PENITENTIARY PACIFIC! [Archive] - Absolute Write Water Cooler

jbuchanan

10-23-2005, 12:01 PM

The action-novel of the year!!! PENITENTIARY PACIFIC. Now available at www.barnesandnoble.com (http://www.barnesandnoble.com/)!!! Website: http://www.publishedauthors.net/jbuchanan/index.html

VI

Saturday

Shortly after 4:30 a.m.

TENSIONS were heated in the back of the midnight-blue stretch-limousine as it traveled up the long and empty avenue. Sterlin Jarris was trembling uncontrollably like a deer cornered in a lion's den. One minute he was at his home in the shower preparing for work. The next minute he was apprehended by a group of eight rowdy individuals whom he did not want to see. Now he was having a type of heartache that he had never experienced before.

The air-conditioner in the limousine was on full throttle but sweat was still irrigating uncontrollably from the pores of Sterlin's face. His stringy blonde hair was drenched with perspiration and his respiration was corroded. Breathing through his clogged nostrils seemed to be more and more difficult by the second.

Zsapata had forcefully squeezed a six fluid-ounce tube of quick-bonding glue into Sterlin’s mouth when they first snatched him. Sterlin initially coughed up some of the super-glue, but his tongue, gums and teeth were already instantly plastered by the paste. His teary eyes bulged with fear as he sat with his wrists lassoed together so tightly that his hands had turned from pale to a dull-blue color...

Syrra

10-23-2005, 03:53 PM

Wow.. Did this really need to be posted on every thread?
And ya know, it really made me NOT want to buy your book. I hope that's what you were going for.
I hate spammers. :Headbang:

aadams73

10-23-2005, 04:02 PM

Ugh, and it's Publish America too, so it's probably full of typos and errors.

astonwest

10-23-2005, 04:22 PM

I wonder if any mods are up this early (or late, depending...)?

jules

10-23-2005, 05:32 PM

From the spammer's web site:

"No other novel contains subject-matter[sic] as diverse as Penitentiary Pacific. "

Or, alternatively, "this novel has the least amount of theme ever written." The subject matter includes, of course, "the inner doors of the Oval Office of the United States President," which I must admit to having always felt were the most fascinating pieces of furniture ever.

Maryn

10-23-2005, 05:49 PM

I'm going to have to go to this person's house and take away their bin of hyphens. Just because you have a lot of something doesn't mean you should use it constantly.

Maryn, hyphen-snitching fiend

jules

10-23-2005, 05:54 PM

Of course, Mr Buchanan may have posted his work here because he wanted a critique.

TENSIONS were heated in the back of the midnight-blue stretch-limousine as it traveled up the long and empty avenue.

This sentence isn't really very good. It's passive, and contains too many adjectives for my taste. I'd suggest just deleting it and moving straight on to the next one, but if you must keep it there shouldn't be a hyphen in "stretch-limousine".

Sterlin Jarris was trembling uncontrollably like a deer cornered in a lion's den.

I've never seen a deer cornered in a lion's den, and neither I suspect have most of your readers. A more down-to-earth simile might work better. The adverb 'uncontrollably' doesn't fit, in my opinion. Also the use of past progressive tense strikes me as unusual, is there a particular reason for this choice?

One minute he was at his home in the shower preparing for work. The next minute he was apprehended by a group of eight rowdy individuals whom he did not want to see.

In what way rowdy; why didn't he want to see them? How did they get into his home? I'd use "had been" rather than "was" in the first sentence, and "at home" is implied by "in the shower preparing for work" so should be deleted.

Now he was having a type of heartache that he had never experienced before.

This sentence doesn't mean much to me.

The air-conditioner in the limousine was on full throttle but sweat was still irrigating uncontrollably from the pores of Sterlin's face.

Air conditioner shouldn't be hyphenated. Do air conditioners have throttles? Irrigating is a strange choice of word, and is distracting in this context. Was the sweat really making his face more suitable for agricultural purposes? Uncotrollably is repetitive, unless you delete it from the sentence above as suggested. One or the other must go. One does not generally "irrigate from something".

His stringy blonde hair was drenched with perspiration and his respiration was corroded.

What is corroded respiration? This is meaningless.

Breathing through his clogged nostrils seemed to be more and more difficult by the second.

I'd suggest "was becoming" rather than "seemed to be", but this sentence is acceptable as it stands.

Zsapata had forcefully squeezed a six fluid-ounce tube of quick-bonding glue into Sterlin’s mouth when they first snatched him.

The name Zsapata is very difficult to pronounce. It doesn't seem to be a genuine name, and I know of no common language where the "Zs" combination is frequently used, so I have no idea how it should be pronounced. No hyphen in "fluid ounce".

Sterlin initially coughed up some of the super-glue, but his tongue, gums and teeth were already instantly plastered by the paste.

No hyphen in super-glue. Already and instantly both refer to timing and are somewhat contradictory. Loose one or the other.

His teary eyes bulged with fear as he sat with his wrists lassoed together so tightly that his hands had turned from pale to a dull-blue color...

His wrists were lassoed together? As in somebody had thrown a rope over them from a distance and then tightened it by pulling?

Flapdoodle

10-23-2005, 07:31 PM

His wrists were lassoed together? As in somebody had thrown a rope over them from a distance and then tightened it by pulling?

(Snipped)

Excellent critique. Had me in stitches - certainly more entertaining than reading the story. (I have been to the webpage and glanced over some of it. Shudder. Now I can why you folks don't like PA.)

JennaGlatzer

10-23-2005, 07:38 PM

And I'm leaving this spam thread here only because of this line from Jules' critique, which just made my morning:

Was the sweat really making his face more suitable for agricultural purposes?

Liam Jackson

10-23-2005, 07:49 PM

Too bad someone banned the poster. I'd like to know who authored the blurb,
"The best action-novel of the year!"

James D. Macdonald

10-23-2005, 08:06 PM

The avenue was long and empty? Wow.

Go through, delete every adjective, adverb, simile, and metaphor, and see what you have.

(BTW, I think the poster should be unbanned. This isn't the PA board. Poor guy is enthusiastic and doesn't know much about the web in general (and this board in particular). Give him a chance.)

James D. Macdonald

10-23-2005, 08:07 PM

Too bad someone banned the poster. I'd like to know who authored the blurb,
"The best action-novel of the year!"

From the hyphen in "action-novel" I'd say it was the author himself.

Jamesaritchie

10-23-2005, 08:08 PM

TENSIONS were heated in the back of the midnight-blue stretch-limousine as it traveled up the long and empty avenue. [/QUOTE]

I stopped reading as soon as I finished this sentence, so I didn't even get to the irrigated face or the lassoed hands. It doesn't even make sense. Tensions can be high, but how do you go about heating them? I think most were understand what the writer means, but the sentence really doesn't make sense, and at the very best is redunadant, and has terrible word choice.

Really, I've been in limousines. I've seen drinking bars in the back, along with drink holders. I've also seen a snack bar, a caviar and wine bar, and I've seen a refrigerator. I've seen a TV. I've seen an internet connection. But I've never seen a limousine that had a tension heater. I don't even know why anyone would want to heat tensions in the back of a limousine, even if they had a suitable heater.

If writing this bad, and word choice this horrible, passes muster at PA, it's very difficult to understand why anyone would consider them a legitimate publisher.

KTC

10-23-2005, 08:13 PM

lol. That's all I have to say. lol.

Andrew Jameson

10-23-2005, 08:19 PM

(BTW, I think the poster should be unbanned. This isn't the PA board. Poor guy is enthusiastic and doesn't know much about the web in general (and this board in particular). Give him a chance.)Respectfully disagree. You may have missed the half-dozen other threads (now deleted) the poster started in other fora. One or two threads is over-enthusiastic pride. Six or seven is spamming. And I'd argue that someone who knows enough about the web to post content on a website should also know enough netiquette to realize that spamming is frowned upon.

