Okay, which one reads better?

[ANNIE]

Two variations of the same sentence, which one reads better?

#1 The thin cotton shirt he wore was saturated through with both sweat and blood; he was soon shivering with the fever that held him firmly in its grip.

#2 The thin cotton shirt he wore was saturated through with sweat and blood; he was soon shivering with fever.

[Annabella]

I like number 2 better. It's neat, clean, and to the point.

[P.H.Delarran]

Of those two, I would choose #2, much more concise. But I'm itching to switch the word order around, sweat and blood first, (since it comes from within it him it helps demonstrate his anguish) then the thin shirt (external evidence).
Of course if I am coming completly out of context here, feel free to ignore me.:rolleyes:

[reph]

#1 The thin cotton shirt he wore was saturated through with both sweat and blood; he was soon shivering with the fever that held him firmly in its grip.

#2 The thin cotton shirt he wore was saturated through with sweat and blood; he was soon shivering with fever.
#3 Sweat and blood saturated his thin cotton shirt. Soon he shivered with fever.

[ANNIE]

#3 Sweat and blood saturated the thin cotton shirt he wore; he was soon shivering with fever.Okay 1-2-or 3

Reph beat me to it.

[abwallace]

I like #3 best. Reph's version appeals to me more because he cut it down even futher. Just sounded stronger when I read it.


Just my opinion.

Toni W.

[DamaNegra]

Of Annie's sentences, I like #2 better. However, I feel inclined to favor Reph's #3 sentence.

[reph]

Reph's version appeals to me more because he...
Thanks, and it's "she."

[veinglory]

2or 3 but without the 'soon'

[ANNIE]

I bow to you all, I tend to get a little wordy,

#3 it is. Thanks for your esteemed opinions
Annie

[underthecity]

Well, shoot, guess I'm too late.

Definitely 3. More active than "shirt. . . was saturated."

allen

[Sharon Mock]

Just to make things more interesting, I prefer "His thin cotton shirt was saturated through with sweat and blood." I think sweat and blood -- the heart of the sentence -- has more prominence at the end of the sentence than at the beginning, and saturated makes a more interesting adjective than verb.

I don't think the two clauses are part of the same sentence. I'd write them as separate paragraphs. (And what do you mean by soon?)

#4: His thin cotton shirt was saturated through with sweat and blood.

He tried to continue, but he'd started shivering with fever.

[pdr]

Perhaps it's my non-American background but surely 'saturated' stands by itself and does not need through. If something is saturated doesn't that mean it is soaked right through?

[jst5150]

Reph's revision rules. Nixes the passive.

[reph]

Perhaps it's my non-American background but surely 'saturated' stands by itself and does not need through. If something is saturated doesn't that mean it is soaked right through?
Yes, it does, and I'm American. If you wrote "saturated through," an editor would delete "through," I hope.

The verb could be "soaked" instead of "saturated."

I proposed version 3 because it's simple and direct. The best way to write the sentence, though, would depend on the context, what the writer wanted to emphasize, and what sounds and rhythms would fit in at that point. Putting the thin shirt last emphasizes that the character is cold (his shirt is wet) and thus leads into his fever and shivering. For some purposes, emphasizing the sweat and blood would do better.

[DamaNegra]

Sorry Reph, I guess I just connected reph with ralph and I assumed you were a guy :D

By the way, I liked reph's sentence better because it was simpler, more direct and eliminated the passive.

[Jamesaritchie]

I would keep it as one sentence, but in any version, I think the semicolon should go. "And" is better in fiction, and when you can replace a semicolon with "and," you should. Combing sentences is often what gives fiction flow, and helps avoid teh worst thing any fiction writer can do where rhythm is concerned, which is choppiness."Saturated through" also strikes me as redundant. "Through" is unnecessary, since "saturated" means the same thing. An editor would cross out "Through," not "saturated." Even "soaked through" is too much. "Saturated" and "soaked" work fine without help.

[Bufty]

I'm with Reph on this one.

[ANNIE]

Wow, thanks all, I appreciate the advice - will strike through and the semicolon.

