unfortunately, there has been a major power failure, and the elevators in your office building have stopped functioning. Since you work on the 110th floor, you will have to walk down to the street, where (because of some visiting dignitaries), all traffic in your city has ground to a halt. Things are expected to start moving again in about five hours.
I wish I could write a novel in the space of one hour.
08-27-2010, 09:48 PM
You oh so slowly and painstakingly write the letters A-N-O-V-E-L ending exactly one hour after you've begun. Congratulations!
I wish I could scramble and unscramble as quickly and easily as the masters of that game.
08-29-2010, 09:46 PM
Granted: You are now dyslexic. Words written normally appear scrambled, and words that are scrambled, oddly enough, appear normal.
I wish I could sight-read music.
08-29-2010, 10:28 PM
You can sight-read music. Unfortunately, you are limited to one song. It is "Do-Re-Mi" from The Sound of Music. Looking on the bright side, this permits you to go up and down the scale in the key of C over and over and over again...
I wish I could eat with chopsticks without looking awkward.
08-31-2010, 05:53 AM
*Shazaaam, Nymtoc...!* Wow... now you don't look awkward using those chopsticks.
But you do look pretty clueless using them in your soup like that.
I wish I could remember the names of everyone I meet.
09-01-2010, 08:59 PM
Granted: In order to remember everyone's name you must first know it. You now accost every passerby on the street and ask their name. You continue doing so as you walk by an elementary school. A teacher notices you approaching the children, and calls the police who quickly come and arrest you.
I wish my wishes didn't always turn out so badly.
09-01-2010, 11:59 PM
Of your next 10,000 wishes, one will turn out well. The genie is unable to predict which one this will be.
I wish I could invent a product that would make me rich.
09-02-2010, 04:08 AM
Granted. "The Instant Name Changer". Congratulations and good luck with those food stamps, Rich.
I wish I could quit coffee.
09-03-2010, 09:05 PM
Easily done, Nightfly! You have now totally quit coffee.
Alas, coffee has not quit you. It continues to torture and harrass you at the deepest biological levels, causing every cell to scream and writhe in agony for its beloved coffee fix!
I wish I had a photographic memory.
09-03-2010, 11:56 PM
Unfortunately, all the images in your mind are negative.
I wish I had my own private merry-go-round.
09-04-2010, 12:04 AM
But only it decides when to stop spinning so each time you get on it you end up violently ill.
I wish I could breath under water.
09-04-2010, 01:46 AM
You get to take one breath. Only one. At about 100m down.
Hope that helps.
I wish there were a better way to reheat the lasagna.
09-04-2010, 03:00 AM
You sit on it for eight hours.
I wish all corrupt politicians would be banned from public office.
09-04-2010, 06:41 AM
You got it, Nymtoc... Now all the corrupt politicians are standing in your private office. Damn, it's crowded in here!
I wish my cat would quit telling me the same stupid old jokes over and over like that.
09-04-2010, 07:57 AM
Granted. Your cat now tells new stupid jokes over and over.
I wish I had a talking cat like iLion.
09-04-2010, 07:39 PM
But, being a cat, while it's perfectly happy to let you feed it and scratch its ears and change its litterbox, it finds your intellectual company a little.... *lacking.* It's not your fault, you understand, after all, you're only human. So while your cat can talk, it chooses not to talk to you.
Instead it talks to the dog.
I wish I had a tv upstairs.
09-07-2010, 07:21 AM
Granted. Your TV is now upstairs. Unfortunately the only staircase in your house leads to the basement.
I wish I had a wishing well.
09-07-2010, 09:33 AM
You have a wishing well. It is located on an oasis in the middle of the Sahara Desert. To reach it you must travel three days by camel back, starting in Mizdah, Libya, and proceeding along a route that takes you through territory controlled by bloodthirsty marauders with scimitars. Of course, the well does grant wishes--except when it runs dry.
I wish I could live on another planet.
09-07-2010, 06:11 PM
So do we. :D
Granted. Suddenly, “You're traveling through space. Somewhere between Alpha Centauri and Sacramento there's a small, out-of-the-way gas station. There's the signpost up ahead: ‘Welcome to Omega Flats’” (From the Firesign Theater). Omega Flats, is your new home.
I wish my computer had a Random Wish Generator to make this game easier.
09-10-2010, 06:59 PM
Granted. Unfortunately it nicely grants wishes and gets you banned from the game.
I wish I had my house organized.
09-10-2010, 09:41 PM
It is so granted, Komnena.
Your house is now organized by some of the best... the mafia! Famous for being "organized crime", they have turned your house into a casino. It may look like mayhem and chaos to you, but the bosses know it's really very organized. Want some chips?
I wish I was fluent in many different languages.
09-11-2010, 03:00 AM
You are fluent in Akkala, Chemakum, Comecrudo, Esselen, Jassic, Karankawa, Manx, Molala, Salinan, Polabian, Siuslaw, Slovincian, Takelma, Tataviam, Wappo amd Runica.
Your English, unfortunately, is as bad as ever. :ROFL:
I wish I could do something that would get my name in the history books.
09-11-2010, 10:41 AM
"... fortunately that man, Nymtoc as he was known, was eventually apprehended and there has never been another streaking incident at a presidential inauguration since."
I wish the neighbors dogs would STOP THE GODDAMN BARKING! All day, man.
09-11-2010, 06:20 PM
Now the dog barks all night. Better?
This is my wish for today (http://comics.com/frazz/2010-09-11/).
But failing that, I'll take having a full tank of gas in my car instead of the near empty one it probably has because someone borrows it and never looks at the gas gauge.
09-12-2010, 10:35 PM
Granted. Your tank is now filled with Carbon Monoxide, a toxic gas (please be careful). This is because of "someone" running your tank dry and a leaky tail pipe.
I wish Penn State had beaten Alabama yesterday.
09-12-2010, 11:09 PM
In order to grant this wish, the genie has had to transport you to an alternate universe. In that universe, the sky is green, gophers work as transport workers, people walk on the tips of their thumbs, and Glenn Beck is the President of the United States. Penn State defeated Alabama yesterday, 3-2.
I wish I didn't have to pay bills.
09-13-2010, 12:18 AM
This one is just too easy, Nymtoc. Your wish is my command.
You no longer have to pay a single bill. And you can tell 'em I said so! :)
I wish my bank account would have 20 million $$ in it tomorrow morning.
09-16-2010, 02:57 AM
Granted. Check your balance. You now have U.S. $20,000,000. Unfortunately, your account was seized by the IRS, and the FBI has BOLO on you for tax evasion, money laundering, and suspicion of drug trafficking. Do you really think they'll believe your story that a Wish Genie gave it to you? (You should cover your eyes.)
I wish I had a new hobby.
09-16-2010, 04:24 AM
Your new hobby is beetle fighting, an ancient and honorable activity that has been practiced in Asia for centuries. You will acquire horned beetles and train them in all aspects of combat, then enter them in competition with other beetles. Your new hobby will provide you not only with hours of fun but possibly even profit.
