"I'm out of here" (not really)

tko · Aug 4, 2011

This could have been posted in novels or query letter hell, but I like the folks here. I'm having problem with one little phrase, getting it just right for a query. I've got a college student who's mom and fiancee dies in the same year, then he's reprimanded by the dean for letting a college computer virus loose. Disgusted by life, he leaves.

To keep it short, sweet and punchy in my query, I simply say, "[FONT=&quot]when his computer experiment creates havoc on campus he's out of there[/FONT]," where "out of there" is intended to be a slang phase indicating that someone left out of disgust, or some type of mutual disagreement.

Others (and myself to some degree) think this slang phrase is vague. But what else can I say without significantly increasing the word count?

he's fired? he was ask to leave? (He wasn't)

he ran? he vanished? he hid? he fled? (implies some cowardice or criminal )

he leaves out of disgust? (disgust isn't quite the right word)

he quit school because life was too much and he needed time to think about things (true, but kind of wordy for a 250 word query where I'm at 251 words already)

So how would you describe someone leaving school/work due to a personal crisis in half a sentence?

Thanks for any help on this one, I wouldn't ask except I've spent two days on it already.

Maryn · Aug 4, 2011

Because you seek the tone of the slang term "I'm outta here" you probably can't get that without first person and keeping it 'here' rather than 'there.' To me, "He's outta there" simply cannot work, even if you change the spelling of "out of."

You might sidestep the problem by rephrasing completely. ...when his computer experiment creates havoc on campus, he takes off/leaves campus/goes home/retreats to the arms of a hooker/heads to New York/whatever.

Might that work?

Maryn, rephraser

CaroGirl · Aug 4, 2011

He walks out.

amyashley · Aug 4, 2011

He splits.

It keeps the slangy feel, which is good for voice, and it retains the concept that his action is an emotionally based one rather than him simply leaving for lunch.

Chris P · Aug 4, 2011

I would put "He's out of there" at the beginning of the sentence. It tells us what he did followed by the reason why. Especially with such a long sentence, we read a lot of "why" before we get to "what."

To answer your question more specifically, I don't have a problem with "He's out of there," especially if the rest of the query is in a casual voice. But I would consider Maryn's suggestion as well, to use that opportunity to be more specific about where he goes. Does he quit school? Or does he just head down to Taco Bell for a while? If where he goes doesn't matter, then "He was out of there" is fine.

JayMan · Aug 4, 2011

Perhaps add a short simile to go along with the phrase?

"When his computer experiment creates havoc on campus, he's outta there as fast as his legs can carry him."

Alternatively, I like amyashley's simple "he splits." You can also use a number of other expressions in that same vein: he bolts, he's gone, he makes like a tree and leaves, he gets the hell out of Dodge, he doesn't stick around, he leaves and doesn't look back, he takes a hike, he waltzes right out of there, he buys a one-way ticket to Tampa, he buys a one-way ticket for the next Greyhound, he packs up and leaves, he up and leaves, he skips town, he abandons the place, he marches off, he's outta there like a grand slam, etc.

Or "When his computer experiment creates havoc on campus, it's splitsville for him."

Fallen · Aug 4, 2011

Not really sure on this one, hun. I know 'he's out of there' has too many playful connotations for me, and with what your kid's gone through, he's not leaving under playful circumstances. You need that 'straw that broke the donkey's back' feeling.

Mom dead, fiancee dead--creating chaos on campus so maybe...

he finally gives life the finger and heads for...

any action that sums up his frustration and disgust with lifem and then kick on with 'he splits, leaves, packs up his troubles' etc.

indiriverflow · Aug 4, 2011

How about, "he bails before the hammer falls down" or something deriving from this?

Mark G · Aug 4, 2011

As others said, it's not playing right as worded. Maybe:

tko said:
"[FONT=&quot]when his computer experiment creates havoc on campus, he gives up and quits when confronted about it[/FONT],"

tko said:
"[FONT=&quot]when his computer experiment creates havoc on campus[/FONT], he has a breakdown and quits"

tko said:
[FONT=&quot]when his computer experiment creates havoc on campus[/FONT], he says "I'm outta here!" when confronted about it.

