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LaurieD
03-09-2009, 06:47 PM
Granted - uh, here's your "personal" gift. Enjoy your hemorrhoid ointment.

I wish the people who only think they know how to drive actually drove like they know how to drive.

jubileerocker
03-09-2009, 08:40 PM
Granted you are on a road where everyone can drive, welcome to downtown New York in a traffic jam. Everyone knows how to stop and they are stopped... for the next four hours.

I wish my birthday CD was here

Nymtoc
03-09-2009, 09:14 PM
I wish my birthday CD was here

Granted.

It's a CD of the Chipmunks singing "A Hunting We Will Go," "A Peanut Sat," Ants Go Marching," "All the Pretty Little Horses," "Baby Bumble Bee," "Baa Baa Blacksheep," "The Farmer in the Dell," "Peter Cottontail," "Rubber Ducky," "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," "This Old Man," "Teddy Bear Picnic," "Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf," and, of course, "Happy Birthday."

:partyguy:

I wish my equipment wouldn't keep breaking down.

Aristocrazy
03-09-2009, 09:17 PM
Granted, but your other "equipment" breaks down.

I wish the poster below me dies of a heart attack the second they post their reply to this thread!

Ms. Jem
03-10-2009, 06:18 AM
Granted, but I'm not a poster in this thread, we're all genies and we don't die. However, to appease your penchant for all things fatal, here's a half-off coupon for a night with the Desperate Housewives - all of them. I hear it's the only way to go. Make out your will before you set foot on Wisteria Lane.

brad_b
03-10-2009, 06:32 PM
I wish Desperate Housewives weren't so desperate.

Ms. Jem
03-12-2009, 05:13 AM
(Thanks for making a wish!)

Granted. Desperate Housewives are not so desperate. In fact, they are so independant they don't even need their hubbies anymore. :Wha:


I wish you all a good night!

Komnena
03-12-2009, 07:06 AM
Granted. We are all quite boringly good until dawn tomorrow and do nothing wrong. In fact we do nothing except watch boringly wholesome tv shows.

I wish it was safe to go to Mexico.

ragefaith
03-12-2009, 08:05 AM
Granted. It's safe to go to Mexico. You can't, but the tens of thousands of other tourists think it's awesome.

I wish for three more wishes

jubileerocker
03-12-2009, 10:21 AM
granted you get three more wishes. The first one is drawn energy from you to make you so hungry no amount of food will satasify you. The second wish draws more energy from you making you sick. The third wish draws your last bit of energy letting you enjoy your wish for an hour before your untimely death which causes a war since your first wish was for power...

Gotta love those four horsemen

I wish my husband wouldn't grab the remote as soon as he comes home from work

LaurieD
03-12-2009, 09:04 PM
Granted! Your husband ceases to grab the remote first thing every evening. Instead, he scurries down the hall, uses your bubbly bath in the tub, then puts on satin pjs, grabs a cigar and a brandy, and THEN grabs the remote.

Since it's already snowing and they're predicting rain too, I wish enough of it would accummulate so they cancel school tomorrow.

shakeysix
03-12-2009, 10:12 PM
well, they DO cancel school. unfortunately it happens an hour after you arrive. so you are stuck there all weekend. without electricity or heat--no lights, no hot lunch. but don't despair--your well intentioned, if nerdy, teachers are there with you kids to make sure that you have a learning experience. they will be reading to you by lantern light, from your textbooks. in the evenings they will tell you kids amusing stories from their own personal experiences in the sixties and seventies. there will be pop quizzes to keep your blood flowing. and pe--lots and lots of dodge ball in the dark. oh--and the cafeteria ladies are cooking up sushi! yum! --s6

i wish that spring break would be a little springier!--s6

brad_b
03-12-2009, 11:42 PM
Granted, spring break is so springy it bounces you out of bed in the morning and you hit your head on the nightstand. You are knocked out and in a coma and when you wake up the first snowstorm of winter has arrived burying the city in so much snow it takes till spring again to dig out... when it does, spring is springier, bounces you out of bed, you hit your head... blah, blah, yadda, etc.... :)

I wish my helpers would show up to work when they're supposed to...

shakeysix
03-13-2009, 01:08 AM
sorry--i can't do much about your workers because as genies go i'm something of a putz. but i am giving you a crew of hard working men; sneezy, sleazy, dopey etc. yes--you are now boss of the seven dwarves. they always show up and they always work. so what if they sleep in the same bedroom and harbor a fifteen year old female runaway? --s6

i wish that i could dig rubies and emeralds out of my backyard--s6--s6

Komnena
03-13-2009, 01:26 AM
Granted. You dig rubies and emeralds out of your backyard. Unfortunately they are all cursed.

I wish I had space for a Doberman.

Ms. Jem
03-13-2009, 05:20 AM
Granted. You have a huge backyard and your Doberman has invited all his friends over for the weekend. It's 3 am and the party is just getting started as a buxom tan terrier eggs the crowd on with her stirring rendition of 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'

I wish terriers weren't so hyper.

Komnena
03-13-2009, 06:56 AM
Granted. All the world's terriers now sleep eighteen hours a day on the beds of their owners and when they're awake insist on watching Animal Planet whenever Victoria Stilwell's show isn't on.


I wish I had a Rolls Royce.

onestepp
03-13-2009, 07:24 AM
you received your Rolls Royce filled with seawater and a zillion tropical fish.

Wish I had Aladdin's Lamp

brad_b
03-13-2009, 03:12 PM
Granted, but every time you make a wish, you end up getting the short end of the stick just like you do on here, thus life is a Shakespearean tragedy...

I wish I was in shape for work coming out of winter hibernation...

RichardB
03-13-2009, 03:38 PM
I wish I was in shape for work coming out of winter hibernation...

Granted, but you are a sumo wrestler. I wish I had another piece of bacon right now.

brad_b
03-13-2009, 03:47 PM
Granted, the problem is the bacon is still on the pig and he is very ticked off as he crashes through your house....

I wish there were 6 more hours in each day, since 24 never seem to be enough...

jubileerocker
03-14-2009, 09:20 PM
Granted, there are now 30 hours in a day, hours now only last 48 minutes. Good luck trying to program the microwave for three hours, hope you're good at math

I wish I knew why my puppy got hurt last night

Ms. Jem
03-16-2009, 10:50 PM
Granted. You know why your puppy got hurt last night and you vow revenge. Here's a special potion to do the deed. Don't tell anyone where you got it, they'll never find me.

I wish we could roll tape back on secret dastardly doings.

LaurieD
03-16-2009, 11:28 PM
Granted! Unfortunately, anything and everything in between secret dastardly doings is also rolled back and recorded over. You are now about 12 years old.

I wish Legos, Kinex, and other itsy bitsy kids toys were easier to pick up

SWickham
03-17-2009, 03:27 AM
Granted, you now have a set of "legos, kinex and other itsy bitsy kids toys" magnetic gloves.

I wish I would stop procrastinating and just write! (wait, have I wished for that before? It must have worn off)

LaurieD
03-17-2009, 03:31 AM
Granted! Your tush is hereby stuck to the chair, the heels of your hands to the wrist support on your keyboard/your desk. The adhesive will wear off when you're able to update your wip ticker by at least 3500 words

I wish I had superpowers

KiwiPhoenix
03-17-2009, 07:11 AM
Granted.
You now have the extraordinary abilities of super-strength and flight, but they only work when nobody's looking.

I wish I knew how to differentiate logarithms. By Wednesday.

Ms. Jem
03-18-2009, 05:21 AM
Granted. You are the master at differentiating those logarithms. You do them in your sleep, you do them in your head on the way to school. In fact, that's all you can do now. Logarithms. Logarithms. Logarithms...

I wish Reeces weren't all in pieces.

Komnena
03-18-2009, 06:58 AM
Granted. They are now microscopic crumbs too small to be seen.
I wish I was in Dublin's fair city.

jubileerocker
03-19-2009, 09:49 AM
Granted. Your computer shuts off for a quick moment. After you freak out and start pressing buttons a woman dressed in green with bright features and curly red hair appears on your screen and starts talking about Dublin. She then takes you through a virtual tour that never ends. You can't even shut it off... stupid cable bill.


I wish my son would sleep

Komnena
03-20-2009, 12:38 AM
Granted. Your son sleeps through all his classes and never graduates.

I wish that darn cat hadn't clawed the screen out.

