New host coming!

[Unique]

Uh-huh. Next you'll wanna drive.

Uh-uh. I've seen that vehicle. Her name is Christine.

[awatkins]

Oh, great. I can't find the perch scraper and the parrot has made such a mess. Somebody moved the chocolate covered chocolate granola. Dawno is almost out of journal paper (well, I had to line the parrot carrier with something!) And where in the world is my pillow? Uh, is Mac driving?

[Sven_the_Viking]

What is this 'tap dance' your strong and beautiful Valkyrie leader wishes me to undertake? Will this ritual bring us closer to the goal of our quest? Does anyone have some herring?

[JennaGlatzer]

I was so waiting for someone to do that.

Dance, Sven, dance! Just smile and start tapping!

[Sven_the_Viking]

I was so waiting for someone to do that.

Dance, Sven, dance! Just smile and start tapping!


Oh glorious Valkyrie leader, I have done what you asked but why are your warrior women so angry? I did not mean to cause harm to your metal chariots by tapping on them with my battle axe, is that not what you desired?

Oh, and will someone please ask the warrior woman who cares for your battle birds to get them off my helm while their perches are being cleaned? They are soiling the cloak of many bears and wolverines I slayed with my bare hands to prove my bravery.

Is there a mead hall nearby? I need to refill my horn.

[Dawno]

Just think of my posts as cannon fodder, Dawno.



I have no idea what that means.

I don't mind you using me in your story at all. Do I get the girl at the end? Or am I gonna be the seemingly macho boyfriend who squeals like a pig and wets himself when the viking shows up?


Now that the viking has shown up, how dry are you? Remember, this could become a bestseller, so paint yourself in a good light :)

[ChunkyC]

Is there a mead hall nearby? I need to refill my horn.
http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/EmoteROFL.gif oh gawd, cain't breathe....

[robeiae]

:popcorn:
(I wonder if ChunkyC realixes he can't breathe because he's wearing that chainmail corset? I can't believe he actually joined the chicks in dressing up like a Valkyrie...)

Rob :)

[The Black Knight]

Has anyone seen a tall man-girl with horns? I seek him so that I can end his sorrowful life.

The Black Knight

[Dawno]

Nothing says "successful Valkyrie" like gleaming horns and burnished hubcaps....

Ho JO To HO!

[awatkins]

Battle birds! Oooh, I LIKE that!

Oh, and, uh, I'll get right on that clean-up, Sven. Vinegar and water will spiff up those furs real nice. Might smell a bit for awhile, but hey, you're a Viking! You can handle it.

I'm still hearing that weird voice....

[Dawno]

:: off in a secluded spot Dawno sits with one of Anne's parrots and reads to him. "...and the girls kept walking through the woods looking for sacks of squash not imagining what was lurking in the darkness" over and over. The parrot tilts his head as if thinking and says "girls woods squash" Dawno gives him a cracker and smiles. "Good birdie, now listen up" and she starts over again::

[Sven_the_Viking]

Where is my Celtic companion? I need her to hold a torch for a little healing ceremony. Bring your battle birds Lady Anne, their cries will call upon the gods for their mercies!

[The Black Knight]

Verily...that loony horned peasant said to bring the jester's parts to these enchanted woods. Where hast he gone? And why are drinking tankards scattered about, all belonging to some Lord named "Sir Pee"? And why is yon maiden lying naked with animal parts strewn about her? Me thinks some sort of wolf must have been there. 'Tis a strange place, this "Yellowstone."

The Black Knight

[awatkins]

(Yellowstone is in Minnesota?? Heeee)

[awatkins]

Never fear, Sven, the battle birds are happy to be of assistance! And they will let us know if danger approaches. Their alarm screams will surely blast the leaves from the trees!

And if that giant squash shows up, they'll attack it so fast your head will spin. They love squash! Especially if you dip it in a little Ranch dressing. Mmmmm. :D

[The Black Knight]

(Yellowstone is in Minnesota?? Heeee)
Mock me not, feathery one...

The Black Knight

[Sven_the_Viking]

Verily...that loony horned peasant said to bring the jester's parts to these enchanted woods. Where hast he gone? And why are drinking tankards scattered about, all belonging to some Lord named "Sir Pee"? And why is yon maiden lying naked with animal parts strewn about her? Me thinks some sort of wolf must have been there. 'Tis a strange place, this "Yellowstone."

The Black Knight

You call me loony? I followed you hither and yon - your stargazing and confused babble about condiments...I finally had to stop for refreshement. Thank the gods the gracious Lady Vanessa's establishment was open and had mead and herrings!

Enough, let us get this poor jester re-assembled! There's a clean spot under a tree over there.

[The Black Knight]

Hmmm...He is whole again. But what of these parts we did not use. Think you he will miss them? No matter; let us see the power of your gods bring his spirit back...or are you but a braggart?

The Black Knight

[robeiae]

The Mighty Sven (with apologies to Bob Dylan)

Everybody's making prose and posts
Some are looking for new hosts
And some are jotting down notes
Everybody's in the woods
Every girl and boy
But when Sven the Viking gets here
Everybody's gonna jump for joy

Chorus
Ride along without, ride along within
You'll not see nothing like the mighty Sven
Ride along without, ride along within
You'll not see nothing like the mighty Sven

I like to do just like the rest, I like my slurpee sweet
But jumping wolfs and making haste
Just ain't my cup of mead
Everybody's 'neath the trees
Feeding parrots on a limb
But when Sven the Viking gets here
All the parrots gonna run to him

[chorus]

If you do what Jenna says to do, If you wait for the new host
Forget the search for bigfoot, I'll tell you who to call
No one can get no sleep, with someone on everyone's toes
But when Sven the Viking gets here
Everybody's gonna want a dose

[chorus]

Rob :)

[Sven_the_Viking]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v304/Ebil_Librarian/VikingSmile.gif

[Birol]

Oh, how cute. Those cute kittens (http://www.dennyweb.com/viking_kittens.htm) are imitating Sven.