I wish I knew the secret of success.
09-16-2010, 09:21 AM
I took this quandary to my think tank (an empty fish aquarium in my garage I sit in to do my best thinking:idea:) and here's what I came up with -
Figure out how to fail and then.......
Just do the opposite.
I wish I had a pencil thin mustache - the Boston Blackie kind.
09-17-2010, 02:26 AM
Granted. You now have a pencil thin mustache, the "Boston Blackie" kind, which you actually drew in with an eyebrow pencil, and you have your hair slicked back with Brylcreem (a little dab’ll do ya). You’ve also started wearing a two toned Ricky Ricardo jacket, and carrying an autographed picture of Andy Devine. Your new “self” is unsettling to your employer, and you are fired. I hear the used car lots are hiring.
I wish I could find a good used car.
09-21-2010, 08:37 PM
Your wish is granted, O Master CDSinex.
You have indeed found a beautiful, wonderful, dependable, and even luxurious used car!! It's sitting in your neighbor's driveway and has been used only 6 months. Apparently, she seems intent on keeping it... but you can always stand there and look at it. :)
I wish Obama would consult me on where to cut spending.
09-22-2010, 01:08 AM
He calls and asks for your advice. You give it to him. He ignores it.
I wish I had a magic lamp.
09-22-2010, 07:45 AM
Granted: You are now the proud owner of Magic Lamp. Not just any Magic Lamp; you own Aladdin’s Magic Lamp. The 1989 computer game developed for the, then, state-of-the-art Commodore Amiga. Enjoy.
I wish I summer would stay a little longer.
09-22-2010, 09:32 PM
Wow... today is your lucky day, CDSinex! I summoned all my strongest genie powers and managed to slow the earth's rotation a bit, making this summer 0.10022055759 zillionth of a second longer than last year! You might wanna use a little extra sun blocker today.
I wish my cat would quit barfing in the house.
09-22-2010, 10:31 PM
Granted, but alas Sir Lion, my powers are puny, and although your cat no longer barfs in the house, he instead barks in the house, all day and all night. Your wife has just told you its either her or the dog... um... cat.
I wish there were twice as many hours in every day.
09-23-2010, 09:25 PM
So, let's see... twice today as yesterday... that's 48. Twice tomorrow as today... that's 96. Next day will be 192, then 384, 768, 1,536, 3,072.... damn, these are getting to be l-o-n-g days Daisey!!
I wish I could remember the name of everyone I ever meet.
09-23-2010, 09:40 PM
You remember the name of everyone you ever meet. Of course, since you have no memory for faces, you are never able to remember which name goes with which face.
I wish I owned a bridge and could collect $1 from everyone who crosses it.
09-23-2010, 11:54 PM
Granted: You now own a modern, albeit lightly traveled, bridge. Unfortunately the dollar user fee you charge doesn’t begin to cover the cost of maintenance. In addition, since it is a privately owned bridge you are not eligible for State or Federal funding. You are soon bankrupt.
I wish I had more time to enjoy life’s simple pleasures.
09-24-2010, 07:15 AM
You have lots of spare time, which you employ chewing blades of grass, tying bits of string together, studying dust balls and engaging in other simple pleasures.
I wish I could do something heroic.
09-26-2010, 11:05 PM
Your wish has come to pass.
While admiring the view from atop the Sears tower with a group of tourists, you see a lady about to fall over the edge! You heroically risk your own life by tackling her to knock her away from the side. Alas, you misjudge the distance and both of you go over the side to the street below and land kersplat on top of a bus causing the lady and 96 passengers to be maimed or killed in the ensuing traffic accident. An heroic move, in any case.
I wish I owned several successful businesses.
09-27-2010, 12:21 AM
Granted: You now own several successful businesses, of which you are the only employee. That means you work at each one in eight-hour shifts leaving you no time to sleep. Within one-week you drop dead from exhaustion. On the bright side, after your death, your heirs sell them and become quite wealthy. It's all about family after all, isn't it?
I wish I could turn back time.
09-27-2010, 12:53 AM
You can turn back time, but unfortunately, you are unable to control the exact number of years, months, days, etc.
You are now six weeks old.
I wish I could get an iPad without having to pay for it.
09-27-2010, 07:24 PM
Granted. The Wish Genie whisks you off to a discount, the Genie is very frugal after all, big-box electronics store. There you ask the clerk to show you an iPad. While the clerk is distracted with other customers, at the Genie's suggestion, you stuff the iPad under your sweater and walk out of the store. You now have, "an iPad without having to pay for it."
Unfortunately the store's loss prevention officer sees the whole thing and tackles you within three steps of your leaving the store. You keep shouting, "The Wish Genie said I could have it, the Wish Genie said I could have it ... The police are called, and you are hauled off in handcuffs. Because of your bizarre behavior you are taken to the State Hospital for the Criminally Insane for observation. Your boss watches the event on the evening news and fires you.
I wish there was something good to eat in my refrigerator.
09-27-2010, 07:31 PM
Granted - yogurt-on-a-rope is yours! Wear a stocking cap, though -as you requested, you must eat it in your refrigerator. Hope you're limber.
I wish I didn't have any points on my driving record.
09-28-2010, 09:38 AM
You no longer have any points on your record, because you no longer have a driver's license. It was permanently revoked after you led the cops on a 200-mile, 100-mile-per-hour car chase through six metropolitan areas. But look on the bright side. You can take taxis any time you want, just as soon as you get out of prison.
I wish I had known Socrates.
09-28-2010, 09:20 PM
Shazaaam! Granted, Nymtoc!
The only way you could have known him was to be there then, so that's where I sent you. Of course, it's been many hundreds of years, so you're long dead now. And so is Socrates. In fact, it was you who delivered the cup of hemlock poison to the man in prison, and that's how you got to know him.
(*Hey... I think there's a good book in that concept!)
I wish I could figure out how to escape my employer's requirement for a flu shot.
09-29-2010, 06:13 AM
The Genie faces a dilemma. To avoid the flu shot would have to quit your job, or die. Since you've already told the Genie how important your job is to you, he has but one choice. Your wish is granted, RIP.
I wish the election was over. (I'm tired of the ads on TV.)
09-29-2010, 07:21 AM
The election is over, and all the candidates you loathe have won. If you had waited a little longer, some of your candidates would have won (the Great Book of Cosmically Accurate Predictions says so), but you were childishly impatient, and the genie is far too polite to overrule your foolishness.
I wish I could take a pill that would give me all the knowledge in the world.
09-29-2010, 11:52 AM
Granted. But the human brain was not designed to hold that much knowledge and yours explodes within minutes. You don't even have time to tell anyone where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. To add insult to injury, your apartment manager withholds your security deposit because of the nasty cleanup you left him.
I wish I had a personal assistant.
09-29-2010, 12:20 PM
Granted. She's incredibly lazy, steals your money when you're not looking, hangs up on important calls and forgets to give you the messages, and she's actually a cannibal who's going to eat you as soon as you fall asleep in her presence.