Ms. Jem
03-20-2009, 05:09 AM
Granted, that darn cat didn't claw the screen out. He's more interested in your brand new leather ottoman, which now resembles one giant shredded wheat.


I wish I spoke French fluently. (I would buy that deep red lipstick I saw yesterday and speak in a sultry accent all day!)

dochas
03-20-2009, 06:21 AM
Granted. You speak perfect French, in fact, nothing but perfect French. However, you've been relocated to Czechoslovakia and no one understands a single word you say.

I wish I could stop procrastinating and get my book finished.

Komnena
03-20-2009, 06:54 AM
You get your book finished. It is a very scholarly analysis of the price of eggs in China.


I wish cats would quit stalking me.

kimmeunier
03-20-2009, 10:02 AM
Granted. Cats no longer stalk you, they just eat you without thinking twice now. Stalking is for weaklings...

I wish I could get a full body massage and a cold bottle of champagne.

alleycat
03-20-2009, 10:18 AM
Granted. Well, kinda. With the economy the way it is, we have had to downgrade you slightly. What you'll actually get is some sparkling grape juice and a vibrator.

I wish I had a rheostat to speed up bad times, and slow down good times.

dochas
03-20-2009, 06:29 PM
Granted. With the current state of the economy, you were about to enter a really bad period in your life. Fast forward to tomorrow, happy birthday. You're turning 65.

I wish my taxes were already filed and I was getting a nice big refund.

LaurieD
03-20-2009, 07:27 PM
Granted! Taxes filed, nice big refund on the way! Unfortunately, before you could cash your check/retrieve your deposit, the government recalls all refunds. Anyone who has redeemed their refund now owes it back. Apparently another major company needs some corporate retreat time bailout assistance.

I wish winter would just leave already and not come back until Christmas

Ms. Jem
03-22-2009, 06:37 AM
Granted. You won't see winter til Christmas, and what a winter it will be. You don't have to worry about re-creating yourself, LaurieD, the snow will take over that process. We'll just call you Snow White for as long as you remain snowed under.


I wish I knew what you did last summer.

dreamsofnever
03-22-2009, 08:24 AM
Granted, but unfortunately it was extremely boring and now you probably wish I didn't spend the last eight hours telling you about it.

I wish I was in Hawaii.

Komnena
03-22-2009, 06:15 PM
Granted. You are on a Hawaiian beach and the weather is perfect. Unfortunately a tsunami is on its way straight to you. Better get to high ground quick.

I wish the cats had not spilled the food.

willfulone
03-23-2009, 05:35 AM
Granted. The cats did not spill the food. They ate it all and went about the house throwing it up all over. They want you to understand they hate that food. Try another? Love Genie

I wish that I were smarter.

Nymtoc
03-23-2009, 07:21 AM
I wish that I were smarter.

Granted.

You are so smart that you show off your intellect all the time. You use big words like "pamprodactylous" and toss in French phrases like "quelle carafe, ce mec!" and recite the poems of Ovid until nobody can stand you. Soon everyone avoids you like the plague, and you are totally alone.

But you're smarter.

:D

I wish I could complete a terrific novel by the end of this year.

jubileerocker
03-23-2009, 11:00 AM
Congrats!!! You completed the best selling book in history and collected royalties up the scale to bust any bank, two bad you were celebrating your success and forgot to pay your taxes those two years and the IRS bankrupted you... do not pass go, do not collect $200 you are now living at the shelter and making friends at the soup kitchen

I wish I could create a good character

Dirtpoor
03-23-2009, 03:56 PM
Granted - your character is so wonderful and captivating that you spend the rest of your life obsessing about him. Real people are now too boring to bother with, so you reject them all till it's just you and your character... together ..... forever....

I wish the grasshopper plague would stop eating my garden.

Ms. Jem
03-25-2009, 04:23 AM
Granted. The grasshopper plague stops eating your garden. Now all you have to worry about are the bee swarms that love those sweet-smelling blooms.

I wish I could live in a perfect world.

LaurieD
03-25-2009, 05:12 AM
Granted - you could live in a perfect world, however you just missed the last bus ever to said perfect world... Too bad

I wish my car actually ran right again

SWickham
03-26-2009, 04:21 AM
Granted! In fact, it runs even better than before.... :)

I wish my cats could clean their own litter box.

Ms. Jem
03-26-2009, 05:31 AM
Granted. Your cats clean up after themselves. They are so proud of their accomplishments they feel almost human and start thinking human. The kitties decide you are neglecting your duties as a responsible pet owner, and put themselves up for adoption.

I wish there was a Belly Dancing for Dummies available at Barnes and Noble.

SWickham
03-27-2009, 03:37 AM
Granted, it is written by a world class Belly Dancer who invites you to contribute.

I wish I could be much more intelligent, clever and witty while participating in the writing games here....

brad_b
03-27-2009, 06:23 AM
granted, and you are so bright, witty, and engaging that the world beats a path to your door... sadly, they knock your door down and invade the kitchen eating all they find.

I wish I had my book edited so the publisher wanted to print it now...

Ms. Jem
03-28-2009, 03:59 AM
Granted. Your book is edited and the publisher wants to print it...in Sanskrit, their native language.


I wish Bill Bailey would come home.

Komnena
03-28-2009, 06:41 AM
Granted. Bill Bailey comes home with an army of stray cats tagging behind him.

I wish I had a pet great white shark.

Fade
03-28-2009, 06:44 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, you trip while you're feeding him and fall into the tank. There is some gore... Hey, at least he's not hungry anymore, right?

I wish all A's on my finals.

brad_b
03-28-2009, 05:24 PM
granted, you have an amazing number of 'A's on your finals, sadly they are part of your teacher's notes to your answers that read, "hahahahahahaha".

I wish I could time travel....

alleycat
03-28-2009, 05:29 PM
Granted. First, close your eyes. Ready? Now wait five minutes, then open your eyes. It will be five minutes later! Pretty amazing, huh?

I wish I could get an extension on the project I've working on (and why I'm in the office on a Saturday morning).

brad_b
03-28-2009, 06:15 PM
poof, you now have an extension on your project, problem is they now could care less about the project and all your hard work will end up in the circular filing cabinet when you submit it. The good part is you now can go golfing on Saturday mornings, though the only course with a decent tee time is in Colorado which is now under snow from the recent blizzard.

I wish I get the bid I'm going on this morning and the small job they want done turns into a bigger project...

slcboston
03-28-2009, 11:45 PM
Granted.

Unfortunately, it's too big. You come in late, overbudget, and with less than ideal results. Which secures you for life with government contracts. The bad news, you ask? Have you *seen* the paperwork that comes with a government job?

I wish we had holographic communicators like in Star Wars.

Fade
03-28-2009, 11:51 PM
Granted. Now, to call someone, we have to lug around big suit cases with all of the material, and a camera to film ourselves, and we can't talk on the subway anymore because everyone would be able to hear your conversation.

I wish I no longer felt the temptation to rewrite my book to make everything perfect, because my novel will never reach perfection.

slcboston
03-29-2009, 12:11 AM
Granted.

You give up your quest for perfection and fall back to the other extreme. On the one hand, you get lauded as the next best thing since E.E. Cummings. On the other hand, grammarians and English teachers everywhere declare a fatwa against you. You're toast in a matter of weeks.

I wish talking on your cellphone on the subway was forbidden.

Ms. Jem
03-29-2009, 02:10 AM
Granted. Cell phone use is forbidden on the subway. Unfortunately, the train you're on stalls, the doors won't open, and you're stuck inside. You're also late for a meeting with a big bucks client, who is even now trying to contact you on your cell phone. Every hot, dirty and tired commuter on that train is watching you. Don't answer that call.


I wish it never rained in Southern California.

Komnena
03-29-2009, 07:42 AM
Granted. It snows instead. But hey, you can have a lot of fun throwing snowballs.

I wish I had a huge Swiss bank account.

slcboston
03-29-2009, 07:48 AM
Granted.

You've forgotten the password. But hey, how hard can it be to guess a random, 16 digig alpha-numeric code? ... In three tries. :D

i wish the crazy people would all go away

KiwiPhoenix
03-29-2009, 08:52 AM
Granted.
There are now no more people.

I wish humans could echolocate.

brad_b
03-29-2009, 08:05 PM
granted, people can now echolocate, the problem is with so many radar beams bouncing around people get confused, cell phones no longer work, and TV and radio signals become lost in the cacophony; the world economy collapses and everyone goes back to the Stone Age. The good thing is we can now hunt rabbits in the dark with spears and rocks.