[Unique]

Oh, how cute. Those cute kittens (http://www.dennyweb.com/viking_kittens.htm) are imitating Sven.

I Love Those!

[robeiae]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v304/Ebil_Librarian/VikingSmile.gif
Why, the unmitgated gaul!!

Rob :)

[Sven_the_Viking]

Conquering the Gauls was unmitigated fun. When we grind the dust of your Wyoming under our boots you shall share their appreciation of our sense of humor.

[Dawno]

Dawno's Travel Journal - Sven says it's "Sunnudagr" near the end of the misseri Sumar. He doesn't quite get the idea of 'months' It has been an interesting weekend. First Sven left huge gouges in the SUV with his battle axe. The weirdest part was him muttering about how Val Kilmer had laid some geese on him before he started whaling away. And although I like Val Kilmer just fine Sven seems to have a real hang up on him, I hear him muttering his name all the time. I wonder when Vikings have the time to watch movies with all the quaffing and pillaging they say they do. It would be really cool if he has a flying horse and a big hallway at his place, but I'm not so sure why Sven thinks Val will let him come live there. I bet if the parrots - oh, excuse me, Battle Birds - knew about the geese they'd be worried about losing their nice new perch on Sven's helmet.

Later on Sven started going all Rennaisance Faire off in the woods with some guy in black. Both of them should really go back to the nice facilities they've escaped from and get back on their medicine. All the taunting going on reminds me of dodgeball day on the playground.

The good news is that I think I overheard Lori say the engine was fine, so nevermind about the holes in the roof. We haven't seen any squash around here at all so I've been filling my sack with whatever green things Mac points out that she says will make a nice healthy dinner. She sure likes all this nature stuff. I'm pretty much ready for a quarter pounder with cheese and super-size the fries.

[awatkins]

Sven, do you know any of those Vikings in the Capital One commercials?

Where's Joanne? And Lori and Mac and Sara and Chunky and everybody? I haven't seen them in days! Are they lost in the woods??

[ChunkyC]

:popcorn:
(I wonder if ChunkyC realixes he can't breathe because he's wearing that chainmail corset? I can't believe he actually joined the chicks in dressing up like a Valkyrie...)

Rob :)
Who says I joined them?

*ooh, nice helms in this month's Valhalla's Secret catalog....*

[Yeshanu]

(*psst* Anne, over here! You do know there's a couple of nutbars running loose in the forest with axes and swords, don't you? We're all in hiding...)

[jdkiggins]

Joanne steps into the clearing, clothes dripping, hiking boots squishing, jeans caked in mud, face smudged, fingernails broken, and hair in knots.

Psst, Anne. I’m over here. I was digging roots and gathering rose-hips by order of Mac and the next thing I knew, there was this really, really huge hairy thing behind me. I stepped back slowly, lost my footing and rolled over a muddy embankment. Then I heard Jenna say this trip may take a lot longer than she thought, so I took my good old time climbing back up that darn hill. Must have climbed on an angle because instead of getting back to the top of the hill I ended up at the entrance of a cave. Thought I’d explore a bit and after a few steps I tumbled down a long narrow dark opening and landed in a pool of water. If it weren’t for the smell of pizza, I may never have found my way back. But guys, you should see the beautiful waterfall I found. Couldn’t resist taking a photo.

http://home.comcast.net/~joannedkiggins/images/mingofalls.jpg

Oh yeah, after climbing up the side of what seemed like a never-ending mountain beside those falls, I did manage to find the spot where I fell the first time.

Mac, here’s your roots and rose-hips.

I’m hungry. Who’s making dinner? And who’s this Sven guy? Why do I always miss all the fun?

[Sarita]

Oh man! There you are! Jeez you guys.... I go off to go to the bathroom, end up getting slung over the shoulder of some yetti. I've been holed up in a cave for the last week and the only one who noticed I was missing was the bird lady (love ya, Anne:)) Anyway, I just found you to give you the news:

I killed the Yetti. He got fresh.

[awatkins]

Whew! I thought I'd been abandoned! Thank goodness Ruth got my attention. I managed to dive behind this big old rock before anything got me. Joanne, that is a lovely photo. Good thing you had your trusty digital camera with you! Did you get a shot of that crazy Viking???

Heyyyy......Sara, that tote bag you made from the Yetti hide is too kewl. But what'd you use for thread?

Um, anybody seen Dawno? I think that Black Knight guy and Sven the Viking were getting a leetle too friendly with her.

[jdkiggins]

Sara, were we in the same cave? I didn't see you. Did you see the waterfall?

Oh Anne, I never go anywhere without my camera, digital and 35mm. :D
Didn't get the Viking. I'm still wondering where he went and what he looks like. LOL

[Sarita]

Sara, that tote bag you made from the Yetti hide is too kewl. But what'd you use for thread? Oh that was easy. The ligaments from his legs made great thread. I'm so glad I paid attention in Prehistoric Civilizations. :)

[awatkins]

Cool, Sara. Do you have enough leftover leg ligaments and Yetti hide to patch Joanne's tent? The Viking ripped a hole in it when he got his horn caught in the fabric while searching for mead. He said a bad word, too. :eek:

[Sarita]

Sure. I've got plenty. That guy was sinewy!