I wish it was daytime.
09-30-2010, 09:42 AM
It is daytime, and soon it will be nighttime again. Some wishes are just too easy. :cool:
I wish they would put my picture on a postage stamp.
10-01-2010, 05:25 AM
Granted .., sort of. The Genie wasn't actually able to get your picture on a postage stamp, but she was able to get your face on the walls of all of the post offices in the country. Plus, as her way of saying sorry, she arranged for you to have the highest reward under your name.
I wish I could go fly fishing this weekend.
10-01-2010, 07:27 PM
I've even found you a nice, secluded spot. Just you .... and the bears. Enjoy. :D
I wish it was either warm enough so I don't need the heat or hot enough to justify turning it on.
10-07-2010, 05:07 PM
Granted. You wake up in Death Valley. Better start walking toward water.
I wish the phone would quit talking to me.
10-07-2010, 09:18 PM
You got it... Phone has quit talking. Now it's your toaster. Yak yak yak... all day long!
I wish I didn't procrastinate so much.
10-07-2010, 10:38 PM
Granted. Now you have to do everything as soon as the task is set. There is no putting if off to later. Unfortunately, because you have to do everything as soon as you realize it has to be done, you're constantly late and missing meetings. That laundry and the dishes and cleaning the bathroom and the ceiling and vaccuuming and doign grocery shopping can't be put off...
I wish I could focus!
10-08-2010, 08:07 PM
Granted. You just missed your bus because you were so intent on reading your newspaper at the bus stop.
I wish I was 13 years old, and knew everything I know now.
10-08-2010, 10:52 PM
However, your prodigious knowledge makes it impossible for you to fit in with others your age. You are unable to join in their fun. Other young people sense that you are weird and ostracize you. You find yourself totally alone and spend your days moping, wishing you were older.
I wish I could go to a Halloween party and win first prize for the best costume.
10-09-2010, 03:37 AM
Granted. Unfortunately you went to the party naked, and won first prize in the category of "Best Dried Floral Arrangement".
I wish I was half the person my dog thought I was.
10-09-2010, 04:44 AM
Granted. Unfortunately you went to the party naked, and won first prize in the category of "Best Dried Floral Arrangement".
I wish I was half the person my dog thought I was.
Granted. Unfortunately, half is all you are, because the dog thought you were a very tasty person.
I wish my cat would stop leaving dead lizards on the doorstep.
10-09-2010, 04:46 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, half is all you are, because the dog thought you were a very tasty person.
I wish my cat would stop leaving dead lizards on the doorstep.
Granted, but your cat now rides giant live radioactive lizards through your kitchen
I wish I could control time
10-09-2010, 06:32 AM
You put half a teaspoon in the bowl, along with a dash of rosemary and a sprinkling of parsley. Toss and serve.
You didn't know the genie couldn't spell? :D
I wish my unpleasant neighbor would smile occasionally when she sees me, instead of scowling like the wicked witch.
10-09-2010, 06:38 AM
Granted. In fact, now she's pointing and laughing.
I wish I could still find Steak Tartare in a good restaurant.
10-12-2010, 02:15 AM
Granted: The Genie directs you to an excellent restaurant that serves the best Steak Tartare in the entire country. Unfortunately, you and your date are turned away at the door because you don't have reservations. Oh, well.
I wish I had more vacation time accrued.
10-14-2010, 07:16 AM
Granted. Unfortunately you can only vacation in Antarctica.
I wish I could decide what to do for NaNo.
10-15-2010, 01:42 AM
What's NaNo? (Google was no help.)
10-17-2010, 12:16 AM
Granted: But you decide to keep it a secret between yourself and the Genie.
I wish the Genie would give me a pleasant lakefront home.
10-19-2010, 06:51 AM
Granted. You get an absolutely beautiful lakefront home next to Spirit Lake and a gorgeous view of a neighboring mountain. It is May 1980 and the mountain is Mount St. Helens. Enjoy your home while you can.
I wish the dirty dishes would wash themselves and put themselves away.
10-19-2010, 06:01 PM
The dishes wash themselves and put themselves away. Now and forever. Of course, they don't wait until you're done with your food, which is leaving you rather hungry, and your water bill is skyrocketing, and the whole thing is starting to take on the feel of Mickey Mouse in the Sorcerer's Apprentice for you....
But your dishes are done.
I wish I had the answers.
10-20-2010, 12:35 AM
Granted: The Genie, who's in a foul mood today, turns to you a shouts, "GOOGLE IT!!!"
I wish there was a nicer Genie.
10-20-2010, 12:51 AM
You can't ask for a nicer genie than this, can you? By the way, her rates are negotiable. :D
I wish I had a hot-air balloon.
10-21-2010, 06:52 AM
Granted. You have a hot air balloon. All the cats in the neighborhood love climbing on it and sharpening their claws on it. Enjoy it while it lasts.
I wish my library had a complete set of Rutherford Montgomery's books.
10-22-2010, 09:57 AM
Granted: You now have one copy of every edition, by every publisher, including foreign language translations, in hardcover and paperback of every book Montgomery ever wrote under his own name and every pen name. The books take up so much space you had to get rid of your furniture, and now sleep standing up.
I wish I could travel back in time and meet my favorite poets.
10-23-2010, 07:37 AM
Granted, but now you're stuck there.
I wish I could read minds.
10-23-2010, 07:54 AM
You get to read the minds of fish. hey, it works for Aquaman. :D
I wish I'd gotten that glass of water when I was up earlier.
11-06-2010, 11:31 AM
Granted. The Genie turns back time to the instant before you were about to leave the kitchen. You remember the glass of water, return to your seat and set the glass down on the end table to your left. Unfortunately (isn't that a different thread?) you forgot that you had moved the table to the right side yesterday, the glass falls to the floor spilling all of the water.
I wish I had remembered that I had moved the end table, I'm still thirsty.
11-10-2010, 06:58 AM
Granted. You have remembered you moved the table. However since you left the glass sitting overnight you have given spiders time to spin webs all around the glass.
I wish I had a money tree.
11-10-2010, 09:15 AM
Granted. You now have a tree that grows money. Make sure you water it with fresh unicorn tears every day. You don't wanna go near that thing when it gets hungry...
I wish I had... a thousand wishes!
11-10-2010, 09:25 AM
Granted, you may choose from any of the wishes used in this thread (with appropriate side-effects).
I wish I had Wolverine's regeneration, and those claws would be pretty cool too.
11-11-2010, 04:28 AM
Granted: You now have a wolverine's regenerative powers (assuming you're not thinking of the football team or the superhero.) You have also adopted the body shape, the hair, the need to walk on all-fours, and the disposition.
Your family comes home, sees you and calls Fish and Game. You are trapped and taken by helicopter deep into the woods, and released. The Genie says to herself, "Why would anyone wish for that? Humans are so strange."
I wish I could live overseas again.
