Target audience & writing style

[Elwyn]

My writing target is the young adult audience – starting at the age of ten years.

Is the writing style to be much different than that which is targeted to adults? I’ve read on this forum where prose is to be “elegant.” What good is elegant prose if it doesn’t get the point across – to the YA reader?

Please note that I've made a living as a technical writer, where I had to get the "point" across as quickly as possible (few words) - with 100% accuracy. Now I find I have to add a bunch of words to make things "elegant."

Below is a paragraph from the chapter 10 excerpt of my novel"
Once everybody was inside, Rukbat lit his torch and led the way, followed by Anode. The cave opened up into a huge area and as they made their way deeper into the cavern, they noticed the sounds of the waterfall fade off into the distance.

So, what needs changed to make the paragraph read better?:)

[Fishmonkey]

My writing target is the young adult audience – starting at the age of ten years.

Is the writing style to be much different than that which is targeted to adults? I’ve read on this forum where prose is to be “elegant.” What good is elegant prose if it doesn’t get the point across – to the YA reader?

Please note that I've made a living as a technical writer, where I had to get the "point" across as quickly as possible (few words) - with 100% accuracy. Now I find I have to add a bunch of words to make things "elegant."

Below is a paragraph from the chapter 10 excerpt of my novel"
Once everybody was inside, Rukbat lit his torch and led the way, followed by Anode. The cave opened up into a huge area and as they made their way deeper into the cavern, they noticed the sounds of the waterfall fade off into the distance.

So, what needs changed to make the paragraph read better?:)

In my limited understanding of marketing categories, ten is more in the middle grade category; I usually think of YA as teenagers. Some YA books I've seen are rather dark -- not what you'd want a ten-year-old reading.

As for language, I believe kids are often quite sophisticated readers. I would write YA in the same way as I would write for adults -- without simplifying the language; kids rarely want to feel like they are reading a kids' book. Even if there are words they don't understand, it's better than talking to them like they were toddlers. And elegant prose is always good, for adults or youngsters. However, I don't think 'elegant' means baroque -- i.e., there's no need to add extra words if you don't feel that you need them.

As for the paragraph -- it is extremely difficult to judge anything from such a small sample. Likewise, I wouldn't suggest any revisions since I have no idea what preceeds or follows this paragraph. "Huge area" seemed a bit vague, but otherwise I just can't say.

[Aconite]

Streamlined prose can be elegant. Fishmonkey is right: Don't start adding extra words in an attempt to make it "elegant." You're more likely to make it clunky and wordy. Work on getting exactly the right combination of exactly the right words to get your idea across.

Without context, it's difficult to say much about your sample. Is Anode's name a deliberate reference to an electrical anode, for example?

[Elwyn]

Aconite -

Yes, Anode's name, as well as the names of all the other Gnomes, comes from scientific terms. The reasons; the Gnomes are the science folk on the planet - and, if I would be so lucky as to have the book published, young folks may learn some scientific terms - if they take the time to look them up.

Other names used can be seen at: http://www.thequeenofparadise.com/main_characters.html

Here's the entire excerpt:
“You two can go,” said Bebay. “I’m staying right here where it’s warm and dry.”

“Oh, let’s go in a little ways, Bebay,” said Chemar. “It should be fun.”

The entire group coaxed Bebay until she relented. “Okay – but just for a little ways,” she groaned. “There may be animals in there.”

The gang-of-four got the torches from the wagon and carefully led the girls in under the waterfall and into the cave’s entrance. “Wait a minute,” said Chort. He ran back under the waterfall and came back shortly with a large hoop of rope draped around his neck. “You never know,” he said, while patting the rope.

Once everybody was inside, Rukbat lit his torch and led the way, followed by Anode. The cave opened up into a huge area and as they made their way deeper into the cavern, they noticed the sounds of the waterfall fade off into the distance.

“It stinks in here,” complained Bebay.

“It’s a cave, not your mother’s kitchen,” retorted Chort.

