Formal or Informal?

Nightd · Jun 23, 2011

Well, I recently let a friend read over my query letter. He pointed out a few sentences, which he changed. I don't think they are grammatically incorrect. I think he changed it because he wanted to make the voice more formal, but I'm not sure.

I can't ask him for clarification because he's out of town for a month. He did say before he left that they're only "suggested" changes.

Can anyone help me with these sentences? Is it just a matter of voice or is there something he's changed that I'm missing.

[FONT=&quot]Example 1.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]In an interview you did with John Doe, you said that essentially the heart of a book's success is through word of mouth.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
In an interview which you did with John Doe, you had said that essentially, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]the heart of a book's success is through word of mouth.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Example 2.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The main character, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Scarlett O'Hara, in [/FONT][FONT=&quot]GONE WITH THE WIND believes so.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The main character in [/FONT][FONT=&quot]GONE WITH THE WIND, Scarlett O'Hara, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]believes so.[/FONT]

alleycat · Jun 23, 2011

I guess we all like to tinker with sentences. I want to rewrite both of those examples, but that's not what you asked.

Snick · Jun 23, 2011

I agree with Alleycat. I would rewrite both. I don't think it was a matter of formality as much as personal taste.

Bufty · Jun 23, 2011

Is this the same friend who rewrote your opening and made it so much better?

Hmmmm.

CaroGirl · Jun 23, 2011

tonten said:
Well, I recently let a friend read over my query letter. He pointed out a few sentences, which he changed. I don't think they are grammatically incorrect. I think he changed it because he wanted to make the voice more formal, but I'm not sure.

I can't ask him for clarification because he's out of town for a month. He did say before he left that they're only "suggested" changes.

Can anyone help me with these sentences? Is it just a matter of voice or is there something he's changed that I'm missing.

[FONT=&quot]Example 1.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]In an interview you did with John Doe, you said that essentially the heart of a book's success is through word of mouth.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
In an interview which you did with John Doe, you had said that essentially, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]the heart of a book's success is through word of mouth.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Example 2.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The main character, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Scarlett O'Hara, in [/FONT][FONT=&quot]GONE WITH THE WIND believes so.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The main character in [/FONT][FONT=&quot]GONE WITH THE WIND, Scarlett O'Hara, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]believes so.[/FONT]

The Example 1 rewrite uses "which" incorrectly. It should be "that". The wording of all is somewhat awkward. I'd say a second look at the sentence structures is warranted here.

Terie · Jun 23, 2011

CaroGirl said:
The Example 1 rewrite uses "which" incorrectly. It should be "that". The wording of all is somewhat awkward. I'd say a second look at the sentence structures is warranted here.

Not only that, but the rewrite uses 'had said', whereas the original 'said' was more appropriate.

Not that either of these sentences seems to belong in a query letter in the first place.

Content-Wise · Jun 23, 2011

I'd say that Example 1's sentence is fine unedited, and the edited version sounds funny because of the weird sentence structure. I'm not sure if it's grammatically correct. Of course, there's always room for improvement, so don't mind if I do, I'm going to give some rewriting suggestions.

I think a better version would be:
"In an interview that you did with John Doe, you said that the heart of a book's success is essentially through word of mouth."

Example 2 would be better rewritten as:
"Scarlett O'Hara, the main character in GONE WITH THE WIND, believes so."

Just my two cents. Other writers, feel free to chip in and correct me if I'm wrong.

Jamesaritchie · Jun 23, 2011

Content-Wise said:
I'd say that Example 1's sentence is fine unedited, and the edited version sounds funny because of the weird sentence structure. I'm not sure if it's grammatically correct. Of course, there's always room for improvement, so don't mind if I do, I'm going to give some rewriting suggestions.

I think a better version would be:
"In an interview that you did with John Doe, you said that the heart of a book's success is essentially through word of mouth."

Example 2 would be better rewritten as:
"Scarlett O'Hara, the main character in GONE WITH THE WIND, believes so."

Just my two cents. Other writers, feel free to chip in and correct me if I'm wrong.

Both of your examples are much better than the others.

Fallen · Jun 23, 2011

Terie said:
Not that either of these sentences seems to belong in a query letter in the first place.

Hmmm, I thought that to.

Nightd · Jun 23, 2011

Bufty said:
Is this the same friend who rewrote your opening and made it so much better?

Hmmmm.

nope

Terie said:
Not that either of these sentences seems to belong in a query letter in the first place.

I think that depends on the context of the rest of the query letter, which I can't post here cause I don't have 50 posts yet =(

My query letter was tailored for a specific agent. I have done countless hours of a research on him: gone through around fifteen or more of his interviews, read his client's first hand accounts on him, and read existing successful query letters that passed through him.

I wrote it specifically to what he wanted to see and not see in a letter from the information I gathered.

I also do have a general query letter, that doesn't include either of those sentences hidden away in one of my desktop folders. Neither of these letters have been sent yet, as I was still doing some final edits on my manuscript.

Jamesaritchie · Jun 24, 2011

I don't think the information would be a bad thing in a query letter, though I don't think it will help, either. It' stating the obvious, saying something every good agent and editor knows, and something every writer should know. Plus, it has nothing at all to do with how good your book is, or how well you write.

An agent says yes because of how well written the query is, and how exciting and interesting you make your novel sound, not because you tell him something he already knows, and expects you to know.

Chase · Jun 24, 2011

tonten said:
[FONT=&quot]Example 1.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]In an interview you did with John Doe, you said that essentially the heart of a book's success is through word of mouth.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]In an interview which you did with John Doe, you had said that essentially, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]the heart of a book's success is through word of mouth.[/FONT]

Already said and bears repeating: forcing in "which" and "had" is faux-formal speech, an attempt to seem educated, when it actually shows a lack of it.

The same happened to me when a friend "corrected" my line, "Her help makes less work for you and me" to "Her help makes less work for you and I," adding "Tsk-tsk, I thought you were an English teacher." Both your friend and my friend need some pointers on refining prose.

Focusing only on the sentence, I think it needs less rather than more:

In an interview with John Doe, you said [FONT=&quot]the heart of a book's success is through word of mouth.[/FONT]

Nightd · Jun 24, 2011

Jamesaritchie said:
I don't think the information would be a bad thing in a query letter, though I don't think it will help, either. It' stating the obvious, saying something every good agent and editor knows, and something every writer should know. Plus, it has nothing at all to do with how good your book is, or how well you write.

Well, in this specific case, I read in one of the agent's interviews he likes it that you actually done some research on him and show that in the query letter. I also expand on what he says in what he says he is looking for by using the voice of my character (which is also something he said he likes in a query letter)

Also, I've only taken the syntax of the original sentences and wrote them here as I felt that was what I needed a second opinion on after my friend changed them.

Chase said:
Focusing only on the sentence, I think it needs less rather than more:

In an interview with John Doe, you said [FONT=&quot]the heart of a book's success is through word of mouth.[/FONT]

I totally agree with the less is more. My friend is more used to formal writing. He does one heck of a cover letter and writes the best essays I've ever seen.

thothguard51 · Jun 24, 2011

And how many essays have you read other than your friends?

Chase · Jun 24, 2011

tonten said:
My friend is more used to formal writing. He does one heck of a cover letter and writes the best essays I've ever seen.

Faux-formal (slightly off the mark pretense at sophistication) is the opposite of faux-naif (an artful pretension of unsophisticated writing). Both come off as pretentious.

I admire your loyalty, but by the samples I've seen, it certainly does look like a hack of a job.

Formal or Informal?

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