Gullible writer needs help with Greedy neighbor

[Writer-2-Author]

Hi All,

I don't know if this is the right place to ask this question or not, but I am extremely upset right now and no longer know what to do. I have been helping a neighbor with his marriage that turned into a divorce and custody battle for the past three years. He asked me to write his story and I agreed. Not as a ghostwriter. No, I've never been published. He just asked and I agreed. No terms were discussed. I helped him regain custody of his youngest child.

After speaking with two different lawyers, speaking with agents at writers conferences, and doing a memoir workshop with 11 other writers who were writing memoirs, they ALL told me that divorce books will never sale because they're a dime a dozen. They ALL said the fact that I was a woman, a wife, and a mother-I was the selling point. They also told me that it was MY memoir and therefore I had to add me into it.

So my part of the book is about my childhood of abuse, neglect, and rejection by my birth-parents, foster parents, and adoptive parents. Again, as they stand alone I imagine these are a dime a dozen too.

Putting them together into one book, I used his divorce issues and how they triggered events from my childhood.

A month ago I sent the neighbor a "permission/release" form asking him to sign that he won't sue me for content, right to privacy, and right to story since he'd given me this verbally. However, I wrote that there would be no compensation for him. Today, he said he doesn't know if he will sign it because of the no money.

It's MY story because I'm the one who's been writing this thing for two years now. His compensation is that had I not been involved, he would not have his youngest child anymore. He'd probably be in jail for domestic abuse.

Ok, so to the point of my venting: Can I write, or rather I should say sell, a memoir/autobiography about an abusive childhood that deals with 3 sets of abusive parents that continues into adulthood? I can't, can I.............it won't sell because they're a dime a dozen.......................

Just needed to vent I guess since I've just wasted the last three years of my life for a person who was never a friend................

[thothguard51]

If his name or personal likeness in any way is revealed, he can go after you without a signed release. He could even claim that none of the events relating to what he told you is true as you presented them. And even if he signs, if his X gets a hold of this and she is painted in a negative light that she does not like you could invading her privacy. If a lot of this played out in a family court, some of the records could be sealed to protect the children and that is another thing his wife could go after you on...

Here is another thought... Do you think his kids will want to read this stuff when they grow older? You have no idea what the parents will be telling the kids about this as time passes...

You feel like you have just waisted three years of your life writing this, but is that why you got involved? To write a book or help the kids? Its up to you, but you more than likely have enough material to turn this into a fictional story based on real life events. Change the names, locations and maybe the circumstances involving the neighbor and viola...a novel ready to go...

I do wish you luck though, even if these type of stories are a dime a dozen...

[suki]

If the heart of the story is you - your life and struggles - then you should be able to cut him/his life and still have a compelling book.

If it were me in his shoes, I'd probably also say no, too - with or without compensation. But since you want to use his life/family/events, then it makes sense he'd want something out of it. And as an additional caution, if you want to write about the minor children, you might need both parents' permission.

So, if I were in your shoes, I'd rewrite the story, focused on my life and accomplishments, without reference to him and his kids/family/legal issues. I know this must be a huge disappointment, but if it were me, I'd never write about someone else's legal issues or children without iron-clad, lawyer drafted releases - it's too risky.

good luck with your project! You might very well find in rewriting it to remove him that you find a tighter, more focused on you book. :)

~suki

[Fenika]

And don't forget you spent those two years sharpening your writing skills. Even if the book is completely trunked, there are things you will take away from it.

:)

[Writer-2-Author]

Hi All,

Please don't get me wrong, everything I did was for their children! I do not have any regrets at all in that essence. I do believe the youngest child is with the right parent and I still hope the oldest one comes around.

I'm referring to the two years I've spent writing this story and all the chocolate I've eating and all the long island teas I've drunk............LOL!!! Seriously, I know it's a cliche, but I've really put my blood (paper cuts), sweat (venting outrageous events), and tears (buckets upon buckets) into this book. I had his verbal and written permission to write the story.

The problem came about when he realized he wouldn't get any money from it. Maybe I'm being the greedy one here??? Without me he wouldn't have youngest child and he would literally be in prison! For real! His wife set him up big time, but she made the mistake in telling me.

But I don't see why I owe him anything since I'm the one who's done all the work.

Ok, so you suggest that I still have a book without him, but in all honesty, do you really think so? I mean everything I've been told is like, "so what-you were abused. so were many people. what makes your story any different?" Nothing I suppose. I have multiple facets, but I don't know if that's enough.................???

You know, I never thought of the fact that the children could sue me or that I couldn't write about them. So far there is no gag order and the records haven't been sealed. I will check into that further. Thank you!!!

