Change the tense?

[arwenc]

Hello everyone! I have just started writing my book and have written 4000 words so far. I am now wondering whether I should change the tense and point of view. Currently, I am writing in first person, past tense. Here are three paragraphs from the beginning. Pretty raw but it gives a basic idea of how I am going about it.

There was a time before the civilizations of Earth and Knowlen became one. Everyone knows that we are joined together now, but it has not been recorded in our history, how we combined our worlds. I would like to be able to say we were brought together by the heavens or that the creators of Knowlen had it planned all along. In reality, it was a series of events and a dash of coincidence that joined us together to create a new society. The start of our collision towards each other began one morning in my kitchen. I was carrying a bowl of cereal across the cheery, orange colored room, over to the wood table in the corner. My hands were still shaking from my 10 mile run and I dropped the bowl of cereal onto the white tile. Rolling my eyes at my clumsiness I went to push the clean button on the side of the table when the shine of the milk against the floor caught my eye. I creased my eyebrows and looked closer at the spilled milk, crushed cereal flakes, and broken glass bowl. My finger dropped from the button and to my side. Maybe, just maybe, I thought to myself. My eyes were glued to the mess in front of me but my feet finally pulled me towards my studio. Taking one last look I darted down the hallway to my studio. As I entered the all white room my mess of projects flooded over me. The room was one, overwhelming project. There were completed paintings waiting to be shipped off to museums and buyers. There were works in progress that needed to either be finished or scrapped. Some of the uncompleted paintings were just an overall mess. Fruit was smashed onto white, wood shavings painted over. Glancing at some of these paintings I had to wonder, whatever was I thinking? Turning my attention away from the rest of my projects, I looked around for my pile of canvases. Seeing them stacked up on a white shelf I grabbed a fresh canvas from the stack and looked around for a free easel. My easels were all occupied, so I yelled out, "Easel!"



What do you think? Should I change the tense or point of view? I am worried that the parts where I have to explain the differences in the world of Knowlen will be akward and boring.

[LOG]

That depends on where your MC is when the differences need explaining. If they're in Knowlen, it's simple, or if you have a Knowlen who is explaining this stuff to your MC. Or you could have a Knowlen character who's head you jump into every once in awhile to dramatize the differences between these two worlds.

[Pthom]

Because the question here isn't genre specific, I've moved it to Basic Writing Questions, where it may be a better fit--and receive responses that may better answer that question. :)

[She_wulf]

at the risk of upsetting the thread author,

Change the tense.

Period.

I know, that the above sounds harsh, but first person, despite its immediacy, the ease of thinking in the "I' form, and the rise of its popularity lately, is OVERDONE by new writers. If you have studied the craft (either in school or out of school - which translates to putting time and effort into writing a lot and getting critiqued by your peers), tense is not a issue, if you are just starting, stick to third person until you get better. Mistakes you make will not be submerged among first person muck.

Here's why...
you wrote:
I was carrying a bowl of cereal across the cheery, orange colored room, over to the wood table in the corner. My hands were still shaking from my 10 mile run and I dropped the bowl of cereal onto the white tile. Rolling my eyes at my clumsiness I went to push the clean button on the side of the table when the shine of the milk against the floor caught my eye. I creased my eyebrows and looked closer at the spilled milk, crushed cereal flakes, and broken glass bowl. My finger dropped from the button and to my side. Maybe, just maybe, I thought to myself. My eyes were glued to the mess in front of me but my feet finally pulled me towards my studio. Taking one last look I darted down the hallway to my studio.
Here's the same scene, rewritten in first person without so much reference to self:

Inspiration hits with the speed and agility of a 300 pound tiger in the dairy aisle of a grocery store. My hands were still shaking as I stared at the broken bowl, spilled cereal, and rainbow-tinted milk spilling across the kitchen floor. The colors bleed together, triggering little sparks of imagination. The muse was there, hovering amid starts and stops of other projects but clamoring over the usual mire, seeking an outlet. A simple mistake, leftover from the residue of a ten-mile run, a hasty breakfast, and low blood sugar knocked into me forcing my feet toward the studio.

...
Eight references to the singular, to four. There's a difference between writing "I" and writing in first person. It is subtle, but separate. Focus on what you NEED to relate in the scene versus the ancillary stuff. Do we need to know you rolled your eyes, do we need to know the floor is cherry? I think not. What we need to know is that the narrator spilled breakfast and was inspired. How it relates to what happens next. What underlying theme in the event will carry over to the next scene and affect the outcome of the story. Those things are your focus, whether you write in first person or not.

By cutting out the self, you focus on the events, which is why switching from first person to third helps beginners. You see why things don't work easier because you as a writer have now distanced your emotions from the character and are treating it as a vehicle rather than an extension of self.

Just my 2 cents.

Amy

[seun]

I'll second everything Amy said.

[Libbie]

I agree with Amy as well. First-person POV is challenging to do well, and it's often hard for newer writers to pull off well for the reasons Amy pointed out.

[CaroGirl]

at the risk of upsetting the thread author,

Change the tense.

Period.
...
Amy
I'd agree with Amy except I'd change the term to what she really means (and what everyone appears to be agreeing with), which is "point of view" not "tense". Two vastly different things.

[Izz]

Also, in Amy's rewrite example she accidentally slips between present and past tense ('hits' should be 'hit' and 'bleed' should be 'bled' to keep the past tense consistent). But, apart from that and what Caro pointed out, the rest of the advice is all good. :)

[lvcabbie]

The biggest problem with 1st person is that you limit yourself to only what the MC experiences!

How do you describe/show it if the MC doesn't sense it?

If you check out the big-time mainstream authors, you'll find they write in third person, omnescent(sp?) past tense. It gives them lots more freedon in telling their stories.:)

[aadams73]

If you check out the big-time mainstream authors, you'll find they write in third person, omnescent(sp?) past tense. It gives them lots more freedon in telling their stories.:)

Not to be contrary, but...

They are? I'd say it's more evenly divided between first and third than in the past. And I'm seeing very little true omniscient.

Third only gives you more freedom if it's the right POV for that story. Otherwise you wind up just as mired as if you'd chosen first when third would have served the story better.

To the OP: do what serves your story best. Amy had some great points about filtering. And if something is awkward or boring, find a better way to convey the information, otherwise chop it.

[NedC]

The biggest problem with 1st person is that you limit yourself to only what the MC experiences!

How do you describe/show it if the MC doesn't sense it?


Quite. It's easy to end up with all the other characters telling the narrator what's going on.

However, some very successful authors do use first person as a sort of trademark - Dick Francis, for example, or Patricia Cornwell. It works best where there's a lot of action and a strong focus on the narrator's personal angst.

You could mix it, of course. Have several first person narrators, or a first and a third, or a first person narrative interlaced with a formal report - in your case, perhaps, with some sort of Book of Wisdom (Oh no, not another Book of Wisdom!).

There are no rules, just what you can pull off successfully.

[dpaterso]

I didn't have any problems with the posted sample. There's nothing wrong with writing in 1st person if that's what you want to do. Present tense tends to be trickier than past tense so you need to pay more attention :) but that's that's acceptable, too. Follow your own instincts -- switch off the targeting computer and use the Force.

-Derek

[arwenc]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I can see what your saying about first-person and having it not be "I" every line. I started rewriting what I had written to third person and I like it a lot better!