DVD Studio Cons-- Movies So Horrible They Hurt

[dgiharris]

I am beyond pissed. Two years ago I got conned into buying a horrid horrid film by Asylum called Alien Vs. Hunter.

For those of you who don't know, Asylum is a production company spawned by the Dark Lord's evil minions. Their goal is to produce movies that cause the viewers physical pain by overloading the cerebral cortex with awful.

They basically piggy back on major upcoming films, slap something together with a similar title and cover art, and set about conning you into buying it, counting on simple math and human error for their sales.

Movies like Transmorphers instead of Transformers or Alien Vs. Hunter instead of Alien Vs. Predator.

Imagine if you gave several ten year-olds a production budget of $10K along with 1980s technology and asked them to make a sci-fi film. The quality, script, and production would be better than an Asylum film.

Anyways, I was at the Redbox and decided to get a movie. I saw the cover art for a Movie Called Star Quest the Odyssey (Maverick Films) and read the back, it had a decent looking storyline and showed a computer generated special effects that looked okay.

I decided to take a gamble and get it (only $1)

How wrong I was.

Maverick Films must be the bastard half brother of Asylum films. My god, the beginning of the film was a 5 minute horrid info dump of spliced historical NASA footage. THe info dump started with the phrase "Since the Dawn of Time" and in my head I screamed "Shit am I screwed"

But I suffered through it thinking that maybe, if there is a god, the movie will at least be watchable once it got going.

Boy was I wrong.

Think of the cheesiest 1960s Star Trek or Batman choreographed fight.

Now picture something ten times worse and make that your opening scene.

The fight took place between a human and a cyborg (with aluminum foil and cardboard pieces stuck on his body)

Anyways, I tried to watch this film just to see how bad it was, but then I passed out from the awful.

So, what annoys me to no end here, is that it is possible to make a decent film without the big hollywood budgets.

Just look at an episode of Outer Limits, Twilight Zone, Doctor Who, Sliders, Being Human, etc. etc.

I mean, with all the writers out there, with all the scripts out there, why do these studios produce such crap?

A B-movie doesn't have to suck.

Okay, end rant

I feel better now

Oh, and for discussion, am I alone? Anyone else get conned into getting a ridiculously bad movie?

Mel...

[Zoombie]

The Cinema Snob (http://thecinemasnob.com/categories/The%20Cinema%20Snob.aspx) shares your pain.

He's an internet reviewer who does nothing but review Z grade schlock, including Blood Sucking Freaks, Porno Holocaust, SS. Extermination Love Camp and lets not forget: E.T The Porno.

[underthecity]

I wonder the exact same thing. Reading your review of A Vs H triggered the memory of a movie my wife recently rented (before our neighborhood Movie Gallery shut down) because it "looked interesting," namely, Haunting of Winchester House (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1521787/).

Prior to posting this, I looked it up on imdb and saw the company that made it:

Asylum.

While I was watching movie some weeks ago, I kept wondering why they made it. And later I described it as "The little movie that couldn't."

It was about this family that moves into a remote house in the country, the "Winchester" house, evidently inspired by the Winchester Mystery House. It sort of looked like it on the outside (it was CGI house) but didn't share most of the architecture or expanse of the real house. I think its title was chosen soley for the DVD browser to think it was connected to Sarah Winchester's real mansion. (In fact, "Sarah Winchester" was a character in the movie, well, a ghost, really.)

This movie was derivative of many other films including The Sixth Sense, where (spoiler alert!) it turns out the family died in a car crash on their way to the house, and the rest of the movie was about their ghosts. A mysterious local psychic visits them, but as it turns out, he's the only one who can see them and talk to them.

There's more to the plot, but why get into it? You've seen it all before in much better movies than this.

Even the acting was forced most of the time. It was like the actors were embarassed to be in the movie, their prime motivation was collecting their paychecks.

