Game: What Works?

[The Kidd]

Ok. Hi and welcome to ‘What Works?’. This is a game designed to help everyone! You take a sentence or a paragraph (let’s keep it to about five sentences max) that you either aren’t sure of or you know is lacking and post it up. You need to list what genre it’s from (Ex. YA: Urban Fantasy, Adult: Paranormal Romance) and how the characters relate to one another.


Step 2: Other people come along and make suggestions by either telling you to ditch it, giving you an alternate word, or giving you an alternate sentence or re-wording.
Guess I’ll start with this seriously flawed sentence. YA: Urban Fantasy. MC and love interest.

He had removed his shirt and revealed his bare skin, a rich taupe against the moon.


Something is seriously wrong with the word 'taupe'.

[Poetoffire]

The entire sentence after "he had removed his shirt" is unnecessary, to me. We get it. His shirt's off. Bare skin. Moonlight. It doesn't read to interesting.

[The Kidd]

Why thank you Poetoffire :) I ended up cutting it last night.

[Stunted]

I don't have anything right now, but give me a week or two and I definitely will.

[Nakhlasmoke]

He had removed his shirt and revealed his bare skin, a rich taupe against the moon.

I actually kinda disagree with Poet (but in a friendly way). I like a bit of description. :D


I think the problem with taupe is that it's rather vague (for me anyway - wiki says it's a dark greyishbrown colour and then threw up this wonderful idea - "Originally, this referred only to the average color of the French mole")


That's a pretty cool image - skin as dark and velvety as mole fur. :D I'd play with the imagery of that sort of thing, but then I do prefer to write a little more lyrically, so it might not work for you.

[The Kidd]

I actually kinda disagree with Poet (but in a friendly way). I like a bit of description.


I think the problem with taupe is that it's rather vague (for me anyway - wiki says it's a dark greyishbrown colour and then threw up this wonderful idea - "Originally, this referred only to the average color of the French mole")


That's a pretty cool image - skin as dark and velvety as mole fur. I'd play with the imagery of that sort of thing, but then I do prefer to write a little more lyrically, so it might not work for you.

Thank you Nakh :) I will concider working with the sentence. Lately my work has been a little smutty, and it scares me XD but that can be a good thing right?