(Although, truth be told, spamming doesn't necessarily need to be a bannable offence, and you could make a pretty good case that this particular poster could learn something if allowed to come back and play.)

Jamesaritchie

10-23-2005, 08:34 PM

JennaGlatzer

10-23-2005, 08:38 PM

I typically ban spammers without prejudice, and this one posted a minimum of 9 identical threads. I'll unban if you like, but somehow I don't see this turning out well...

KTC

10-23-2005, 08:41 PM

I agree with you Jenna. I'm sure he was a drive by anyway. Someone who acts so crassly is not planning to stay and chat about writing. He flew in, dropped his sh*t and flew out. He deserved what he got.

reph

10-23-2005, 09:42 PM

I was on the boards last night when jbuchanan exercised his generosity with electrons. When I used the little triangle to report one of these smears as a bad post, I mentioned that he was spamming and he mishandled POV. Does Sterlin know the AC is on "full throttle"? Presumably he's in the back, where he can't grab the steering wheel, and the condition of his mouth and the general emergency will occupy his mind: no room for leaping over the seat to examine dashboard controls. And how does he know the name of that Zs- fellow? A name tag, maybe? And who observes his bulging eyes? And why does he note that his hair is blond at a time like this? Stringy, yes – it's wet. They grabbed him in the shower, remember. He must be naked, too, unless these gentlemen gave him time to dress.

I also have a concern about plausibility. Wouldn't kidnappers drive something less conspicuous and more maneuverable than a midnight blue stretch limo?

How does one prepare for work in the shower, anyway, unless one works as a body-lotion tester?

scarletpeaches

10-23-2005, 09:46 PM

I vote that this thread and OP be allowed to stand. It makes me feel good about my writing. :D Bring back the poster too. I need the reassurance such crapular writing gives me.

Maryn

10-23-2005, 09:54 PM

I'm so bad. I'm awful. I googled for 3 minutes and learned that Jerome Buchanan has a degree in English. Like me.

Sigh...

Edit to add:
Maryn, who also learned that "Currently he resides in southern California and Atlanta, Georgia, and is currently in the creation process of his next two masterpieces." But what's going on with him currently is what she wants to know!

emeraldcite

10-23-2005, 10:03 PM

I'm so bad. I'm awful. I googled for 3 minutes and learned that Jerome Buchanan has a degree in English. Like me.

Sigh...

Not all degrees are created equal...

I was thinking of closing the thread and letting it sink into the abyss where all span belongs, but as long as people are using it as a sounding board (and the entertaining crit offered by jules), I'll let it roll for awhile until we all get bored with it. Then, I will cast it into the oblivion where the hounds of spam will gnaw on its gnarled bones...

scarletpeaches

10-23-2005, 10:10 PM

Wait 'til I've copy/pasted Jules's crit onto a word.doc then.

scarletpeaches

10-23-2005, 10:12 PM

Okay now. :D

Tiaga

10-23-2005, 10:27 PM

I typically ban spammers without prejudice, and this one posted a minimum of 9 identical threads. I'll unban if you like, but somehow I don't see this turning out well...

1 post OK
2 posts He's enthusiastic.
9 posts I say we hunt him down and hang him! ah er ban him.

Not all degrees are created equal...think Lawyers...ah that put's it in perspective.

emeraldcite

10-23-2005, 10:35 PM

Wait 'til I've copy/pasted Jules's crit onto a word.doc then.

I won't delete the thread, I'll just close it and let it sink. Have no fear, the thread will live in perpetuity until it falls off the edge of the pages...

but I'll wait until we're done... :horse:

Just gotta love that emoticon...

Dawno

10-23-2005, 11:07 PM

I decided to go over to the website and give the guy a chance. There are excerpts there. Read at your own risk. It does not get better, it gets much, much worse. Poor word choice is the least of his problems.

I do think the poor guy needs to be on a forum such as AW. If he doesn't take too much offense at the way we've torn him apart, he might be able to learn something useful.

The owners of PA are really the bad guys here. Any "publisher" that would make money by allowing fiction like this to go into print without proper rewriting and good editing is, to be kind, scum.

I'm with James. In 6 to 9 months he'll have his first royalty check. He will start wondering things. He will need AW then...he should know that he can have a second chance. He was probably just following the advice someone over at the PA boards gave him which in it's various incarnations is something like "Get your name out there - that's what sells books! Doesn't matter if it's negative press, that sells books, too!"

Vomaxx

10-24-2005, 12:26 AM

If you click on the PA site description, you will learn that the men are held in a "sub-aqueous, subterranean prison". This prison must therefore be buried beneath the bottom of the sea (or at least the bottom of a large lake, or maybe swimming pool). Boy, that's deep (even if the book isn't).

Great thread. A bit of humor always brightens the day.

Bufty

10-24-2005, 01:06 AM

I'm with James. In 6 to 9 months he'll have his first royalty check. He will start wondering things. He will need AW then...he should know that he can have a second chance. He was probably just following the advice someone over at the PA boards gave him which in it's various incarnations is something like "Get your name out there - that's what sells books! Doesn't matter if it's negative press, that sells books, too!"

I think you may mean he'll be looking for his Royalty check and wondering where it is? :Shrug: I wouldn't hold this albeit misguided 'marketing idea' against him if he came back genuinely looking for help. And I suspect he'll check back shortly under another name if only to see what response he got. Hi there, jb.:hi:

KTC

10-24-2005, 01:14 AM

I'm so bad. I'm awful. I googled for 3 minutes and learned that Jerome Buchanan has a degree in English. Like me.

Sigh...

I'm sorry Maryn, but we've had a poll here at AW...and you're not allowed to end your posts without your world famous endings. Don't slip up again or we will have to use drastic measures!

Kevin, who is mad that Maryn did not end her post properly!

JennaGlatzer

10-24-2005, 01:23 AM

Really! Would it have taken that much effort to end properly, like:

Maryn, lost in a puddle of sighs

?

KTC

10-24-2005, 01:33 AM

My point...exactly!

ted_curtis

10-24-2005, 04:37 AM

Zsapata had forcefully squeezed a six fluid-ounce tube of quick-bonding glue into Sterlin’s mouth when they first snatched him. Sterlin initially coughed up some of the super-glue, but his tongue, gums and teeth were already instantly plastered by the paste.

Not to beat a dead horse, but just in case the author's reading these comments, or someone else likes the idea:

This can't happen. Superglue doesn't stick to wet surfaces. I know because I've removed it from someone's eye (it's not smart to keep super-glue in your medicine cabinet next to your eyedrops.) It will stick to skin, eyelashes, and your lips (if they're dry, unlikely if you're in the shower), but not to your eyeball, conjunctiva, tongue, gums, or teeth. And superglue's a liquid, not a paste.

Ted

Jamesaritchie

10-24-2005, 04:50 AM

How in God's name does someone with an English degree make the kind of mistakes he makes? Not only the grammar errors, but writing that hands are lassoed together?

As someone said, not all degrees are created equal, but it would have been impossible to get a degree at my university if you were made half as many mistakes as this guy.

The fact that he has a degree in English is frightening.

reph

10-24-2005, 05:17 AM

How in God's name does someone with an English degree make the kind of mistakes he makes?
Maybe he bought all his term papers.

emeraldcite

10-24-2005, 05:36 AM

Maybe he bought all his term papers.

and the poor guy can't even defend himself...

of course...:Spam: there he is...

James D. Macdonald

10-24-2005, 05:36 AM

Dawno

10-24-2005, 05:40 AM

You can get through a degree in English Literature without taking any creative writing (I wouldn't recommend it, but you can). It would be hard to write even dry factual papers without using any adjectives, adverbs, similies, metaphors, etc., but you might be able to do that as well. As for grammar, perhaps he had a friend who red penned his work before he turned it in.

