This could have been posted in novels or query letter hell, but I like the folks here. I'm having problem with one little phrase, getting it just right for a query. I've got a college student who's mom and fiancee dies in the same year, then he's reprimanded by the dean for letting a college computer virus loose. Disgusted by life, he leaves.
To keep it short, sweet and punchy in my query, I simply say, "[FONT="]when his computer experiment creates havoc on campus he's out of there[/FONT]," where "out of there" is intended to be a slang phase indicating that someone left out of disgust, or some type of mutual disagreement.
Others (and myself to some degree) think this slang phrase is vague. But what else can I say without significantly increasing the word count?
he's fired? he was ask to leave? (He wasn't)
he ran? he vanished? he hid? he fled? (implies some cowardice or criminal )
he leaves out of disgust? (disgust isn't quite the right word)
he quit school because life was too much and he needed time to think about things (true, but kind of wordy for a 250 word query where I'm at 251 words already)
So how would you describe someone leaving school/work due to a personal crisis in half a sentence?
Thanks for any help on this one, I wouldn't ask except I've spent two days on it already.
To keep it short, sweet and punchy in my query, I simply say, "[FONT="]when his computer experiment creates havoc on campus he's out of there[/FONT]," where "out of there" is intended to be a slang phase indicating that someone left out of disgust, or some type of mutual disagreement.
Others (and myself to some degree) think this slang phrase is vague. But what else can I say without significantly increasing the word count?
he's fired? he was ask to leave? (He wasn't)
he ran? he vanished? he hid? he fled? (implies some cowardice or criminal )
he leaves out of disgust? (disgust isn't quite the right word)
he quit school because life was too much and he needed time to think about things (true, but kind of wordy for a 250 word query where I'm at 251 words already)
So how would you describe someone leaving school/work due to a personal crisis in half a sentence?
Thanks for any help on this one, I wouldn't ask except I've spent two days on it already.