11-11-2010, 09:08 PM
Tadaaaaa...! WOW! Look at that, CDSinex! You're living in a hot air balloon (apparently stuck in an empty air pocket) over the sea. You will love it here, as long as you like this incredible view of endless choppy seas. Enjoy it fast, ok? because there's a limited amount of gas in the burner. (This is what you wanted, right?)
I wish I could make myself invisible.
11-11-2010, 09:21 PM
That's easy. >poof< your existence has been erased. You were never born. Who am I talking to?
I wish I had Stephen Hawking's brain, Daniel Craig's body and Bill Gates's money.
11-12-2010, 04:12 AM
So, now you have a 69 yo brain which may well end up in a jar of formaldehyde quite soon. and you have Gates' money. All of it. And man, is he pissed! He wants it back and has called in all his favors to make sure it happens quick. That leaves you with Craig's body, and I can't think of anything smart-ass about that, so I guess you got a good deal. (Except for that nasty Gates thing, which is apt to put you and your new-found body in the ground soon.)
I wish I could travel back in time.
11-12-2010, 04:43 AM
Granted. You are now .000001 milliseconds out of synch with time. Congratulations.
I wish I had a pet dragon.
11-13-2010, 02:18 AM
Granted: You are now the proud owner of a Komodo Dragon, which has drawn the attention of small-pet owners within a 5 mile radius, whose pets are missing.
Oh, and the knock on your door that you just heard are Federal Agents who want to know what smuggling ring sold you your dragon. They offer waive prosecution if you will “name names” and take your insistence that a “wish Genie” gave it to you as non-cooperation. You will soon be extradited to Indonesia to face felony charges for smuggling an endangered species.
Next time ask for a parakeet, I know I will.
I wish I had a parakeet. :D
11-13-2010, 03:51 AM
Granted: You are now the proud owner of a parakeet. You immediately discover that you are deathly allergic to parakeets, and you pass out as your throat swells shut to the soothing tweets of your pet.
I wish I could enjoy my favorite foods without worrying about negative health consequences.
11-13-2010, 06:32 AM
Tommy the Tapeworm says thank you for all the wonderful meals. Might want to start eating a lot more of them.
I wish I had more answers than I do.
11-13-2010, 09:28 AM
Granted. Too bad being Mr. Know-it-all makes you insufferable, as well as insane.
I wish people from work would stop calling my cell.
11-13-2010, 06:46 PM
Granted: You suddenly find yourself in a prison cell to which no one may call. On the bright side, your cellmate is the strong silent type, not the chatty kind.
I wish I could get a short break from life's petty annoyances.
11-13-2010, 06:50 PM
Granted. I'll bang you on the head with a hammer; you should be comatose for a few weeks (unless I hit too hard . . . then you won't need any more wishes).
I wish I had a robot to do all those things I don't want to do.
11-14-2010, 06:52 AM
Two words: Danger, Will Robinson! ... You're in the hospital at least once a week from great gaping wounds caused by wildly flailing robot claws.
I wish a miracle would occur in the game I am watching.
11-15-2010, 09:29 PM
Wow... did you see that, slcboston?? Right there in the stands a woman gave birth to a baby boy! Wow... is that a miracle, or what?
Sorry your team lost their ass, though. Maybe next time, huh?
I wish I was living on a sail boat in the Caribbean.
11-16-2010, 01:34 AM
Granted: You are living a dream life on your boat in the Caribbean Sea. One day, while marlin fishing, your boat drifts close to U.S. waters and is intercepted by a Coast Guard cutter. They mistake you for a Cuban, and under the “wet foot, dry foot” policy order you “back” into Cuban waters. There you are met by the Cuban navy, who, upon seeing your naval escort, assume you are part of an evasion force fire on you sinking your boat. They pick you up and arrest you. Don’t you wish you had paid more attention in high school Spanish? I know I do. :D
I wish I had paid more attention in high school Spanish class.
11-16-2010, 03:59 AM
You paid a lot more attention in Spanish class. In fact, it was the only foreign language you studied. Yesterday, your company transferred you to Japan. :tongue
I wish I had a tumtum tree.
11-16-2010, 07:22 PM
Granted: You now have a TumTum tree under which you rest and stand in thought, all day everyday. People all over the world take pleasure in you and your tree. You are now an illustration in a children's book. Smile.
I wish I had the time and money to do the things I want.
11-19-2010, 06:48 AM
Granted. A six-foot white rabbit moves into your life and grants that wish. Unfortunately you are the only one who can see the wabbit and you get thrown into the local insane asylum.
I wish I had a Pernese dragon.
11-19-2010, 07:54 AM
Righto, your Pornese dragon will be knocking on your door any minute. He's horny as hell and doesn't take no for an answer!
I wish I lived a life of quiet tranquillity.
11-19-2010, 09:03 AM
You now live on the Island of Ku, an uncharted isle somewhere in the Pacific (or maybe it's the Atlantic). You are the only human being on Ku. You will spend all your days in the shade of a Bujibab tree, quietly contemplating your navel, for the rest of your life.
I wish I had a robot to do my chores.
11-19-2010, 09:16 AM
Granted. We just discovered a warehouse full of killer robots that were made for the army back in 1959. They're in very good condition, except they have a tendency to fall over, and to occasional blast everything in sight with their atomic death ray. I wouldn't ask one to clean the toilets if I were you.
I wish we could all party like it's 1999 again. Ah, those were the days . . .
11-19-2010, 09:28 AM
Granted. You are transported back to 1999, where you are foolish enough to wager everything you own on the Tennessee Titans in the Super Bowl.
I wish it were Friday.
11-19-2010, 09:51 AM
Granted. That was an easy one. It is Friday here.
I wish the state would get through with their road construction projects.
11-19-2010, 09:42 PM
Granted: The State finishes all of the road projects and doesn't plan any new ones, resulting in massive layoffs sending the local economy into a tail spin. In Tennessee it soon comes to be known as the Alleycat recession.
I wish my State would get all of the federal funds Rand Paul doesn't want.
11-21-2010, 06:21 PM
Granted. You get all the funds Rand Paul doesn't want. With the funds comes all kinds of new federal regulations and taxes.
I wish I could get caught up on my NaNo project.
11-21-2010, 09:37 PM
Granted: You are so caught up in your NaNo project you have no time for anything else. Friends and family begin to worry because you neither eat nor sleep. In fact, when they implore you to take a rest, or stop for a meal you only answer, "Na. No, I'm good."
I wish I could wish for something that wouldn't turn around and bite me.
11-21-2010, 09:38 PM
Granted. You'll get a snake with a bad back.
I wish all of this week was a holiday.
11-22-2010, 12:00 AM
All this week is a holiday, and you will use the entire time to perform your court-mandated community service. (Remember that little matter of throwing gum wrappers from a moving car?)
Enjoy, and let that be a lesson to you!
I wish I had the gift of prophecy.
11-22-2010, 12:25 AM
Granted: You now share Cassandra’s gift of prophecy. And, like her, all of your visions of the future come true. Unfortunately, no one believes you either.