I watched the "making of" extra, because I always do. The director, the actors, the crew, seemed to be working so hard to make this piece of crap that I wondered the same thing I asked earlier: Why? Why did they go through all this trouble to make such a bad movie?

[Jcomp]

The problem is those movies still make some money, one way or another. So the creative laziness wins out. It's certainly possible to make a good movie on a cheap budget, but it's easier to make a lousy movie on a cheap budget and wrap it in pretty packaging.

For a while there I was so determined to find the next great, low-budget, straight-to-DVD horror gem that I was renting anything with a decent DVD cover and relatively interesting synopsis. I was also reading up on a lot of these movies online, which didn't help as a lot of horror sites / reviewers grade on a sort of "horror curve," where things like acting, plotting and dialogue often get a pass because allegedly that's not what people watch horror movies for. I'll not get into that rant, but suffice to say after getting burned for about the tenth time I abandoned that little project.

[poetinahat]

*wipes tears from eyes*

The OP needs to be ported to Comedy SYW. That's gold!

[Kitty Pryde]

At least you only paid a dollar?

I have a friend who used to like finding the worst possible movies, convincing his wife to watch them him, then swearing her to secrecy and bringing them over for movie night for everybody to watch, claiming they were "really good".

I forget the name of the worst one, but it was a very low budget horror movie set in an abandoned warehouse or something and the cast consisted of C- and D- list rappers. Basically, it made "Leprechaun: In Tha Hood" look like "Citizen Kane".

[Noah Body]

I've seen some product by Asylum, and they make me harken back to the good old days when fare such as Galaxy of Terror and Humanoids From the Deep were considered low-rent, retch-inducing drivel. And they were, but in comparison Corman's releases are bright, shining lights of wonder.

[Cyia]

Must be the same people who put out The Day the Earth Stopped.

[darkprincealain]

Yes, they sure did put out The Day the Earth Stopped. It is a slapshod attempt to capitalize on the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still.

I think generally a title that seems similar to a summer blockbuster with an eerily similar title is pretty much assumed to be by either them or an associated production company until proven otherwise... they've been doing it for years. They're just getting more attention now that people rent more than they go to theatres and Asylum are getting Redbox distribution.

[Noah Body]

I actually kind of liked I Am Omega, because it was silly enough that I was able to laugh at it without puking at the same time.

[Lyra Jean]

Gah! Asylum Films please don't remind me. I already washed out my brain from the films by them I've seen with my Dad.

My dad actively looks for their films. He's says they have been improving. It's scary to know that he's seen enough of them to know that they are improving because I have still yet to see a difference. Perhaps I don't watch enough of their films but do I want to? No.

I only like watching them and betting my dad which person is going to die first and which will survive and who will hook up with who.

[dgiharris]

I would equate an Asylum film to a full length porn that wasn't allowed to feature any sex.

But the Maverick Films, if you can believe it, are WORSE than Asylum.

I had no idea such a feat was even possible.

Mel...

[SirOtter]

Hard to beat Starcrash, made in the aftermath of Star Wars, for bad beyond the limits of awful. One of those films so bad it wasn't released, it escaped. It 'starred' those ultra-talented thespians Marjoe Gortner, David Hasselhoff and Caroline Munro starred, along with a slumming Christopher Plummer, who spent the film looking like he was devising a plot to corner his agent in a dark alley so he could eviscerate him with a spork. At least Munro was emminently watchable, but there's no way to turn off the sound or fast forward to her impressive pulchritude in a movie theater. All the spaceships had parts trees from model kits glued to the side and spray painted day-glo colors. I recognized the pieces from a tank model I'd built about a week before on one ship. If you are unfortunate enough to find yourself in possession of this piece of dreck, you should track down the source and do unto them what Plummer wanted to do to his agent. I've seen better film on a dog's teeth.

[Noah Body]

Caroline Munro! A true talent, if ever there was one.

[Jess Haines]

I love (LOVE!) cheesy horror movies.