KTC

10-24-2005, 05:42 AM

Maybe he put it through the PA editing machine. (Otherwise known as a shredder.)

astonwest

10-24-2005, 05:51 AM

What's the capacity of a human mouth? If six ounces of glue were squirted into someone's mouth would they have any sort of airway at all?

If I tried to swallow six fluid ounces of pop (about half a can), it would probably be filled up...but I'm not certain how the airway through your nostrils (and the back of your throat) would be affected.

I didn't get an English degree, but most of the English classes I had to take towards my major (rocket science) were literature-based, with a lot of "how did this make you feel?" essays. One has to wonder if learning English basics has fallen out of style at the college level...

reph

10-24-2005, 05:52 AM

Is "quick-bonding" glue and "super-glue" the same stuff? Can Super Glue be described as "paste"?

Does Super Glue come in six ounce containers? What's the capacity of a human mouth? If six ounces of glue were squirted into someone's mouth would they have any sort of airway at all?
"Paste" bothered me too. Glue isn't paste. I also wondered whether glue would stick in a wet mouth, and Ted C. confirmed that it wouldn't.

You know what else? Our beleaguered protagonist must be a compulsive reader beyond anyone's wildest imaginings if he checks the fine print on the glue tube to find out how many ounces it contains while being kidnapped and tortured.

emeraldcite

10-24-2005, 05:54 AM

learning English basics has fallen out of style at the college level...

I promise you that they've fallen out of style at every level.

Dawno

10-24-2005, 06:01 AM

... he checks the fine print on the glue tube to find out how many ounces it contains while being kidnapped and tortured.

Maybe it's a little known manifestation of Stockholm Syndrome?

MacAllister

10-24-2005, 06:16 AM

gads--now I'm off to attempt to put 3/4 cup of water or pop or something all in my mouth without swallowing, just to see....otherwise it's gonna bug me.

tiny

10-24-2005, 06:19 AM

Now playdough, there would have been an image. Six burley men stuffing several colors of that vile smelling dough into your mouth. Stuff of nightmares.

reph

10-24-2005, 06:20 AM

gads--now I'm off to attempt to put 3/4 cup of water or pop or something all in my mouth without swallowing, just to see....otherwise it's gonna bug me.
I already tried. It didn't fit.

Syrra

10-24-2005, 07:49 AM

I love you guys! You are the funniest people ever! I ama so fortunate to be in your presence.

:Clap:

jules

10-24-2005, 02:46 PM

I think you may mean he'll be looking for his Royalty check and wondering where it is?

Nah, there's 12 glowing reviews of his book on BarnesAndNoble.com. Surely those 12 people *must* have bought copies before writing such reviews?

jules

10-24-2005, 02:57 PM

If six ounces of glue were squirted into someone's mouth would they have any sort of airway at all?

I'd have other concerns:

Specific Gravity: 1.05 (H*20=1)
LD50:(ORAL) 12.2 CC/KG
Health Haz Acute And Chronic: ACUTE:IRRITATES EYES, MUCOUS MEMBRANES.

Its density is pretty similar to water, therefore six ounces of it = ~150g = ~150cc, so assuming he weighs around 60 kilos, the hero is up to about 20% of the LD50 for the stuff. He might not die, but it's going to make him pretty ill. He'll definitely have irritated mucous membranes.

Flapdoodle

10-24-2005, 03:33 PM

If I tried to swallow six fluid ounces of pop (about half a can), it would probably be filled up...but I'm not certain how the airway through your nostrils (and the back of your throat) would be affected.

I didn't get an English degree, but most of the English classes I had to take towards my major (rocket science) were literature-based, with a lot of "how did this make you feel?" essays. One has to wonder if learning English basics has fallen out of style at the college level...

I was schooled in the UK during the 1980s, and we never studied any English Grammar at all. I've had to teach myself. We wrote lots of crap essays and did comprehension. Oh, and spelling tests every week.

My wife, on the other hand, went to a private (Fee paying) school and she said she did a lot of English grammar. She remembers doing things like "passive tense" when she was in her early teens.

NeuroFizz

10-24-2005, 04:48 PM

Not to beat a dead horse, but just in case the author's reading these comments, or someone else likes the idea:

This can't happen. Superglue doesn't stick to wet surfaces. I know because I've removed it from someone's eye (it's not smart to keep super-glue in your medicine cabinet next to your eyedrops.) It will stick to skin, eyelashes, and your lips (if they're dry, unlikely if you're in the shower), but not to your eyeball, conjunctiva, tongue, gums, or teeth. And superglue's a liquid, not a paste.

Ted
There are superglues that do stick to wet surfaces. In particular, the new medical super glues do - I've used VetBond to glue a marine critter to a stick so I could film swimming for a biomechanical analysis. VetBond, and human medical versions, are used in place of stitches in some cases (small wounds). Six ounces is crazy, the person would be puking all over the (probably "dawn-blue, crushed-velvet") upholstery in the limo. Sorry, spewing foam-yellow, giblets-chunked stomach-stew... Welcome to hyphen-hell-from-Publish-America.

Bufty

10-24-2005, 05:04 PM

One minute he was at his home in the shower preparing for work. The next minute he was apprehended by a group of eight rowdy individuals whom he did not want to see. Now he was having a type of heartache that he had never experienced before.

Let's work this out and see if I can get a picture. The guy's home is actually in the shower, so either it's a damn big shower, or a tiny house and he's a munchkin. And he's preparing for work so I guess he's a plumber of some sort and laying his gear out. Stage two, a bunch of eight rowdy guys apprehend him - according to the Oxford dictionary that could mean they intercept him in the course of harmful or illicit action. And he didn't want to see them. Hmmm What was he doing in the house in the shower? Now he's having heartache - but not the kind he usually experienced. Eeeuurgh!

Maryn

10-24-2005, 05:15 PM

[Earlier post edited to add a nice big signature line.]

Maryn, who wonders when or if it's appropriate to email Jerome to get hisself back here before he gets too far in on his "next two masterpieces"

Jamesaritchie

10-24-2005, 07:09 PM

I guess I never realized how different schools and colleges are where teaching English is concerned. Our local schools start teach English grammar in sixth grade, and the teaching goes on through tenth grade. Seems like a good thing.

When I went to college, we weren't even allowed to take English Lit until after we could pass a pretty severe English grammar and composition test. Flunk the test, a tough test, and we had to spend as many semesters as necessary to bring our grammar and composition skills up to an appropriate level before we could take a single English Lit course. About forty percent of those who wanted to major in English Lit had to spend a year or more in remedial English and comp classes, and some never did make the cut.

And, Lord, the papers we had to write! One of our first year classes was English, and we had to write a paper each and every morning. Any mistake in grammar or punctuation knocked our grade down a full level.

What, do colleges no loner believe grammar and composition skills are important? I really don't understand it. Especially for a major that's all about grammar and composition.

Jamesaritchie

10-24-2005, 07:55 PM

About the Super Glue. Most commercial tubes are only 3 grams, or 0.11 ounces. Some are even smaller. But if you hunt around, you can find 6 gram and 7 grams tubes. Or you used to be able to do so. I can't help but wonder iof that was the case here, mistaking 6 grams for six ounces?

The largest size I've ever seen is two ounces, and that comes in a bottle, not a tube, and is used by knife and gun makers. You can't just walk into your average Wal-Mart and buy it, either. It's a specialized mix, thinner than regular Super glue so the bottle doesn't get clogged with dried glue a minute or two after it's opened. Two ounces is a LOT of Super Glue.

MadScientistMatt

10-24-2005, 08:31 PM

If you really want an obscene amount of super glue, you can buy it in one pound bottles from an industrial supply house like McMaster-Carr. Expect to pay around $150 a bottle. But I've never seen a six ounce bottle even as an entry in a catalog.

clintl

10-24-2005, 08:37 PM

OMG, this is The Eye of Argon of action-novels!