I wish the newly minted prophet, Nymtoc, would write the winning numbers to the next Power Ball or Mega Millions (I said “or” because I’m not greedy) on a piece of paper and give it to me. You can win the other one, Nym. :D) Remember I asked first.
11-22-2010, 12:38 AM
Granted, he will write it on a piece of paper this minute and post it US Mail. It should be there in a week or two.
I wish I was a Ninja.
11-24-2010, 08:02 AM
Granted. You are a Ninja on the losing side in a battle between two daimyos.
I wish I owned Zenyatta.
11-24-2010, 09:48 AM
Granted, but you'll develop a horrible gambling addiction at the track.
I wish I was Zenyatta.
11-24-2010, 06:15 PM
You are Zenyatta. As you undoubtedly know, the champion filly was originally purchased at the low price of $60,000 because she suffered from a form of ringworm.
The ringworm has come back.
I wish I would find a present in my mailbox every day.
11-24-2010, 10:18 PM
A present? Is that like the "present" my dog leaves me sometimes on the dining room carpet? Okay. Pzooo....PZAAAMmmm....!!! Done.
You might wanna take a little plastic bag and maybe a spray bottle of Febreeze with you when checking the mail from now on.
I wish I could speak fluent Chinese.
11-25-2010, 02:42 AM
You speak fluent Chinese. It's the only language you can speak.
I wish I had a banana right now.
11-25-2010, 02:54 AM
Granted. Here's the number for your local Banana Hut: 1-800-EAT-NANA. Delivery in 30 minutes or less guaranteed.
I wish I had a foolproof plan.
11-25-2010, 05:26 AM
Granted. Here is your foolproof plan for going to the bathroom without peeing in your pants. Step 1 remove pants and underwear. Step 2 Go pee.
I wish my active vocabulary encompassed every word in the English language.
11-25-2010, 05:52 AM
Though no one knows exactly how many words are in the English language, the consensus is that there are about a million, including scientific terms. So all those words are now in your active vocabulary--with one caveat. (You didn't expect this wish to be granted without a gimmick, did you?)
The gimmick is: You may not repeat any word until you have used all the other words in your vocabulary at least once.
I wish I had my own private railroad train.
11-25-2010, 12:30 PM
Granted: And after the tree is decorated you may setup the tracks and play with it. Have fun.
I wish all of my Christmas shopping was finished, and paid for.
11-25-2010, 12:51 PM
Granted. Everyone gets a $1 McDonald gift card this year. It's the thought that counts.
I wish someone would give me a Ferrari for Christmas. Now that would be a thought that counted!
11-25-2010, 09:40 PM
That's an easy one to grant!
You will find under your tree , beautifully wrapped, a chocolate peanut butter cupcake from the Adriano Ferrari & Sons Bakery, on Ditmas Avenue, in Flatbush, Brooklyn. This particular cupcake has become so popular that everyone refers to it simply as a "Ferrari."
I wish I could travel to an alternate universe.
11-25-2010, 09:45 PM
Granted. There is one downside however. In this alternate universe everything is exactly the same as in the old universe, only you see to have much longer nose hair.
I wish it would stop snowing.
11-25-2010, 11:32 PM
Granted: It has stopped snowing throughout B.C. (Assuming it's that Vancouver). If you don't believe me look out your window. Oh, and those thousands of people picketing in front of your home are the ski resort workers, bus drivers, etc., and their families who were laid off, or if it is that Vancouver, made redundant, because of the lack of snow. The Genie is saddened by all of this, but she's on her way to Mt. Baker just over the border in Washington for a long ski weekend. She'll get back to you on Monday. Enjoy your weekend.
I wish I had the discipline to stay off this thread.
11-25-2010, 11:52 PM
Granted. Mac gets irritated at you and bans you from this thread.
I wish it was against the law to play Christmas in stores until the day after Thanksgiving.
11-26-2010, 04:59 AM
Granted. Although, I've never actually heard of anyone playing Christmas. Is that like Playing house?
I wish I had a servant to do all my menial chores.
11-26-2010, 06:44 AM
You have a servant to do all your menial chores, and in order to pay that servant, you work seven days a week as a servant to three other people.
I wish every cloud had a silver lining.
11-26-2010, 08:06 PM
Granted: All of the clouds over wherever you happen to be at any given time have silver linings, more precisely, silver iodide linings. Silver iodide, of course, is the chemical used to seed clouds to make them rain (I guess that explains the bad weather you've been experiencing.) "Oh, by-the-way", the Genie turns and says (Don't you just hate it when she does that?), "prolonged exposure to silver iodide can be fatal."
I wish life would get back to normal.
11-30-2010, 06:18 AM
Granted. Life the magazine is published in Normal, Oklahoma.
I wish I could write sixteen thousand words before midnight tomorrow night.
11-30-2010, 06:37 AM
Granted, they are all "I". Just hit shift and hold down the "i" key, that should do it. (insert spaces the day after).
I wish I win the academy award for best screenwriting next year.
11-30-2010, 11:04 PM
Granted: The Genie promises that you will win the, “Academy Award for best screenwriting next year.” (Fast forward a few months into 2011.)
As the nomination season approaches you begin to get anxious, and call the Genie reminding her of her promise. She says she’ll have to check her notes, and, after a few moments of fumbling around, looks up, smiles, and says, “Yes, it’s right here. I promised you will win, ‘next year.’ Remind me again in 2012.”
As you may have guessed by now, you are doomed to repeat this scene every year for your entire life. Too bad the Twilight Zone is off the air. A story like yours might have a shot at an Emmy.
I wish I had Jay Leno’s car collection.
11-30-2010, 11:56 PM
Granted. You are now Jay Leno.
I wish it was sunny today.
12-03-2010, 05:00 PM
It is sunny today, but it will not be sunny again this year.
I wish that all people in government were as intelligent as Einstein and as wise as Solomon.
12-03-2010, 05:19 PM
And the moment they start saying sensible things and stop spouting the usual demagoguery, they are voted out of office because they no longer represent the "views" of the average voter. But it was a nice try.
I wish I could regulate the heat in my house better.
12-03-2010, 05:29 PM
granted, but the whole thing's burned down.
I wish I could remember to not throw the baby out with the bathwater...
12-03-2010, 08:23 PM
Now you put the baby in the recyclables, where it belongs.
I wish I had a different dressing for my salad
12-03-2010, 08:53 PM
Granted, your salad is now in sea-foam taffeta with sequins.
I wish for a few hours of peace and quiet.
12-03-2010, 09:03 PM
Oh, Genie can help! BAM! You're in the Genie's bottle for a few hours of peace and quiet. To a genie who is accustommed to centuries inside a bottle, a few is like... maybe a million. I tossed the bottle into the ocean , because the ocean floor miles below is the quietest place I know.
I wish I could focus more on important things and skip the more trivial.