Good luck on your query

Snick · Aug 4, 2011

"He's outta there," is fine. You aren't writing an academic paper; you're writing fiction that you want to seem like something that might actually happen, so you use an idiomatic expression. What's wrong with that. You might consider having him fired by someone who says, "You outta here."

amyashley · Aug 4, 2011

I would also avoid a laundry list of emotional baggage. I think you can sum things up by saying "after a summer (whatever season) full of catastrophes, the school's dean tags John as the creator of a computer virus infecting campus swifter than Herpes. John ditches school. He ditches his life. He blah blah blah."

HTH.

jclarkdawe · Aug 4, 2011

For a query, your sentence's problem starts at the beginning, and then descends from there. Computer experiment is somewhat vague, and havoc is very vague. If you strengthen the front of the sentence, the end of it improves fairly easily.

Cutting words (although I do a lot of it in queries) isn't the goal. The goal is to make sure every word you use is worth its weight in kibbles. So added words that will help you set the tone and talent in your book should be added.

Here's two possible openings. Two things I want you to notice. First is there's no reason to say "havoc" or explain what havoc happens. By showing the computer experiment, I can let the reader imagine the havoc. Second is that by changing the computer experiment, I change the entire tone of the query and book.

1) When John programmed every computer on campus to lock on Justin Beiber's smiling face, ...

2) After John rigged the school's computer to upload every student's file onto the internet, ...

Think about which book is more likely to show humor. Think about which book is going to have bigger consequences. Think about how clear it's going to be what happens to John without you really having to say it.

Both of these sentences will tell an agent a lot about what your book is about. Your sentence doesn't tell us much of anything.

Best of luck,

Jim Clark-Dawe

blacbird · Aug 4, 2011

tko said:
To keep it short, sweet and punchy in my query, I simply say, "[FONT=&quot]when his computer experiment creates havoc on campus he's out of there[/FONT],"

It sounds too trendy/slangy to me to be in a query. I'd say something simpler, like "he leaves", or "he flees", depending on the urgency of his need to get out. Which brings up the question really do need to address in the query: When this happens are people out to get him, or is he just embarrassed?

Let's say it's a serious matter and he does need to flee. How about: "when his computer experiment creates havoc on campus, he has to flee." Same number of words, but a clearer implication.

caw

tko · Aug 4, 2011

thanks everyone

Lots of good suggestions, I can't believe how helpful everyone is. Leaving MIT is kind of a back story, actually, why he leaves isn't explained till the end of the novel (because explaining it fully at the start would allow readers to guess stuff way too early.)

So, in the query, I didn't want to emphasize it either. Queries are funny. First you write that he left MIT, then people want to know why, then they want to know where he went, pretty soon your entire query is about leaving MIT. Sometimes you just need to get him out of there

and move on.

blacbird · Aug 5, 2011

tko said:
Leaving MIT is kind of a back story, actually, why he leaves isn't explained till the end of the novel (because explaining it fully at the start would allow readers to guess stuff way too early.)

So, in the query, I didn't want to emphasize it either. Queries are funny. First you write that he left MIT, then people want to know why, then they want to know where he went, pretty soon your entire query is about leaving MIT.

If it isn't a really important detail, I'd leave it out of the query altogether. If it is an important detail, you really do need more explanation of it.

caw

"I'm out of here" (not really)

tko

just thanks fore everything

Maryn

Baaa!

CaroGirl

Living the dream

amyashley

Stunt-Writer

Chris P

Likes metaphors mixed, not stirred

JayMan

Like Burt Reynolds in Gator

Fallen

Stood at the coalface

indiriverflow

Mark G

Author of Reborn to Bite

Snick

amyashley

Stunt-Writer

jclarkdawe

Feeling lucky, Query?

blacbird

tko

just thanks fore everything

blacbird