Yet I share your pain. I had this experience with a terrible movie that had a very similar cover to the Masters of Horror series. I grabbed it off the shelf at the store without really looking. Didn't notice the error until I got home. Sat down and watched it anyway.

I want those two hours of my life back.

[SirOtter]

Caroline Munro! A true talent, if ever there was one.

Two, actually. ;)

She adorned several much better Hammer films in the late 60s and early 70s. Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter was probably the best of the lot.

[maxmordon]

This is nothing compared to DVD animated Studio Cons. There are two big infamous one: Video Brinquedo (from Brazil) and Dingo Video (from Germany), Video Brinquedo makes such ripoff as Ratatoing, The Little Cars, The Little Bee, The Wrestling Panda and many more.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/f/f8/Littlecars-dvd.jpg

Here's Ratatoing, believe me, you will die before this piece of crap ends:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjFvYKTYtW8


But Video Brinquedo it's from the third world, right? And their website seems they aren't so bad, making toys and whatnot, now let me show you cartoon shit. Pure unadultered shit...

Introducing Dingo Pictures, hailing from Germany, they seem to be dedicated to make cheap knock-offs from famous cartoons making such jewels like Atlantis, Aladin (sic), Prince for Egypt, Little Dalmatians (Seems that they caught advice from their Brazilian colleagues...), King of the Animals, The Mousepolice and many, many others... you may think it can be that bad... well, just check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMr6A_Kpajo

That's Anastasia and is considered the BEST picture made by Dingo Pictures... think about that for a second...

[maxmordon]

At least you only paid a dollar?

I have a friend who used to like finding the worst possible movies, convincing his wife to watch them him, then swearing her to secrecy and bringing them over for movie night for everybody to watch, claiming they were "really good".

Damn, now you're putting ideas inside my head... And you know how's my B-movie Fu, KP. Do not tempt me...

[Kitty Pryde]

I am currently "enjoying" I Am Omega. Although most of it seems to be filmed in some guy's house and backyard, and the directing is very reminiscent of Evil Dead 2, and there's no plot to speak of, and instead of a herd of zombies, they've just got one zombie who gets killed over and over, it's very nearly entertaining. The main redeeming feature is Mark Dacascos, my favorite action hero of all time. This movie needs more jump spinning hook kicks and backflips and then it would be perfect.

[Cranky]

I am currently "enjoying" I Am Omega. Although most of it seems to be filmed in some guy's house and backyard, and the directing is very reminiscent of Evil Dead 2, and there's no plot to speak of, and instead of a herd of zombies, they've just got one zombie who gets killed over and over, it's very nearly entertaining. The main redeeming feature is Mark Dacascos, my favorite action hero of all time. This movie needs more jump spinning hook kicks and backflips and then it would be perfect.

That sounds so awful I may have to track it down. Hubby is a terrible horror movie fan -- he'd probably laugh himself silly. :D

[robeiae]

I liked Galaxy of Terror. Where else can you find a giant space worm, more interested in stripping a female astronaut naked than in eating her?

And Caroline Munro was in The Golden Voyage of Sinbad--which was awesome--and in The Spy Who Loved Me.

[Noah Body]

I liked Galaxy of Terror. Where else can you find a giant space worm, more interested in stripping a female astronaut naked than in eating her?

And Caroline Munro was in The Golden Voyage of Sinbad--which was awesome--and in The Spy Who Loved Me.

Why yes, yes she was.

And Corman's movies from the early 1980s had a lot of stuff like that, with strange creatures wanting to get their love on with women.

[Fran]

My best friend, who moved to Canada and took his DVD collection with him (apologies to Vancouver) used to show up at my flat with the most Godawful horror schlock and proceed to make me watch it. I escaped The Rats, where apparently they put plastic rat ears on dachshunds, but two words:

Troll 2.

*shudders and throws up*

In his defence, though, he hated Jason X.