[awatkins]

Sinewy? Oh, no, you don't mean Louie Sinewy, do you?? He's not a real Yetti! He just plays one on tv!

[awatkins]

Whew! Okay.

Boy, everybody else sure is quiet. Too quiet.....

[Yeshanu]

I killed the Yetti. He got fresh.


Didn't somebody ask what's for supper? Fresh yetti... :tongue

[batyler65]

Whew! Okay.

Boy, everybody else sure is quiet. Too quiet.....

"And did you notice it got dark, too?" said a disembodied voice from the treetops.

[robeiae]

:popcorn:

(I love these kinds of plot twists...one of the group takes out the monster, apparently...meaning she could be the real killer, she could be playing a joke that will go horribly wrong, or she didn't take out the real monster...)

Rob :)

[MacAllister]

Uh-ohhhhhh. Sara, yetis are a protected species (http://www.inthegorge.com/bigfoot_ordinance.htm) in Skamania county...The county ordinance says you can get fined $10,000 and/or do five years in jail...

I think I'd tell people that bag is made of, I dunno, sheepskin, or something!

Now. Did everyone else hear that disembodied voice from overhead, in the dark?

[jdkiggins]

:Jump: :Jump: :Jump: Did I hear murder and horror in the same sentence?

Hehe. Just so happens I wrote 17 pages the past few days with just that type of plot. Awh, but there is also a bit of romance thrown in for good measure. :D

I need to ask, who the heck let that big galoot in my darn tent!? :mad:

[batyler65]

:disembodied hypnotic voice...:

S'mores... you should make S'mores...

[awatkins]

I have the sudden urge to scout for chocolate bars, marshmallows and graham crackers. Weird.

[batyler65]

:disembodied laughter:

Soon, my little sticky marshmallow friends, soon, you will all be mine... bwaahahahahaaaaa.

[awatkins]

::pilfers through Joanne's backpacks::

I bet Jo has S'more making supplies! Hmmm...let's see....Camping Today magazine, aluminum coffee pot, waterproof matches, The New Yeti Cookbook, pinking shears (what the heck??), chocolate bar WRAPPERS!!! Joanne!!

[robeiae]

Flirtin' With Disaster (with apologies to Molly Hatchett)

We're travelin’ down the road,
We're flirtin’ with disaster.
We're waitin for the host,
Our screens are loadin' slower.
We're in the woods, we're low on Scope,
It looks like self destruction.
Well how much more can we take,
With no more interuption.

Been flirtin’ with disaster,
Y’all know what we mean.
And the way we run our lives,
It makes no sense to me.
I don’t know about yourself or,
What you want to be - yeah.
When we gamble with our host,
We choose our destiny.

Chorus:
We're waitin' for that brand new host.
Feel like we've been from coast to coast.
Yeah! Some tried to turn our heads away,
By takin' us to the woods to play.
Speeding down the fast lane,
Searchin' from town to town.
The Valkyries have been burnin’ it up,
Can’t seem to slow it down.
We don't know what's in store,
Our lives are runnin’ faster,
Got our sights set straight ahead,
But ain’t sure what we’re after.

Flirtin’ with disaster,
Do you hear somebody scream?
You know the way we waste our time,
It makes no sense to flee.
We can’t find no Yetis or,
Set those parrots free- yea!!
When we gamble with our host,
We choose our destiny.

Chorus:
Yeah!! we’re travelin’ down that lonesome road.
Feel like we'll never find that host.
But don’t try to turn us away,
We're flirtin’ with disaster every day.
Flirtin’ with disaster, baby,
Do you hear somebody scream?
You know the way we waste our time,
It makes no sense to flee.
We can’t find no Yetis or,
Set those parrots free- yea!!
When we gamble with our host,
We choose our destiny.

Chorus:
Yeah!! we’re travelin’ down that lonesome road.
Feel like we'll never find that host.
But don’t try to turn us away,
We're flirtin’ with disaster every day.

Rob :)

[awatkins]

I keep hearing disembodied voices. And music. Why do I suddenly want to set my parrots free? Hey, where did everybody go??

Must. Make. S'mores.

[Yeshanu]

Mmmm... S'mores...

[batyler65]

:disembodied voice:

My nefarious plot is working...

A rustling is heard among the treetops.

[ChunkyC]

The gang casts their eyes skyward and what do they see rustling among the treetops but....

http://www.jackalopejunction.com/Fur_Bearing_Tr/IMAG0001.JPG

... to which CC responds by saying quite naturally, "How did we end up in Wyoming?"

[Dawno]

But is it The World's Largest??

[batyler65]

While everyone is distracted with picking fur from the hairy fish off of their marshmallow sticky hands, Barb stows away inside the SUV.

[robeiae]

:popcorn:

(Hmmm...I hope she didn't sit in that Krazy Glue...)

Rob :)

[awatkins]

Fur? Hairy fish? Whut tha hay?? Wyoming sure has some weird wild life.

*yawn* I'm gonna go take a nap in the car.

[awatkins]

we've been abandoned.

[Birol]

Nope, I've just been following the moon through Salome and The Master and Margarita. Here's the car keys. Who's missing? Anne, stop trying to use your marshmallow-covered hands to seal Barb under that blanket in the back. Just because she doesn't want to be found is no reason to try to turn her into a mummy.

Is everyone accounted for? It's my turn to drive.

