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Zoombie
08-31-2011, 01:37 PM
Also known as "I am a terrible person who must be stopped."

But, I had an idea for a book. A vampire book.

A young adult vampire book.

Our hero - Danny - is an average kid with a happy life. He's got a girl (she's in color guard) and he's got place as second sax in Marching Band. His college prospects are good, and most everyone seems to like him.

Then he's hit by a car and left choking to death on his own blood in the middle of the street. That's when he meets Lesley.

Lesley is sex on legs. She's tall, leggy, has huge.......tracts of land, and perfect skin. She's also 200 years old and a vampire. And, more than that, she's a good Samaritan. So she offers Danny a choice. And as that choice is between death and NOT death, Danny picks the option that involves his blood being sucked by a sexy vampire.

When he sits up, he's stronger, tougher, sexier and has fangs.

Danny is a vampire.

Unfortunately, Danny has a few misconceptions about being a vampire. For one thing, sunlight does not cause them to burst into flames. It just gives them one bitching headache and causes them to age naturally and lose most of their vampire-fu (Danny's word for it).

For another thing, vampires don't actually suck blood.

See, uh, the blood concept was actually a change made by Bram's editor. They thought the truth was a bit too, well, how to put it...

Risque?

See, vampires sustain themselves on the metaphysical life force of human beings. And that has always been most potent in the..."immaculate acts of conception and the fluid discharge involved therein", as Lesley puts it.

Semen. Basically. Well, eggs too, but women have only so much and it's WAY harder to get at.

Danny - being straight - is...not entirely thrilled (to say the least). But he's stuck with it. So he's got to juggle his girlfriend, his worries about being unfaithful to her, his concerns about his own sexuality, his school finals, and the fact that a roving gang of homophobic hunters has started to track him down.

So, I have the following questions.

Exactly how completely impossible will this be to publish?

(I'm pretty sure it's up there with my last YA urban fantasy, which has a bisexual, bigendered hermaphrodite solving crimes in terms of completely unpublishable, purely for the sex content alone...)

And furthermore, is it just me or does this not just make a whole hell lot of sense. Why else are vampires so goddamn sexy?

And...ya know...

Fabulous!

:D

God I'm going straight to hell...

missesdash
08-31-2011, 01:49 PM
I just want you to know I was screaming by the end of this post. Oh man, I spit my french fries everywhere.

Isn't this the set up to a porno? Does he have to drink the semen?

Zoombie
08-31-2011, 01:51 PM
Yes. He must drink the semen.

No, this is not a set up to a porn. But it easily could be.

I was thinking MAYBE I could get around it by being really non-explicit and play up the farcical nature of it.

...like, I don't know, licking used socks he steals from closets.

PLEASE! STOP ME! I CAN'T HELP MYSELF!

missesdash
08-31-2011, 01:57 PM
I guess licking semen-crusted socks is not quite as bad as gokkun.
If there's even a scale for that type of thing.

I'm sure there's someone out there who could get pumped up about something so subversive.

Zoombie
08-31-2011, 01:59 PM
I also had a think that vampires who drink blood get...well, kind of evil and crazy.

For a totally not subtle commentary on american treatment of sex versus violence.

areteus
08-31-2011, 02:01 PM
So, if the semen is required for the process of sustaining vampiric existence, why does she need to suck his blood to make him a vampire? Seems a fundamental error in the metaphysics there to me...

Though one thing does occur to me, this is a possible reason why so many religions are against the concepts of both extra-marital sex (and promiscuity in general) as well as the specifics of gay sex. Both of these religious rules (neither of which are particularly well covered in the bible apart from a couple of flimsy and easily interpreted differently parables) would have the effect of severely limiting these creatures' feeding opportunities. Until, of course, the modern day when the majority tend to ignore them and so there can be a population explosion of these vampires (starting somewhere in the 60s...). Though, of course, I am aware that everyone ignored the religious rules on sex all through history as I am sure several historians will point out (well, my wife keeps telling me that it is a misconception to assume no one had premarital sex or extra-marital sex until modern times :) )

One thing to be aware of, however, is the possibility that something you consider to be edgy and daring may well end up coming across as silly and juvenile if not handled carefully. I am always reminded of the 'orgasm alien' in Torchwood and how that was generally received by viewers... such things have a tendancy to trigger peoples paroxysm generators :)

Zoombie
08-31-2011, 02:04 PM
Well, he THOUGHT that she was going to suck his blood, and he wasn't exactly in any state of mind to really notice what was going on, what with the collapsed lungs and broken ripcage and horrible agony.

