the cosmetics of multiple one line dialog

tko

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This is kind of weird. I have a page full of dialog and dialog tags. No sentence is longer than the page width. That means every line is indented. The net appearance is that no lines are indented. Cosmetically, it looks very strange. If it was changed from double to single line spacing it would look even worse. Many of the lines fill the page width, leaving almost no white space.

Of course, the obvious solutions is to make a fair amount of dialog longer than one line, or add tags to do this. But it's a high tension scene with limited possibility for dialog tags (a ransom conversation on a telephone). I'm torn. Rewrite because it looks stupid and condensed on the page?

Not sure if this belongs in the grammar section, but I thought I'd give it a shot because it's just a mechanical issue.
 

Maryn

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I think what's missing is your characters existing in space and time rather than simply speaking.

They don't have to do a specific thing like drink a beer or fold laundry, but they can and should shift in their seats, glance at the clock, run splayed fingers through their hair, or otherwise be present in the scene.

You needn't add a single dialogue tag if you insert the occasional action line to break those tabbed one-line paragraphs into dialogue plus action, i.e.

[tab]"Oh, yeah?" Her voice came out more shrill than she meant it to, revealing her anxiety. Why did it have to be like this every time she saw tko?

[tab]"Yeah."

[tab]"Make me." Could she? She was bigger than tko, but tko had the fancy hat and dangling earrings suggesting supreme confidence in herself, and the pretty face that meant any passing man would leap to her aid.

[tab]"You sure that's what you want?" tko flexed one tiny fist.


And so on.

Maryn, not sure she could take you
 

Chase

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I'm torn. Rewrite because it looks stupid and condensed on the page?

I'm a completely visual kind of reader, so I understand your concern. However, if it's a page or even two (and not the entire 4967-word chapter), I can live with intense no-white space. It may even increase the tension--not a bad thing.

Not that Maryn's suggestion isn't good, too.
 

Bufty

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Cross-examination in a courtroom scene could easily lend itself to multiple single line dialogue exchanges.

I have no problem with that situation so long as I can follow the exchange and the dialogue leads somewhere.

The cosmetics are meaningless.
 
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blacbird

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Sounds like an opportunity to add some emotional reaction on the part of one party. :)

Not by any means necessarily. If the dialogue is sharp enough, it can convey all the emotion needed. I've seen fiction containing long stretches of unattributed and unmodified dialogue that work brilliantly. I agree with Maestro that you don't have a real problem here, as long as the dialogue does its work.
 

skylark

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One issue would be whether it's always obvious who says what. Even in published novels I sometimes find myself having to count lines from the last tag, and it's really offputting. It's dead easy to write long stretches of unattributed dialogue which only work because you the writer can 'see' who's saying what.
 

Jamesaritchie

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I wouldn't worry about it. It won't look the same in a publishd book.
 

writingismypassion

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As long as it reads okay, and the reader understands what's happening, I'd say leave it as is. Don't worry about how it looks.
 

B.D. Eyeslie

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Usually, I'll add an occasional tag or ambiance to the scene for the sake of description or rythm, but there are situations that carefully crafted dialogue will forcefully propel the story foreward. Don't worry if it looks like a block of ice melting on a sidewalk--it's cool on the toes.