Dawno, do not try not tell me that everyone is here. I can actually see through the back window, that means there's way too few heads. And even if that weren't the case, there's not enough squabbling going on. How gullible do you really think I am? (Don't answer that.)

[Dawno]

Just because I counteded things wrong doesn't mean I was trying to fib you Auntie Lori. Honest.

::and just when I thought there'd be more sammiches for me::

Sven was out of mead and herrings again and went off to look for more. I tol' everyone they should stay close but someone said "lets find the worlds biggest herring" and Unca CC got really excited and ran off after Sven and you know how people just follow him around.

::I knew that book on ventriloquism would come in handy some day::

[awatkins]

Lori, I'm not trying to seal Barb under the blanket! (stop wiggling, barb!) She said she was cold. (quit it!) I'm just trying to make her more comfortable. (ouch, quit pinching me!) Try to do something nice for somebody and it just gets you in trouble. :(

[jdkiggins]

Lori, HELP! I’m short but that’s no excuse for missing me in the head count. It’s not your fault, really. I reached under the seat for the powdered donuts I’d stashed and next thing I knew Barb fell on top of me and I was all sticky and a blanket was nearly smothering me. Now I know that my pal, Anne, wouldn’t purposely pin me under all this mess. We share brain cells and hers are the nicer of the two we share. Er…do we share only one, Anne?

Anyway, if someone can get a pot of warm water around here, I’d like to get this white sticky mess off of me. I’ll share my donuts.

[robeiae]

:popcorn:

(If they're gonna leave CC stranded in the woods, they should at least leave him a handful of those chocolate chip granola bars...and maybe a bag to catch snarks with)

Rob :)

[awatkins]

Uh oh, sorry, Jo didn't mean to cover you up, too. All snuggly and warm now, Barb? oooo, barb i don't think we're supposed to say that... Are you talking about our super-dooper-extra-strength brain cell, Joanne? Yup, we still seem to be sharing it. :D

Pass the donuts, please.

[jdkiggins]

Yep! That’s the one. The one that forces us to show up in the same threads and repeats itself using both our mouths and gets us both in trouble.

Forget the hot water for cleaning up this mess. I think most of it’s stuck to the blanket. Anyone have coffee? It goes great with donuts. Maybe if we stuff our mouths with donuts and coffee it will give the others a chance to cause a raucous. :D

Now, where is everyone?

[Birol]

Looks like we got me, Dawno, Anne, Joanne, Barb, and the disembodied voice as well as the parrots and cats in this van. I left the keys to the other van and the blue cow moose for whoever's missing. Someone flip a coin. Let's pick a direction and get going.

WooHOO!!!

[batyler65]

Oooh, I want to navigate! C'n I pleeeeeeeeeeeeze? Huh? Huh? Huh? I think we should go thataways. *waves sticky, blanket-covered arm toward the passenger side of the vehicle*

Oops! Sorry about your nose Anne.

Or, maybe we could go thataways? *Gestures with sticky, blanket-covered arm toward the rear of the vehicle*

Oops! Did I poke you Jo?

[awatkins]

Ow! Bob bwoke by dose! ::translation: Barb broke my nose. ::

That way! That way! Go that way, Lori! http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/alles_moegliche/mixed-smiley-003.gif

[Birol]

Gotcha, so we're heading east, which by our last known coordinates, means we're heading toward either South Dakota or Nebraska. 'course we could be in Mozambique for all I know at this point.

Oh, South Dakota. We can swing through the Black Hills and the Badlands (http://www.fs.fed.us/r2/blackhills/) -- a fitting place to take this group -- and then continue on I-90 to the Corn Palace (http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/SDMITcorn.html) in Mitchell. Sorry, Dawno, the Corn Palace is also known as the world's largest bird feeder.

Jo, dig some ice out of the cooler and wrap in a towel for Anne to hold against her nose. I don't think it is really broken, Anne. She didn't hit you that hard.
No, Dawno, we're not going to take her to the emergency room just so you can tour the morgue.

[awatkins]

It's okay--I don't need the ice. I feel better already! Just don't open the cooler. Really. I'm fine. :D :D

The disembodied voice is in the cooler. I used a fresh box of popcorn as bait. heh heh heh

[Birol]

Local park rangers have discovered the butchered remains of a Yeti. While searching for the culprits, they discovered Charlie running through the forest in a chainmail corset in pursuit of a tall man dressed as a Viking warrior. Further searching, located Macallister trying to coax a blue cow moose, a heretofore unknown species, onto a horse trailer with handfuls of grass-covered marshmallows and chocolate. Upon questioning, she explained to the nice officers that chocolate makes the milk creamier. They were distracted from her scientific explanations when a second team of searchers reported a woman fishing near a chaotic campsite for a fur-bearing trout. Evidence indicates others are still loose in the forest. Those in custody made reference to a 'Unique Black Knight called Sara'. Rangers were preparing to broaden their search patterns when their superiors called them back to base camp for a medical evaluation.

[robeiae]

:popcorn:

(I wonder what happened to all those darn parrots?...and don't forget about the corpse of a man (Roger) apparently split in two lengthwise, then bound back together, somewhat sloppily)

Rob :)

[awatkins]

Wow, setting the parrot carrier on top of the cooler really made them happy! Now they can see out the windows just fine. But they keep complaining about strange noises coming from inside the cooler....

heh heh heh

[The Black Knight]

Odds Bodkins...now where hast that silly horned warrior gone? And what means this sign "camping: facilities available"? No matter. I shall make haste to yon camp. No doubt whatsoever prince is there wilt honour me. Perhaps there is a tournament...