12-03-2010, 10:29 PM
Granted, you will now obsess about your impending death and the deaths of everyone you love for the rest of your life. Also, the knowledge that the Earth will eventually be utterly destroyed and all of the works of mankind will have no more impact on the universe than a grain of sand has in the desert will keep you up at night wondering why anything about your trivial existence matters at all.
I wish I could focus better and stop playing silly games like this.
12-04-2010, 03:45 AM
Granted: You are now a fixed-focus disposable camera, and you feel your life clicking away one frame at a time. ...21, 22, 23, (oops, the flash didn't go off) 24. Now off to the drug store with you.
I wish I had a all of my work done.
12-04-2010, 04:30 AM
Granted. But it wasn't such a good idea to hire a twelve-year-old to finish your WIP because now you're under investigation for child labor violations. Sorry.
I wish my cats could talk to me.
12-04-2010, 05:41 AM
They never shut up.
I wish for a diaper tree (those things are EXPENSIVE).
12-04-2010, 05:43 AM
Granted. Here's instructions. Make your own.
I wish I had an Easy button.
12-04-2010, 05:48 AM
It works for your daughter - or your granddaughter, whichever. Possibly even your wife, provided you're out of town on business. (The djinn will kindly give you a moment to ponder the implications of that. My recommendation? Lock it away in a box and drop it in the ocean. :D)
I wish I hadn't left the fingerless gloves down on the first floor.
12-04-2010, 06:16 AM
Now they have fingers in them. It's up to you to figure out how to get them out and dispose of them.
I wish that I didn't feel nervous playing classical guitar in front of an audience.
12-04-2010, 06:55 AM
You are confident and raring to go... but feel very itchy instead.
I wish I had a lemur tail.
12-04-2010, 06:58 AM
Granted. But I have to tell you, there is going to be one very pissed off tailless lemur running around.
I wish we could hibernate through winter.
12-04-2010, 07:12 AM
Granted. But come spring we wont wake up. As a matter of fact, we will wake up next November. Right in time for another winter.
I wish my hands weren't so cold. Then Scarlatti wouldn't be so dang hard to play.
(cold hands + fast piano piece= not good)
12-04-2010, 01:13 PM
Granted: Your hands are now warm, very warm in fact, because the Genie has gotten you a job hand-washing pots and pans in a busy Chinese restaurant for ten hours a day. After work your fingers are so shriveled and tired you play your Scarlatti sonatas slower than when your hands were cold.
I wish I were sleepy.
12-04-2010, 01:20 PM
Granted! You find yourself getting sleepy, and then all the world fades. But when you wake up you are not in your bed-- while you were sleeping you were kidnapped by a group of angry dwarves!
I wish my head didn't hurt.
12-04-2010, 08:02 PM
You step outside, slip, fall, and shatter your leg in twelve places. Mind you, technically, your head still hurts, but you won't notice. :D
I wish I had snow tires.
12-04-2010, 09:24 PM
But as you drive over the mountain you slip on black ice and slide of the edge in the the lands far far below. (that almost happened to me once, actually-- scary!)
So you got your snow tires, they just didn't do you much good. :)
12-05-2010, 12:13 AM
I wish that people posting in this thread would remember to make a wish after granting the previous poster's wish.
12-05-2010, 12:24 AM
your wish is granted! but then the internet shuts down for a week due to heavy snowfall.
I wish I had a better memory.
12-05-2010, 12:30 AM
Granted. Here's a notebook. And a pen.
I wish I were as thrilled about this time of year as I was when I was a child.
12-05-2010, 12:36 AM
And in your next life you'll born a Muslim and needn't worry about it.
I wish Paul McCartney was taking me to dinner tonight.
12-05-2010, 01:17 AM
Paul Diddledork McCartney, of Brooklyn, is taking you to dinner at the Koffee Kup Café.
I wish I could solve all my problems by snapping my fingers.
12-05-2010, 01:50 AM
Granted. Snap your finger 2.5 billion times and all your problems will be solved.
I wish things would stop breaking in my house and just work as they're supposed to.
12-05-2010, 02:26 AM
Things have quit breaking into your house and go to work like they are supposed to.... you now have a lot of extra crap to haul with you to work everyday. Get a van.
I wish I had a magic wand.
12-05-2010, 09:59 AM
Granted, you now have a magic wand but it's mostly used for Wii games and you ended up breaking it anyway after throwing it at the TV in frustration after consistently missing the swing on the golf game.
I wish I had a 1969 Mustang Boss 429, toot sweet!
12-05-2010, 08:11 PM
Granted, you now have a candy-whistle shaped exactly like the car. (That's what you meant by toot sweet right?)
I wish I had a bottomless pit of money.
12-05-2010, 08:13 PM
Though, as it is a bottomless pit, getting anything out of it is rather difficult. Also, I'd stay away from the edges.
I'm starting to wish I did, in fact, own a 4WD vehicle.
12-05-2010, 08:53 PM
Granted, but it's an ATV with no windows or doors. Bring a good coat!
I wish I today was still Saturday.
12-05-2010, 10:31 PM
It's Saturday. Next week. You, according to everyone around you, had the *most* amazing, incredible, wild week of your life. Of which you remember nothing, though you do have a nice souvenir tattoo. And it is still Saturday.
I wish I could find what I was looking for.
12-05-2010, 10:33 PM
Granted. You will find it in the last place you look; so keep looking.
I wish I knew WHAT I was looking for?
12-05-2010, 10:57 PM
Good luck finding it, though.
I wish I knew if school will be cancelled tomorrow so I don't have to shovel the driveway today.
12-06-2010, 01:03 AM
Granted. A giant meteorite will strike your house at midnight tonight, wiping out everything within a twenty mile radius, including your school (which will be shut down by the way).
I wish I could do magic like Gandalf or Merlin (or Dumbledore).
12-06-2010, 05:50 AM
You can do magic, but only when no one is aware of it, and when you try to convince people you really can do magic like Gandalf or Merlin or Dumbledore, you are taken away to a "restful place" in the country, where you will be looked after by kindly people.
I wish my kitchen drain wouldn't get clogged so often.
12-06-2010, 06:17 AM
Zippidee-Dippidee-dappity-doooo.. wham bam KAZAAAM!!!
There you go, Nymtoc... no more clogs. Of course, the magic I cast is so a plumber will automatically show up every other day at a charge of $96 a fix. But it's not like you have to actually call him or anythng. Pretty cool, huh?
I wish this huge stack of papers would just file themselves away.
12-06-2010, 10:11 AM
Granted: Your filing cabinet drawers magically fly open, and the papers jump into the alphabetized folders. Unfortunately the papers are sorted randomly.
You don't bother to check the Genie's accuracy, and go home. The next morning the errors are discovered, and your boss thinks you did it intentionally. Enjoy your last morning at work.
I wish I could stop editing things I write.
12-06-2010, 10:30 AM
You no longer edit what you write. As a result, your writing is an inchoate mass of words that make little sense, even to you, and your writing efforts are doomed to failure.