I wish someone would get me another cup of coffee so I don't have to get up...

Wayne K
03-29-2009, 09:19 PM
I wish someone would get me another cup of coffee so I don't have to get up...

Granted. But it's the person who has been secretly planning to poison you for months.

I wish query letter hell would magically change into query letter heaven.

Ms. Jem
03-31-2009, 06:10 AM
Granted. Query Heaven, it is.

But in name only.

Do you really think J Clarkdawe, Andrew Jameson and their minions would use flowery language like wonderful and marvelous? Sorry, even Genie can't make that happen.


I wish I was in Dixie.

Komnena
03-31-2009, 06:40 AM
Granted. You are on a Mississippi beach and a major hurricane is blowing ashore. Enjoy the sea breeze.

I wish I had $100 in Borders Bucks.

SaraAnn
03-31-2009, 04:29 PM
Granted, but it seems like your stealing and security comes and throws you out, and bans you from all stores worldwide.

I wish I could have more cantalope.

Komnena
03-31-2009, 04:56 PM
Granted. People bring you cantaloupe as gifts every time they pass your house. Your house is stuffed full of cantaloupe. Your yard is stuffed full of cantaloupe and the neighbors are getting tired of storing it for you.

I wish I could travel to Wales.

SaraAnn
03-31-2009, 04:58 PM
Granted, but it ends up in a hard war with each neighboring country, and you're stuck there, absolutely sure you'll be dead or maimed once you come out.

I wish I could meet Stephen King.

dochas
03-31-2009, 05:50 PM
Granted. He invites you to his house for dinner. While you're there, you realize that those stories he writes come not from a creative mind, but from a true sociopath. It's been nice knowing you.

I wish there was no such thing as acne.

XxEvWingsxX
03-31-2009, 06:36 PM
Granted. However you'll have to deal with horribly dry skin for the rest of your life.

I wish I were a Vampire. XD

Ms. Jem
04-01-2009, 12:20 AM
Granted. You are the most feared vampire on campus. As a matter of fact, you are the only vampire on campus and they don't like your kind hanging out at St. Clara's School for Saints. Sure, you might be able fight off five or six pitch-fork wielding young ladies, but the entire student body - including the nuns and their prayers, too? Better get out of town before sunrise.

I wish I had a transporter room and each time I stepped into it, I would be some place far away.

shakeysix
04-01-2009, 01:20 AM
blinka-blinka--there you are. a transporter room all set to transport you to anywhere you desire. just one catch--i ran out of cable for the return trip feature. so you'd better choose well on the first try--s6

wish i had a discombobualtion gun that i could fire at my students. i don't want to hurt them--i just want to daze them into fifteen minutes of silence---s6

LaurieD
04-01-2009, 02:05 AM
Granted - The one and only discombobulation gun in the galaxy is now in your possession. This handy device also stuns them in immobility. See, I'll show you *zappozippo* ...


Ewww, you're drooling!

I wish for fudgey brownies with fudgie frosting. (I'm having chocolate fits)

onestepp
04-01-2009, 04:23 AM
Your wish of fudgy brownies with fudgy frosty but they are located on the moon at the bottom on crater #429 on the dark side of the moon.

Wish to see a rainbow.

SaraAnn
04-01-2009, 05:31 AM
Granted, rainbow seen. In fact, you see the base of the rainbow; pot of gold and everything. Problem is, the leprechans don't like you near their gold... The leprechans have knives.....

I wish I had unlimited money.

Ms. Jem
04-03-2009, 04:52 AM
Granted. However, your unlimited cash is tied up in worthless stocks that are plunging so far down you can't see bottom. Think Wall Street meets China, literally.


I wish things were different.

KiwiPhoenix
04-03-2009, 06:29 AM
Granted!
The world is now engulfed in flames. Worldwide. As in, everything that is capable of burning, is now burning.
Mercifully, all that fire wipes out the world's oxygen supply rather quickly.

I wish people had tougher feet, so we wouldn't ever need shoes.

Komnena
04-07-2009, 06:52 AM
Granted. Everybody wakes up with the hooves of Kabardian horses. All shoe manufacturers and stores go out of business. Many, many jobs are lost.

I wish I had five new shirts.

alanna
04-07-2009, 11:15 AM
Granted. You have five new shirts. One is woven from nettles, one from barbed wire, one from bumble bee stingers, one from rotting fish guts, and one from comfy cotton that has been treated with irremovable itching powder that will never fade or wash away. Enjoy.

I wish that I pass all my classes.

Dirtpoor
04-07-2009, 12:23 PM
Granted: you now continually walk past each of the lectures you are supposed to be attending. You pass them so many times that you never get into the classroom.


I wish chocolate wasn't so delicious.

Snowstorm
04-07-2009, 02:34 PM
Granted. Chocolate now tastes like something else brown. But you're still addicted to it.

I wish winter wasn't nearing its end.

dochas
04-07-2009, 05:54 PM
Granted. An early extended heat wave causes rapid melting of the polar ice caps, disrupting the North Atlantic Current, and triggering a real-life ice age as depicted in "The Day After Tomorrow." Winter has now been extended indefinitely.

I wish there was no such thing as mid-life crisis.

slcboston
04-07-2009, 11:23 PM
Granted.

It now occurs in your twenties, is much more existential, and does not involve a sports car. All of which makes it much more difficult to bear.

I wish I could get rid of this cold.

LaurieD
04-07-2009, 11:28 PM
Granted. You are out of this cold and are now in my cold(slightly less cold, yet deceiving because it looks abotu 70 outside, so everytime you step outside, it's a fresh insult.) You're welcome!

I wish I had time to keep up with what I need to get done every day.

SWickham
04-09-2009, 03:55 AM
Granted, you now have a butler to answer the door, phone and email, a chef for all meals, a maid to clean, a tutor for the kids homework, a chauffeur for all family members, a gardener for the yard, a zookeeper for the pets....but now you're so busy dodging staff you may find it hard to get anything else done!

I wish my two cats would get along!

Ms. Jem
04-09-2009, 04:24 AM
Granted. Your two cats get along just fine. They produce six-kitten litters every four months.


I wish Steven Spielberg would make Monsters vs. AIG.
(I'd go see that one.)

LaurieD
04-09-2009, 04:31 AM
Ms. Jem wishes for a wish

Granted! 1 wish for absolutely anything you want, whenever you want. It expires on your next inhale after you make your wish though. As long as you don't breathe, you can have whatever you want!

I wish the effects of 8 hours of sleep could be found in chocolate.

Dirtpoor
04-09-2009, 06:53 AM
Granted: But you have to eat the whole box, now everyone is rested and perky, but very, very fat.


I wish all telemarketers would lose their voice.

slcboston
04-11-2009, 12:40 AM
Granted.

Now when they call you they use that computerized voice software... only it comes out twice as loud and because they no longer get sore throats, they call twice as often.

I wish I could hurl thunderbolts like Zeus and smote the unworthy.

KiwiPhoenix
04-11-2009, 10:02 AM
Granted.
Alas, we are all unworthy, for perfection is a myth. Soon, humanity has been utterly erased by your divine justice, and the world is a very, very lonely place.

I wish I had a steady income.

Ms. Jem
04-15-2009, 05:36 AM
Granted. However, steady is 'subjective.' You are paid every quarter, about a quarter. Due to our economy, that's about how much a dollar is worth now.

I wish money grew on trees.

Dirtpoor
04-15-2009, 11:37 AM
Granted. But now hyper-inflation has taken hold and you spend all day harvesting $ for the $2,000,000,000 needed to purchase a cup of coffee.

I wish teenagers would complete their chores willingly when asked, without complaining.

Snowstorm
04-15-2009, 04:29 PM
Granted. But did you want the litter box washed or the clothes tossed out?

I wish the baby bunnies and ground squirrels were out and about playing in the yard.

dochas
04-16-2009, 11:24 PM
Granted. The baby bunnies and ground squirrels are out in force, and there are so many of them, there's not much room for anything else, and they begin to have a turf war. Now, despite the beautiful weather, you have to keep all your windows closed to muffle the noise of shrieking bunnies and snarling squirrels.

I wish my headache would go away.

Komnena
04-17-2009, 06:46 AM
Granted. Your headache is chased away by Martian Madness Fever which the doctors have no cure for.

I wish there was no such thing as a Wpentrust signed file.

Ms. Jem
04-17-2009, 10:34 PM
Granted. There is no such thing as a Wpentrust doc. However, now that it is gone, so is microsoft works...and your old computer...and your even older files...and your ancient manuscripts that you were going to spruce up for querying.


