Opening a novel with a teaser that isn't expounded upon until about 1200 words later

[lucidzfl]

The opening of my novel is fairly passive. It establishes my MC and their relationship with each other, as well as gives you some knowledge of their standing. I do not go into any back story (thanks to a SYW critter), but you realize that the MC has money because they're staying at the Ritz Carlton. You realize he's frugal though, because he refuses to take a limo, instead opting for a cab.

While I feel this is integral to the story, its not quite Getting to the action immediately.

I thought about adding a teasing opener to the first chapter along the lines of, "Mitchel Wilkenson had no idea when the alarm went off that morning, that his life, and the lives of everyone on the planet was about to change forever."

After this, I would parlaying directly into the chapter. (In the current draft, he awakes with the alarm going off)

However, the big bombs-falling, destruction, savage-murdering stuff doesn't get going until about 7 pages later.

The preceding 6 pages consist mainly of dialog between him and his wife as they travel from the hotel to the park, then provides some description of the amusement park itself. I felt it was important to do this because:

A. I want to know who these people are before one of them gets knocked unconscious by a bomb

B. I want to describe the happiness and bright colors of the park, since its about to be bombed to fuck-all and charred to a crisp.

What do you guys think?

[JRTurner]

I think you're using the tried and true method of showing the characters in their every-day world before the inciting event.

However, I think your insecurites are coming from the length and content you've chosen to share that every-day world, which means there's a better opening deep inside you and you haven't reached it yet.

Here's my advice, take it or leave it as you see fit ;)

1) If you haven't finished the book, don't touch the opening until you have. You really won't know where you need to begin until you've finished. Just let this rest, let it percolate in the back of your mind and keep going with the rest of trhe book.

2) If you have finished the book, think about what you're really trying to say about the characters, about life, etc. and use that as a basis for this opening scene. The difference between the exciting, brightly-colored world and the aftermath is just surface stuff. What you want is the deeper meaning within your characters.

3) If you choose to keep what you have, cut it in half and see if it doesn't feel better to you. Yes, the amusement park shows bright colors, etc. But so can the lobby of the Ritz Carlton--is there really any need to leave that lap of luxury to showcase the differences between what happens in their every-day world and after the inciting event?

Hope this helps some. Beginnings can be tough. I know I've struggled with a few myself. My best ones have always been showing my character before the inciting event--so a character who is fearless and challenged by her greatest fear is shown being fearless--and then scared out of her wits unexpectedly. Or a character who murders sinners for redemptions is confronted by a sinner who "tricks" her into helping kill someone she believes is innocent.

This occurs within the first two or three pages, but it's always alluded to immediately. You may want to look into how you can heighten the coming bombs with characters who poo-poo the idea they'll ever actually launch.

Of course--you may already have done all of this and I'm only telling you everything you already know, so ignore me totally if that's the case :)

Warmly,
Jenny:)

[lucidzfl]

I think you're using the tried and true method of showing the characters in their every-day world before the inciting event.

However, I think your insecurites are coming from the length and content you've chosen to share that every-day world, which means there's a better opening deep inside you and you haven't reached it yet.

Here's my advice, take it or leave it as you see fit ;)

1) If you haven't finished the book, don't touch the opening until you have. You really won't know where you need to begin until you've finished. Just let this rest, let it percolate in the back of your mind and keep going with the rest of trhe book.

2) If you have finished the book, think about what you're really trying to say about the characters, about life, etc. and use that as a basis for this opening scene. The difference between the exciting, brightly-colored world and the aftermath is just surface stuff. What you want is the deeper meaning within your characters.

3) If you choose to keep what you have, cut it in half and see if it doesn't feel better to you. Yes, the amusement park shows bright colors, etc. But so can the lobby of the Ritz Carlton--is there really any need to leave that lap of luxury to showcase the differences between what happens in their every-day world and after the inciting event?