The Black Knight

[Sarita]

Local park rangers have discovered the butchered remains of a Yeti. Don't rat me out, people! Don't rat me out! I'll be in hiding for a while. See you soon.

[robeiae]

:popcorn:

(I don't think Sara should be hiding in those bushes...that's poison sumac...)

Rob :)

[jdkiggins]

Ouch! That's worse than poison oak! I won't rat on you Sara. Your secret is safe with me. (Let's hope no one heard you.) Now let's get that rash taken care of. I have calamine lotion in my first aid kit.

I’m hungry again. Where are the donuts?

[Birol]

As the van leaves I-90 and starts down US-385 toward US-16, Lori contemplates the wisdom of turning around and stirring up the inhabitants of the backseat. It has been silent back there for hours as the little hea... er, urchins have either fallen asleep or begun to quietly scheme against her. Even the sound of teeth chattering emerging so eeriely from the cooler has calmed down.

She sighs and calls the backseat denizens back to life.

"It's late. And I know you're tired. Tomorrow we're going to see the Crazy Horse Monument (http://www.crazyhorse.org/news/spring2004/index.shtml). Yes, yes, Dawno, it is the World's Largest Something. The World's Largest Sculpture I believe. I don't know where you've gotten this fascination with seeing the world's largest stuff. Tonight, though, I thought after camping, we could stay somewhere a little nicer and have some privacy, so I've called ahead and booked us a nearby B&B (http://www.struttoninn.com/) for the next couple of nights. Just remember, this isn't the woods and I expect everyone to be on their best behavior. If we get kicked out in the middle of the night, it will be tent camping the rest of the trip. Does everyone understand me?"

[awatkins]

:hooray: :Jump:

They have Jacuzzis and everything! How cool is that?? Can I stay in the Morning Glory room? Pleeezzze???

This is gonna be great. I bet they like parrots there, too.

Joanne, the donuts are not in the cooler. Trust me. :D

[Birol]

I don't really care who is in which room, but if there's any squabbling over who gets what room, I'll draw names out of a hat, okay?

I'd like the Emerald Room.

[awatkins]

Yes, ma'am.

::hides Lori's hat::

[jdkiggins]

Joanne nods off whispering, “I can’t wait until this trip is over. Thanks everybody for letting me tag along. You’re all such great friends.”

Lori, Anne, Barb and Dawno look at her and wonder what’s wrong.

A tear runs down Joanne’s cheek. She mumbles, “I thought Sara was hiding in the back seat, but it’s the cooler and birdcages. Poor CC. It’s his birthday. Oh goodness, will they be okay? No wonder Lori decided to take me along. She knew I’d get lost if left behind.”

Lori pats Joanne on the shoulder. “Wake up, Jo! It’s all right. Everything will be fine. Look where I’m taking us! You’ll love it!

“What? What happened? I need to pay more attention or stay out from under blankets. Must have lost my head. What day is this? Where are we going? Crazy Horse monument. Woo Hoo! Now you’re talking. A bed and breakfast, too! Jacuzzis and a fireplace right in the room and King beds and…and…you mean I don’t have to cook. Double WOO HOO!!! Oh forget the donuts, Anne. Did you see that place? Bet they have much better food than donuts. I'll be good, Lori. Honest. I like tents, but man oh man this place looks relaxing and fun. Are we there yet?” :Jump: :hooray:

[Dawno]

Dawno's travel journal and don't ask me what day I just can't cope

After all the subtle hints I've left about how I feel about the world's largest anything (well I could go for the world's largest pizza about now) you'd think people would get it. Horses scare me and now I'm going to have to go see the worlds biggest one and it's crazy, too. If Mac were here she'd take care of the big crazy horse and it would be sane again because she's the worlds bestest horse trainer and maybe I wouldn't be afraid to see it after she'd sighcollege-ogized it.

Maybe the nice people who live here want to adopt an adorable girl like me. I'm going to have to put on my best clothes and brush my hair and steal a ribbon from somewhere for the pigtails. Yeah, pigtails work everytime.

[batyler65]

As the sun sets, the back seat of the SUV becomes intolerably quiet as members begin to drift off to sleep.

Barb looks around for trouble to stir.

*whispering*
Pssst! Hey, disembodied voice, got a marker?

Like one of them laundry ones that Lori used mark all our clothes?

Uh-huh... Wait. Disembodied voices have clothes?

We might.

Never mind. That marker'd work. Pass it over. Hurry up before Dawno wakes up. *snicker*

[maestrowork]

so, this is where all the nuts hang out...

I am home...

[robeiae]

:popcorn:

(Who is that guy, how did he get on the hood, and why is he wearing nothing but that banana hammock? *que porn music*)

Rob :)

[batyler65]

Okay, I've put a mustache on Dawno. It goes good with those pigtails, don't ya think?

I guess that parrot tattoo I drew on Anne's forehead would've been better if I coulda got the beak right. Maybe... *scribbles*
No. Shoulda left well enough alone. Oh well. Maybe nobody will notice the parrot has a black hole for a head.

Now, who else can I tattoo?

Ooh, the new guy.

I dunno. That banana in the hammock thing has me worried.

Yeah. I'm glad he's sitting on Jo's lap and not mine.

[awatkins]

::yawn, stretch::

Eww, there's something itchy on my forehead.

::swipes it with a hand, finds a gob of black stuff::

What tha...quick, Dawno, wake up! I need to borrow your mirror!

::spies Dawno's mustache::

Ooooo....Uh, Dawno, take a peek in that mirror before you pass it over. Somebody's in trouble!! And just when Lori said not to squabble, too.