They could hear the sound of water trickling over the walls of the cave and the musty smell of mushrooms filled the damp air. After going several yards deeper inside the cavern, Chort lit his torch. They noticed that the floor of the cave started to descend rapidly, and then drop off into a large gorge. On the left, running along the cave’s wall, was a wide ledge that seemed like a path that wound along the deep pit at their right.

“This is far enough,” barked Bebay. “Let’s get back before something bad happens.”

“Nothing bad is going to happen,” said Chort. “You’ve got us to protect you.”

“That’s exactly what I’m worried about,” snapped Bebay.

The flickering of the orange-yellow light from the torches caused eerie reflections to be cast from the wet walls of the cave and the shadows of the rocks seemed to move as if following them.

“I’m going back, with or without any of you,” declared Bebay. “Come on, Chemar.”

“Oh, just a little further,” coaxed Chemar. “Don’t you think this is exciting?”

“No, I don’t!”

“Listen!” Rukbat said, as he stopped dead in his tracks. They could hear the scurrying of small feet in the pit to their right. Rukbat leaned over the ledge holding his torch out over the precipice. He could see small beady eyes looking up at him from another ledge, and then heard the yipping sound of what seemed like a small dog.

“What’s that?” demanded Bebay, excitedly.

“It’s just some foxes,” said Rukbat. “We probably woke them up.”

Bebay stomped her foot down of the hard rock path and folded her arms across here chest. “That’s it!” she shouted. “I’m not going any further. You all can just go on without me.”

“Have it your way,” Bebay,” said Chort. “But it’s going to get very dark standing here all by yourself.”

“Yeah, pitch black dark,” said Anode.

“This path has to lead somewhere,” said Rukbat. “I’m going to follow it and see where it goes. I think it must have been important at one time. It’s too smooth and wide just to occur naturally.”

“It definitely did not occur naturally,” said Anode. “It was cut on purpose. Look at the tool marks on the wall.” Anode pointed to what looked like chisel marks on the wall adjacent to the walkway.

“If anybody wants to go back, they can – but I’m going to see where this leads,” said Rukbat.

Bebay finally relented, and the group started heading deeper into the cavern; with Bebay complaining about every new strange sound and smell.

Rukbat noticed the walls of the cave getting closer together, tapering down rapidly as they advanced deeper inside. The torch light revealed that they had reached the end of their journey. The path led to a large flat floor. At the end of the cavern was a flat wall, chiseled from the stone. In the center of the wall was a large door. It had no handles and looked as if was part of the rock wall, only recessed about six inches into the wall of the cavern. On each side of the door were torch holders.

“We’ve definitely found something,” said Anode. “I don’t recognize the material that this door’s made of.”

Rukbat kicked at the door which gave a dull thud while Anode started looking around the door frame that was built into the rock. “I think it slides,” offered Anode. “Somehow it slides either left or right – or up or down to open – unless it’s hinged from the inside. But that wouldn’t make sense, since there’s no handles on this side.”

“Lets put these torches in the holders,” said Rukbat. “Enif, get up on my shoulders.” Rukbat handed Chort his torch and Enif climbed up on his brother’s shoulders, then Chort handed Enif his torch who placed it in the holder. Rukbat carried Enif to the other side of the door and he put the other lit torch in its holder. The glow of the torches revealed a half-circle over the door with an inscription of strange markings in a semi-circular pattern.

“I sure don’t recognize those markings,” said Anode.

“My father needs to know about this place,” said Bebay, finally breaking her silence. “We must've found something of some importance.”

“What do we do now?” asked Chemar.

“We find out what’s on the other side of this door,” answered Rukbat. “Anode, do you have any suggestions?”

“Shhh – what’s that noise?” said Chort.

“It sounds like it’s coming from down in the pit,” squealed Bebay.

“I’m afraid I have a very good idea what it is,” said Anode. Anode lit his torch then went over to the edge of the floor and held the torch over the pit.