Hope this helps some. Beginnings can be tough. I know I've struggled with a few myself. My best ones have always been showing my character before the inciting event--so a character who is fearless and challenged by her greatest fear is shown being fearless--and then scared out of her wits unexpectedly. Or a character who murders sinners for redemptions is confronted by a sinner who "tricks" her into helping kill someone she believes is innocent.

This occurs within the first two or three pages, but it's always alluded to immediately. You may want to look into how you can heighten the coming bombs with characters who poo-poo the idea they'll ever actually launch.

Of course--you may already have done all of this and I'm only telling you everything you already know, so ignore me totally if that's the case :)

Warmly,
Jenny:)

Thanks so much for the response.

I do not know how to detail what draft of the book I am on. I wrote 2 drafts of an outline that was 60 pages long.

I then sat down and wrote the first 12000 words before realizing I needed a massive change. I then rewrote everything, and am now sitting on 15,000 words. I technically know everything thats going to happen, due to the outline, but I NEEEVER stick to the outline that closely. Stuff changes too much once the characters are real.

I posted the first 800 words of my original draft (One before this one) to SYW. It was commented that not much really happened in that section. Perhaps if I'd posted the entire first 2000 words, the response would have been different.

This is where my quandry is coming from.

I could simply cut the part about the hotel. The fact that Mitch makes good money is something that really isn't important to the story whatsoever. It was a fun little section that had personal meaning to me, but if cutting it means I get to the action 250 words sooner, I suppose I should do it. If I really gave a shit about noting the fact that before he became a post apocalyptic warlord, he was a television executive, I can toss it in as a throwaway line somewhere else in the book.

Thanks a lot for the feedback.

EDIT:
Shit, I forgot, when they are in the cab, thats the first time they hear the evangelist's voice on the radio. I could still do away with this, and have posters of him up at the amusement park. Its very important to allude to him because he's the instigator for the war that happens.

[seun]

The opening of my novel is fairly passive.

I thought about adding a teasing opener to the first chapter along the lines of, "Mitchel Wilkenson had no idea when the alarm went off that morning, that his life, and the lives of everyone on the planet was about to change forever."


If it's passive enough for you to think there's a problem, then there's a problem. And whatever you do to fix it, please don't use the example you quoted above. I know it's only an idea and not the text you're using, but it's such an overdone, cliched device that it had to be said.

[lucidzfl]

If it's passive enough for you to think there's a problem, then there's a problem. And whatever you do to fix it, please don't use the example you quoted above. I know it's only an idea and not the text you're using, but it's such an overdone, cliched device that it had to be said.

Fair enough.

I think that cutting some of the excess fat and simply moving the disaster up will be enough. I also think I should combine chapters 1-3 (The 2000 words) into 1 chapter.

If I can chop 500 words or so from it, and its a 1500 word chapter, then the "shit" can hit the fan in chapter 1.

That probably makes more sense.

[yakkity]

I agree with opening with the disaster. Instead of showing their lives before the disaster, might you open with a teaser describing the inciting moment before introducing your MCs? Perhaps a radio broadcast.

I'm a screenwriter at heart, and I'm picturing a close up on a taxicab radio announcing rescue efforts at the site over the opening credits. That scene dissolves into the back seat of a cab (days earlier but the audience doesn't know this), showing your MCs en route to the Ritz Carlton (or Four Seasons or The Plaza). You can show their lifestyle through their dress, demeanor, and language. No better way to show the guy's stinginess than to have him under-tip the driver.

Just my $.02

[sleepsheep]

Why don't you just contract the passive opening sequence by about half? That'll still give the necessary exposition, but allow the fun action to kick off right away. You don't really need seven pages of dialogue to establish the nature and nuances of a relationship between two people. It can be done well in just a few lines, if they are the right lines.

[willietheshakes]

I dunno -- I open the new one with a catastrophic event that takes place 20 years prior to the main action, in a different country, and is completely unrelated until about 100,000 words in. Hell if I know if it works or not.