I wish my daddy owned a publishing company.

Snowstorm
04-18-2009, 03:19 AM
Granted. But because your daddy is such a great publisher, he's able to ferret out the best in the writing world. Unfortunately, he has such high standards, he's forced to tell you your writing doesn't cut it.

I wish I had a perfect recipe for chocolate cake.

Dirtpoor
04-18-2009, 07:41 AM
Granted. But the ingredients are so rare and expensive that you will spend your entire life slaving for money and yet never be able to afford to make it.



I wish I could fly.

Komnena
04-18-2009, 08:27 AM
Granted. Unfortunately your ears are now huge and you are shunned as a freak. But don't worry. A jolly elf at the North Pole has become aware of your abilities.

I wish I had a ride on the first commercial moon rocket.

midknighthaze
04-18-2009, 08:27 AM
Granted! Now you keep flying and flying 'as your lungs lose air as you ascend past the ozone layer, out of earth and beyond the beyond. If only you had some cinders to your ankles.

I wish I had my dream boyfriend- who is my age, in my zip code, rich, funny,smart,good-looking and talented. Watcha!*imaginary whip*

Komnena
04-19-2009, 03:05 AM
Granted.Unfortunately he's also a shapechanging snake.

I wish a neighborhood store sold horehound candy.

Snowstorm
04-19-2009, 05:42 PM
Granted. You just have to get beyond that the candy is really old since few people nowadays even know what horehound candy is, and the store's stock is about thirty years old.

I wish there was something interesting on satellite TV besides reruns I've seen 2 ... or 20 times already.

Nymtoc
04-19-2009, 11:17 PM
I wish there was something interesting on satellite TV besides reruns I've seen 2 ... or 20 times already.


Granted.

Trigonometric Functions and Identities, a three-hour film from the Educational Advanced University Scientific Curriculum is on satellite TV, and since you've never seen it, you'll be happy to learn that it will air 500 times over the next month.

:D

I wish good weather would continue till the end of the year.

Dirtpoor
04-20-2009, 08:34 AM
Granted. Unfortunately all the crops have failed due to lack of rain: food is now scarce so you are hungry. Water restrictions prevent you from showering more than once per week or filling your pool, so you have nowhere to cool off or relax in the sunshine: you are hot and smelly. Too much sunshine has faded your car's duco, your house's exterior paintwork and your hair is dry, bleached and you suffer 'hat hair' a lot. Enjoy your 'good' weather.


I wish it would rain.

slcboston
04-20-2009, 09:03 AM
Granted.

It rains. And rains. And rains. ... You know how long a cubit is, right?

I wish I could get paid without having to drag the lawyers into it.

lmz
04-21-2009, 09:13 AM
Granted. But since you didn't specify which type of payment you'd prefer, you're getting paid in cotton balls. Lots and lots of cotton balls.

I wish every patient that walked into the dental office flossed their teeth every day.

Komnena
04-22-2009, 07:07 PM
Granted. Their teeth are so clean that dentists began losing money. It becomes harder and harder to schedule appointments.

I wish I had a Breyer model of Dan Patch.

ad_lucem
04-22-2009, 08:35 PM
Granted. Regrettably, not knowing what a Breyer is, I, your evil genie, decided you must have meant Briery. Therefore, I have supplied you with a 6ft tall model of a hobo named Dan "Patch" Zedner made entirely out of briers.

I wish Mondays didn't exist.

slcboston
04-23-2009, 12:05 AM
Granted.

The week now has only six days, and you go straight from Sunday to Tuesday. However, not willing to forgo the forty hour work week, you now are given two choices: you give up Saturday, or work ten hour days. And no, the amount and size of your break time does not expand to reflect the extra two hours you are now on the job each day.

I wish the words were flowing better.

Komnena
04-26-2009, 06:43 AM
Granted. They are flowing all through your basement and are heading up your stairs. And they are not nice words. You might consider evacuating promptly.

I wish I had a phouka friend.

lmz
04-26-2009, 06:48 PM
Granted. But since you told me this in person, and didn't write it down, I'm assuming you have a strange accent and you meant a "friend with benefits". Now you have a gorgeous, testerone-filled, sex-addict stalking you who won't take no for an answer.

I wish I lived somewhere where it's warm and sunny every day. (Pretty much walked right into this one, I know.)

Komnena
04-26-2009, 09:06 PM
Granted. You now live in Death Valley. Better make sure you keep those water deliveries coming on pain of death.

I wish I had an idea about who was going to win the Derby.

Ms. Jem
04-27-2009, 01:21 AM
Granted. You have an idea who's going to win the Derby and now do your best to sabotage the winning stallion. You're caught red-handed, but hey, at least you have your 5 minutes of fame on the six o'clock news.

I wish I didn't have to cook today.

lmz
04-27-2009, 01:45 AM
Granted. Your children decide to help you out in the kitchen. You now have spaghetti sauce and meatballs covering the ceiling and noodles clinging to the walls.

I wish I was ten pounds lighter.

Dirtpoor
04-27-2009, 03:05 AM
Granted. Unfortunately it has all come off your breasts, brain and feet. You are now flat chested and fall down a lot. But you are too stupid to care.


I wish my sick chook would either get better or die.

KiwiPhoenix
04-27-2009, 09:31 AM
Granted. The poor thing's dead. Along with every other bird in the region.
The diagnosis: avian flu. Yes, it's mutated again. And this time... it's out for blood!
Naturally, this strain can spread to humans.
I hope you have a Bio-hazard suit handy.

I wish the governments of the world would get their hands out of the corporations' pockets and at least make an attempt at environmentalism.

ad_lucem
04-27-2009, 01:46 PM
Congratulations! You are now the proud citizen of a environmentally-conscious dictatorship. The leaders of the new regime have taken many notes from the likes of Paul Erlich and Thomas Malthus, and have decided only about 2% of the human population is desirable for the optimum health of the planet. Naturally, all high-ranking officials fall well within the bounds of the 2% mentioned. Sadly, you do not. But, take heart, this is but a small price to pay for the well-being of the biosphere. You can die peacefully through state-funded euthanasia, drifting off into permanent slumber as you envision frolicking penguins and polar bears.

I wish I would stop seeing so much about the next flu pandemic in the news. It's giving me nightmares.

Nymtoc
04-27-2009, 04:41 PM
I wish I would stop seeing so much about the next flu pandemic in the news. It's giving me nightmares.

Granted.

The media no longer reports on the latest flu outbreak. As a result, nobody takes precautions. People cough all over each other, and the disease spreads rapidly through the world. Your neighbors are dropping like flies, and you're beginning to wonder why your sore throat is getting worse.

:eek:

I wish I were a famous athlete.

Dirtpoor
04-28-2009, 04:23 AM
Granted. Your head gets bigger as your brain and other walnutty organs get smaller (due to those off season err ... vitamins). Eventually your whole life goes to pot.


I wish the supermarket still made home deliveries.

ad_lucem
04-28-2009, 04:52 AM
Granted. Regrettably, they only deliver the store brand items which have been tainted by the factory in China. You die a quiet death at home, only to be found weeks later when your delivery boy notices a pungent odor eeking out from behind the door.

I wish I really could know it all.

lmz
04-28-2009, 05:03 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, you like to tell everyone you know everything, and so you're soon left with no friends, and only yourself to talk to, who is, as well, a know-it-all.

I wish every seriously, disgustingly sick-minded person in the world would die a slow death, and no more were born.

Komnena
04-28-2009, 07:27 AM
Granted. Welcome to life after people.

I wish I knew the name of the next Triple Crown winner.

dochas
04-28-2009, 09:23 PM
Granted. However, before you had a chance to place a bet on the first race, the mafia found out your secret and now has plans to keep you locked up in a series of disgusting seedy motels between Churchhill Downs and Belmont Park over the next two months, at which time, if your prediction turns out to be wrong, they'll be fitting you with cement shoes and sending you for a swim in the New York Harbor. If you're right, you still get to take a swim because you work for the IRS and might report their winnings.

I wish I could afford a pair of MBT walking shoes.

Ms. Jem
04-28-2009, 09:26 PM
Granted. However, the name of the Triple Crown winner is unsuitable for public enunciation (the owner has a sick sense of humor.) You will be a social pariah if you hang out that celebration banner it took you all night to make.


I wish for a two chapter edit today.

