Reader says sentence feels awkward: thoughts?

Emerson · Jul 23, 2011

Hi,

I let my girlfriend read a bit of something I wrote, and she said there was a sentence that she found awkward. I personally don't see anything wrong with it, but I'd appreciate other thoughts on it.

He must have lived in town for six months or so before he had a word for Joseph, and when he did it was just a friendly “Morning,” as if the two were friends.

She said the phrase "word for" was awkward even though she's heard the expression before, and that she felt the sentence was too long which I don't really agree with.

Pegster · Jul 23, 2011

Emerson said:
Hi,

He must have lived in town for six months or so before he had a word for Joseph, and when he did it was just a friendly “Morning,” as if the two were friends.

She said the phrase "word for" was awkward even though she's heard the expression before, and that she felt the sentence was too long which I don't really agree with.

I have to agree with the girlfriend on this one. The 'word for Joseph' suggests he's trying to figure out a way to describe Joseph or define him, when in reality, a 'word from Joseph' would be that 'Morning." It came from Joseph. Different preposition. I hope this helps.

Bracken · Jul 23, 2011

He must have lived in town for six months or so before he had a word for Joseph, and when he did it was just a friendly “Morning,” as if the two were friends.

He never spoke to Joseph until he'd lived in town for six months or so; when he did, it was just a friendly "Morning".

"As if the two were friends" is redundant and should be cut, since you just stated that the word ("Morning") was in fact friendly.

Emerson · Jul 23, 2011

My apologies, more context would have been useful. James is the character who has lived in town for six months before saying anything to Joseph, the main character. So James didn't have a word for Joseph until he said 'morning'. This is obvious in the full text but not at all obvious here.

edit: Good call on the repetition though, thanks.

blacbird · Jul 23, 2011

You need a comma after "did".

caw

Emerson · Jul 23, 2011

He must have lived in town for six months or so before he said a single word to Joseph, and when he did, it was just a friendly “Morning."

KTC · Jul 23, 2011

Word for should be word with. I agree that word for is awkward. Makes sense, but it's not the recognized term that word with is. I'm not saying it's right or wrong...just sounds wrong.

Emerson · Jul 23, 2011

I feel like 'word with' implies a conversation though.

KTC · Jul 23, 2011

Emerson said:
I feel like 'word with' implies a conversation though.

and word for sounds like....he couldn't think of what to call him, as in...

He must have lived in town for six months or so before he had a word for Joseph, and then he realized that word was asshole.

Emerson · Jul 23, 2011

Yeah, I've come to accept the confusion on that. Anything wrong with the revision I posted a few posts up?

KTC · Jul 23, 2011

Emerson said:
Yeah, I've come to accept the confusion on that. Anything wrong with the revision I posted a few posts up?

It works fine. Absolutely.

Emerson · Jul 23, 2011

Thanks, much appreciated. Just goes to show the value of objective readers. What sounds perfect in my head might sound like absolute nonsense to them.

Evonus · Jul 24, 2011

Emerson said:
He must have lived in town for six months or so before he said a single word to Joseph, and when he did, it was just a friendly “Morning."

This doesn't seem to be the main focus of this thread, but I feel like the words "or so" disrupt the flow of an already long sentence. You may want to consider deleting them or say "He must have lived in town for about six months before...."

WriteStarfish · Jul 25, 2011

Evonus said:
This doesn't seem to be the main focus of this thread, but I feel like the words "or so" disrupt the flow of an already long sentence. You may want to consider deleting them or say "He must have lived in town for about six months before...."

I agree about the "or so". It seems as if you are trying to emphasize the long period of time that has passed. Perhaps, this could be illustrated through saying something like
James had been in town for half a year before he said a single word to Joseph, and when he did, it was just a friendly “Morning."

pegasus · Jul 25, 2011

Emerson said:
She said the phrase "word for" was awkward even though she's heard the expression before, and that she felt the sentence was too long which I don't really agree with.

You weren't, by chance, raised British?

I can't remember hearing 'a word for' in the way you've used it. It sounds kinda British to me.

Reader says sentence feels awkward: thoughts?

Emerson

Pegster

Girando e fuzzicando

Bracken

Emerson

blacbird

Emerson

KTC

Stand in the Place Where You Live

Emerson

KTC

Stand in the Place Where You Live

Emerson

KTC

Stand in the Place Where You Live

Emerson

Evonus

WriteStarfish

pegasus

practical experience, FTW