So, I'm shopping a novel around...

[Bartholomew]

...you know what kind of novel. Opens with the weather, ends with a dead character you've never heard of coming back to say he loves his pet moth. Has hunks of short story sprinkled in, neither begun nor finished.

It's a little artsy, I know, but I'm really challenging some conventions of fiction with it, and I think I've chosen my publisher.

I was wondering though, with all the legal trouble, if it was a bad idea to submit right now.

[Little1]

Erm to Publish America? It is NEVER a good time to submit to them. Take a look at this section.

[shaldna]

Is it a 'so bad it's good' novel?

[Bartholomew]

Erm to Publish America? It is NEVER a good time to submit to them. Take a look at this section.

Oh, wow. Who knew? Well, I still think I'll consider them. Their specific method of reaching audiences is uniquely appropriate for this book.

[Maryn]

I think this book sounds perfect for them! And their marketing plan is exactly what this book deserves, too.

Maryn, tongue in cheek

[KTC]

bart...i've been noticing a pattern with you of late.

it's time to stop skipping your meds. get back on the wagon, bartman. (-:

[Chris P]

It sounds like you need an overly verbose coauthor who uses too many adverbs, prepositional phrases and tends to be redundant, say the same things over and over again and repeats himself. Some irrelevant tangents would be appreciated, such as that time my uncle was was towing his boat and the hitch came undone and he didn't know it until he stopped at a red light and the boat and trailer went sailing past him and into the intersection.

[KTC]

and sprinkles.

[Richard Falk]

...you know what kind of novel. Opens with the weather, ends with a dead character you've never heard of coming back to say he loves his pet moth. Has hunks of short story sprinkled in, neither begun nor finished.

Have you been plagiarising me? This sounds exactly like my novel Warp, except my ending makes a lot less sense.

[Bartholomew]

Have you been plagiarising me? This sounds exactly like my novel Warp, except my ending makes a lot less sense.

Probably. My Weird Capacitor is full.

[PVish]

Well, of course you're going to need some pirates, vampires, a shape-shifter or two, maybe a dinosaur (or a unicorn, depending), and a portal into somewhere else. And more adverbs.

[Cyia]

First you need to make sure it's Sanskrit compliant. Nothing worse than a book written in obscure dialects.

Then you have to make sure the accents are authentic.

People love characters named Miranda and Larry, so that's a must.

It's also imperative that you TURN OFF SPELL CHECK. Don't do the editors' jobs for them, they hate that.

Now the last bit's tricky. I need to know if you actually want someone to read this book or not. Your answer will affect my response.

And more adverbs.
Definitely. Absolutely. And ALOT. <--- spelled like that.

[Gravity]

I just hope you get plenty of sells. :evil

[DaveKuzminski]

And you need a foreigner with a cute accent, but you can dump him before the last chapter.

[DrZoidberg]

You can get a whole free chapter by having a flashback to an earlier chapter. That way you can just copy paste the whole chapter in the new spot. Clever, isn't it?

[Bookdragonette]

Needs more dingoes-eating babies.

[Marie Pacha]

MORE COMMAS!

[Queen of Swords]

You mean comas.

[Marie Pacha]

You mean comas.

Glad you caught that! You should edit the manuscript.

[AudioGenius]

Well, of course you're going to need some pirates, vampires, a shape-shifter or two, maybe a dinosaur (or a unicorn, depending), and a portal into somewhere else. And more adverbs.

... Hmmm, A teenage vampire-pirate, were-tiger romance. The vampire-pirates can ride unicorns, the were-tigers will ride dinosaurs. I'm sure we can figure out a portal. Oh, and of course the vampires should sparkle. *grumble*

There's a fortune in here somewhere, I'm sure of it.

[DaveKuzminski]

Don't forget to put in more sodomy. SF writers will know the in-joke on that. ;)

[Bartholomew]

Needs more dingoes-eating babies.

I think there's actually a spot in chapter 89 for a baby who eats dingoes.

[circlexranch]

And, sentences about comas, with alot, of, commas.

Also, do NOT forget to randomly CAPITALIZE words to make your point, emphatically.

