live long and phosphor

Hi to everyone on this site.

I've tapped into its wealth from many angles: reading which publishers have been known to screw people over; the things to look out for on a publisher's site that give away low professionalism or scams; uncle Jim's advice; the general feedback people give to each other's queries.

Not being content with that, I now become a member. I plan to attempt to find beta readers and, of course, to give something back in the form of info concerning publishers with whom business has been done (something which will hopefully happen soon, or I'll gnaw my writing desk again), and give feedback to other fidgeting wretches, who, like me, are pining for validation and coherent advice.

Most importantly perhaps, I come in peace

There was also an early 90's B film about an alien killer who bled white goo when wounded and used flying CD's to slice up people. His only line was 'I come in peace'.

But not me, no, I don't bleed white goo and I'd never slice up people with CD's. Fling tapes at them at the most.

Thank's for the newbie guide, reddog

In the midst of drafting an outline, I'm forced to change my drugs: from coffee to black tea.

Thank you, nightly palipitations It'll be curious how this will affect my style. Will it become more English? haha

And where, if anywhere, should this go? Who knows...

Possibly a thousand people have already done this. Nevertheless, here’s the dim suspicion about some facts behind flashy sentences I’m coming across when researching authors. In some cases, that is.

If this is not a repeat – then by all means, please add more!

Author John Smith is:

1. “Acclaimed author” (1) –another author of same house has called him the next Tolkien, the next Stephen King, the next Rawling, the next Stephanie Mayer or the next Dan Brown.

2. “Acclaimed author” (2) – has only five reviews on Amazon, all praising him to high heavens, all in suspiciously similar sentences.

3. “Highly acclaimed author” – more than one review in websites not ran by publisher or friends/relatives of publisher have said his books do not suck completely.

4. “Award winning author” (1) – has been given award by legit enthusiasts about whom eleven people in the world have heard.

5. “Award winning author” (2) – has been given an award for attending some event organized by publishing house or friends/relatives of publishing house.

6. “Award winning author” (3) – has been given a scrupulously phrased prize aimed at him alone: the “best first novel by author no taller than 5.2. feet and with birthmark on left nostril working in the gay time traveling cowboy horror romance with Lenin presented as one-legged evil cyborg from Jupiter sub-genre.”

7. “Wildly successful author” (1) – manages to pay part of utility bills by writing an interplanetary vampire e-romance every two weeks.

8. “Wildly successful author” (2) – Rights have been bought by small TV network/shoestring film factory - series folded after three episodes or laughable direct for DVD film made or rights reverted unrealized. From now on the author frequently mentions “his experience with Hollywood.”

9. “Bestselling author” (1) – has sold 87 copies and thus is among the top betselling authors on his mini-publisher’s website

10. “Bestselling author” (2) – due to coordinated buying of twenty books in forty minutes, has reached top 100 for two hours on specific sub-category book-selling website. Since then will be forever known as “outselling Asimov”.

11. “Bestselling author” (3) – has brushed specialized genre bestseller list for a after viral marketing upon reliece. Thus generating 90% of sales in first week and a book a month forevermore.

12. “Bestselling author with works translated into many languages including French, Slovakian and Samoan” – the other “many languages” are either “one” or are “pending”. Or “British”.

13. “Internationally Bestselling author” – due to giving online interview for genre-related online Bratsk magazine has sold 420 copies in Slovakia, thus reaching the position of ninth bestselling book of this genre in Bratislawa between March 14th and March 21st.

14. “New York Times bestselling author” – has once brushed the list for a week because publisher has organized the buying of 3000 copies in high profile bookstores.

15. “Legendary bestselling author” - has once brushed the NYTimes list for a week in 1985.

16. “Bestselling author with millions of books sold” – after twenty years and thirty seven books, has sold 1 000 012 books. Copies currently in print – 1 480.

Thank yee, thank yee