“Snakes!” yelled Enif, as he held on to Anode’s arm and peered into the pit. “Hundreds, maybe thousands of em!"

[sassandgroove]

Elwyn,

As to your original post, when I was ten, I read the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis, a slew of Judy Blume books, and not Freckle Juice or the others with ten year olds, I read those when I was eight, but the ones with older kids. I read any book I could get my hands on. One, called the Headless Cupid was about teen step siblings and the occult. I can't remember the author. Don't underestimate kids. There are ten year olds who read Tolkien out there.

and also, I never thought wordy=elegant. I think of elegance as being succint, yet beautiful.

I think there are more qualified people around here to comment on your excerpt. But I will say, on your webpage, I think it would read better if you take out 'A'. A Shangri-la sounds vauge. Make it precise. IF the the place is like Shangi La, name it and descibe it as such. If it is called Shangri La, then just remove A and let it be the name. Just my two cents.

Keep writing. :)

[henriette]

i brought "gone with the wind" to school in seventh grade and got in trouble. the teacher thought it was too adult and advanced for me to read and considered it an inappropriate book to bring into a catholic school. thank goodness my mother encouraged me to finish it- i read it in three weeks and to this day, i remember it better than books i read just a year ago.

i think it's marvellous that you are writing a challenging book for young adults. they are all a lot smarter than some adults give them credit for :)

[Garpy]

For a ten year old, your example seems okay. However, if you're after the YA market, you're looking 14-21 or thereabouts. Kids that age, you don't want to patronise....one whiff of that and they're off. So I'd write it as if for adults-who-don't-have-time-to-read-purple-prose. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

[scarletpeaches]

I once heard a children's author say, "Never talk down to your readers."

Says it all, really.

[PattiTheWicked]

Kids are smarter than adults generally give them credit for, and SMART kids are way smarter than most adults realize. It's because when they're around average adults they speak one way, and when they're around other smart people they speak another. I was a gifted child, and can honestly say that by ten I had read Shakespeare, Tolkien, John Jakes' Kent Family Chronicles, Gone With the Wind, and many other books which were considered too "adult" for kids my age. The more I read, the better my vocabulary became, and the more I expanded my vocabulary, the more I was able to read.

I'd suggest writing your story the way you want to tell it, and then get a group of kids to beta read it. If the fifteen year olds think it's a little juvenile, but the ten year olds think it's great, there's your answer. If the ten year olds think it's for kids littler than them, then that's an entirely different answer.

[Elwyn]

I read a couple of the HP books and found them to be very simplistic and easy reads. Rowling uses a LOT of, what some of you may call patronizing, simple banter between the characters. I guess she’s the one I’m trying to learn from. You can’t argue with success!

If I'm missing some of ya'll's point here, I'd appreciate your help.

[PattiTheWicked]

Although Rowling's dialog is sometimes simple, her plot lines and stories are not. That's what keeps even 37-year-old SUV-driving suburban moms devouring the Harry Potter books. And some books, even though they're written at a "younger" age level, are just plain GOOD. I work in our school library two mornings a week, and I'm completely hooked on the Magic Tree House series. They're designed for fourth graders, or thereabouts, and they're well done.

I don't really see Rowling's banter as patronizing, and here's why: most of the adults treat the children like adults. Sirius Black and Professor Lupin and even Professor Snape -- who hates EVERYONE -- talk to the children on a level that's not condescending in the least. There are times when Harry, in particular, whines about everyone treating him like a child, but they're not -- it's merely his perception that he's suddenly being treated like a teenager -- like everyone else.

So, while yes, the HP books are written in a style that even a fifth-grader can read and enjoy, i wouldn't call them "easy" reads at all, simply because the story lines within the Potterverse are anything BUT easy :)

[sassandgroove]

And, if I may Patti, the Harry Potter books get more complicated as the characters age.