Thanks,
Robin

[thothguard51]

Most family court actions are sealed if the child is under 18, especially in cases of abuse. It's no body elses business...

[Cyia]

His refusal is more than understandable. Permission to write isn't the same as permission to profit solely from, especially as it was his request which started you on the story in the first place. He's living; you're using material gleaned from his life and experience; you're seeking to profit financially and professionally from those bits of his life and experience. He has every right to say "no", and I'd do the same.

[JoNightshade]

Honestly, you're probably never going to make much money out of this even if you do sell it. The chances of anyone's memoir breaking out as a bestseller are almost nil. The way I see it, offering him a percentage of the proceeds does nothing to hurt you. Say you give him 20%. If you sell it and it does moderately well, maybe you make 10K after taxes. You get 8K, he gets 2K. What's the big deal? You ARE using his story in your book, after all - it does seem that he should get something out of having his personal life in print.

On the other hand, let's say that against all odds, this is a huge hit and you make a million dollars. 80% of a million dollars is still quite a lot, isn't it? Giving him 20% is not going to bankrupt you.

Either way, you keep his friendship. I don't think him wanting a cut of possible proceeds makes him "not really a friend." I wouldn't want someone else making money off of my story, either - even if it isn't the entire book.

I don't know that this is the case, but if I were in his shoes, you telling the truth about his wife to help him win custody of his kid was simply the right thing to do. If you knew she was a liar, then you did the right thing as a decent person. That's admirable, but it doesn't mean he "owes" you anything for his children. If he is a good man who deserves his children, he doesn't owe anything to anyone and he never should have had to fight for them in the first place. The fact that he did just means the world is a sucky place.

[Writer-2-Author]

When he approached me with the idea of being "his ghostwriter," I told him then I'd think about it since I had already started the book on my own. He has been wishy-washy throughout this as one day he'd tell me to forget the book. Then he'd tell me, "we need to write this book." Then he'd tell me I'm going to hire a college student to write it. I told him, "go ahead; I'm still writing mine." Then he'd say, "We need to start writing this book." I'd tell him, "I already am." Then he'd say, "Forget the book. I need to write a screenplay."

I started this book in January of 2009 and he didn't talk to me about writing anything until the summer of 2009.

But that's not my problem. I get what you're saying though, I'm the greedy one. When he came to my house to tell me all about his wife leaving him, etc. etc. etc. neither one of us had any idea of how things were going to turn out. Ok, enough-I have no book whether he signs or not because of the children. I never thought of that........

To write just my story, I don't think it will sell because there are enough stories of abuse out there. I honestly don't know what would make my story any different.

Thank you all for your thoughts, advice, and opinions!!! You have given me a lot to think about.

Thanks,
Robin

[squibnocket]

Hi All,
But I don't see why I owe him anything since I'm the one who's done all the work.


I don't see it as solely a profit issue but one of privacy as well. It's his personal life (and that of his children and family) that's being exploited for your gain. I fully understand any reservation, financial or otherwise, for not wanting one's personal business on display by a third party.

Could you include your involvement with him in a less personally-identifying manner? Perhaps something like "As I helped a friend through a messy divorce and custody battle, I found my own way through my years of abuse, neglect, etc."? Does his story have to be central to your own?

[thothguard51]

Could you include your involvement with him in a less personally-identifying manner? Perhaps something like "As I helped a friend through a messy divorce and custody battle, I found my own way through my years of abuse, neglect, etc."? Does his story have to be central to your own?

It has already been suggested but ROF has her mind dead set its this or nothing, as is her right.

[Writer-2-Author]

Hi Squibnocket,

I don't see it as solely a profit issue but one of privacy as well. It's his personal life (and that of his children and family) that's being exploited for your gain. I fully understand any reservation, financial or otherwise, for not wanting one's personal business on display by a third party.


Forgive my confusing everyone: While I had already begun the book before he asked me to write it, he did ask. He knew I was writing the book and I had his complete permission. He has supplied me with much information for the sole purpose of writing the book. We had never discussed money. The way I saw it, I'm the one writing it. When a writer only makes approximately 70 cents per book, I wasn't expecting much.

What I did discuss with him this morning is that the book is mine since I've done all the work, but IF it should ever become a movie, (LMN is my lifelong dream!) then absolutely there would be a percentage given to him. But, I never thought of the children and their privacy. That's a whole new ballgame of stuff to think about.

Could you include your involvement with him in a less personally-identifying manner? Perhaps something like "As I helped a friend through a messy divorce and custody battle, I found my own way through my years of abuse, neglect, etc."? Does his story have to be central to your own?
The reason his story was central to my story was because first the wife left him and their children; my birth-parents gave me away after keeping me for seven years. She accused him of abuse; I have lots of abuse. She accused him of sexual abuse; I was sexually abused. Etc. and so on and so on. Everything about his story is what stirred up my story and the desire to finally write about it.