And, no, I don't think this is actually edgy or daring. I think it's silly and juvenile.

It's supposed to be a sex-romp. I guess it might work better as erotica, but I think that teenage awkwardness about sex and sexuality really fit with the themes of young adult literature.

Bah. BAH I SAY!

heisei
08-31-2011, 10:20 PM
Sounds like it would be pretty difficult to publish, but I LOVE IT. You shouldn't be stopped, not at all. You should be encouraged. If no one takes it up, you can always self-publish and become some sort of anti-sparkly!vampire sensation. :D

And yeah, it would probably be easier to publish it as erotica, but I love the idea as YA. Damn. I love it so much.

amyashley
08-31-2011, 10:27 PM
So do they FRY the eggs?

You so need to get Shady Lane on this. She would love it.

amyashley
08-31-2011, 10:28 PM
And what would a vegetarian vamp of this sort eat? Vasectomy-produced fluid?

Sweat?

Um. Spit?

Is it only sex?


I think I'll go lick socks in the closet with Zoombie. That sounds a lot safer for my marriage.

Allaboutwords13
08-31-2011, 10:33 PM
hahahaha sounds... intriguing. For sure. I like vampire stories. In fact, i'm working on one right now. Although.. not quite as graphic. Or intense. More family friendly. haha.

IsisAnalysis
08-31-2011, 10:37 PM
OMG, I couldn't stop laughing.

You may have a little audience gender trouble. Or not. :D

Zoombie
08-31-2011, 10:44 PM
I think I'll go lick socks in the closet with Zoombie. That sounds a lot safer for my marriage.

But then when he's making out with his girlfriend, she's going to pull back and go, "Ack," And pull a long sock string out of her mouth.

And he's going to go, "Lisa...I can TOTALLY explain..."

Then he is going to run.

Really. Really. Fast.

amyashley
08-31-2011, 10:52 PM
This gives my sock fetish a whole new depth.

amyashley
08-31-2011, 10:57 PM
I love this on so many levels, Zoombie. I think it addresses confusion and being flung into a wacky sort of situation and all sorts of cool stuff.

I think you could make it fun. Maybe some sex, but mostly outrageous.

Yes, I think it could get published.

Zoombie
08-31-2011, 10:58 PM
I also had an amusing idea of the homophobic bullies who are constantly making fun of him and such, and for pretty much the entire novel, so they're making fun of him and roughing him up during the day time, so he has this splitting headache and his powers are on a low ebb.

They're like, "Heh, bet you're a fag." *shove shove shove*

And he's like, "No, I'm trying really hard not to be, could you please shove off?"

And near the climax, they'll come out at night and he will be like, "I really need to focus on the people trying to kill me, please SHUT UP!"

And they'll be like, "Jeer jeer jeer,"

And then he throws them into a trash can and hurries on.

Symbolizing my intense desire to beat up the assholes who made fun of me. And...his moving on from being hurt by name calling and his own self assurance with his sexual identity.

Or something like that.

amyashley
08-31-2011, 11:03 PM
Lots of potential.

I don't do YA, so maybe I'm off base.

I DO use humor to get major themes across in my books. I think this is a great concept to build on if that's what you want to do. If you like it, start writing and think about it later.

Really. Go now, and PUT THE DAMN SOCKS DOWN.

egoodlett
08-31-2011, 11:26 PM
L.M.A.O. *dies* I really should not have read this while eating. especially the sock bit :| but this sounds hilarious. probably would be hard to publish, yes, but... damn, just please write it anyway? :roll:

amyashley
08-31-2011, 11:30 PM
I think he could do pretty much the whole thing without any sex scenes or anything really extreme for YA.

Just think of how -interesting- it would be.

"Hey man, I'll pay you to...you know."
"what?"

"You know! I just need the goods when you're done. Here's a movie. I'll give you $20."