(BTW- the character is unconscious,)

Can I post one sentence at a time of my MS and you guys can fix them for me?:)

Thanks- Annie

[blacbird]

Also, "saturated through" is redundant.

[ipsda]

I must agree with James. I would rather write something like:

Blood and sweat seeped through the thin cotton shirt and soon he shivered from a fever.

This would be the way I would try to word it.

[reph]

An editor would cross out "Through," not "saturated."
Yes, a wide-awake editor would. I've corrected my post.

[abwallace]

Thanks, and it's "she."

You're a "she". Sorry. But in my defense--I've been taught that if in doubt, it's always male.:)

Toni W.

[reph]

I've been taught that if in doubt, it's always male.
Good enough if you don't mind getting it wrong half the time. A more realistic rule is "If in doubt, make no assumptions."

[PeeDee]

"Better to be suspected an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." -- Mark Twain.

(Which does not apply to you, abwallace, but is just one of those wonderful quotes I jump at the chance to throw out there.)

[zeprosnepsid]

what's with 'the fever'? I'm sure it makes sense in context -- that we would know what this fever is.

One person's revision said 'a fever'. Out of context, 'the fever' struck me as strange and left me wondering 'what fever'? If it's not a specific fever, which it may be, I'd go with 'a'.

[ANNIE]

what's with 'the fever'? I'm sure it makes sense in context -- that we would know what this fever is.

One person's revision said 'a fever'. Out of context, 'the fever' struck me as strange and left me wondering 'what fever'? If it's not a specific fever, which it may be, I'd go with 'a'.
The character is found in the woods unconcsious and febrile, the description is from the woman who finds him, she already knows he has a fever at the point in the story in question so I thought 'the fever' sounded better. than 'a fever,'

[Vuligora]

Okay, my opinion....I like number 1. Not tha it's perfect, but the fact that you say the fever had him firmly in it's grip gives the fever an edge a sinsiter side that teh character is feeling. He can't escape, it has him, he's shivering. Cool.

Now, instead of watching the caharacter being soaked in blood ansd sweat, I feel the character and the gripping fever. It isn't just there. It's doing something. It has a feeling that grips me. But maybe saying it gripped him isn't quite right.

Try giving the fever a personality that is a little less...cliche. Not holding him, maybe "consuming him" or something.

[abwallace]

"Better to be suspected an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." -- Mark Twain.

(Which does not apply to you, abwallace, but is just one of those wonderful quotes I jump at the chance to throw out there.)

Nicely put! Thanks!

Antonietta (also Toni W.)

Annie: Good luck with your work!

["The Apostle" Author]

From a truly medical stand point, most injuries which will cause you to bleed enough to sauturate your clothing will indeed cause infection, which in turn will cause a fever. Unless of course the bleeding out has cleansed any contaminates from the wound. "The body is a wonderful thing. oops back to my point. How old is this injury? Would someone who had just been stabbed/shot be shivering from fever. Our imune system is good but I suspect not quite that fast. Shock however can happen very quicly and may cause the body to shiver.

Ok I invented my own context. It is after all Christmas Eve eve and I am sitting at my day job desk, playing virtual hooky. (Don't want to be a starving author) Here is how I envision this sentence to fit a story. Now I'll sit back and wait for the fun to begin.

Had it not been for the blood and sweat which saturated his thin cotton shirt, it would have apeared he was shivering from a fever, but fever was the least of their worries right now. She would worry about that again, when his imune system caught up with the trauma, provided she could keep him from dieing before it had a chance. She racked her brain, shaking off cobwebs as she searched the anals of long lost memories for the apropriate information.
The YWCA CPR class had been so long ago---and at the time she could never have predicted the need to treat a man for shock. Slowly the cobwebs began to subside, and the meomories worked their way to the forefront of her brain. She had already stoped the bleeding, that was step one...


Sweat and blood from the wound saturated his thin cotton shirt. Soon he shivered with fever.