Ms. Jem
04-28-2009, 09:28 PM
Granted. However, before you had a chance to place a bet, the mafia found out your secret and now have you locked in a seedy motel room 30 miles from the track. If your prediction turns out to be wrong, they'll be fitting you with cement shoes and sending you for a swim in the Ohio River. If you're right, you still get to take a swim because you work for the IRS and might report their winnings.

I wish I could afford a pair of MBT walking shoes.

Sorry dochas, I fell over your post.

Granted. You can afford those walking shoes, you just have to skip dinner for a week.


I still wish for a two-chapter edit today.

ad_lucem
04-28-2009, 11:35 PM
Granted. Unfortunately the edit is completed by an unmedicated individual with a thoroughly disorganized mind who claims to be the Great Ubzonkin of the Urtz Galaxy. He edits your work by cutting out each individual word, throwing it into the air, and catching it on glue-covered paper. When you protest, he threatens to have you killed by an interstellar guard which he says he has at his beck and call. The Great Ubzonkin of Urtz then disappears into the piney woods, whooping like a derranged monkey on methanphetamines.

You quietly vow to keep your doors locked tight and never sleep again.


I wish I had a working organic farm.

Dirtpoor
04-29-2009, 03:37 AM
Granted. However, you are now a social boor because you constantly smell 'earthy', your fingernails are always full of dirt, your back is in constant pain from planting, hoeing and weeding. Your conversations are all about your latest pest or disease issues; the weather, and paranoia about what chemicals the neighbours are using ... oh wait, that's my life.


I wish I had a maid.

Ludka
04-29-2009, 03:40 AM
Granted, but she accuses you of touching her butt when all you were really trying to do was get the gummy Mona Lisa stuck to her pants. You get the world to hate you for being a sexual harasser, and you don't even get to eat the sweet sweet gummy.

I wish I had my own personal tropical island.

ad_lucem
04-29-2009, 10:03 PM
Granted. However, the reason for your placement on the island is actually an extreme quarantine measure (ever seen the movie 28 Days Later? Yeah, like that). Having your own island is, nevertheless, enjoyable for the first day or so before you become a rabid, mindless, flesh-eating zombie.

I wish money didn't exist.

Ms. Jem
04-29-2009, 10:14 PM
Granted. Money does not exist. The world is run on a barter system: your finger for a new pair of shoes, your arm for new curtains...


I wish you the very best time of your life.

shakeysix
04-30-2009, 01:10 AM
that would be summer 1968. i'm hitch hiking to chicago for the democratic national convention. once we get mcgovern elected everything will be better--s6


wish i could find a market for old love beads and peace patches

Dirtpoor
04-30-2009, 02:31 AM
Granted. The CIA is very interested in your beads and peace patches to use in a cruel new torture game where they CENSORED DUE TO NATIONAL SECURITY CLASSIFICATION and WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD AND SENSE OF MORAL SUPERIORITY. Do you still want to make the sale?


I wish I could find some mushrooms to go with dinner tonight.

Nymtoc
04-30-2009, 03:09 AM
I wish I could find some mushrooms to go with dinner tonight.

Granted.

[Oh, you're just asking for it.] You have gone into the woods and collected six beautiful Amanitas and a False Morel. You take them home and make them part of your dinner, and since these are very poisonous fungi, you and your guests all die. However, you also picked a few Panaeolus Cyanescens, a strongly hallucinogenic mushroom, so at least you have psychedelic experiences as you croak.

:ROFL:

I wish I could think of a way to set up a website that would make me lots of money.

Komnena
04-30-2009, 06:54 AM
Granted. Your new website prints out money every few seconds. Unfortunately it is all counterfeit and in large bills.
Good luck not getting arrested.
I wish I owned Azul Island.

Dirtpoor
05-01-2009, 03:55 AM
Granted. Your new island has been world heritage listed as a haven for the rare but vicious snapping brown sea turtle, a creature that has been known to delimb the unwary. You don’t dare go near that beautiful white beach and warm, sapphire waters glistening so invitingly in the tropical sunshine.


I wish I was twenty-five again.

Nymtoc
05-01-2009, 10:33 PM
I wish I was twenty-five again.

Granted.

You are 25 days old again. You pule and puke and pee in your crib. You look up at those strange, big faces looking down at you and don't have a clue what they mean when they say, "Isn't she adorable?"

:roll:

I wish I had already published a dozen prize-winning books.

som1luvsmi
05-01-2009, 10:47 PM
I wish I had already published a dozen prize-winning books.

Granted. But your series of books on winning prizes doesn't work when put to the test. Angry mobs come looking for you seeking refunds and retribution. Someone seems to have sold them their book of How to Tar and Feather Authors Who Write Useless Books. You wish that you could have written that book, while you hide in the corner of your basement.

I wish I could go on a vacation.

Dirtpoor
05-02-2009, 04:54 AM
Granted. Your indefinite 'vacation' starts Monday. The redundancy notices were delivered today. Your accommodation will be the bus shelter near the park, it's a real wild night life adventure after 9pm. Meals are 24/7 buffet style - just pick a bin. Lots of 'interesting ' new people to meet - enjoy.


I wish for a new car.

Ms. Jem
05-02-2009, 10:50 PM
Granted. Take your pick of whatever strikes your fancy in Chrysler's junk heap.


I wish Hugh Jackman would do Dancing with the Stars.

slcboston
05-02-2009, 11:16 PM
Granted.

He's terrible. Publicly humiliates himself sufficiently to end his acting career. Retires out of the limelight to a sheep ranch in Australia and is never heard from again.

I wish my employers didn't leave everything to the last minute when they give me assignments. (That, after all, is my job.)

Nymtoc
05-02-2009, 11:41 PM
I wish my employers didn't leave everything to the last minute when they give me assignments. (That, after all, is my job.)

Granted.

Your employers give you all details well in advance. From that point, they check on you every ten minutes (for the first three days), then every five minutes (for the next two days), then every minute (during the next-to-last day), then every ten seconds (on the final day). You do successfully complete your assignments, but after two such experiences, men in white coats come and escort you to a quiet place in the country, where you spend the rest of your life doing macramé.

:snoopy:

I wish I were as clever as Charles M. Schulz.

slcboston
05-03-2009, 12:09 AM
But I like the countryside. :D

Granted.

You're as clever as a dead man, but at least you smell better.

I wish this assignment was a bit clearer...

Komnena
05-03-2009, 02:29 AM
Granted. It is made quite clear to you that you are to solve Fermat's Theorem.

I wish I had a Dodge Studebaker.

Dirtpoor
05-03-2009, 09:40 AM
Granted. Your Dodge came from the impound lot of the Chicago Police Dpt. Said to be haunted by the ghosts of the hit victims who were transported in it before disposal by their gangster assassins. The engine fires off like gunshots, the brake scream like the damned and the whistling wind howls beseechingly through the grill.


I wish our budgie would talk.

bettielee
05-03-2009, 11:03 AM
Granted. All it says are four letter words. In front of your in laws. And young children. And the parents of the young children.

I wish I didn't have to shave.

Ms. Jem
05-05-2009, 11:34 PM
Granted. You never shave again. Nobody at work recognizes you and your cousin takes great pleasure in calling you Cousin It.


I wish snowglobe villages were real.

Komnena
05-06-2009, 06:53 AM
Granted. You live in one. Earthquakes and constant winter are never-ending.


I wish to see a Triple Crown winner this year.

Nymtoc
05-06-2009, 08:06 AM
I wish to see a Triple Crown winner this year.

Granted

Jumping frog contests will be held in Tonopah, NV, in May; Osceola, AR, in early June; and Soda Springs, ID, in late June. Squimwitch, owned by Cyrus T. Humburger, will win all three (after which he will be put out to stud).
:ROFL:

I wish I could become a "strategist" for some political party (doesn't matter which one) and make lots of money on TV.

ad_lucem
05-06-2009, 08:17 AM
Granted, but you have to look and act like Karl Rove. Plus, you must have a nickname worse than Turd Blossom. (Which consequently, is so foul I can't mention it here...)

I wish I could drink like a fish.

bettielee
05-06-2009, 10:27 AM
Granted. Of course... fish pee in water. 'nuff said.

I wish I could change the path of my life.

Dirtpoor
05-06-2009, 05:23 PM
Granted. Hope you have your hiking boots on and a loyal Sherpa to take along.


I wish for a never emptying packet of tim tams.

