About a sentence

[commasplicer]

This post has been moved...to where it belongs.

[shadowwalker]

This is how I would do it

About the doe... One thing troubles me as I return to my truck—not that I had to put it down, or its blood, or its cries — but her eyelashes. Her long black eyelashes. For a moment, as I stood over her, she looked directly at my eyes.

The first bit is trailing off, then it starts a new thought (One thing...). There is a fragment, but I think this is a case where it's workable. Also, remember that "it's" is the contraction for "it is"; the possessive is "its". I'd also either go with "its" or "her" but not both.

[Bufty]

This belongs in the Grammar and Syntax Forum, Comma.

The whole thing reads odd out of any context.

I can't suggest how to improve it other than that you consider perhaps rewording it for whatever clarity you are seeking - and watch the pronoun referals.

[Natalie_M_Fischer]

Hi, all. I'm looking for some feedback on a crucial sentence in my novel. A little background: the MC is struggling with his faith after losing his wife and the pronoun switch in this sentence is crucial in a number of ways. That being said, I am looking for feedback on how it reads and if it is grammatically sound. Any suggestions would be a help to me. Thanks.

About the doe, one thing troubles me as I return to my truck—not that I had to put it down, or it's blood, or it's cries, but her eyelashes, her long black eyelashes. For a moment as I stood over her, she looked directly at my eyes.

If it's already in context, you may not need the "about the doe," which would make it read much smoother. Watch your pronouns, too:

"One thing troubles me about the doe as I return to my truck. Not that I had to put her down, or her blood, or even her cries. It was her eyelashes, her long, black eyelashes. For a moment as I stood over her, she looked directly into my eyes"...(and as a side note, to fill in the missing bridge I'm assuming), "and it was too real. Too human."

Hope this helps!

[Maryn]

I agree about where this should be posted.

I also think I see why it's so ungainly.

You've got a doe--a deer, a female deer ("Ray, a drop of golden suuuuun!"). You use the neutral pronouns it and its*, then switch to the female she and her when referring to the same creature.

Maryn, who's given herself the Do-Re-Mi song for the rest of the afternoon, damn it

* It's with the apostrophe is always and only a contraction for it is or it has. If you can't replace it with one or the other, then you mean its.

[commasplicer]

Thanks all. I will post this where it belongs.

[dgiharris]

commasplicer,

I'm noticing a pattern of you taking down your posts.

Please stop doing that. AW is a public forum. What do I mean?

Well, these posts aren't just for the poster. They are for everyone. You are denying others the opportunity to learn when you post then recieve feedback and then take down your posts.

Now, if you are posting in SYW and you are going to send a piece out for publication, that is a different matter. But in general, you should just keep your posts up so everyone can benefit.

The only way I know what your sentence was is that it was quoted by other members. Had they not have done it, i'd have no idea what your issue was or how I could have helped.

Mel...

[commasplicer]

Maryn,

The pronoun switch as I noted in my post, as grammatically incorrect as it is, is for a specific purpose.

Thank you.

Shadow Walker--great help, thanks.

Bufty,

Please don't take this the wrong way...why respond if you have no feedback? I am new here and, when I made the original post, I felt that an intentional pronoun switch would fall under writing questions. Please don't take offense, but you strike me as a bit abrasive, and I hope that's not the case.

Once again, thanks.

[commasplicer]

dgiharris,

I apologize. My frustration with one of the responses prompted the delete. Sometimes I think it is better just not to respond than to say nothing.

[Silver King]

I'm noticing a pattern of you taking down your posts.

Please stop doing that...
In most cases it's really not cool, or polite, to delete the start of a thread once others have joined the discussion.

For future reference, instead of deleting the original post and starting the same thread elsewhere, it's best to ask the mod of that room or a Super to move the entire discussion, intact, to a different forum.

[EFCollins]

I have nothing to add except that I suddenly and inexplicably want to sing Nirvana's "About A Girl..."

Comma... you'll get used to the way this place works. It takes time, but the folks here are pretty great once you get to know them. But no one will come out to play with you on the playground if you sulk. It's not cool, as SK said, Commaman.

And now I want to sing some Culture Club....:Shrug: (It might help if you all knew that as a child, I thought the song Karma Chameleon said, "Comma, comma, comma...")