[Elwyn]

:kiss: Wicked Patti -

You've given me a LOT of encouragement. It seems that the excerpt from Chapter 10 doesn't explain that all who are involved are juvenile - a bunch of "kids" - one Gnome and five Dwarves go on a picnic and find a cave and go exploring. I guess that's why I couldn't understand some of the other comments about talking down to young people - I thought the comment was directed at the actual events and dialog of the story.

In the book, these "kids" are treated like adults and are heroes and heroines in many adventures. Maybe I'll change the book's title to "The Young Rascals torment Satan."

In the first three chapters I spend most of the time building the characters of this group. There are two females (Bebay and Chemar) and four males (Ruckbat, Enif, Chort and Anode). Anode is the only Gnome - who works for his scientist uncle and is always bringing the others stuff from the laboratory that they use for pranks. Bebay is the "pesty" cousin of Rukbat, Chort and Enif. Chemar is a new "friend" that Rukbat has developed quite an interest in - a schoolboy crush, if you will.

If you think it wise, I'll change the Web site and put the first three chapters on it. This book is intended for kids.

[PattiTheWicked]

And, if I may Patti, the Harry Potter books get more complicated as the characters age.

Oh, absolutely. There are more twists and turns than anyone can ever anticipate. And actually, if you think about it, the earlier books are pretty complex in the fact that she's busy foreshadowing all the stuff that comes later. Rowling is a master at dropping hints in one book that you'll need to remember four books later, so stuff that seems mundane and useless in "Chamber of Secrets" actually turns out to be Really Very Important in "Goblet of Fire".

[PattiTheWicked]

You've given me a LOT of encouragement. It seems that the excerpt from Chapter 10 doesn't explain that all who are involved are juvenile - a bunch of "kids" - one Gnome and five Dwarves go on a picnic and find a cave and go exploring. I guess that's why I couldn't understand some of the other comments about talking down to young people - I thought the comment was directed at the actual events and dialog of the story.

In the book, these "kids" are treated like adults and are heroes and heroines in many adventures. Maybe I'll change the book's title to "The Young Rascals torment Satan." .

I find that concept rather appealing, actually :)

And yeah, I think part of the problem may be that there really IS no indication that these are kids. Particularly in the world of fantasy -- dwarves, elves and the like -- when you have character species that tend to be long lived, it's really hard to distinguish between kids and "grown ups". As an example, in LOTR, Frodo is actually in something like his 30's when Fellowship begins. However, he's considered just a young pup, because hobbits live to be eleventy-something, and it's made clear very early on that Frodo is indeed young, innocent and not experienced in the ways of the world, which is why it works so well. The story wouldn't have been as appealing if LOTR had been the adventures of a bunch of thirty-year-old guys.

In the first three chapters I spend most of the time building the characters of this group. There are two females (Bebay and Chemar) and four males (Ruckbat, Enif, Chort and Anode). Anode is the only Gnome - who works for his scientist uncle and is always bringing the others stuff from the laboratory that they use for pranks. Bebay is the "pesty" cousin of Rukbat, Chort and Enif. Chemar is a new "friend" that Rukbat has developed quite an interest in - a schoolboy crush, if you will.

If you think it wise, I'll change the Web site and put the first three chapters on it. This book is intended for kids.

Ultimately, if you want kids to read it, you have to give them a reason to want to read it. I'll give you an example. Remember the movie, "The Goonies"? If you don't, go rent it. The Goonies were a bunch of kids who were basically losers, but found strength -- and ultimately heroism -- in their friendship. There wasn't a kid out there who didn't identify with at least one of the Goonies. I'm not saying all your characters should be losers, but there's got to be something that kids can identify with, that makes them stop and say, "Wow, I remember feeling just like that once." Kids aren't just short adults, so a story that works with adult characters won't necessarily work with younger characters.

Seriosuly, find yourself a few twelve year olds to read the chapters you've done so far. If they say they want to read more, you're on the right track. If they tell you it's just kinda okay, then ask them what would MAKE them want to read more. You'd probably be surprised at the answers. :)