Consider all the cocktails you could make. Sort of like "How To Eat Fried Worms".

FabricatedParadise
08-31-2011, 11:39 PM
just want to say: this is A.MAZE.ING! Do it! One thing: perhaps he could just break into sperm banks and steal the goods? Maybe mix it with food or something?

Becca C.
08-31-2011, 11:56 PM
"Hey man, I'll pay you to...you know."
"what?"

"You know! I just need the goods when you're done. Here's a movie. I'll give you $20."


Consider all the cocktails you could make. Sort of like "How To Eat Fried Worms".


just want to say: this is A.MAZE.ING! Do it! One thing: perhaps he could just break into sperm banks and steal the goods? Maybe mix it with food or something?

MG this idea is effing perfect. Pleeeeease write it!! And these suggestions are pure gold!

thebloodfiend
09-01-2011, 12:22 AM
Just curious, but is it the sperm or the semen that they need?

Sounds like a good idea, but it is possible to create sperm without sex or guys. If your vampires are super rich, Cullen/Blade style, they could have a laboratory where they actually create the sperm. Or, perhaps someone is trying to destroy it. Who knows? I just think it's an interesting idea to play around with because so many people (*cough* Meyer) never think about the science behind their vampires.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6547675.stm

AnonEMise
09-01-2011, 12:39 AM
This sounds like it would be a really cool book. And speaking as the intended target audience, I admit I'd probably read the blurb on the back and be like, ".... Ok, now I have to get this just to see if it's what I think it's about." and then I would most likely proceed to fall in love with it. Again, this is just, it'll be a breath of fresh(?) air from the rest of the vampire novels out on the market.

Zoombie
09-01-2011, 01:10 AM
Just curious, but is it the sperm or the semen that they need?

Sounds like a good idea, but it is possible to create sperm without sex or guys. If your vampires are super rich, Cullen/Blade style, they could have a laboratory where they actually create the sperm. Or, perhaps someone is trying to destroy it. Who knows? I just think it's an interesting idea to play around with because so many people (*cough* Meyer) never think about the science behind their vampires.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6547675.stm

Well, see, it's not ACTUALLY sperm that they need, it's life force. It is magic, and a magical set of rules.

I was inspired by how impotence was considered to be a side effect of masturbation in the middle ages, because sperm was seen as your literal life force. And, of course, only by producing children could you stay...potent, becuase the true love that comes from producing a child sustains your life energy.

So, yeah, fake sperm would be cheating.

Chumala
09-01-2011, 01:15 AM
I was soooo excited about this idea, then you said he had to drink seman......WHY?


Him dating Lesley sounded cute. :( WHY MUST YOU DESTROY CUTENESS?????

>:(

Also you're not Applejack no mores. :(

(But I would read your book, with hopes that he ends up with lesley.)

Zoombie
09-01-2011, 01:18 AM
...well...

Uh...

He...already...has a girlfriend that he loves a great deal?

thebloodfiend
09-01-2011, 01:21 AM
Yeah, I agree. Vampire chick sounds much cuter.

And if it's magical, I guess it's different. It makes more sense than sparkly, marble skin.

Chumala
09-01-2011, 01:21 AM
...well...

Uh...

He...already...has a girlfriend that he loves a great deal?


Oh I thought you were pushing more toward him going for Lesley because she saved his life.

If it has some romance in it I'd read it. But the female vampire sounded cool to me. Much better than Edward.

Like others have said this sounds like a fun new idea. So.... lol how does he go about obtaining this semen???

Sage
09-01-2011, 01:29 AM
Zoom, are you planning on marketing this to teens? I ask because I'm not sure how strong the teen humor market is if you're going that route (and it sounds like you are), and I'm trying to figure out who you would market it to.

Zoombie
09-01-2011, 01:30 AM
Yeah, that's my problem. I have no idea if there is space for a sex-comedy-growing-up-sexuality-exploring-vampire-spoof novel.

Becca C.
09-01-2011, 01:33 AM
It could be like the much-edgier cousin of Bloodthirsty by Flynn Meaney (http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7670109-bloodthirsty)!

egoodlett
09-01-2011, 01:35 AM
It could be like the much-edgier cousin of Bloodthirsty by Flynn Meaney (http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7670109-bloodthirsty)!