Richard

10-24-2005, 08:51 PM

Nah, it's toppable. If you want some real unintentional hilarity, look up the Mike Danvers series that Bitpass tries to use as a demo of its power-to-the-people power.

Jamesaritchie

10-24-2005, 08:54 PM

katiemac

10-24-2005, 09:04 PM

One has to wonder if learning English basics has fallen out of style at the college level...

I don't think this is true, at least not at any institutions I've been to lately. My university features a very intensive freshman writing course which is a requirement for every student unless the student received a 650 or higher on SATs. (This score has changed now that they revamped the SATs, so I can't say what the standard is now.)

The course teaches grammar along with how to write specific kinds of papers, and every other course in the university, no matter what the major, stresses writing to the university standards (ie: English 101). As a junior every student is required to take a writing course where the elements of writing are schemed toward their major (business writing, scientific, etc). There is even a biology course which requires each and every student to visit the writing center before turning in a paper. Journalism majors must pass an extensive grammar course before being allowed into the school.

I tutor students in the writing center, and I see students, mostly freshman, with varying skill levels. Some don't know what a thesis is. Others don't know how to use commas. Others can't spell, cite sources, put together a sentence, or write a conclusion. Just the same, there are plenty who visit who do know how to write, and how to write well, but even they can always learn how to write better (as can the rest of us).

The problem with college-level writing courses is not a fault in what they don't teach, but the level of inconsistencies of what the students don't know. It's impossible to cater to the individual needs 25,000 freshman (plus transfer students) every year, when those basics are also a necessity in high school.

goatpiper

10-24-2005, 09:25 PM

I've met enough people who have skated through college without learning much - people who get grades just good enough to pass, then move on, until they can successfully say 'I have a Whatchamacallit degree from Whoozitwhatzit U.' I think you make a choice when you're in an educational situation. You can just process the information you're receiving enough to spit it back out when you need to, or you can apply yourself wholeheartedly and do your best to embed that information in your noggin. I wonder which choice our esteemed novelist made.
Too bad this guy probably isn't reading this thread. Despite the slagging, he could certainly learn a lot.
That's just my humble-bumble 2 sense.

emeraldcite

10-24-2005, 09:28 PM

Whatever happened to good-ole-fashioned suspension of disbelief...is this a new trend we're seeing: an audience of readers without this basic necessity of reading fiction? Or perhaps we're overly-critical these days. Looking back over some of the "masters" of fiction, I sometimes find that the reader I am now looks more for continuity issues (maybe a symptom of being an avid movie trivia follower) and other mistakes...

Dawno

10-24-2005, 09:36 PM

I've just finished reading more excerpts on the author's website. Nope, I don't think I'm being overly critical.

http://www.publishedauthors.net/jbuchanan/ar.html

Jamesaritchie

10-24-2005, 09:38 PM

The problem with college-level writing courses is not a fault in what they don't teach, but the level of inconsistencies of what the students don't know. It's impossible to cater to the individual needs 25,000 freshman (plus transfer students) every year, when those basics are also a necessity in high school.

We have four colleges within a two hour drive of where I live, and all four have pretty strict requirements for English and grammar. Incoming students for any major must pass an English and grammar test, or they must take remedial English.

Students who major in English, English Lit, or creative writing must continually study English and comp, and will take must pass tests each of the four years they attend.

goatpiper

10-24-2005, 09:43 PM

'LITTLE Alverez was sound asleep on the bottom bunk of his twin bed when his life suddenly took an unexpected turn.'

Hmmmm...bottom bunk of a twin bed? There is something absurdly interesting about this person's writing.

goatpiper

10-24-2005, 09:44 PM

Oops...sorry about the big writing...not sure how that happened...

emeraldcite

10-24-2005, 09:54 PM

Nope, I don't think I'm being overly critical.

Not so much with the spam here, but as readers in general. Have we become more critical of what we read, more demanding of quality and accurate content even in the realm of fiction?

I'm certainly not defending his work specifically, but as readers it seems that we allow an author to get away with less. (see the superglue discussion above).

Although, the discussion involving the superglue is more about humor and the possibility of the absurd, these kinds of conversations involving fictional content, both novels and film, are all over the net.

Is this wrong? I don't have an answer and am not arguing either side. Mostly just a question concerning the public as readers...

On a different note: It seems that colleges are trying to fix a problem from the top down. Most of the grammar issues are a result of poor concentration in elementary and middle schools, although this is changing in light of the current testing situations (ie. No Child Left Behind requirements). We've now discovered that the big boom in educating mathematics and science to keep up with the rest of the world left a huge rift in students' abilities to communicate effectively.

Now, the pendulum is swinging in the other direction and I think the current elementary set of students will be better with writing and grammar. For instance, my daughter, who is in first grade, is now studying paragraph structure and basic grammar. What's most noteworthy is that they're using technical terminology to talk about it as well.

I can’t get my college-bound seniors to use an apostrophe correctly or tell the difference between a plural and a possessive. It’s rough going.

FolkloreFanatic

10-24-2005, 10:00 PM

You'd be surprised at the number of Ivy League freshmen who can't write a functional sentence. Every single one has to take Expos, and when comparing essays for critiques, it's easy to gauge the average level of aptitude. True, many are foreign students who will study the sciences, but there are plenty of Americans who don't use spell-check, can't recognize bad grammar or syntax, and write essays so bland and unoriginal that they would have failed my high school English classes.

The worse part of this is that if you happen to be stuck with an extremely subjective teacher who dislikes your personal style, you're screwed no matter how few sentences you mess up.

~FF, from the school of HARd knocks.

katiemac

10-24-2005, 10:02 PM

Incoming students for any major must pass an English and grammar test, or they must take remedial English.

Students who major in English, English Lit, or creative writing must continually study English and comp, and will take must pass tests each of the four years they attend.

I agree it should a requirement for English majors to take grammar and composition exams yearly. I admit I'm not positive on the requirements at my school for the English major, only because I don't know anyone in it. I do know several students enrolled in the Journalism school, which is very rigorous when it comes to writing and grammar. Similiar to what you mentioned, students are knocked down grades for having grammar or punctuation mistakes.

I think the remedial English course like you described is the intent of my university's introductory course. I do think it would be beneficial to have English placement exams, similiar to mathematics one we have here. There are a few gradiants when it comes to English, depending on how a student placed on SATs. We also offer an ESL course, too. But I also don't think the SATs are a good margin for a student's knowledge, anyway. The new essay may be an addition to improve that, but it will take quite a few years to know if anything has changed.

Again, I don't think it's entirely a fault of the collegiate level when it comes to students' knowledge of English. The differences in what is taught could also depend on whether the college is public or private (mine, still a very good school, is public). In regards with what I'm familiar with, public high and middle schools have been putting an emphasis on science and mathematics for years in terms of what makes a good education.

Quite a few ideas to keep in mind, though, as I sit in classes for three more years.

Dawno

10-24-2005, 10:11 PM

Not so much with the spam here, but as readers in general. Have we become more critical of what we read, more demanding of quality and accurate content even in the realm of fiction?

...

Is this wrong? I don't have an answer and am not arguing either side. Mostly just a question concerning the public as readers...

Good points. I am probably less critical than I used to be. I want to enjoy a break from reality when I read fiction. I'm willing to forgive some factual, um, improbabilities. I grew up reading the SF Masters (every library card in that section of my home town library has my juvenile scrawl on it). I knew about willing suspension of disbelief way before I had heard the phrase.

That said, I don't think I can grant a complete waiver to fiction. I want an engaging story, characters that are three dimensional (did that need a hyphen? I'm spooked about hyphens now) and a plot that doesn't need an atlas to navigate through. I read Da Vinci Code and decided to just enjoy it for what it was. I read Stephenson just to prove I can. :)

My favorite writing is stuff that throws reality out the window - Discworld novels, The Hitchhikers Guide books.

