Female Agents / Mrs., Ms., or Neither?

Ken · Nov 19, 2011

... the go-to would be "Ms." I suppose, since you don't know if the agent is married or not. Even so, might they still be a bit put off if they are married and you say Ms instead of Mrs?

In my desperation to make a good initial impression I've begun to wonder if it might make a difference.

The web complicates matters. Sometimes you do know that the agent in question is married because you happened upon the detail when researching the agent. But if you address them as Mrs they may be like, "Is this person stalking me or something? How do they know I'm hitched?!"

To play it safe, I recently resorted to a third option. I bypass the form of address by using agents' last and first names, e.g. "Dear Jane Doe." There seems to be something wrong about that, too, supposing it's even acceptable as a salutation.

On the verge of losing it, I may go with "Hey Babe," next.

Feedback appreciated.

ViolettaVane · Nov 19, 2011

I've never heard of a woman angry at being called Ms. instead of Mrs. I use Ms. exclusively.

Giant Baby · Nov 19, 2011

I start with "Ms." in the query, and reply to any response with however they sign their email.

ETA: I wouldn't go with "Babe," personally. If you're thinking about throwing it all out there, "Sexy Pants McBig Brain" would be the preferred salutation, IMO.

veinglory · Nov 19, 2011

If they don't specify otherwise on their website/other listing I doubt Ms. will offend.

Ken · Nov 19, 2011

... cool. Thanks. I'll go with Ms. from now on.

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Thanks, below as well vvv

CarlyeKnight · Nov 19, 2011

Safest to go with Ms. Also, if you know they're married, who's to say they've taken their husband's name? It's not out of the question for a married woman to keep her own name.

Drachen Jager · Nov 19, 2011

Just check, double check and triple check their gender. Some cannot be guessed by name alone, so unless the name is certainly male or female check it.

Maryn · Nov 19, 2011

Amen, Drachen. I have an online friend, Ashleigh, a bearded guy who runs a website. Even though he puts "Mr. Ashleigh XXXX" in the contact information, he still gets a lot of people assuming he's a woman and acting differently because of it, especially his US customers.

And I used to work with a man named Bernice. Really.

Maryn, making a list, checking it--three times

Drachen Jager · Nov 19, 2011

There's a female agent out there named Spencer, and one other who I mis-identified on my first novel but blushed over when I realised my mistake querying my second.

Ken · Nov 19, 2011

... on a related note, I've occasionally mixed up an agent's gender due to a typo. I'll have a query to send for a number of agents and all I'll basically change is the name in the salutation. Inevitably, I forget to switch Mr to Ms or vice versa.

There have been a couple of times I've encountered ambiguous names. One was for an editor at a newspaper. I called the newspaper and asked to be sure I had it right. I didn't.

sheadakota · Nov 19, 2011

I once addressed a query to Ellen Ethenburg :chair

Giant Baby · Nov 19, 2011

sheadakota said:
I once addressed a query to Ellen Ethenburg

Tromboli · Nov 19, 2011

Just to reiterate what has already been stated, Janet Ried answered this question at a conference I was at last year. Always use Ms.

Even though she is married she doesn't like when people start a letter with Mrs. Ried because it is her maiden name. She said it creeps her out because it implies that she'd married to her father.

IceCreamEmpress · Nov 19, 2011

"Ms." is always the appropriate salutation for a business letter to a woman in the US unless you know the recipient prefers another title, whether it be "Mrs." or "Miss" or "Dr." or "Lt. Col." or whatever.

Of course, one can always use a full name in a salutation. "Dear Chris Jones" is equally formal, and useful when you do not know the recipient's gender.

shaldna · Nov 20, 2011

ViolettaVane said:
I've never heard of a woman angry at being called Ms. instead of Mrs. I use Ms. exclusively.

I hate it.

I refuse to acknowledge anyone calling me Ms. I got married for a reason and I'm a Mrs.

That said, if someone calls me Miss then I'm happy with that too.

But I just think that Ms. is pretentious and smug.

shaldna · Nov 20, 2011

IceCreamEmpress said:
Of course, one can always use a full name in a salutation. "Dear Chris Jones" is equally formal, and useful when you do not know the recipient's gender.

This what I tend to do.

Paul · Nov 20, 2011

Ken said:
... the go-to would be "Ms." I suppose, since you don't know if the agent is married or not. Even so, might they still be a bit put off if they are married and you say Ms instead of Mrs?

In my desperation to make a good initial impression I've begun to wonder if it might make a difference.