Or Fat Vampire? >.>

thebloodfiend
09-01-2011, 01:35 AM
Yeah, that's my problem. I have no idea if there is space for a sex-comedy-growing-up-sexuality-exploring-vampire-spoof novel.

If Youth In Revolt is YA, (even if that was published twenty? years ago) I think this stands a chance. It just depends on how you handle the subject matter.

The Kidd
09-01-2011, 01:54 AM
Who cares if it can be published or not!? DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! You could always turn it into an adult novel! Please!!!!!

Sage
09-01-2011, 01:55 AM
There's always something to be said about writing the book you want to write and worrying about it's publishability later ;)

Zoombie
09-01-2011, 02:00 AM
Yeah. Plus, I planned to handle the "collection" in a farcical way, because...well, the way I sees it, we've tied up sexuality and biology so much that we have a hard time divorcing what is just a BIOLOGICAL act to what is a SEXUAL act. Now, obviously, there's a good reason for it, but at some point, it gets silly.

If that makes a lick of sense...

areteus
09-01-2011, 02:16 AM
Oh, it works as humour if that is the intention... and the whole 'church is against masturbation and gay sex for [insert random misinterpreted parable] as a cover for trying to stop vampires' still works...

Zoombie
09-01-2011, 02:19 AM
Also, I'm just going to premature dissapoint all you weirdly eager shippers: Lesley. Is. Not. Interested.

She's 200 years old. She has seen the rise of the United States, two world wars, the splitting of the atom, men walking on the moon, women's suffrage, and a thousand other astounding things.

She does not want to date a teenager whose highest aspirations are to go to a college with a marching band and marry his high school sweet heart!

Becca C.
09-01-2011, 02:27 AM
Also, I'm just going to premature dissapoint all you weirdly eager shippers: Lesley. Is. Not. Interested.

She's 200 years old. She has seen the rise of the United States, two world wars, the splitting of the atom, men walking on the moon, women's suffrage, and a thousand other astounding things.

She does not want to date a teenager whose highest aspirations are to go to a college with a marching band and marry his high school sweet heart!

Yayy!!!! Finally a hot immortal who isn't weirdly interested in what, compared to them, is an infant! <3

The Kidd
09-01-2011, 02:29 AM
Also, I'm just going to premature dissapoint all you weirdly eager shippers: Lesley. Is. Not. Interested.

She's 200 years old. She has seen the rise of the United States, two world wars, the splitting of the atom, men walking on the moon, women's suffrage, and a thousand other astounding things.

She does not want to date a teenager whose highest aspirations are to go to a college with a marching band and marry his high school sweet heart!

How refreshing :D

Zoombie
09-01-2011, 02:32 AM
Besides, I've been working on Lisa's character. She's a member of the color guard, and will be cool and awesome and possibly be better at fighting than he is.

I mean, she can throw swords around. That's a deadly skill!

thebloodfiend
09-01-2011, 02:46 AM
Also, I'm just going to premature dissapoint all you weirdly eager shippers: Lesley. Is. Not. Interested.

She's 200 years old. She has seen the rise of the United States, two world wars, the splitting of the atom, men walking on the moon, women's suffrage, and a thousand other astounding things.

She does not want to date a teenager whose highest aspirations are to go to a college with a marching band and marry his high school sweet heart!

Fine. I will ship them in my mind. See, I didn't have a problem with Edward and Bella. I had a problem with Edward and Bella. But I'm probably the sole human on AW who doesn't like Magnus and Alec for the exact same reasons you stated above, so I see why she's not the DLI. And if the human girl is interesting, I can switch ships. Maybe. I just get attached to vampires being DLI. Especially female vampires. Probably why I like Blood +

egoodlett
09-01-2011, 03:01 AM
Besides, I've been working on Lisa's character. She's a member of the color guard, and will be cool and awesome and possibly be better at fighting than he is.

I mean, she can throw swords around. That's a deadly skill!

YAY COLOR GUARD. ... though I never got to throw swords, only the rifles *pout*

amyashley
09-01-2011, 04:57 AM
If that makes a lick of sense...