Jamesaritchie

10-24-2005, 10:19 PM

I do think the primary fault is at the lower grade level. A student who doesn't understand basic grammar and comp shouldn't be passed on to the next grade. And ultimately, the fault lies at home. Even if the parent knows nothing at all about grammar and comp, that parent can still put pressure on the local schools to make certain the kids do.

I do think we went through a very long period where many "experts" decided grammar and composition skills weren't going to be needed in the future because computers would take care of these things for students. We've now learned the reverse is true, and I do believe emphasis on grammar and composition skills are again on the rise.

goatpiper

10-24-2005, 10:23 PM

Emeraldcite - I think writers are more critical of accuracy than the normal reading public, although there are probably plenty of non-writers out there that are equally as critical. There are still many out there that aren't demanding such hardcore accuracy.
For example...I'm a film geek (a direct result of hanging out with film majors when I was in college). I automatically pick out inaccuracies in films far more readily than my wife does. Same thing goes for the books we read. I don't need to go through either the movie or book we both experience with a fine-toothed comb to see this stuff, I'm just trained (for lack of a better word) to pick it out as a matter of course. I guess it just depends on the person. I think the internet has contributed immensely to the growing population of intensely critical people, since everyone is able to share their perspectives more readily and broadly than in the past. I do think that there are plenty of people out there (like my wife) who place less demands on novels and films than perhaps we (the writers on this forum) might.

Jamesaritchie

10-24-2005, 10:24 PM

My-Immortal

10-24-2005, 11:51 PM

Not so much with the spam here, but as readers in general. Have we become more critical of what we read, more demanding of quality and accurate content even in the realm of fiction?

I'm certainly not defending his work specifically, but as readers it seems that we allow an author to get away with less. (see the superglue discussion above).

Is this wrong? I don't have an answer and am not arguing either side. Mostly just a question concerning the public as readers...

Usually the first couple of days after getting a rejection letter I am VERY critical of the quality of fiction, especially fantasy (what I write). I've picked up books that leave me wondering...why is this published and my own work rejected? I'm not saying that I'm a great writer. I'm still striving for "good", but when I read the excerpt from the 'published' book above I gagged. THAT is published?! Of course, after a few moments of trying to keep my meal down (and cursing the publishing gods) I realized it was "published" by Publish America. Ahhhhhhh. Poor guy. He's probably very proud of himself. On top of that, it seems he found a slew of friends to read his book and provide him with glowing endorsements. Are they in his 'writing circle', I wonder?

Okay...enough goofing off. I should probably get back to writing. :)

maestrowork

10-25-2005, 05:32 AM

He had me at 'TENSIONS were heated." Is he and Travis Tea related?

reph

10-25-2005, 06:33 AM

Is he and Travis Tea related?
Maybe they is.

AncientEagle

10-25-2005, 08:09 AM

As the holder of a degree in English, I winced to learn of the company I'm keeping. But I consider the matter of a degree irrelevant in this specific case. My mother, now deceased, had a seventh grade education acquired in a one-room school. But she loved to read, that activity most of us agree is vital to writing. Consequently, although she probably could not have defined "verb" or "participle" or any of that stuff, she could write coherently and even gracefully. Were she alive today and exposed to "Penitentiary Pacific," she would die all over again from laughing. Anyone with an interest in writing, regardless of level of formal education, ought to do far better than "PP."

On the other hand, I reject the criticism of tension heaters in limousines. I always request them in my limousine, just in case I need my tensions to be kept warm until I get to the party. There are few things more annoying than warmed-over tensions. (Hyphen okay?)

maestrowork

10-25-2005, 09:19 AM

You'd be surprised at the number of Ivy League freshmen who can't write a functional sentence. Every single one has to take Expos, and when comparing essays for critiques, it's easy to gauge the average level of aptitude. True, many are foreign students who will study the sciences, but there are plenty of Americans who don't use spell-check, can't recognize bad grammar or syntax, and write essays so bland and unoriginal that they would have failed my high school English classes.

There are no excuses. If a foreign student like me could write grammatically correct, logical (no "bottom bunk of a twin bed" or "heated tensions") and well-worded sentences, it's unfathomable that a native speaker could go through 4 years of college -- with a degree in English, no less -- and write something like this. Shame.

Tiaga

10-25-2005, 10:37 AM

There are no excuses. If a foreign student like me could write grammatically correct, logical (no "bottom bunk of a twin bed" or "heated tensions") and well-worded sentences, it's unfathomable that a native speaker could go through 4 years of college -- with a degree in English, no less -- and write something like this. Shame.

Oh sure soon as somethings wrong it always gets blamed on the Indians!

brokenfingers

10-25-2005, 03:55 PM

Not so much with the spam here, but as readers in general. Have we become more critical of what we read, more demanding of quality and accurate content even in the realm of fiction?

I'm not sure about readers, as in the general bestseller-reading public, but I do believe writers and those who study the craft of writing - basically everyone on this forum - are more critical.

I know this is true of myself. My taste, in books and even movies, has definitely changed over the past few years. One of the first how-to books I read (can't remember which one) said this would happen and doggone if it hasn't.

Andrew Jameson

10-25-2005, 04:15 PM

Whatever happened to good-ole-fashioned suspension of disbelief...is this a new trend we're seeing: an audience of readers without this basic necessity of reading fiction? Or perhaps we're overly-critical these days....I believe you're thinking of suspending the wrong disbelief. As a reader, I'm willing to suspend disbelief for the huge lies, the really gargantuan whoppers: I'll believe magic works if you ask me to; I'll believe in faster-than-light travel; I'll believe in super-secret internaional organizations.

I'll even believe that someone's built a maximum-security prison in the bedrock beneath the Pacific Ocean. (Think about this for a moment. Why the heck would anyone spend the money required to build a prison beneath the Pacific Ocean? Objectively, that's pretty stupid and uneconomical.) I'm willing to suspend my belief of that, as long as everything else is plausible.

And there's where the spammer in question went wrong. I'll believe a subterranean submarine prison, but I won't believe in non-existant tubes of superglue.

Maryn

10-25-2005, 06:25 PM

Dawno: "I want an engaging story, characters that are three dimensional (did that need a hyphen? I'm spooked about hyphens now) and a plot that doesn't need an atlas to navigate through."

AncientEagle: "There are few things more annoying than warmed-over tensions. (Hyphen okay?)"

You mean your moms didn't Scotch tape grammar lessons to the bathroom mirror or next to the toilet? (I told you all I was sick in this respect!) This was in the kids' bathroom when they were young teenagers. (They do not make many grammar mistakes. I can't imagine why.)

-----

COMPOUND ADJECTIVES: A compound adjective is formed when two (or more) words are used together to describe or modify a noun.
TEMPORARY COMPOUND ADJECTIVES: A temporary compound adjective is formed when the two words together assume a different meaning than their separate meanings. Writers who form temporary compounds should generally hyphenate them when they are used as adjectives and appear before the noun. If the compound adjective appears after the noun, hyphenate only if it’s needed for clarity.

Examples of compound adjectives (all hyphenated because they are both temporary and come before the noun): hard-nosed boss, ill-fated voyage, mass-produced shoes, wacked-out psycho, thrown-together salad, up-to-the-minute news.

TO TEST: Have you created a compound adjective, or just put two or more descriptive words together? To check, see if you can remove words without making nonsense or changing the meaning of the remaining word. A tall frosty glass of beer still makes sense if either ‘tall’ or ‘frosty’ is removed, while blue-ribbon pie requires both ‘blue’ and ‘ribbon’ and should therefore be hyphenated because it comes before the noun 'pie.'

-----

So, both AncientEagle and Dawno had it right.