The web complicates matters. Sometimes you do know that the agent in question is married because you happened upon the detail when researching the agent. But if you address them as Mrs they may be like, "Is this person stalking me or something? How do they know I'm hitched?!"

To play it safe, I recently resorted to a third option. I bypass the form of address by using agents' last and first names, e.g. "Dear Jane Doe." There seems to be something wrong about that, too, supposing it's even acceptable as a salutation.

On the verge of losing it, I may go with "Hey Babe," next.

Feedback appreciated.

And therein lies your problem.

If you wrote 'Yo Dude/ Dudette, you might have a problem, otherwise it's Ms.

But it's the desperate to impress that the problem.

Which might cause you to come across as unprofessional - in this case professional meaning aware how the industry works.

I'm always amazed at some of the attitudes to Agents by a sizable minority of agent seekers.

Agents you don't know or have not corresponded with are strangers. Yes, complete strangers. For sure, you might have a sense of their personality, but you don't know them, and they don't know you.

So act accordingly.

When of course you're corresponding with them, that's different, as you're no longer strangers.

In short, no professional is going to get upset by an issue such as Mrs or Ms, but Ms is the standard option for a first letter of query.

shaldna · Nov 20, 2011

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ms.

Don't get too bogged down in it, I really don't think an agent or editor is going to flip out over it, and if they do then they probably aren't someone you'd want to work with.

At the end of the day Ms is probably the best option, but it should be noted that some people find being called Ms just as offensive as getting the Miss / Mrs wrong.

In short, you can't please everyone.

Ken · Nov 20, 2011

... it pays to ask questions. Thanks!
I never even thought about a woman (like my artist cousin) who hasn't changed her last name after marriage accordingly preferring Ms.. That makes sense now that the reason has been spelled out, in an entertaining way

Good to know that a full name can be used if one gets in a bind or prefers it to Ms. or Mrs.. I just sent out some queries with full names. *breathes sigh of relief*

scarletpeaches · Nov 20, 2011

shaldna said:
I hate it.

I refuse to acknowledge anyone calling me Ms. I got married for a reason and I'm a Mrs.

That said, if someone calls me Miss then I'm happy with that too.

But I just think that Ms. is pretentious and smug.

You're in the minority of women I know, then. Most don't see why their title should depend on their marital status. A man's doesn't, after all.

I address all correspondence to women with 'Ms' and if they don't like it, oh well. Chances are we wouldn't like working together anyway.

Ken · Nov 20, 2011

scarletpeaches said:
You're in the minority of women I know, then. Most don't see why their title should depend on their marital status. A man's doesn't, after all.

... that you, yourself, know. But that doesn't necessarily mean the majority of all women, everywhere. There's nothing wrong with preferring one form of address or the other. Each are equally fine.

Preferring to be called Mrs. is just a matter of wanting to publicly affirm a partnership with another one loves and is loved by. To me that's nice

Of course that's not essential. Ms will do too. It's the bond itself that counts.

scarletpeaches · Nov 20, 2011

I did say women I know. And, like I also said, a man's title doesn't reveal his marital status. So I don't see why a woman's should.

I remember filling in a form at school and ticking the 'Ms' box. The teacher said 'Ms' was just for...well, I won't repeat what he said, but it was alluding to such women's alleged sexuality.

kaitlin008 · Nov 20, 2011

scarletpeaches said:
You're in the minority of women I know, then. Most don't see why their title should depend on their marital status. A man's doesn't, after all.

I address all correspondence to women with 'Ms' and if they don't like it, oh well. Chances are we wouldn't like working together anyway.

This is true, and also, I'm married, but kept my maiden name. So calling me Mrs. Lastname would be inaccurate. (Although I don't get offended by being addressed as Mrs. Husbandslastname from time to time, because there are just bigger things to get offended over and it's not a wild assumption). And I'm obviously not the only person in the world who got married and didn't change their last name.

I agree with Ken that what a woman prefers to be called is her decision and no one is really wrong or right here, but the fact is that for professional business correspondence, you don't want to make assumptions about someone's marital status, and that's why Ms. works so well.

scarletpeaches · Nov 20, 2011

I know a woman who insists her proper, legal title is Mrs Husbandsfirstname Husbandslastname.

I thought she was joking at first, but no, she insists that legally she has his first name as well.

Bufty · Nov 20, 2011

I remember seeing that style of address used often on mail addressed to my mother.

Female Agents / Mrs., Ms., or Neither?

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