YOU ARE SUCH A ROTTEN BOY.

*Punishes Zoombie by whacking him over the head with her laptop*

Do not make me laugh. Write this book. NAO.

ghost
09-01-2011, 09:15 AM
There was a good short story in an anthology that was about a vampire that was squeamish about blood so she became a rock and roll groupie.

And Lost Souls? by Poppy Z Brite mentioned drinking semen instead of blood.

But being that both of those are adult books, you might be onto something here.

AlishaS
09-01-2011, 09:29 AM
I can't believe I missed this earlier!

This is such an awesome, hilarious, sexy idea! Do it, now, like I mean right now.

I think with some finess you can get this to be YA but I'm thinking it could also make a really funny, hot erotic novel too lol

But damn, awesome idea!

Jessianodel
09-01-2011, 09:50 AM
Oh my god that book would be gross and hilarious and awkward and weird and embarrassing and all sorts of awesomes lol. Oh god you should totally write it! (BTW - if it helps I'm pretty much your target audience)

ETA: it sorta reminds me of Freshman (http://www.amazon.com/Freshman-Michael-Gerber/dp/B0058M64BO/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1314850976&sr=1-2), which I really liked, although I'm not sure if it's YA. My high school gave it out during a book fair so idk.

cscarlet
09-01-2011, 09:54 AM
.... This is what happens when I don't get online all day?

:roll:

sadbeautifultragic
09-01-2011, 11:34 AM
I like it.

Mharvey
09-01-2011, 01:13 PM
This is, perhaps, the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Now, my big question would be, does it have to be freshly squeezed, or can he drink it from a cup?

What? It's a valid question. If it's from the cup, he can at least add... I dunno... grape juice. Water that junk down. ;)

areteus
09-01-2011, 02:19 PM
I think you still get the coppery ming taste if you add other liquids to it...

NoGuessing
09-01-2011, 02:50 PM
I'm not quite sure what I've just read.

amyashley
09-01-2011, 06:56 PM
Hey, Zoombie, since there is some question about the YA target audience, you might have better luck trying older YA or this whole "new adult" thing. Don't even know if that's a real term. I just finished Lish McBride's Hold Me Closer Necromancer and it was pretty stinking funny. I think the 18-23/24 age group would like the dark humor in this.

Anyway, if you went that way, check this out. My cousin belongs to this group.

http://bluedevils.org/

Pretty freaking cool.

FabricatedParadise
09-01-2011, 07:27 PM
Slightly off-topic, but I just want to say how happy it makes me to see such refreshingly perceptive opinions of the other vampire book.

I read it. And spent the 2 days it took me to read angry. I was angry with the characters, angry with the author, angry with the girl who recommended it saying "it's the most amazing book I've ever read!"

grrr.

EndlessDestiny
09-01-2011, 08:02 PM
It sounds like a really cool idea (more like a vampire/succubus). I'm a bit squicked out by the drinking semen part though.

I guess instead of a blood bank they like to hit up the local sperm bank.

Rhoda Nightingale
09-01-2011, 09:54 PM
0_o

Well, it's obvious from the other comments here that you have an audience, but I wouldn't read this in a million years.

Any and all references to semen in fiction immediately flicks my, "Nope, putting this book down, moving on," list. Probably one of the reasons I keep trying--and giving up on--erotic romance.

It's a non-negotiable squick factor.

But...good luck anyways.

Liosse de Velishaf
09-01-2011, 10:52 PM
I don;t think you could ever get this published as YA in America or Britain. Sex-romps are just too much associated with adult erotica.

But! Something similar has been done before targeted at a teen-ish audience. There's a Japanese ecchi comedy anime called "Astarotte no Omocha" (Astarotte's Toy) about succubi who have to drink semen to survive. It's actually even more sketchy, since the main succubus is a little bit underage, although the actual act never occurs. It also doesn't have the awesome sexual confusion themes you've described in your story. The fact that this show was the first thing that came to mind when I read your description does kind of suggest it's a little too porny for mainstream YA publishing.

itsaplane
09-01-2011, 11:15 PM
I love it. It made me laugh and almost fall out of my chair. A serious twist to the usual vampire ways, and I really, really would enjoy reading something like this. I hope you go for it.