My husband has suggested that as well. I still want to tell my story, I just don't know if it would sell since there are so many books out there already on abuse. I'm tossing around writing it as a novel, based on a true story. That might be workable. The children are central to the core because they are the reason I got so involved and why I kept fighting and eventually helped to bring one home.

Thanks,
Robin

[Writer-2-Author]

Hi Thothguard51,
It has already been suggested but ROF has her mind dead set its this or nothing, as is her right.
I am so sorry if I've given you or anyone else the impression that this is an all or nothing thing for me. I turned to AW for advice because I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've been tossing around several ideas and you and others have given me great suggestions and I appreciate every one of them.

Yes, I'm even considering a percentage to the father. But, if I can't write HIS part of the story because of the children, it may be a mute subject anyway.

Thanks,
Robin

[Ruth2]

If you go ahead with the memoir as it is now written and you offer your neighbor a percentage of the profits, I suggest you get a written agreement stating how much he is to receive and both of you sign it in the presence of a notary. Otherwise it's going to be a real problem for you.

[Writer-2-Author]

Hi Ruth2,
If you go ahead with the memoir as it is now written and you offer your neighbor a percentage of the profits, I suggest you get a written agreement stating how much he is to receive and both of you sign it in the presence of a notary. Otherwise it's going to be a real problem for you.
That is a great idea, thank you! I still need to check into the children though. If the records are sealed, then it won't matter. I'm still checking into things. Thank you!
Thanks,
Robin

[thothguard51]

ROF,

I am gong to ask one last question for you think on honestly. Does it matter if the records are sealed or not? What are the children going to feel later in life? How will this knowledge affect them? Are you ready to deal with this in 10, 15, 20 years from now if one of them wants to challenge you?

I speak from experience, in that children hear and know more than adults think, and they have their own perceptions of who is right and who is wrong. For many children of divorced families, it don't matter, the mom and dad are still the mom and dad and they will love them. Yes there are exceptions in abuse, but many children don't want to believe it, or hear it. They would rather remember the good than the bad.

I keep thinking of the Reality Show, the one with John and Kate and their 8 kids. I can't imagine how they are going to deal with all this crap later in life when their family secrets are all in magazines and on TV. I really feel sorry for those kids...

[Writer-2-Author]

Hi Thothguard51,

You are right and have raised very valid questions. I guess I'd always hoped that the oldest child would come around asking questions and I'd be able to answer them for her. She's already asked me once, but I told her I had to wait until the case was over. I think she would believe me because her mom lived with me for awhile and we'd become friends, on my part anyway. The mom is looking at a strong chance of going to prison for fraud. I figured the children would want to know and wouldn't want to hear it from their father. It wouldn't be a he said/she said thing with me as it would between their parents. Naive on my part I suppose.

The last thing I want to do is cause more pain for them. I will scrap the whole thing in order to save them further pain. I will find a different way to tell my story even if it means not telling it at all. I never took the children into consideration and I thank you and everyone else for bringing that to my attention!

Thanks,
Robin

[mccardey]

The last thing I want to do is cause more pain for them. I will scrap the whole thing in order to save them further pain. Robin

Yep. I think that's probably the only decent and honourable way to deal with this.

Writers have lots of books to write. Write a different one.

:)

[PinkAmy]

Yep. I think that's probably the only decent and honourable way to deal with this.

Writers have lots of books to write. Write a different one.

:)

I agree. This project has so many problems written all over it. I don't blame the guy for wanting a cut of the profits if you are writing HIS story and getting your research information from HIM. You decided to change the focus and write about your story. You can still do that by saying that you got overly involved in your neighbor's marital problems, without going into any detail. Ideally, this should be the focus of your memoir anyway. There's a difference between legal right and moral right, whether or not you get sued, assuming you write the book.
I believe you can write a memoir about your experiences in life without including your neighbors. It won't be as sensational, but a memoir should stand on it's own, regardless. The question going forward is: do I have an interesting and unique enough story to tell and can I get an agent to rep that story.

[Writer-2-Author]

Hi All,

I just wanted to say thank you for all of your suggestions, opinions, and advice. I had never thought of the children's feeling and you shed some light on the subject for me. I have decided to change the whole book and make it a novel based on a true story. Since this changes everything for me, I have lots of work to do.

Thanks,
Robin

[Pyekett]

ROF, that sounds like a decision that is good for you, for the children, and very possibly for the writing. Strong work.

[REMLIG]

ROF -- Don't give up. Stay positive.

[Writer-2-Author]

Hi Remlig,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. Today was a rough one for me and your words are appreciated.

Thanks,
Robin