[NeuroFizz]

The character is found in the woods unconcsious and febrile, the description is from the woman who finds him, she already knows he has a fever at the point in the story in question so I thought 'the fever' sounded better. than 'a fever,'
Hi, Annie

I'm going to suggest a different tack that may or may not be appropriate since this is a tidbit in isolation. If you are describing this from the POV of the woman who finds him, why aren't you putting the reader right in that woman's skin as she do so? If this is to be an emotion tugging scene starter, the readers should have the eyes, the fingertips, the sensations of the woman, so they can better feel the scene. If your description is coming from the narrator, it's not the best move, in my opinion. If it's coming from the woman, the POV seems mighty distant. Ir you want emotion, I'd suggest a very tight POV.

Another note that addresses another post. If the man has a fever, it's unlikely he'll be actively bleeding. Clotting will occur long before an infection sets in, unless the infection comes from some previous injury.

I hope I haven't missed anything here. I could only skim the other posts.

[ANNIE]

Hi Neuro Fizz,

Great suggestion. Yes we are in the woman POV (Her name's Kyla)

I am in the process of re-vamping the entire MS (Heavy sigh) So what's one more change - it would make the tension tighter.
As for the fever issue- This Guy has just been beaten and sliced and diced within an inch of his life and the knife that caused the wound was poisoned(As if he didn't have enough trouble!)
The wound is deep - from shoulder to elbow and is still oozing blood when Kyla finds him. Its not infected yet, the fever is caused by the poison in his system.

The wound is fresh when she finds him.
Does that make sense?
Thanks for the input.
Annie

[ANNIE]

From a truly medical stand point, most injuries which will cause you to bleed enough to sauturate your clothing will indeed cause infection, which in turn will cause a fever. Unless of course the bleeding out has cleansed any contaminates from the wound. "The body is a wonderful thing. oops back to my point. How old is this injury? Would someone who had just been stabbed/shot be shivering from fever. Our imune system is good but I suspect not quite that fast. Shock however can happen very quicly and may cause the body to shiver.

Ok I invented my own context. It is after all Christmas Eve eve and I am sitting at my day job desk, playing virtual hooky. (Don't want to be a starving author) Here is how I envision this sentence to fit a story. Now I'll sit back and wait for the fun to begin.

Had it not been for the blood and sweat which saturated his thin cotton shirt, it would have apeared he was shivering from a fever, but fever was the least of their worries right now. She would worry about that again, when his imune system caught up with the trauma, provided she could keep him from dieing before it had a chance. She racked her brain, shaking off cobwebs as she searched the anals of long lost memories for the apropriate information.
The YWCA CPR class had been so long ago---and at the time she could never have predicted the need to treat a man for shock. Slowly the cobwebs began to subside, and the meomories worked their way to the forefront of her brain. She had already stoped the bleeding, that was step one...


Sweat and blood from the wound saturated his thin cotton shirt. Soon he shivered with fever.

Thank you Apostle author, quite the thpught process you got there! She actaully does go into an internal dialogue very much like the one you did - you sure you haven't read my MS?:)

Thanks for the input -I like your sentence!
Annie

[NeuroFizz]

The wound is deep - from shoulder to elbow and is still oozing blood when Kyla finds him. Its not infected yet, the fever is caused by the poison in his system.
What I'd do in this case, and this is just me...I'd do a little research. I'd find a specific poison and look at the physiological symptoms to the chemical, and use them. Does the woman know he's been stabbed by a poisoned knife? If not, you could present the symptoms (find a poison with strange ones, although rapid-onset fever could be one) and have her a bit confused by them (make it subtle). The poisoning could be used as a mystery that is brought in later to complicate the situation or to up the tension. If it is a poison that requires an anitdote, that is a whole additional source of tension.

[Elijah Phoenix]

His shirt was soaked with sweat and blood, and he was shaking with fever chills.

or
He was sweatin and shakin from the fever and his shirt was soaked in his own blood. He was in deep **** and he knew it.

[ANNIE]

Thank you and thank you NF Excellent suggestions, I appreciate the thought you put into this and I intend to take them to heartElijah thanks much as well. I never expected so much help with such a simplr question - you guys are incredable and have made me see my charact ers in a whole new light.
Keep 'em coming if you have anymore thoughts.