I wish Santa would bring me a motorcycle for Christmas.
12-06-2010, 09:11 PM
Granted. Unfortunately you will soon find out that your new Harley was, until Santa moved it to your place, the property of one Gareth "Hulk" Cassidy, enforcer for the local Hells Angel's chapter. Oh and by the way, he has lowjack.
I wish my next book was done already.
12-07-2010, 07:37 AM
Granted: Your next book is done. As a matter of fact, your agent, upon reading it said you're done in the industry, too.
I wish I were getting a huge bonus this Christmas.
12-07-2010, 09:15 AM
Well... You WERE getting a huge bonus this Christmas, until that thing with the boss's daughter. Ahem, best not to talk about that, just be happy you have a job.
I wish for a white Christmas.
12-07-2010, 10:18 AM
Well, that wish gives the genie a little problem, because, see, he really is a softie underneath all the snarkiness, and he would hate to deny anyone a white Christmas, so he's going to grant your wish--with one proviso. You will be shoveling snow until the end of March.
I wish my favorite restaurant had not closed.
12-07-2010, 08:55 PM
Granted. Your favourite restaurant is still open. You do know why it was shut down by the health department don't you? I'll give you a hint. That's not chicken.
I wish I had one of those huge LCD monitors with super-high contrast ratio and such.
12-08-2010, 02:30 AM
Granted: You now have an LCD, Lowest Common Denominator, monitor. It only receives programs that are intellectually the simplest and most basic. On one of the two channels you can only watch Glen Beck, and on the other, Rachael Ray. I think you'd have to agree that the bubbly Ray, and the delusional Beck offer super-high contrast and such.
I wish I had something interesting to do today.
12-08-2010, 04:53 AM
Granted. You have been framed for the murder of Giovanni Calbrese, the local Mob boss. The next time your doorbell rings it will be Guido "Blowtorch" Calbrese, coming for revenge. You can either stick around and find out why they call him Blowtorch or start running. I'd start running if I were you.
I'm actually so generous that I'm extending your wish time frame, this activity will keep you occupied for the rest of your life. However long that may be.
I wish all the Christmas decorating was already done.
12-11-2010, 09:35 AM
Granted. You have hung the mistletoe and are waiting for someone to come under it and kiss you. You will wait a long, long time.
I wish no one would give me a hideous necktie for Christmas.
12-11-2010, 10:00 AM
Granted: And don't be alarmed when you see several thin, flat, long, gifted wrapped boxes under your tree on Christmas morning. They, the Genie promises, do not contain neckties. They contain ascots, hideous ascots.
I wish I hadn't made so many commitments for the holidays.
12-13-2010, 07:29 AM
Granted. Nobody wants anything to do with you any more and you spend your holiday utterly alone except for your pet goldfish.
I wish I had a money tree.
12-13-2010, 08:36 AM
Granted. You will have money to burn ... monopoly money ;P
I wish I had a new laptop.
12-13-2010, 09:33 AM
Granted. You have a new, state-of-the-art laptop. It kicks ass. Truly it is the nicest computer you've ever laid hands on. Unfortunately there was a slight hiccup with transferring all your old files. Everything you've ever written is lost forever and you just can't seem to get the magic back.
I wish the magic was back.
12-13-2010, 12:48 PM
Granted: The Orlando Magic will be back in Orlando December 15th ~ 19th. The Genie has no idea why someone from Vancouver would even care, but a wish is a wish.
I wish I had a Transporter like on Star Trek so I wouldn't have to use airports.
12-13-2010, 04:01 PM
You have a transporter, but under the new rules, before you can be beamed up you must undergo a thorough background check, followed by a body scan and a complete pat-down. Furthermore, you must arrive at the terminal seven hours before transporting time. You must not carry any sharp objects and must not carry any on-beam luggage. If you successfully comply with these restrictions, you will be transported where you want to go--unless you happen to be on the government's no-beam list.
I wish I lived in a penthouse.
12-14-2010, 03:04 AM
Granted. You now live in a penthouse. The pages are rather sticky, sorry about that, it gets pretty lonely in this lamp.
I wish I had the body of a Greek God.
12-14-2010, 04:33 PM
The body was found on Mount Olympus, and you bought it from some guy on the street in Athens for 15,000 drachmas. Until you figure out which god's body it is--the seller was pretty vague about it--you're keeping it in the basement.
I wish I could go to Tahiti for Christmas.
12-14-2010, 09:55 PM
Granted. You could go to Tahiti if you had enough money and vacation time. There...that was easy.
I wish someone would go refill my coffee for me.
12-15-2010, 09:24 AM
Granted: To your surprise, the only person in your office with whom you don't get along starts being friendly and keeps bringing you fresh coffee all day. On your way out you stop by your coworker's desk to say thanks, and mention how pleased you are with the new direction of your relationship. That's when you notice the empty bottle of rat poison in the trash can.
I wish I didn't get so much junk mail.
12-15-2010, 09:38 AM
Granted. That creepy guy down the hall now steals ALL your mail (not just the requests and offers of representation).
I wish Santa was real.
12-18-2010, 06:10 PM
Granted. However, now you have a large fat elf watching your every move. Better start being a good person unless you want lots of coal in your stocking.(Although given the recent weather that might not be such a bad present.)
I wish I could have the cookies sacrificed to Santa.
12-18-2010, 08:45 PM
Since the world now contains approximately 2,775,235,741 households, if each household leaves approximately eight cookies for Santa, the total number of cookies comes to 222,018,859,928.
They have all been delivered to your house. Needless to say, you have had to move out.
I wish I could win a trip around the world.
12-18-2010, 09:22 PM
Granted. There is a shadowy man who follows you, wherever you go, all around the world. Every day, when you're least suspecting it he'll stick out a leg and trip you.
I wish I had all my Christmas shopping done.
12-20-2010, 08:05 AM
Granted: The Genie finishes all of your Christmas shopping, and even gift wraps and labels all of the gifts. Unfortunately, some of the labels got mixed up. Your girlfriend is furious when she opens her present in front of everyone and finds a year's Weight Watchers membership. Your aunt on the other hand ... well lets just say she has a smile on her face.
I wish I wasn't so busy this week.
12-20-2010, 09:57 AM
Granted. You now have absolutely nothing to do this week. Your funeral will be held next week.
I wish I could get a full workout every day just sitting at my desk.
12-25-2010, 03:25 AM
No prob. Are you sitting at your desk? Ok... by the numbers... 1-pick up your phone. 2-put it down. 3-pick up your stapler. 4-Take those papers in your other hand. 5-staple staple staple. 6-drop that stapler. 7-spin your chair around. 8-do it again. Lets go DJ, pick it up a little. Take it from the top 1,2,3,4,5,5,5,5,6,7,7,7,7.
*whew! Ok. Do that 83 times a day at your desk, DJ.
I wish ... I wish I could visit people in their dreams.
12-25-2010, 04:38 AM
Zap! You are now in someone's dream.