Psst, Joanne, if I tie Barb's ponytail to the antenna, would that be squabbling??

[ChunkyC]

They pull up to the B&B and CC gets out and his pants fall down -- again -- only this time it's because he was dumb enough to listen to that guy from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and had been using a tie for a belt, which Dawno thought was a nice ribbon she could use for her hair, seeing as it was pink with blue gerbils.

He doesn't seem to notice, whips out a hair brush and starts grooming the trout, which begins to purr.

Nobody wants to ask CC why he has, or had, a pink tie, never mind one with blue gerbils, though everyone notices it matches his boxers. Next to that, a purring fish from Wyoming seems quite normal.

[batyler65]

:disembodied voice::
Quick! Look innocent.


*looks innocent*

[Yeshanu]

Ruth pulls up behind the SUV in the brown minivan. The minivan is full of something white and fluffy, which looks a little like packing peanuts. Could it be????

Hey, you guys? You know that corn palace we visited a while back? Somebody set it on fire! Can you say popcorn? Anyone got any salt, butter or cheese flavouring?

[awatkins]

::Keeping her eyes averted from CC's vivid, frightening tie/matching boxers, Anne skillfully fashions a pair of suspenders from duct tape and drapes them over his shoulders as she climbs out of the SUV::

Ruth! Did you say that popcorn place caught fire? I wonder who could have done that?

::Anne cuts her eyes toward the cooler, where the disembodied voice is now strangely silent::

[ChunkyC]

CC tears off the duct-tape suspenders and screams to wake the dead. He forgot he was hirsute as a hyena and now has two bare stripes of skin running down his torso, making him look like a furry 1968 Camaro SS. The suspenders for their part look like a three foot long silver millipede, what with all the hairs sticking out. CC flings it away and the ends manage to entwine themselves around the front and rear bumpers of the SUV and minivan, essentially converting the minivan into a trailer.

No one has noticed, except the disembodied voice who snickers to itself when Mac calls out that it's time to hit the road again....

[Yeshanu]

:ROFL: :roll: *gasp* *wheeze* Don't leave me *gasp* :roll: behind *wheeze* :ROFL: again guys. :roll:

[jdkiggins]

We're staying at the B&B for a few days, right? I love this place.:partyguy:

Somebody tie a rope to me so I don't slither down the drain of the Jacuzzi.

:roll: Did you see CC's boxers? :roll:

[jdkiggins]

Psst, Joanne, if I tie Barb's ponytail to the antenna, would that be squabbling??

Nah, Anne. As long as Barb's hair is still attached to her head, shouldn't be a problem.
:ROFL:

[batyler65]

The dead, newly awakened by CC's hair-rendous scream, begin erupting from the ground.

After a few moments, they begin moaning and groaning and lurching toward CC. Apparently, the dead are not morning people.

Among them stands what looks like the mangled remains of a Yeti...

[batyler65]

*frantically tugging at the knots holding her super short samurai-style ponytail to the antenna*

Man, oh man! Why did I ever think stowing away with these people was a good idea?

*More frantic tugging*

[awatkins]

::sees the walking dead, has second thoughts about leaving Barb tied to the antenna, and snips off the ponytail. Barb looks spiffy with her new crew cut::

CC, I'm so sorry! I thought that was your shirt--you know, the one Sara made you from that Yeti skin. Here, rub some of this aloe vera on the bleedy spots.

Who knew duct tape would remove hair and skin and everything??

[ChunkyC]

Everyone stops and watches in fascination as a large-breasted blonde girl in a cheerleader's outfit runs past the open door and escape, and instead bolts up the stairs with the walking dead hot on her trail. Interestingly, although she's sprinting like Carl Lewis and the disemvoiced bodies keep having to pause to pick up limbs that are continually falling off, they are closing the distance.

Meanwhile, CC can't take his eyes off the cheerleader's lovely heinie as she flounces up the stairs, and is extremely happy he's not wearing a duct-tape jockstrap.

[robeiae]

:popcorn:

(I wonder if we'll find out whether or not she's a real blonde...)

Rob :)

[awatkins]

Man, them disemvoiced bodies can move!

[Birol]

Lori watches as all of the guys, including the disembodied voice, and Macallister cluster around to appreciate the blonde cheerleader's physique and overall cuteness. She grabs a ziplock bag, scoops a few handfuls of popcorn from the back of the brown minivan, gets a Diet Coke out of the cooler, and makes herself comfortable on the tailgate.

:popcorn: :Cheers:

Let me know when you guys are ready to get underway again.

[awatkins]

Oh, great. Lori let The Voice out of the cooler. Now where's he gonna ride when we finally get on the road for that bed and breakfast?

[batyler65]

::disembodied voice::
How about on your lap?

Wait! Don't sic the birds on me. Oh. What am I afraid of? No body. Guess I can't waggle my eyebrows at you either. Darn.

*long pause*

Did I mention, I see dead people? Oooh, and cheerleaders. Do they come in redhead?

[robeiae]

:popcorn:

(Whupps...oop, it's a dye job; nice caboose, though)

rob :)

[Dawno]

I think I'm too young to be reading these posts Auntie Lori. Tell the naughty men to stop talking nasty.

[batyler65]

*Barb sees everyone endangered by the sleepless dead and mesmerizing cheerleader. Instantly she formulates a plan.*

Don't worry, I'll save you! Quick, over here!

*dashes to clearing while waving the laundry marker*

I saw this in a cartoon once. I'll just make a hole right here...

*draws a large black circle in the dirt, which miraculously turns into a giant hole.*

::disembodied voice::
What the--? How did you do that?