Komnena
05-06-2009, 05:41 PM
Granted. An endless stream of little foal Tim Tams emerges from your packet and cavort across your yard. No more grass and a very dirty yard.

I wish I read faster.

ad_lucem
05-06-2009, 06:01 PM
Granted, you blaze a trail through all the greatest works ever written in the space of a week. After this time, you consequently know more about the human condition than you ever even wanted. Left with this newfound understanding and nothing to read but works of mass-market fiction, you fall into a deep depression and finally die of ennui.

I wish I knew the meaning of life, the universe, and everything.

Komnena
05-06-2009, 06:36 PM
Granted. Life, the universe and everything exist for the benefit of 42 cats.

I wish I owned a flying horse.

sevenst
05-06-2009, 08:49 PM
I wish i have a country https://www.revenuecents.com/upload/68/1239617216/random.gif

shakeysix
05-06-2009, 09:43 PM
okay, kommie. you have a flying horse. unfortunately obama has just passed a law that all pet owners are responsible for cleaning up their pet's messes.


i wish i had a wet bar in my classroom--ss

shakeysix
05-06-2009, 09:46 PM
oh, and sevenst, you now have a country. unfortunately it is directly under komnena's flying horse--s6


see above for my wish

ad_lucem
05-07-2009, 01:12 AM
Granted, however, out of jealousy, parents of children in your classes have started a smear campaign against you suggesting you installed the wet bar to breed a new generation of alcoholic politicians. A veritable witch hunt has grown up out of their efforts and, now, all teachers, professors, and tutors are barred from being within 3 ft of any alcoholic beverage.

On the bright side, you did get your 15 minutes of fame when forced onto the Nancy Grace show for a beating...errrr...interview...during which time you offered up a rejoinder which actually, physically caused Ms. Grace's tongue to tie itself into a Gordian knot, killing her on the spot--followed by much rejoicing, and the freeing of many enslaved air sprites she had captured and enchanted to do her evil bidding. Your name will be remembered by them when humans are the subject of fairytales as the Great Liberator of Air Faeriekind.

I wish flatulence smelled like roses.

Dirtpoor
05-07-2009, 03:46 AM
Granted. Only now flatulence is emitted with a fortissimo rendition of 'Fleur de Lys', and the renderer is compelled to gracefully pirouette and prance about amidst the floral reek.


I wish my winter vegetables would all plant themselves.

Komnena
05-07-2009, 06:52 AM
Granted. Unfortunately they are sea vegetables because the sea has risen over your property.

I wish I could take a cruise on the Delta Queen.

Ms. Jem
05-08-2009, 05:28 AM
Granted. Your cruise on the Delta Queen passes near Somalia, aka Pirate Haven, where you become a bargaining chip.


I wish I knew exactly what to write to make my book purrrfect!

Komnena
05-08-2009, 06:05 AM
Granted. You can now write only in cat language but your writing is purrrfect.

I wish there were killer whales in the Ohio River.

ad_lucem
05-08-2009, 07:56 AM
Granted, however, now Ohio is entirely free of fly fishermen.

I wish I could spend every day street painting.

dochas
05-08-2009, 11:11 PM
Granted. You've been fired from your job and your house burned down, and the only thing you were able to escape with was the clothes on your back and your box of paints.

I wish my son's puberty phase did not involve multiple episodes of stomping and slamming of floors and doors.

ad_lucem
05-09-2009, 03:04 AM
Granted, however, his new phase includes pressing flowers, wearing frilly pink frocks, and singing showtunes in the evening under the name "Lulu the Great".

I wish chocolate wasn't fattening and doctors recommended 8 glasses of cherry soda per day rather than water.

Komnena
05-09-2009, 08:38 AM
Granted. Chocolate causes you to lose weight. You lose so much the doctors recommend massive doses of cherry soda to keep your weight up.


I wish the culled books would take themselves to the thrift store.

alanna
05-09-2009, 08:57 AM
wish granted. The culled books all walk on their covers to the thrift store. along the way, they stop at the library, where they convince almost every book to get up off the shelves and start a war against hollywood for crimes of slander and misrepresentation. the only book anyone can check out from the library is an old, faded copy of the american heritage dictionary, whose covers were too old and weak to walk upon.

I wish that I were excited about graduating from college.

bettielee
05-09-2009, 10:33 AM
Granted. You are excited about graduating from college. You go on a month long bender, only to wake up and discover you have started celebrating early, you are not actually graduated yet and there is a note on your door about going to see the dean. There are no smiley faces on this note.

I wish my wings would grow larger.

Dirtpoor
05-09-2009, 02:13 PM
Granted. Oops, sorry but the rest of you actually shrunk. The ratio is now as you wish it, but people keep swatting at you and chasing you with cans of bug spray.


I wish for a day of no interruptions

Ms. Jem
05-09-2009, 09:54 PM
Granted. Here's your day of no interruptions. Now, if you could just concentrate...

Dirtpoor
05-11-2009, 10:06 AM
Granted; you have nothing you could ever wish for.


I wish the government would send me some more free stimulus money.

ad_lucem
05-11-2009, 07:58 PM
Granted. The government sends you money in a check marked "stimulus". Now, the money will be deducted from any future tax refunds, thus eliminating your refund and leaving you owing the government. Additionally, all interest accrued on the money will be compounded daily until your children reach the age of majority, at which point they, and their children (and their children's children) will be considered "responisble parties" subject to repayment of your "stimulus" monies.

But, don't let that bother you. Go ahead and spend it on something to pamper yourself. You might as well do it now. Your kids will be so busy repaying your debt, they'll never be able to care for you in your old age (and social security will have been tossed out as a silly, antiquated "entitlement" program by the time you reach retirement age). So, you have a rough road ahead.

Perhaps you'd better just spend the money on booze. Not to drink, but to barter when your paper money has become worthless....

Good luck!


I wish I was a year younger today rather than a year older.

Ms. Jem
05-12-2009, 11:19 PM
Granted!
(Happy B-day!)

So, you are 27, 26, 25...but you will have to live each of those years over. Can you imagine going back to diapers?


I wish for a 4-day work week as in Europe.

Komnena
05-13-2009, 01:37 AM
Granted. Unfortunately your four-day week is at the circus, cleaning up after the elephants.

I wish the cats had not spilled their food all over the floor.

ad_lucem
05-13-2009, 02:11 AM
Granted. The cats are now anthropomorphized versions of their former selves: they speak, they clean, and they criticize. Chiefly, they criticize your house keeping and cooking. One of them also has taken it into his fuzzy little brain that he is an intellectual of some degree and won't shut up about the existential quandry in which he finds himself. And though you've never harmed an animal in your life, you have vowed to kill the little pain in the arse if he ever utters the word "Kafkaesque" again in your presence.

I wish summer in Arizona was about 30 degrees cooler (Fahrenheit).

Dirtpoor
05-14-2009, 11:27 AM
Granted. Accelerated continental drift has pushed Arizona up to the latitude 56.5’ North - where Washington state is now. Hope you have an umbrella and galoshes on hand at all times.


I wish I could improve my memory.

Nymtoc
05-14-2009, 04:53 PM
I wish I could improve my memory.

Granted

You can remember millions of things you could not remember before. You can remember what you had for breakfast on February 3, 1994. You can remember every word of a newspaper article you read on September 4, 2001. However, your head is so full of trivial details that you can't remember important things like where you put your glasses, where you parked your car, or--unfortunately--where you live.

:D

I wish I had a Rolls-Royce.

Ms. Jem
05-14-2009, 09:19 PM
Granted. You have the coolest Rolls-Royce in Prohibition Era Chicago. Enjoy the ride while you last, Al Capone!


I wish folks would act right.

ad_lucem
05-15-2009, 04:17 AM
Granted. A new world government is put in place and issues mandatory medicating of the public drinking water in addition to constant 24 hour surveillance. Welcome to hell as invisioned by both Orwell and Huxley.

I wish I didn't need to drink coffee in the morning.

Dirtpoor
05-17-2009, 05:25 AM
Granted. Your caffeine addiction is gone. But now you are completely fuzzy headed and unintelligible in the morning - until someone pours an icy cold bucket of water over you.



I wish old people weren’t so crotchety.

dochas
05-18-2009, 11:20 PM
Granted. Old people are now all like your great Aunt Lilah - constantly telling you you're too skinny and inundating you with cookies, cakes, and tuna casserole with extra cheese, and asking why you aren't married yet because you have such a cute face, and oh by the way, their bridge/bingo/checkers partner has a son/grandson/nephew who'd be just PERFECT for you.