Maryn, who hopes their confidence is restored and they both hyphenate themselves silly from this point forward

Dawno

10-25-2005, 07:13 PM

Thanks Maryn, who teaches grammar nicely.

I'll admit that my admiration for older works of English lit. makes hyper-hyphenation look nearly normal. To say Nothing of a Fondness for oddly placed Capitalization....

Jamesaritchie

10-25-2005, 07:23 PM

On the other hand, I reject the criticism of tension heaters in limousines. I always request them in my limousine, just in case I need my tensions to be kept warm until I get to the party. There are few things more annoying than warmed-over tensions. (Hyphen okay?)

I think you're just trying to keep up with the Jones. One guy gets himself a tension heater, and now you have to have one, too.

Aconite

10-25-2005, 07:38 PM

I think you're just trying to keep up with the Jones.

Which Jones is that? Dang it, did I miss a character?

AncientEagle

10-25-2005, 07:39 PM

I think you're just trying to keep up with the Jones. One guy gets himself a tension heater, and now you have to have one, too.

You caught me flat-hyphen-footed. So I'll go ahead and confess - I'm on my way out the door to go see if I can find a 6 oz bottle of Super-glue.

KimJo

10-25-2005, 08:43 PM

Which Jones is that? Dang it, did I miss a character?

Maybe Jones is the limo. If there can be a Volkswagen named Herbie...

Liam Jackson

10-25-2005, 08:57 PM

I-can see-clearly, -now-, the-pain has-stopped.

**Bottom bunks of twin cribs.

**Gallon-size containers of an eyeball sticking, pasty superglue.

**Tension Heaters™ (Can you get these little rascals for a 1974 Gremlin?)

*Super coolers (maximum security prisons built along the bottom of the Luzon Strait

**Terrorists wielding laser-guided lassos (*laser-guided* is my own modest contribution)

** Encrypted algorithms in the form of hyphens that pinpoint the exact location of the Ark of the Covenant (another modest plot arch contribution from yours truly)

The Publisher inadvertently mislabeled the genre as "action thriller."
It's clearly a techno-fantasy. Another milestone for PrintAmerica!

Brilliant! (Now, pass the Guinness)

Jamesaritchie

10-25-2005, 09:11 PM

I

**Tension Heaters™ (Can you get these little rascals for a 1974 Gremlin?)

I believe a '74 Gremlin is a tension heater. I know my tension got hot last time I rode in one.

reph

10-25-2005, 09:46 PM

You mean your moms didn't Scotch tape grammar lessons to the bathroom mirror or next to the toilet? (I told you all I was sick in this respect!) This was in the kids' bathroom when they were young teenagers.
Mental associations acquired in youth are hard to shake. Now I know why Maryn's kids start diagramming sentences whenever their bladders are full.

ChunkyC

10-25-2005, 10:25 PM

For an instant when I started reading the first post in this thread, I thought the long-anticipated sequel to Atlanta Nights had finally arrived.

*insert pool of limpid sighs here*

PS -- I can't shake the image of nine men in a shower....

maestrowork

10-25-2005, 10:28 PM

PS -- I can't shake the image of nine men in a shower....

CC! Thank goodness we're not in church!

p.s. reminds me not to post any of my own scribbling on AW... you guys are ruthless!

Maryn

10-25-2005, 10:42 PM

I can't shake the image of nine men in a shower....Me, either.

Maryn, sighing as limpidly as possible

My-Immortal

10-26-2005, 12:41 AM

You caught me flat-hyphen-footed. So I'll go ahead and confess - I'm on my way out the door to go see if I can find a 6 oz bottle of Super-glue.

I actually needed some Superglue so I went out today to buy some. Darn it if I couldn't find a 6 oz bottle. I couldn't even find anything close to that size. Maybe they sell those types of things at terrorist shops and I don't think we have any of those in our city. We don't have showers big enough to hold nine people either. No tension heaters...

This sucks.

LOL :)

ChunkyC

10-26-2005, 01:23 AM

Me, either.

Maryn, sighing as limpidly as possible
I get the distinct impression we're not imagining the same thing.... http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/wink.gif

Mistook

10-26-2005, 03:07 AM

"The air-conditioner in the limousine was on full throttle but sweat was still irrigating uncontrollably from the pores of Sterlin's face. His stringy blonde hair was drenched with perspiration and his respiration was corroded."

While heating tensions, it's always a good idea to keep an eye on the A/C throttle. The competing cold and warm fronts within the limo can corrode a persons respiration.

In new limos, the A/C throttle has been replaced with an ordinary knob to prevent just this kind of health hazard.

Vomaxx

10-26-2005, 07:57 AM

Mr. Buchanan's e-mail address is not hard to find: he is a member of Writers Net. I am not sure if it would be a good idea to direct his attention to this thread, though.

Dawno

10-26-2005, 08:31 AM

I was at a certain store with a logo that looks like a bullseye today and I needed a bottle of carpenter's glue. I didn't see any 6 oz. bottles of quick bonding or super glue either.

Uncontrollable irrigation can be cured with a low-fat-high-fiber-diet, I hear.

FolkloreFanatic

10-26-2005, 08:34 AM

Mr. Buchanan's e-mail address is not hard to find: he is a member of Writers Net. I am not sure if it would be a good idea to direct his attention to this thread, though.

DO IT. Doooooo eeeet.

I've seen nine people in a shower before, but it was a washing-the-horse-*&^%-off-your-hair-before-it-congeals type of shower.

Damn, I missed my hypen quota!

...

h-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e

There.

Mistook

10-26-2005, 08:42 AM

I've seen nine people in a shower before, but it was a washing-the-horse-*&^%-off-your-hair-before-it-congeals type of shower.

Cuz everybody know's what that situation is all about. :confused:

?

mdin

10-26-2005, 08:47 AM

Man, this thread is brutal. I feel sorry for the poor guy. After all, it was PublishAmerica that led him to believe his book was in publishable shape.

Euan H.

10-26-2005, 10:08 AM

Spam not, lest ye be slammed.

Here endeth the lesson.

FolkloreFanatic

10-26-2005, 10:13 AM

Cuz everybody know's what that situation is all about. :confused:

What, you mean you've never been to a YMCA summer camp before? ;)

Man, this thread is brutal. I feel sorry for the poor guy. After all, it was PublishAmerica that led him to believe his book was in publishable shape.

I feel sorry for him, too. And in the grand tradition of Al Franken, I mock those I pity the most.

Mistook

10-26-2005, 10:52 AM

What, you mean you've never been to a YMCA summer camp before? ;) ...

...I feel sorry for him, too. And in the grand tradition of Al Franken, I mock those I pity the most.

And this whole thing about the summer camp... is... not to be pitied... in your estimation?

:Huh:

FolkloreFanatic

10-26-2005, 11:14 AM

And this whole thing about the summer camp... is... not to be pitied... in your estimation?

Two completely different quote responses in the same post...whoosa-jigga-wha?:Huh:

Liam Jackson

10-26-2005, 12:23 PM

Man, this thread is brutal. I feel sorry for the poor guy. After all, it was PublishAmerica that led him to believe his book was in publishable shape.

No doubt PA also encouraged him to spam the release on every writers site in the known universe, calling such tactics "legit marketing tools."

jules

10-26-2005, 02:21 PM

Probably even in this book (http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/shopdisplayproducts.asp?catalogid=3317) that they try to sucker their authors into buying.

gp101

10-26-2005, 03:40 PM

Now he was having a type of heartache that he had never experienced before.

A Dick Cheney novel??

KTC

10-26-2005, 03:49 PM

I can't stop laughing. I think now that it is safe to say that we have been to the funeral and we are now enjoying our time at the after funeral party. I just can't seem to find the caterers with those damn little sandwiches! Garcon! Garcon! I need an evian! Could somebody please put a sheet over that mirror!

jbuchanan rest in pieces

gp101

10-26-2005, 04:24 PM

Has anybody here posted any of the kind words at this "author's" B&N link? They're quite flowery. Would it be disingenuous to post a review regarding just the passages we've read? I think the average reader lurking at B&N should find better reviews to examine before forking over $24 for the paperback.

