Is this tense changing . . .

hollyfan · Mar 24, 2011

. . . and if so, is it grammatically correct?

"It was her lustrous auburn hair that really did it for him: he loved the way it poured like syrup down her face and past her shoulders, right down to the wispy end bits forging the contours of her massive breasts."

Many thanks.

maestrowork · Mar 24, 2011

I suppose you're questioning the word "forging." No, that's not a tense change. That's a participial clause.

blacbird · Mar 24, 2011

No tense change, but it sure does seem heavily overwrought. For starters, that "It was X that did Y" construction is almost always wordy.

Silver King · Mar 24, 2011

hollyfan said:
..."It was her lustrous auburn hair that really did it for him: he loved the way it poured like syrup down her face...

No one's hair ever behaves that way. Even when it's wet and heavy and sticky, it never pours like syrup.

The best similes are grounded in reality and create an immediate connection to help readers visualize part of a scene that isn't always apparent. Hair pouring like syrup has the opposite effect, taking the reader away from the story to try and figure out what you're talking about because it simply doesn't make sense.

Maxx · Mar 25, 2011

Silver King said:
No one's hair ever behaves that way. Even when it's wet and heavy and sticky, it never pours like syrup.

The best similes are grounded in reality and create an immediate connection to help readers visualize part of a scene that isn't always apparent. Hair pouring like syrup has the opposite effect, taking the reader away from the story to try and figure out what you're talking about because it simply doesn't make sense.

"Forging the contours of her massive breasts" seems more like an epic of
industrial triumph over the unwieldy natural world than anything anyone's hair would do.

Lost World · Mar 26, 2011

I happen to love massive breasts....

blacbird · Mar 26, 2011

Lost World said:
I happen to love massive breasts....

Yeah . . . but forging them? You forge thinks like horseshoes, axe blades, crowbars, battle swords . . .

Bartholomew · Mar 26, 2011

Silver King said:
No one's hair ever behaves that way. Even when it's wet and heavy and sticky, it never pours like syrup.

The best similes are grounded in reality and create an immediate connection to help readers visualize part of a scene that isn't always apparent. Hair pouring like syrup has the opposite effect, taking the reader away from the story to try and figure out what you're talking about because it simply doesn't make sense.

The syrup image worked for me. YMMV, obviously. The sentence is way too long, though.

Rufus Coppertop · Mar 27, 2011

Her hair could frame the contours of her massive breasts. Forging breasts though? That would require her hair to stand in a smithy holding a hammer and tongs beating breasts out of glowing iron.

Hair that pours like syrup?

That would require it to be liquid, sticky, viscous and attractive to flies. You might as well have hair that oozes like pus.

Is this tense changing . . .

hollyfan

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray

blacbird

Silver King

Megalops Erectus

Maxx

Got the hang of it, here

Lost World

He'll NEVER fit in!

blacbird

Bartholomew

Comic guy

Rufus Coppertop