It helps not to have one's feet too firmly rooted in reality, I'm told. Follow me, everyone!

[Dawno]

Dawno's Travel Journal - today is Volume 27, No. 7 according to the paper I'm reading


While everybody is acting all weird around here I am quietly sitting under a nice shade tree reading Weekly World News which says right on the cover that it is the world's only reliable newspaper. There is a picture of Lincoln who it says sent the first text message and a picture of the psychic who powers magic 8 ball. She looks a lot like Lincoln in a dress and lots of beads. I was hoping that my story about Yeti's favorite popcorn would be in here but it's not. There is an article about roast beef flavored toothpaste though. My favorite part is the page about the mysterious groundhog-men and the malevolent man-worm. These guys sure know good writing.

Wow. Famous archaeologist Carter Hull of the British Museum has uncovered the secret of the Sphinx! What's a marionette?

They have a picture of a knife for women - you know those ones with all the doo-dads that guys like? This one has a lipstick and a pregnancy test strip and eyeliner and mascara brushes, too. What woman wouldn't want this?

It's nice to read quietly about the real world when everything around you is totally crazy. Ewww - is that a hairy strip of duct tape stuck to my shoe?


::these are all real articles found in the Oct 24th edition of Weekly World News, and are mentioned or excerpted for educational purposes only::

[Sven_the_Viking]

I have been travelling for days to finally catch up with your metal longboats that float upon the land...where did everyone go??

[robeiae]

:popcorn:

(Well, this is the worst ending I've seen since Titanic. And I'm out of popcorn.)

*Rob gets up from his seat, walks up the aisle and out of the theatre...the camera pans around revealing row after row of empty seats*
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
*The silence is almost complete, except for a soft moan...*
..
..
..
..
*In the last row, in the far corner, the tip of a red shoe pointing towards the ceiling is just barely visible above the seatback...suddenly, a dark figurerises up from the seats wearing a helmet with two large horns on it. He reaches for his battle-axe and heads for the door. A hand reaches up from below for him, but too late...*

Rob :)

[jdkiggins]

It helps not to have one's feet too firmly rooted in reality, I'm told. Follow me, everyone!

Joanne's cue.

Joanne tripped and fell into the circle hole Barb drew. She slid down a long muddy narrow tunnel and landed in the middle of a scene in her horror novel.

As she read, her legs twitched, her hands shook and her lip quivered. She'd forgotten what she'd written after all these years...it scared the sh*t out of her.

Those wandering around aimlessly above couldn’t hear her screams.

After several hours, she pulled the lighter from her pocket and lit up a smoke. In the dim light of the lighter's flame she saw papers scattered on the ground. As she collected them she realized they were pages to her manuscript that she thought had been thrown to the wind from the SUV.

How did they get in here? she wondered.

Joanne plopped herself on the damp ground, dipped her finger in the mud and continued the scene she'd begun twenty years ago.

It was the perfect atmosphere for writing her horror novel. What better place and time to write than at the bottom of a muddy imaginary circle hole in the middle of an adventure with a bunch of fellow nuts.

[three seven]

Give me one more database error. Just one more. I dare you.

[jdkiggins]

Joanne crawled out of the circle hole and was met by Three and his shiny knife. Poor dear fell back down the hole and decided to stay there until someone rescues her.

Due to all the ups and downs of the trip, she figured she'd be safer keeping a low profile.

[batyler65]

"Oh, look," said Barb. My nifty hole thingy brought us right into the heart of the world's longest mapped cave system, Mammoth Cave!!! (http://www.nps.gov/maca/gallery/broadway.jpg) Somebody tell Dawno!"

:: disembodied Voice::
Joanne is playing in the mud.

"EEEEEwwwwww, Joanne! Lori!! Joanne is all muddy! And she's talkin' to herself again!"

Barb peers down the path. "You know, I bet there are light switches down here and if you turn them off it gets really dark."

Joanne looks up as Barb wanders down the long winding path, deeper into the cave. A sudden thought strikes her and she draws a muddy line through a sentence she just finished. "I lose more characters that way," she mutters.

[Dawno]

Dawno's Journal - somewhere along the space time continuumumummum (my reading level is way above my spelling skill level, even for a precocious child)


I've been really busy writing up reviews of all the World's Largest Stuff for Reviewstream.com (http://www.reviewstream.com/). I've written up 600 reviews. At $2 a review I should have enough for a limo ride outta here and back to California. Here's an example of a couple of my reviews

World's Largest Nose Hair Trimmer Collection, Route 32, Macnawannagohoma, Wisconsin: Did you know that use of the old fashioned rotary nose hair trimmer caused 50 deaths in Wisconsin in 1947? It's true. I read it on a little index card beneath a trimmer that caused the death of two Norwegian farmer brothers. I'm not sure what 'abcess' means but I hope that stuff on the trimmer was rust. There are about elevnty brazillian other trimmers there. I didn't have time to see them all before Lori made us get back in the car.

World's Largest Biker Bandana Collection, Birol Springs, Montana: I'm not sure why anyone really wants to see lots and lots of greasy red and blue bandanas on foam wig stands. Each stand has an index card poked into the face with a thumbtack that tells you why the bandana is important. Some of the cards had bad words on them. Some of the bandanas had funny black edged holes in them. I didn't get to go into the back room that said "Adults Only" but Unca CC sure looked embarassed when he got caught coming out of there.

I sent 'em 598 more like that. Now I just sit back and wait for the big bucks to roll in.