Would this be considered a public service announcement? Is it tax-deductible?

KTC

10-26-2005, 04:26 PM

lol. Just publish a link to this thread at B&N. That would be helpful.

Andrew Jameson

10-26-2005, 05:09 PM

Seriously? No, don't bother. Hardly anyone's going to shell out twenty five bucks for a paperback, anyway. Those that consider sheeling out the cash will fall into two categories: the ones who might be swayed by a writing critique and the ones who won't.

Posting a critique won't influence those in the latter category. And, for those in the former, the excerpt on the B&N website is a more powerful statement than any critique.

As much as I think the spammer got what he deserved here, carrying the "feud" (for lack of a better word) to another site is in poor taste and could be looked at as more "evidence" that PA authors are being persecuted.

Aconite

10-26-2005, 05:22 PM

As much as I think the spammer got what he deserved here, carrying the "feud" (for lack of a better word) to another site is in poor taste and could be looked at as more "evidence" that PA authors are being persecuted.
I cast my vote with Andrew. It's one thing to give a spammer what he's earned for himself on your own board, and another to follow him around and rub his face in it.

emeraldcite

10-26-2005, 09:29 PM

I think it's about time to close this thread. Although the spam got what it deserved, there is no reason to post links of this thread elsewhere or send him a link. I'm sure if he's interested in finding out the responses to his posts, he'll come back. Hopefully we all use our senses of good judgment in this matter. I'd hate to have to delete it completely from the board.

jbuchanan

11-25-2005, 11:20 PM

I first and foremost would like to say thank you very much to all of the members out there who commented on my original PENITENTIARY PACIFIC post. Thanks for making my post so hot that it has received 2506 views! I found out about the responses to my post from viewers who'd learned about my book from viewing your remarks. Over fifty people have emailed me saying that they bought my novel because of that post thread, and they were all thoroughly satisfied and happy with PENITENTIARY PACIFIC.

I am extremely happy to have entertained and made all of the fake-critics out there happy, after all, I get paid to entertain. In this case, payment for the entertainment was reciprocated by mutual laughter and entertainment from all of your critiques! So, THANKS TO ALL YOU HATERS!!

It amazes me at how many mentally analog people there are out there in this digital world (most of you, according to the mentality that you've displayed, are already lost as far as comprehending what I'm saying). Anyway, most of you guys and gals out there who commented are whack(corny and outdated), and have no creativity whatsoever. Since when do analogies have to have occurred to be valid? "I've never seen a deer cornered in a lion's den", was said by one of the rookie-critics out there. And? Does that mean that a deer wouldn't be frightened if trapped in a lion's den, just because you've never seen it? Of course not! The deer would be trembling with fear, just as if any of you would be if I popped up behind you on a dark night! But I'll address all of, or most of, you all's insignificant critiques later on in this enlightening essay.

I know deep down you all are intrigued and you love my sh!, but you hate 'spammers'. But in actuality, almost everyone is a spammer, whether it is paid spamming, free spamming, or shameless corny-a$$ quotes as footers on your AW profiles. It's all advertising, whether a product or whether advertising your own archaic exsistence. Don't get mad because I've got that next level fiction sh! Even one of the moron evaluators out there inadvertently admitted that he's read that my type of fiction is the future of creative literature. ha-ha... I already knew that!

Anyhow, I know that 85% of people (98% of the people who commented) are nowhere near on my level of intelligence and understanding, so it does not surprise me that my style of literature is way over yours heads. But I sincerely do love and always welcome opinions and critiques about my writing. But at least have some type of validity in your analysis. I mean, if you're going to dissect my literature, at least be worthy! Which now leads me to address some of your amusing, yet bland reviews.

Now. Any hygienic human would agree that taking a shower is a crucial element in the process of a person's morning preperation for work. So, you know what the assumption is about the person who commented "How does one prepare for work in the shower". I smell you! lol!
Next, for those with one-dimensional mind frames (most of the rent-a-critics who commented), things that are lassoed together, can represent being things that are tied up after being lassoed. duh! Also, the tension heater remarks! Chapter six starts off saying 'Tensions were heated in the back of the...' Tensions were heated. How dumb do you have to be to not understand that? It means that someone had a lot of anxiety in the back of the limousine (if you still don't understand then too bad!).
Also, in the future please do your research before revealing your lack of knowledge. As one of the few semi-intelligent(I love those hyphens!) people who commented notated, "There are superglues that do stick to wet surfaces. In particular, the new medical super glues do". ha-ha, dumba$$es! And, who cares if you don't have a Sam's Club in the country towns that you reside in, and therefore have never heard of a six ounce tube of superglue. So what! It exists! And even more, if you read correctly, 'Sterlin initially coughed up most of the superglue'.
Most of your critiques are totally stupid, for example... "The avenue was long and empty? Wow." Some do not understand that the view down some avenues at night can look long and dark. Simple as that, even a retard can understand.
And oh yeah, for the record, most-of-the-hyphens-are-edited-in-the-actual-novel. lol!!!
The rest of the you all's remarks are too dim-witted(oh, did I use another hyphen? I love it!) to even address. But you get the picture.

SO IN CONCLUSION, YOU HATERS BETTER GET ON YOUR JOB. YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOOD AT IT! GET YOUR WEIGHT UP SUCKERS!!! HOLLA BACK IF YOU WANT MORE, I CAN GO ON FOR YEARS... UFCK WITH ME IF YOU DARE!

:box: :box: :box: :box: :box: :box:

:box: :box: :box: :box: :box:

TO EVERYONE ELSE, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

http://www.publishedauthors.net/jbuchanan/index.html

Richard

11-25-2005, 11:21 PM

What are you drivelling about?

Aconite

11-25-2005, 11:22 PM

I suspect JB's post will soon be deleted for rudeness. It's one thing to disagree with negative critiques, and another to call your critics names.

Ken Schneider

11-26-2005, 01:21 AM

I haven't responded to you prior to now, but will. I have no idea what PENITENTIARY PACIFIC is, but assume it is your published novel.

It appears from your post that you are a great writer and sell many books. With this thought in mind, you are miles ahead of any published author here, and don't need anything that Absolute write has to offer writers.

Continued great success,
Good luck

aadams73

11-26-2005, 01:30 AM

Good luck with PA, almost, you sound well suited to be "published" by them.

scarletpeaches

11-26-2005, 03:41 AM

Right, and you just had to post that here in case some of us HADN'T already gone into a coma with boredom at the PMs you spammed us all with.

Face it. You are a very bad writer with no manners. No one says this out of jealousy or envy, but because it is the truth. Now be a good boy and go away, learn some manners and THEN come back.

If you are as secure in your 'talents' as you claim to be, there should be no need to rub our noses in it. Your 'success' should speak for itself. It doesn't. Get over it.

loquax

11-26-2005, 03:50 AM

The first major hurdle in writing is to view your work objectively. You can't win the race if you fall at the first hurdle.

Sage

11-26-2005, 03:53 AM

I'm sure this will be deleted just like the exact same post you already wrote here, just under a different name. Get over yourself & go find something more productive to do with your time.

Christine N.

11-26-2005, 03:55 AM

Sorry, I didn't read any of your work, but from the examples you posted, I see you need basic lessons in both writing and manners. Take criticism as it is given- in good faith. Remember, critiques are only ever one persons opinion, and not supposed to be personal, unlike your post above.

Come back when you grow up.

emeraldcite

11-26-2005, 03:55 AM

Your fifty sold copies are not impressive. I'm going to let this one open and allow everyone here to react to your message. I hope you enjoy reading the comments. You can have the spotlight.

