Seven Stages of a New Writer: A Satire

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MattJ

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Stage 1: Hopeful. Timid fingers tap across the keyboard. A story forms. How exciting! It had a beginning, a middle, and an end. He reads it through, again and again, making sure the flow is smooth and the writing is clear.

Stage 2: Elation. At last! He has finished a few stories! Now to get them published. Excited, trembling he finds a list of possible places to send his work. There are so many. Who will have the privilege of first publishing this dynamic new writer? He sends off his work, a tear in his eye.

Stage 3: Dreamy. Which award will he win? The Stoker? The Nebula?

Stage 4: Denial. Ouch, a rejection! How could they reject a great story like that? Look at the drivel they publish by "established" writers! All those -ing words and adverbs!

Stage 5: Grief. More rejections. He's a terrible writer. He should give up. His time might be better spent surfing the internet. Or taking up a new hobby. He was good at pinewood derbies so long ago. Ah, the innocence of youth. His wife says things like "Oh God, do I have to hear this again?"

Stage 6: Anger. Even more rejection. What's with these editors? He can't be that bad! Form after form. Look at all those horrible writers on the internet. They don't even have complete sentences! He writes a story about how the evil editor gets eaten by an alien plant. That'll show 'em!

Stage 7: Bargaining. Forget the Nebula. He just wants to publish in a reputable magazine.

Okay, a pro magazine.

Okay, a semipro magazine.

Doesn't anyone want to read his stories?

Stage 8: Non-acceptance. He won't accept defeat. Ever. Repeat.


* Based, of course, on the Five Stages of Grief by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. All meant in good humor.
 
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Lillie

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Oh well. Now I'm depressed...
 

Lillie

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Nah, I'm putting my note out on Kindle first. Then I'm jumping.
 

Rufus Leeking

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Stage 4: Denial. Ouch, a rejection! How could they reject a great story like that? Look at the drivel they publish by "established" writers! All those -ing words and adverbs!
don't know how long you've been at it, but there is a funny little stage that comes up a few years later where you reread the "great story that was so much better than the crap that is published" and get sort of embarrassed that you send it out.

It's a process and the comp is insane, and anyone making a living writing fiction (I'm not) has worked hard to hone the skills, and has gotten tons of rejection.
 

Lillie

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I'd put out my note and then sit watching its sales rankings in the Kindle store, forgetting to jump.

Self publishing saved your life!

Woo hoo!

I'm collecting all my suicide notes and doing an anthology.
 

MJNL

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This is impressive:

Hahah! I think I go through all those stages on a daily basis!

I tried once to make a flowchart of the entire thing. It's here, if anyone is bored: http://www.zanzjan.net/writing/images/writing-flowchart-real.jpg

-Suzanne

The stages in the OP are amusing, but they all assume said newbie has done research. How many people do we see in here a day that think they already know everything? We're missing a 1a, maybe a 1b where they don't know there's anything wrong with
meaningless purple prose and twelve adverbs in one sentence ;-)
 
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zanzjan

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How many people do we see in here a day that think they already know everything? We're missing a 1a, maybe a 1b where they don't know there's anything wrong with meaningless purple prose and twelve adverbs in one sentence

But they're here, so there's hope. (-:

I think there's no point in a writing career where there isn't some challenge you're working to overcome, and the point at which you decide there isn't is the point at which everything you do becomes stagnant. Really, realizing that there *are* challenges and that one's work isn't perfect and untouchable, and that that's okay, is the first great big hurdle for all new writers.

-Suzanne
 

zanzjan

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:ROFL: In my personal flow chart, there would be more chocolate sprinkled throughout the process.

Hmmm, yes, I think you're right. If I ever get around to a v2.0, I'll be sure to up the chocolate quotient (-:

-Suzanne
 

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In my less than illustrious past of writing-for-money, I worked on a lot of games that had a narrative of some sort.

One company hired me to flow chart English and American novels from the canon.

It was oddly fun . . .
 
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