Oops! The genie forgot to give you a return ticket.
I wish they would build a statue to me in the town square.
12-25-2010, 05:06 AM
Granted: In your hometown there is now a perfect likeness of you, in bronze, standing on a seven-foot high granite pillar in the park. The pillar is inscribed, Town Square, which apparently is how most people remember you. Within three-months the statue will be covered in bird poop.
I wish I could stay home tomorrow.
12-27-2010, 07:35 AM
Granted. Fifteen feet of snow traps you in your house.
I wish I knew how my current writing project ends.
12-28-2010, 01:25 AM
Granted: The Genie, while protesting that it's a bit unorthodox, leans over and whispers in your ear, "Your project ends with a period."
I wish I didn't write only in the morning.
12-28-2010, 03:12 AM
You now write between 9 p.m. and 9:04 p.m., between 10:22 p.m. and 10:23 p.m., between 11 p.m. and 11:04 p.m., between 2 a.m. and 2:03 a.m., between 2:55 a.m. and 2:59 a.m., between 3: 01 a.m. and 3:02 a.m., between 3:49 a.m. and 3:51 am., between 4:04 a.m. and 4:08 a.m., between 4:32 a.m. and 4:33 a.m., after which you will fall asleep, since you have had to stay awake all night to keep on schedule.
I wish to make $1 million from my writing in 2011.
12-29-2010, 01:23 AM
Granted! You will indeed make a million from your writing in old soviet rubles this year.
I wish I could write a blog that attracts a thousand visitors a day.
12-29-2010, 02:11 AM
Granted: Your blog attracts well over 1,000 hits a day. All but ten are people seeking the Starbeam Restaurant in Surin, Thailand.
I wish I didn’t have to go so far for Thai food.
12-30-2010, 11:31 AM
You now live in Ratchasima, Thailand, where all the Thai food you want is easily available on the farm where you work.
I wish I could write a great screenplay.
12-30-2010, 08:24 PM
Granted. You will now be taken to court for attempting to pass a Shakespearian play as your own.
I wish my cats didn't meow outside my door at night.
12-31-2010, 02:13 AM
Granted: From now on they meow inside your door at night.
I wish the sun would come out.
12-31-2010, 04:24 AM
Granted. The sun came out of the closet, and it now projects rainbow flags everywhere.
I wish that my husband could get a better job.
12-31-2010, 04:45 AM
Granted. Enjoy your new life in Russia.
I wish I didn't spend so much time on AW.
12-31-2010, 04:50 AM
Granted! Now you spend most of your time googling for free porn.
I wish I was rich and could quit my day job.
12-31-2010, 09:18 AM
Granted. Your driver's license now reads "Rich" (Like Cher and Beyonce you only need one name). Feel free to quit your day job any time you like.
I wish I had a ten inch pianist.
01-01-2011, 01:41 AM
Granted: You now have a ten-inch pianist, who walks across the keys sounding like a musically disinclined cat.
I wish I could see into the future.
01-01-2011, 01:48 AM
Granted, but it turns out the world is going to end at exactly midnight tonight. Enjoy your last few hours.
I wish I was better at the finishing things.
01-02-2011, 09:14 AM
Granted: You are now better, so much better, at finishing things. Sadly, you are no quicker at getting around to starting things to finish.
I wish I hadn't already broken most of my New Years resolutions.
01-02-2011, 10:04 AM
Granted. But, tomorrow and every day after, you will break ALL of your resolutions.
I wish there were more hours in the day.
01-02-2011, 11:57 PM
Granted. The work day has now been extended an additional eight hours.
I wish I were the most famous writer in history.
01-03-2011, 02:49 AM
Granted: You are now the most famous writer in history, Mrs. Miller's seventh-grade history class to be specific. Your fame, actually your notoriety, comes from the fact that you are the oldest seventh-grader in the country.
I wish I could think of something really cool to wish for.
01-03-2011, 05:16 AM
Granted. It was so cool in fact that no one else could think of anything to top it, and this thread came to an untimely end.
I wish the above granted wish wasn't true.
01-05-2011, 11:09 PM
Granted. The wish was not granted (huh?) But that means Jan.2nd never happened.
Do you really want to relive that New Year's day hangover?
I'm not as tired as I was earlier. I hope I don't start feeling amibitious and knock myself out again.
01-05-2011, 11:20 PM
Granted. You're now feeling so apathetic that you've just been lapped by a rock.
I wish it was still 2010.
01-06-2011, 12:19 AM
Granted. You have now been transported back to 2010, to the exact time and place you were at this moment in 2010. Unfortunately the year-younger you is occupying the space when you arrive and the two of you make a rather large mess.
I wish I had something sweet to nibble on right now.
01-06-2011, 12:29 AM
Granted, you are encased in chocolate and have to eat your way out (not sure that's a bad thing though).
I wish I didn't get so sleepy in the afternoons.
01-06-2011, 12:48 AM
Granted. You are now wide awake every afternoon between 1:00 and 4:00. The rest of the time you must sleep.... Or die!
I wish I had the solution to cold fusion.
01-08-2011, 04:22 AM
Granted. It's hot fusion possible only on Venus with its nine hundred degrees. Better take lots of sunscreen.
I wish I had a thousand-dollar Borders gift card.
01-08-2011, 05:43 AM
Granted. You now have a thousand-dollar Borders gift card. The guy who traded it for your car was very happy by the way.
I wish I was a good enough salesman to trade $1,000 Borders gift cards and get brand-new new cars.
01-10-2011, 02:17 AM
Granted: You list the gift card on craigslist, and, due to your newly gained sales skills, convince the first caller to trade a new car for it. You’re a little suspicious though, and insist on taking the car for a test drive. The seller (trader?) is equally wary and asks you to “test drive” the car to the nearest Borders. At Borders you stay in the car to check it out while he runs into the store to have the card verified. When he fails to return after several minutes you begin to get concerned. You decide to check on him, and as you open the car door you notice that you are surrounded by police officers; all with guns drawn. Later at the police station a car salesman mistakenly identifies you in a lineup as the person who took the car for a test drive two days ago and never returned.
I wish I weren’t so gullible.
01-11-2011, 03:26 AM
Granted. You now distrust everyone and alienate them by constantly investigating their motives.
I wish I never have to go through another ice storm.
01-17-2011, 01:49 AM
Granted. No more ice storms for you in the Sahara. Sandstorms are the latest craze.
I wish for bubblegum that never loses its taste.
01-17-2011, 02:01 AM
Granted. But it turns into a sticky mass, and you can't blow bubbles anymore.
I wish I had a cat who could talk.
01-17-2011, 02:58 AM
Granted. He does not like you very much and tells you about your flaws at every opportunity.
I wish I had an eidetic memory.
01-17-2011, 06:09 AM
Granted: You’re now able to recall every sound, smell, sight, and feeling you’ve ever had. Your brain is so overloaded processing memories you can only sit and stare blankly. (You do smile a lot, though.)
I wish I had some ice cream.
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