["The Apostle" Author]

No but then I'm finding more and more we writers are similar breed. Let me know when it come out and I'll buy a copy

Thank you Apostle author, quite the thpught process you got there! She actaully does go into an internal dialogue very much like the one you did - you sure you haven't read my MS?:)

Thanks for the input -I like your sentence!
Annie

[ANNIE]

Ah, if you're not old and feeble to read by then!Working on a total rewrite as we speak(Type?)
Thanks. Annie

[Aero]

Technically you can take out, "he wore" also. And you may want to remove the word "fever" given it somewhat downplays the severity. Instead add more scenery. Anways, here's another perspective since you already have 100 of them. :)



He lied there half dead with just his thin cotton shirt covered in blood and sweat to keep him warm. Shivering on the cold lifeless ground against a pine tree I found him incoherently trying to speak. "Why is this happening to me!" he yelled. It echoed into the woods as I approached him.

[Vomaxx]

"And" is better in fiction, and when you can replace a semicolon with "and," you should.

Really?

[Aero]

Yes because you want it to flow naturally like people talk. Most people don't use semicolons in their personal writing, or even know when to. But everyone says "and" all the time. And that is the truth. And you know it. Well. What are you waiting on. Ok, ok, ok. I know I'm babbling. Why do you keep reading this. You can stop at any time. You are definitely a writer aren't you. Still reading a long. Oops, I meant along. Ok. Well. Now this is awkward. And I said good day.

[Bufty]

I don't like this version at all. He lied there half dead with just his thin cotton shirt covered in blood and sweat to keep him warm. Shivering on the cold lifeless ground against a pine tree I found him incoherently trying to speak. "Why is this happening to me!" he yelled. It echoed into the woods as I approached him.

["The Apostle" Author]

Literally the plot thickens

I wonder if we all just start----could we write a story. I'll start.

Once upon a time

What I'd do in this case, and this is just me...I'd do a little research. I'd find a specific poison and look at the physiological symptoms to the chemical, and use them. Does the woman know he's been stabbed by a poisoned knife? If not, you could present the symptoms (find a poison with strange ones, although rapid-onset fever could be one) and have her a bit confused by them (make it subtle). The poisoning could be used as a mystery that is brought in later to complicate the situation or to up the tension. If it is a poison that requires an anitdote, that is a whole additional source of tension.

["The Apostle" Author]

I think he would lay there half dead...but then I may be wrong. I'm not an english major. As for Semicolons, lets do trig or algorithmic equations instead,


Of course if he is mumbling incoherently why is he all of a sudden coherent and able to yell? Just an observation.

If I were going to do that I would lead in.
When I found him he was leaning against the rough bark of an old pine, barely staying upright and mumbling incoherently. Just as I reached him his eyes opened wide and he seemed to look right through me." Why Is this happening to me!" He shouted directly into my face, so loudly that he startled several nearby birds who departed quickly with a fluttering of wings.

Again, just my opinion. Succinct doesn't seem to be my strong point.


Technically you can take out, "he wore" also. And you may want to remove the word "fever" given it somewhat downplays the severity. Instead add more scenery. Anways, here's another perspective since you already have 100 of them. :)



He lied there half dead with just his thin cotton shirt covered in blood and sweat to keep him warm. Shivering on the cold lifeless ground against a pine tree I found him incoherently trying to speak. "Why is this happening to me!" he yelled. It echoed into the woods as I approached him.

[azbikergirl]

I also like #3 best, but I'd revise even further:

Sweat and blood saturated his thin cotton shirt. Soon he shivered with fever.

My preference is to eliminate the boring 'to be' verbs whenever possible.

[Bufty]

Isn't a cotton shirt 'thin' by definition?

[reph]

No, there are heavy cotton work shirts, for instance.

[ANNIE]

Oh dear me, when did I lose control over my simple little sentence?:e2drown:

["The Apostle" Author]

It was a very boring conference call. Not knowing the setting I shouldn't jump out there. It's your story you should tell it your way. After all my dialog wouldn't fit your prose.

[ANNIE]

It was a very boring conference call. Not knowing the setting I shouldn't jump out there. It's your story you should tell it your way. After all my dialog wouldn't fit your prose.

Ah, I wasn't looking for an apology Apostle:) , I think it's amazing that one simple question has sparked so much interest- Creative minds are a thing of beauty and they never sleep.

Thanks