[Dawno]

"Oh, look," said Barb. My nifty hole thingy brought us right into the heart of the world's longest mapped cave system, Mammoth Cave!!! (http://www.nps.gov/maca/gallery/broadway.jpg) Somebody tell Dawno!"

:: disembodied Voice::
Joanne is playing in the mud.

"EEEEEwwwwww, Joanne! Lori!! Joanne is all muddy! And she's talkin' to herself again!"

Barb peers down the path. "You know, I bet there are light switches down here and if you turn them off it gets really dark."

Joanne looks up as Barb wanders down the long winding path, deeper into the cave. A sudden thought strikes her and she draws a muddy line through a sentence she just finished. "I lose more characters that way," she mutters.

Note to self: Give someone other than Joanne those festive holiday erasers if you want to keep on exisiting.

[ChunkyC]

Unca CC exits the 'Adults' room at the World's Largest Biker Bandana Collection, Birol Springs, Montana, and sees a precoc-- precoa-- really insolent young girl wearing purple earmuffs, staring at him.

"Uh," he says wittily, "wrong room. I thought this was the world's largest banana collection."

She continues to stare, so CC quickly whips out the World's Largest Sharpie Marker and scribbles 'Consenting' in front of the word Adult on the door.

When he finally manages to exit the World's Largest Biker Bandana Collection, he stops and gapes when he realizes he is still indoors. High above, floats a flashing neon sign that reads:

Welcome to The World's Largest Collection Of World's Largest Collections.

He says, quite obviously, "I don't think we're in Montana anymore."

[robeiae]

(What is this? Was there an intermission or something? I still don't have any popcorn and that Sven guy left something in the back row that's smoking cigarettes now...)

Rob :)

[jdkiggins]

Note to self: Give someone other than Joanne those festive holiday erasers if you want to keep on exisiting.

Erasers? How did I get blamed for this? :(

Barb, will you draw another hole, please? I think I need to go back into hiding. ;) Anne? Where are you? Help! I think I erased myself.

[Birol]

Look, everyone! Festive holiday erasers!

*Lori picks one up and starts working on the big black mark Barb made.*

[jdkiggins]

Wait, Lori! Wait! I get so confused sometimes.

Am I in or out of the hole? Please don't erase me in.

[Birol]

Why? What's the difference? What happens if I erase the hole with people inside it?

[jdkiggins]

:Shrug: Have to dig our way out, maybe?

Uh oh, I think Lori may be mad at all of us. She doesn't care if there are people in a deep, dark hole and she might close us off in it. :(

[robeiae]

(Methinks Lori is gonna end up in a vast empty space...she's not so much erasing them as erasing her link to the universe. Why do I think she'll be happy about this?)

Rob :)

[Sven_the_Viking]

Do you think there might be any mead or herrings down there? I am very weary of these drinks and meat you people consume. I had thought something with a name such as Mountain Dew might be much like mead. I was sorely disappointed.

[Birol]

(Methinks Lori is gonna end up in a vast empty space...she's not so much erasing them as erasing her link to the universe. Why do I think she'll be happy about this?)

Rob :)

Haven't you ever wanted to know what's on the other side of nothingness or what happens if you don't go into the light?

[jdkiggins]

Haven't you ever wanted to know what's on the other side of nothingness or what happens if you don't go into the light?
I think I've been there and back. It was nothingness, too. ;)

[Birol]

LOOK EVERYBODY. WE'RE HERE! ISN'T IT GREAT?


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[Dawno]

Yay!

[maestrowork]

Are we there yet? <yawn>

[Dawno]

Some people can sleep thru anything, huh?

[awatkins]

Anne's Super Secret Travel Journal--Last Day of the Road Trip

Looks like the sleeping potion I slipped into everyone's hot chocolate worked! Once CC and Mac dozed off, I pilfered through their stuff and found the keys to the SUV, van, beat-up-old car, and the wagon pulling the snoring Viking--good thing we thought to chain them all together so all I had to do was sit in the SUV driver's seat. Stupid thing is all ripped up from where the Viking got his head stuck in the car door and his horn poked into the leather.

After that, it was a simple matter to fire up the engine--well, I actually had to hot-wire the crazy thing. Somebody got cat hair in the ignition and everybody knows how that can gum up a machine!

What was I saying? Oh, yes. Then I managed to wrestle everyone into their seats, belt them in (had to use duct tape on CC--sorry about the missing hair, Charlie, it'll grow back), and hit the road. And now here we are!!

Um....looks like some stuff is missing. Guess I didn't bungee everything down securely enough. But the point is, we're here! Let the new adventures begin.

Battle birds, to your posts!

why won't this post???? trying again.....

[robeiae]

Was this trip really necassary?

Rob :)

[awatkins]

Yes. Where else would we learn all the various uses of Yeti hides?

[Dawno]

Or discover that Yeti's like Orville Redenbacher popcorn. And teasing CC was worth the price, if nothing else!

I gotta go over to the old site and recover my lost post - can't finish my story without it!!

[jdkiggins]

LOOK EVERYBODY. WE'RE HERE! ISN'T IT GREAT?








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Woo Hoo!!! I get to take another thread off my subscribed list!!!!
I'll miss everyone that went on this road trip. :Smack: What am I saying! See you around the new board, everyone!!

[robeiae]

I have a question:

How come there was no roadtrip to Dawnette? Bloody favoritism, I think...

[Sven_the_Viking]

Indeed, friend robeiae. Perhaps it was a Druid conspiracy?

[Birol]

Dawnette had to travel in the utmost secrecy with the tightest security in order to protect her from would-be brigands.