[merrihiatt]

Deleted by Merri

[Gillhoughly]

Well, of course you're going to need some pirates, vampires, a shape-shifter or two, maybe a dinosaur (or a unicorn, depending), and a portal into somewhere else. And more adverbs.

It's been done.

http://www.sff.net/people/jchines/Temp/Elven%20Vampire.jpg


A review. (http://crevette.livejournal.com/113659.html) Beverage alert. Seriously.


Jim C. Hines blog (http://jimhines.livejournal.com/518985.html) on PA from a few days back.

[Cyia]

NOT THE LOLLIPOP FANGS OF DOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Chumplet]

AND DON'T FORGET TO PUT IN A DOUBLE RAINBOW! Everyone will be dying to know what it means.

[stormie]

First you need to make sure it's Sanskrit compliant. Nothing worse than a book written in obscure dialects.

Then you have to make sure the accents are authentic.

People love characters named Miranda and Larry, so that's a must.

It's also imperative that you TURN OFF SPELL CHECK. Don't do the editors' jobs for them, they hate that.

Now the last bit's tricky. I need to know if you actually want someone to read this book or not. Your answer will affect my response.


Definitely. Absolutely. And ALOT. <--- spelled like that.
:ROFL:

[Richard Falk]

You can get a whole free chapter by having a flashback to an earlier chapter. That way you can just copy paste the whole chapter in the new spot. Clever, isn't it?

Oi! You've been reading my novel as well?

[Gillhoughly]

!pu sgniht ekahs lliw taht--sdrawkcab gnihtyreve etirW

.tnof daer ot drah a esU

[stormie]

!pu sgniht ekahs lliw taht--sdrawkcab gnihtyreve etirW

.tnof daer ot drah a esU
They'd think it's pure genius.

[DaveKuzminski]

And make sure the cover features at least one bare-chested man with washboard abs making eyes at a saucy wench [wrench? ;) in case he's a mechanic] in a torn bathrobe and tiara. The wrench can be nude cause the censors won't catch that if he's holding it in his hand or it's partly blocked from sight by another tool (pun intended). ;)

[Gillhoughly]

Like, oh...this one, Dave?

http://www.worldoflongmire.com/features/romance_novels/mcmullet.jpg



Longmire does romance! (http://www.worldoflongmire.com/features/romance_novels/)

[DaveKuzminski]

Close, but no tiara. ;)

[Eddyz Aquila]

Does it have cute kittens inside? If yes, I'm the first buyer!

[PVish]

!pu sgniht ekahs lliw taht--sdrawkcab gnihtyreve etirW

.tnof daer ot drah a esU

And in a foreign language. Or several. AND IN CAPITAL LETTERS.

[DreamWeaver]

And nicely broken up
into random length lines so
it looks like
poetry.

[Bartholomew]

And nicely broken up
into random length lines so
it looks like
poetry.

Only the prime-numbered pages of even numbered chapters, silly.

[Uncarved]

I'll only buy it if the sparkly vampires really do have hearts of gold and speed off in their black trans-am after leading a convoy from Alice's Restaurant.

[Bartholomew]

I've decided to have a section for guest authors, whom I know will want to participate in this prestigious book.

(This segment will be randomly dispursed throughout the book.)

Don't worry about tense or case, by the way. I've written this in such a way that the quest portions will fit.

[Elisabeth Bruce]

Is there a love interest in this story? There should always be a love interest in a story - if only to bulk out the word count or to go back to when you've hit a boggy bit and need some thinking time so you can write the real story.

[DaveKuzminski]

Remember that the cute kittens must save the protagonist at least once before the climax.

[Elisabeth Bruce]

Climax!! Is that the same as a story arc?

I forget, I'm a Little Old Lady.

[Gillhoughly]

http://lpmuds.net/war_kittens.jpg


YES!

http://static.jasongraphix.com/uploads/dodge-wk.jpg

[Marie Pacha]

You've met my cat?

[DreamWeaver]

Climax!! Hey, you guys have had some good ideas, but I think you ought to steer clear of the pron.

[Alphabeter]

So the Positively True Adventures of the Alleged New Mexico Fist of God would be a bad title?

Its not pron-ish, but it will leave you feeling screwed...

[PVish]

So ripped bodices and heaving bosoms are out? Even for the kittens?