I wish I could find a LEGAL work-at-home job that paid as much as my current job.

bettielee
05-20-2009, 12:40 PM
Granted. You are now a prostitute in Nevada.

I wish all the celebrity gossip places would go away.

Dirtpoor
05-21-2009, 03:35 AM
Granted. It is so 'yesterday' to speak of celebrities and nobody is interested in them anymore. What a shame no one wants to interview you or talk to you about your amazing new novel.


I wish this lovely weather and my day off would never end.

Rebekah7
05-21-2009, 11:28 AM
Granted, but your day off never ends because your job has been outsourced to Mongolia.

I wish that I got paid every time I took a step.

slcboston
05-21-2009, 08:55 PM
Granted.

You've now been turned into a slug, which technically means you'll never take another step again. But when you do, you'll get paid.

I wish I had my own space.

Ms. Jem
05-22-2009, 03:44 AM
Granted. There is a My Space page dedicated to you. Your fans have decorated it with various mementos: the last Dear John letter you received from the last girl you dated,
your test grades on the entrance exam to the university you didn't get into...I'll stop there.

I wish for five more hours to this day!

Kaiser-Kun
05-22-2009, 04:09 AM
Granted. Now the day is 29 hours long. Which means that the little gnomes who work everyday inside the clocks now have another reason to hate us. They're organizing a syndicate now.

I wish Santa could come every other friday!

bettielee
05-22-2009, 11:20 AM
Gnomes... shudder

Granted. You were a bad boy this year. You get a lump of coal every friday.

I wish I could go watch all the movies I want to

slcboston
05-23-2009, 12:35 AM
Granted.

You can watch all the movies you want, whenever you want, wherever you want. You just can't *hear* them. No popcorn, either. :popcorn:

I wish this cold would leave me alone.

Dirtpoor
05-23-2009, 04:27 AM
Granted. You are now totally un-cool and lonely (what a funny thing to wish for).

I wish I could sing without scaring the children and animals.

ad_lucem
05-23-2009, 06:05 AM
Granted. You are now the choir director of the Indiana School for the Deaf's 4H club. No one can hear you, but you are loved for your comical facial expressions and enthusiasm.

I wish I knew what to wish for!

bettielee
05-23-2009, 06:08 AM
Granted. You with for a thousand million wishes and they all come true. With very unexpected, disappointing outcomes. You should have wished for a monkey's paw, cuz then you would have 5 wishes granted and 5 sucky outcomes.

Oh my gosh. We should rename this thread.

sorry - off topic

I wish I could rename this thread.

ad_lucem
05-23-2009, 06:56 AM
Granted. You rename it η γεννήτρια παιχνιδιών επιθυμίας , but no one knows what the hell you are talking about. The ones who do, post, but leave the rest of us thoroughly vexed. Good job!

I wish I had a talking fish.

EFCollins
05-23-2009, 07:35 AM
(This thread is so funny... me and my kids play this game too)

Granted. You now have a talking goldfish. It's just too bad that your fish is constantly harping on you, yelling about the inconsistent temperature of the water it lives in, demanding fresh food and repeating it's self every three seconds because, as we all know, goldfish have three second memories.

I wish I had a clue.

ad_lucem
05-23-2009, 08:03 AM
Granted. Your clue gives you insight into life, the universe, and everything. Yet, no one listens to you because the truth of the whole thing is really very simple and beautiful. Everyone was expecting something much more complex. *sigh*

I wish my dogs could cook.

alleycat
05-23-2009, 08:08 AM
Granted. For dinner tomorrow would you like Meat Byproduct Surprise or Raw Squirrel with Gravy?


I wish I had a peach pie.

EFCollins
05-23-2009, 08:14 AM
Granted. You now have a peach pie from Little Debbie (enough said).

I wish I had four more arms.

bettielee
05-24-2009, 11:20 AM
Granted. You have four more arms. Now all the people of India worship you and pelt you with prayers. What country has the most people? China. What country has the 2nd most people? India.

I wish I had a little Victorian house and them money to fix it up.

alleycat
05-24-2009, 03:18 PM
Granted. Toys R Us has a pretty little Victorian house that would be perfect for a little fairy. Do you want the optional plastic garden too?


I wish I could stay home today and not entertain out-of-town family.

EFCollins
05-24-2009, 11:31 PM
Granted. You can stay home today, but you have a ton of unfinished housework that you now feel compelled to do.

I wish I had a cookie.

Dirtpoor
05-25-2009, 03:44 AM
Granted. Your new cookie allows all of the wacko websites to download their most offensive, virulent chatter directly onto your desktop.


I wish my head cold would disappear.

Nymtoc
05-25-2009, 04:00 AM
I wish my head cold would disappear.

Granted

Your head cold has disappeared, because the bug has moved downward and infected the rest of your body, and now you are coughing incessantly and feeling sharp pains in your belly and running to the bathroom every two minutes. But cheer up. It will only last a week.

:D

I wish I could dream the plot of a good novel and wake up and write the book.

ad_lucem
05-25-2009, 04:13 AM
Granted. You can and you do-day after day for two weeks. To finish each book in a days time you cease eating, sleeping, and drinking. In 14 days you have written some of the greatest works the world has ever known. Sadly, you are also dead. Dead as a door nail from a combination of sleep deprivation, dehydration, and starvation.

The cops find your corpse after the landlady notices your rent check is 30 days late. Your dog, an Alsation, is found dead with you--as you were too skinny and non-nourishing to eat--even for survival purposes.

The books are great, though. And your case and your books are used for the purpose of study in both the english and psychology departments.

:D

I wish the work-week was only 4 days long every week!

creamofmushroom
05-25-2009, 05:32 AM
Granted.
The 7 day week is shortened to only 4 days. Now, you don't have weekends anymore.

I wish that my evening dishes would clean themselves.

bettielee
05-25-2009, 12:44 PM
Granted. They clean themselves, and put themselves away too, and you can never find them again.

i wish I had a pet dragon.

Dirtpoor
05-26-2009, 03:23 AM
Granted. Unlike Hagrid you did not know when to quit, it shed scales all over as it grew, refused outright to use the litter tray and, obviously, your house burned down when it sneezed.

I wish feigned insanity was not such a tempting cop-out.

Komnena
05-26-2009, 08:09 AM
Granted. All people claiming insanity are put in time machines and sent to random historic periods. They utterly ruin history and now we live in a world where the Vikings still raid, only now they have sonar and a large GPS collection.
I wish I had a Heath Crunch bar.

apinnadeacacia
05-26-2009, 08:17 AM
Granted. Fresh from my back pants' pocket. Hope you like it warm!

I wish I could have Matthew Bellamy's children.

Nymtoc
05-26-2009, 09:33 PM
I wish I could have Matthew Bellamy's children.

Granted

You can have them for ten hours a week, as his babysitter. However, you will not meet him, since the arrangement will be made through an employment service.

:tongue

I wish I could find the goose that lays the golden eggs.

Woof
05-26-2009, 10:32 PM
I wish I could find the goose that lays the golden eggs.


Granted. You have found and now possess the goose that lays the golden eggs. That goose also happens to be very protective of her eggs, as well as having a particularly ferocious demeanor. So, you have golden eggs stacked to the ceiling, but you also have arms that have been bitten off at the elbow and a pair of hollow sockets that used to be eyes before they were pecked out.


I wish that the Patch Perfect grass seeds that I bought online would actually work and grow into something resembling a blade of grass.

Nymtoc
05-26-2009, 10:39 PM
I wish that the Patch Perfect grass seeds that I bought online would actually work and grow into something resembling a blade of grass.

Granted

The seeds will grow, and soon there will be something resembling a blade of grass growing in your yard. Before long, however, that "something" will begin to sprout weird-looking pods, and when you approach them they will open and reveal rows of teeth, and you will hear the words, "Feed me!" It will be only a matter of time before you will go down in history as the guy who runs the Little Shop of :eek:.

I wish I had an Olympic gold medal.

ad_lucem
05-26-2009, 11:13 PM
Granted. An Olympic gold medal and some illicit drugs mysteriously appear in your suitcase just as you are leaving China. The police catch up with you and charge you with theft. You are sentenced to life in prison.

I wish everything made good logical sense.

Woof
05-26-2009, 11:19 PM
I wish everything made good logical sense.

Granted. Everything makes good logical sense. All debate is reduced to mathematical certainty, there is no mystery left in the universe and you die of boredom.