You're just like my high school students who try really hard to get attention, but are really embarassed once they get it. You originally spammed the boards and didn't like the reactions you received. Now you insult people.

Maybe this will show up in google everytime someone searches your book title. I believe it will show the world exactly the kind of person you are.

Good luck with your book. I'm sure it'll go far.

Christine N.

11-26-2005, 03:59 AM

I would also suggest a trip to Uncle Jim's writing thread. Start at the beginning, read all the way through, repeat. And go buy a copy of "Self-Editing for Fiction writers". Most of the mistakes I see that other people pointed out are outlined in that book, and how to fix them.

We ALL need a little help. YOU are no exception.

Richard

11-26-2005, 04:08 AM

Fun fact, that diatribe sounds almost as good when spoken by the Swedish Chef.
______

I furst und furemust vuoold leeke-a tu sey thunk yuoo fery mooch tu ell ooff zee members oooot zeere-a vhu cummented oon my ooreeginel PENITENTIERY PECIFIC pust. Um de hur de hur de hur. Thunks fur mekeeng my pust su hut thet it hes receeefed 2506 feeoos! I fuoond oooot ebuoot zee respunses tu my pust frum feeooers vhu'd leerned ebuoot my buuk frum feeooing yuoor remerks. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Oofer feeffty peuple-a hefe-a imeeeled me-a seyeeng thet zeey buooght my nufel becoose-a ooff thet pust threed, und zeey vere-a ell thuruooghly seteesffied und heppy veet PENITENTIERY PECIFIC. I em ixtremely heppy tu hefe-a interteeened und mede-a ell ooff zee feke-a-creetics oooot zeere-a heppy, effter ell, I get peeed tu interteeen. Bork bork bork! In thees cese-a, peyment fur zee interteeenment ves receepruceted by mootooel looghter und interteeenment frum ell ooff yuoor creetiqooes! Su, THENKS TO ELL YOOo HETERS!! It emezes me-a et hoo muny mentelly unelug peuple-a zeere-a ere-a oooot zeere-a in thees deegitel vurld (must ooff yuoo, eccurdeeng tu zee menteleety thet yuoo'fe-a deespleyed, ere-a elreedy lust es fer es cumprehendeeng vhet I'm seyeeng). Unyvey, must ooff yuoo gooys und gels oooot zeere-a vhu cummented ere-a vheck(curny und ooootdeted), und hefe-a nu creeteefity vhetsuefer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Seence-a vhee du unelugeees hefe-a tu hefe-a ooccoorred tu be-a feleed? "I'fe-a nefer seee a deer curnered in a leeun's dee", ves seeed by oone-a ooff zee ruukeee-a-creetics oooot zeere-a. Und? Dues thet meun thet a deer vuooldn't be-a freeghtened iff trepped in a leeun's dee, joost becoose-a yuoo'fe-a nefer seee it? Ooff cuoorse-a nut! Zee deer vuoold be-a trembleeng veet feer, joost es iff uny ooff yuoo vuoold be-a iff I pupped up beheend yuoo oon a derk neeght! Boot I'll eddress ell ooff, oor must ooff, yuoo ell's inseegnifficunt creetiqooes leter oon in thees inleeghtening issey. Bork bork bork! I knoo deep doon yuoo ell ere-a intreegooed und yuoo lufe-a my sh!, boot yuoo hete-a 'spemmers'. Boot in ectooeleety, elmust iferyune-a is a spemmer, vhezeer it is peeed spemmeeng, free-a spemmeeng, oor shemeless curny-a$$ qooutes es fuuters oon yuoor EV pruffeeles. Um gesh dee bork, bork! It's ell edferteesing, vhezeer a prudooct oor vhezeer edferteesing yuoor oovn ercheeec ixseestence-a. Dun't get med becoose-a I'fe-a gut thet next lefel feecshun sh! Ifee oone-a ooff zee murun ifelooeturs oooot zeere-a inedfertently edmeetted thet he's reed thet my type-a ooff feecshun is zee footoore-a ooff creeteefe-a leeteretoore-a. ha-ha... I elreedy knoo thet! Unyhoo, I knoo thet 85% ooff peuple-a (98% ooff zee peuple-a vhu cummented) ere-a noohere-a neer oon my lefel ooff intelleegence-a und understundeeng, su it dues nut soorpreese-a me-a thet my style-a ooff leeteretoore-a is vey oofer yuoors heeds. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Boot I seencerely du lufe-a und elveys velcume-a oopeeniuns und creetiqooes ebuoot my vreeting. Boot et leest hefe-a sume-a type-a ooff feleedity in yuoor unelysees. Um gesh dee bork, bork! I meun, iff yuoo're-a gueeng tu deessect my leeteretoore-a, et leest be-a vurthy! Vheech noo leeds me-a tu eddress sume-a ooff yuoor emooseeng, yet blund refeeoos. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Noo. Uny hygeeenic hoomun vuoold egree-a thet tekeeng a shooer is a crooceeel ilement in zee prucess ooff a persun's murneeng prepereshun fur vurk. Su, yuoo knoo vhet zee essoompshun is ebuoot zee persun vhu cummented "Hoo dues oone-a prepere-a fur vurk in zee shooer". I smell yuoo! lul! Next, fur thuse-a veet oone-a-deemensiunel meend fremes (must ooff zee rent-a-creetics vhu cummented), theengs thet ere-a lessued tugezeer, cun represent beeeng theengs thet ere-a teeed up effter beeeng lessued. Bork bork bork! dooh! Elsu, zee tenseeun heeter remerks! Chepter seex sterts ooffff seyeeng 'Tenseeuns vere-a heeted in zee beck ooff zee...' Tenseeuns vere-a heeted. Bork bork bork! Hoo doomb du yuoo hefe-a tu be-a tu nut understund thet? It meuns thet sumeune-a hed a lut ooff unxeeety in zee beck ooff zee leemuoosine-a (iff yuoo steell dun't understund zeen tuu bed!). Elsu, in zee footoore-a pleese-a du yuoor reseerch beffure-a refeeleeng yuoor leck ooff knooledge-a. Es oone-a ooff zee foo semee-intelleegent(I lufe-a thuse-a hyphens!) peuple-a vhu cummented nuteted, "Zeere-a ere-a sooperglooes thet du steeck tu vet soorffeces. Um gesh dee bork, bork! In perteecooler, zee noo medeecel sooper glooes du". ha-ha, doomba$$is! Und, vhu ceres iff yuoo dun't hefe-a a Sem's Cloob in zee cuoontry toons thet yuoo reseede-a in, und zeereffure-a hefe-a nefer heerd ooff a seex oooonce-a toobe-a ooff sooperglooe-a. Su vhet! It ixeests! Und ifee mure-a, iff yuoo reed currectly, 'Sterleen ineetielly cuooghed up must ooff zee sooperglooe'. Must ooff yuoor creetiqooes ere-a tutelly stoopeed, fur ixemple-a... "Zee efenooe-a ves lung und impty? Voo." Sume-a du nut understund thet zee feeoo doon sume-a efenooes et neeght cun luuk lung und derk. Seemple-a es thet, ifee a reterd cun understund. Bork bork bork! Und ooh yeeh, fur zee recurd, must-ooff-zee-hyphens-ere-a-ideeted-in-zee-ectooel-nufel. lul!!! Zee rest ooff zee yuoo ell's remerks ere-a tuu deem-veetted(ooh, deed I use-a unuzeer hyphee? I lufe-a it!) tu ifee eddress. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Boot yuoo get zee peectoore-a. SO IN CONCLOoSION, YOOo HETERS BETTER GET OoN YOOoR JOB. YOOo'RE NOT IFEN GOOD ET IT! GET YOOoR VEIGHT UP SOoCKERS!!! HOLLA BECK IF YOOo VENT MORE, I CEN GO OoN FOR YEERS... UFCK VITH ME IF YOOo DERE!