[lucidzfl]

I agree with opening with the disaster. Instead of showing their lives before the disaster, might you open with a teaser describing the inciting moment before introducing your MCs? Perhaps a radio broadcast.

I'm a screenwriter at heart, and I'm picturing a close up on a taxicab radio announcing rescue efforts at the site over the opening credits. That scene dissolves into the back seat of a cab (days earlier but the audience doesn't know this), showing your MCs en route to the Ritz Carlton (or Four Seasons or The Plaza). You can show their lifestyle through their dress, demeanor, and language. No better way to show the guy's stinginess than to have him under-tip the driver.

Just my $.02

Well they are trapped IN the amusement park, so they've traveled from the hotel to the park, thats where the disaster takes place.

I talked it over with my wife at lunch and I think what I'm going to do is completely cut the hotel scene out.

The story will start with them arriving at the park in the taxi and stepping out of it. From there they enter the park, are really happy, then disaster.

Originally, I had them go on a ride, and grab a beer, then be talking when shit goes haywire.

If I cut the beer and ride scene + the hotel, I can collapse the entirety of the first 3 chapters into about one 1200 word chapter, which will end with the bombs going off.

That gives a bit of character description and show their interaction with each other, all while kicking off the rest of the story before chapter 2.

[lucidzfl]

Why don't you just contract the passive opening sequence by about half? That'll still give the necessary exposition, but allow the fun action to kick off right away. You don't really need seven pages of dialogue to establish the nature and nuances of a relationship between two people. It can be done well in just a few lines, if they are the right lines.

Yeah absolutely. Thats exactly what I'm thinking of doing. The superfluous actions they took at the park really are just that: superfluous.

I like the idea of hitting the ground running by chapter 2. I even figured out how to slide in the concept of the evangelist without making it overt.

[john barnes on toast]

can we not use the word 'passive' when we mean uneventful? Madness that way lies.

[lucidzfl]

can we not use the word 'passive' when we me uneventful? Madness that way lies.

I'll call it pureed shit if you like. I was just repeating the word that was used in my general direction when I shared this a week or so ago.

:)

[john barnes on toast]

I'll call it pureed shit if you like. I was just repeating the word that was used in my general direction when I shared this a week or so ago.

:)


Well it does seem to be a favoured word in the circles of literary criticism, but it's one that's often used in a potentially confusing, or even downright wrong manner.

Even by the literal definition of the word, it's not really appropriate here, as it would require some form of subordination or acquiescence from your characters, and that's not what we're talking about.
There are dozens of words that would be more appropriate anyway (normal, hum drum, everyday, routine, boring) but the real danger of using 'passive' is the potential for confusion in regard to the 'voice' of the piece, and it's passivity or otherwise.

'Passive Voice' pertains to grammar; the inherent drama or tension of the physical events the occur in piece of writing has absolutely no bearing on whether it's voice is 'passive' or not.
(for example, 'Dave sat on his arse and did nothing' is written with active voice.)

I appreciate that's not what you said, (and apologise for going off on one) but this slightly wooly deployment of the word is only likely to perpetuate its future misuse, and drive me absolutely frigging bonkers.

[sleepsheep]

An accepted definition of "passive," is "inactive," as in, lacking action. Dialogue != action. The context justifies that use, I think, although I appreciate the confusion relating to voice. I would hesitate to use "uneventful," though. We don't know whether the opening chapters are uneventful, which has connotations of being uninteresting, prosaic, etc.

Sorry for the detour, I suddenly got defensive.

[Emily Winslow]

Add tension to your hotel scene. Are they packing, and can't find a missing item? Has housekeeping thrown something away, or moved something and a character worries that the item was somehow used or read or something? You can show someone's "perfect" life yet still have some mini-tension within it. And this mini-arc can also be used to foreshadow something about your characters--a personality quirk, skill, concern, or relationship issue that will come up again later.

ALL scenes should have tension, even if they don't yet have the main tension that the rest of the book will be about. There should be a reason to turn every page.