I wish that all government offices were painted in psychedelic colors.

Dirtpoor
05-27-2009, 10:34 AM
Granted. Unfortunately all of the government workers are badly affected. Instead of just enforcing draconian, retrospective, invasive laws, they now do so with garish, discordant abandon. All paperwork is fluro green with yellow ink - completely unreadable, all permits are granted - the circus is allowed to camp in your neighbours yard; lions, elephants and all.


I wish men were as good as their word.

Rebekah7
05-27-2009, 10:53 AM
Granted, but now all words are bad.

I wish that I had a new car.

Nymtoc
05-27-2009, 10:09 PM
I wish that I had a new car.

Granted.

It is a freight car, originally used on the Heber Valley Railroad in the 1890s and now covered with rust, and it is parked in your front yard.

:ROFL:

I wish that for his next pick, the President would appoint me to the Supreme Court.

Ms. Jem
05-28-2009, 01:42 AM
Granted. Obama appoints you to the Supreme Court of Jesters. You can NEVER leave the post and you MUST be funny EVERYDAY.


Well, I like Pina Colada's, and I got caught in the rain, so all I need now is that sip of champagne. (that's my wish!)

karauseswords
05-28-2009, 06:57 AM
Granted! You've got your champagne, but since you didn't ask for dinner, you're going to have one hell of a hangover.

I wish I could eat all that I wanted and never gain an ounce. (Clearly I've got food on the brain.)

:)

Komnena
05-28-2009, 08:03 AM
Granted. You never gain an ounce no matter how much you eat. All your friends ostracize you from jealousy.

I wish the plants at work would disappear.

Rebekah7
05-28-2009, 11:42 AM
Granted, but so do all other plants. The world now has no new supply of oxygen and we will all die.

I wish that it was easier to think up cool wishes.

Jill Leo
05-30-2009, 12:26 AM
Granted, but now you are locked in a cage in a secret government facility forced to think up wishes for all the power hungry politicians of the world.

I wish I could move objects with my mind.

Nymtoc
05-30-2009, 03:03 AM
I wish I could move objects with my mind.

Granted.

You can move the object of any verb with your mind. Instead of writing "the man hit the hammer," you can write "the hammer was hit by the man."

:tongue

I wish I could be invisible whenever I want.

Komnena
05-30-2009, 04:49 AM
Granted. A distant relative gives you an invisibility producing gold ring before he leaves on a mysterious relative. Unfortunately the ring also draws a group of nine evil riders seeking to take it from you. Enjoy your trip to Mount Doom.

I wish the library books would take themselves back to the library.

Dirtpoor
05-30-2009, 08:05 AM
Granted. Your library books now walk themselves back to the library while you persue more interesting tasks. Unfortunately all of your future borrowed books walk themselves back to the library shelves as soon as you get them home and before you get to read them.


I wish the firewood would chop itself.

Woof
05-30-2009, 04:22 PM
I wish the firewood would chop itself.


Granted. A phantom hand wielding a phantom axe chops all the firewood with great enthusiasm. Minutes late a roaring fire crackles in the fireplace while your head rests comfortably on the floor. However, your torso is resting in another part of the house.


I wish I had a dollar for every wild thought I've ever had.

Komnena
05-30-2009, 04:42 PM
Granted. Unfortunately they are dollars issued by the Continental Congress. They do make neat bookmarks, however.

I wish the local zoo had flying monkeys.

Woof
05-30-2009, 06:29 PM
I wish the local zoo had flying monkeys.


Granted. The local zoo now has flying monkeys. Nobody ever sees them fly, however, because they spend all their time indoors repeatedly watching a DVD of The Wizard of Oz, frequently breaking into cheers when the flying monkeys make their appearance.


I wish that it were legal to use cattle prods in supermarkets to push along the people who block the aisles.

Komnena
05-31-2009, 08:58 AM
Granted. However, it is also legal for aisle blockers to bring M-16's. Better be careful whom you prod. Remember,"an armed society is a polite society."

I wish I owned an ocean liner.

Dirtpoor
05-31-2009, 12:33 PM
Granted. It is 1912 and you are handed the ownership papers as you board for the maiden voyage. The Titanic looks a treat: enjoy your trip.


I wish I could make time stand still.

Ms. Jem
06-01-2009, 08:57 PM
Granted. Time stands still just as you win the $62,630,000.00 million Jackpot. You are forever staring at that oversized check being presented to you. So close and yet so far.


I wish lunch would go on fa evahhhhh! (insert evil laugh here)

Komnena
06-01-2009, 10:06 PM
Granted. Lunch goes on forever. You never finish any writing or do anything but eat lunch.

I wish I had every DVD of 1940's films.

Nymtoc
06-01-2009, 11:36 PM
I wish I had every DVD of 1940's films.

Granted

Some 20,000 films were produced in the 1940s, and you now have 20,538 DVDs. Unfortunately, they were all made with the PAL format (standard in Europe and other parts of the world), and cannot be used in your player.

:roll:

I wish the TV pundits would all go away.

Rebekah7
06-02-2009, 01:40 AM
Granted, but they are replaced by door to door pundits, who always knock on the door during dinner.

I wish my refrigerator magically generated food.

Dirtpoor
06-02-2009, 02:10 PM
Granted. You do like raw liver, turnips and brussel-sprout pickles don't you?


I wish my bathroom was instantly renovated.

Jill Leo
06-03-2009, 12:57 AM
Granted, you now have the most fantastic outhouse in the neighborhood, complete with moon shaped vent.

I wish life had an undo button.

Nymtoc
06-03-2009, 09:12 PM
I wish life had an undo button.

Granted.

When you push it, it resets to zero. You are now one minute old.

:D

I wish I were a shapeshifter.

Dirtpoor
06-04-2009, 04:22 AM
Granted. You perfect the ability to shapeshift into a ferret the very same day they are declared a noxious pest with an open hunting season and a reward for their pelts.

I wish people would obey my commands.

Ludka
06-04-2009, 09:19 PM
Granted. However, people take your commands VERY seriously, and can't tell when you're giving a command or just making a passing comment, causing all sorts of incidents whereby people almost constantly tell you what is on the ceiling or in the sky (what's up?), people describe their forms of locomotion to you (How's it going?), explain in detail how their genetals are hanging (How's it hanging?), culminating in a rash of people going and f**king themselves in crowded places (duh.).

I wish I had some studly pectoral muscles.

vox
06-04-2009, 10:59 PM
Granted. You are now the proud owner of studly pectoral muscles. However, the stud to which they were formerly attached is lying all carved up on your living room floor. Was that...a knock at the door? Yes, and they're all wearing badges.


I wish I had some motivation to get my work done.

Ms. Jem
06-05-2009, 10:13 PM
Granted. Unemployment in the U.S. is upwards of 9%.


I wish I had a dollar for every WEIRD dream I had.

Nymtoc
06-05-2009, 10:18 PM
I wish I had a dollar for every WEIRD dream I had.

Granted.

You have 20,358 sand dollars, exactly like the ones in Dream #9674.

:roll:

I wish I had a house in Saint-Tropez.

Snowstorm
06-08-2009, 11:34 PM
Granted. Your house of cards stands three stories tall. You spend your time chasing cards with every bit of breeze. You don't mind that so much except when the card walls fall from your bathroom ... while you're using it.

I wish the next ten days would fly past so I can be rid of this neck brace I've worn for the past seven weeks! Gah! I'm sick of wearing it!

Dirtpoor
06-09-2009, 05:19 AM
Granted. It is only when you can look down that you realize they put your head on backwards. At least now you can stop worrying about those two lumps on your back.

I wish this cold wind would blow away.

Komnena
06-09-2009, 07:50 AM
Granted. Unfortunately it is a tornado which takes your house and everything in said house straight to Oz. The Munchkins are still trying to figure out what the TV does.

I wish my first draft could be a bestseller.

Dirtpoor
06-11-2009, 11:55 AM
Granted. It becomes the classic joke book of split infinitives - your literary aspirations are shot, but it's not all bad - you are finally making money from your writing.


I wish my family enjoyed eating raw, unpeeled vegetables.

Ms. Jem
06-11-2009, 10:05 PM
Granted. Your family enjoys raw, unpeeled veggies, especially your youngest, Peter Rabbit.

I wish Saturday was three days long.

Nymtoc
06-11-2009, 10:32 PM
I wish Saturday was three days long.

Granted.

But Monday is now four days long, with all the work that implies.

:ROFL:

I wish I lived in a penthouse.