Is this too purple?

[Mistook]

No Exit Café lurked beneath the Red Line on a narrow brick street in the heart of Roger’s Park. Thanks to the El platform, the tiny storefront sat in shadow by day and night. When it wasn’t hiding from the sun, it hid from the glare of streetlamps. It hid in the rumble of passing trains, and the squeal of iron wheels at the Morton stop up the block.

Trudging over the hard-pack snow along Glenwood, Adrianne winced as the wind clawed at her face. Lake Michigan could be a harsh mistress in the winter, but no Chicagoan worth her salt wore a scarf or a hat. Not for a walk of five blocks. Not to the coffeehouse where Ginsberg penned some of his best poetry. Nobody who couldn’t weather the elements deserved the respite of No Exit’s cloistered solitude.

[horror_fan90]

Just my opinion, but maybe you can tone it down just a little...

[Mistook]

I get purple under pressure :Huh:. I'm starting to think a nice 20 year break from writing might be just what the doctor ordered.

[Birol]

A 20 year break? Excuse me? I don't think so.

[Garpy]

Doesn't seem excessively prosey to me. I guess if every small action in your tale was accompanied by the same level of prose, then it might be considered a 'dense' novel, but certainly no worse than Umberto Eco or even Stephen King on a particularly bad day.

[MadScientistMatt]

Not bad for setting the mood and introducing a scene. You would probably want to have the pace pick up as she walks into the cafe, but you can definitely get away with that for two paragraphs. At least if I'm reading. :)

[Jenken]

I think the tone is fine for scene setting, although that last sentence is a tough one to chew through.

BTW, I used to live in Aurora, right off Iola and Ogden, back in the late 90s. Heard that area has really changed...

[gabbleandhiss]

No Exit Café lurked beneath the Red Line on a narrow brick street in the heart of Roger’s Park. Thanks to the El platform, the tiny storefront sat in shadow by day and night. When it wasn’t hiding from the sun, it hid from the glare of streetlamps. It hid in the rumble of passing trains, and the squeal of iron wheels at the Morton stop up the block.

You're regurgitating the same idea over and over again. Take the following passage, and clean it up.

No Exit Café lurked beneath the Red Line on a narrow brick street in the heart of Roger’s Park. Day and night, the tiny storefront sat in the shadow of the El platform, hidden by the rumble of passing trains, and the squeal of iron wheels at the Morton stop up the block.

Lake Michigan could be a harsh mistress in the winter

"[H]arsh mistress" is, for want of a better term, hokey.

[maestrowork]

No Exit Café lurked beneath the Red Line on a narrow brick street in the heart of Roger’s Park. Thanks to the El platform, the tiny storefront sat in shadow by day and night. When it wasn’t hiding from the sun, it hid from the glare of streetlamps. It hid in the rumble of passing trains, and the squeal of iron wheels at the Morton stop up the block.

Trudging over the hard-pack snow along Glenwood, Adrianne winced as the wind clawed at her face. Lake Michigan could be a harsh mistress in the winter, but no Chicagoan worth her salt wore a scarf or a hat. Not for a walk of five blocks. Not to the coffeehouse where Ginsberg penned some of his best poetry. Nobody who couldn’t weather the elements deserved the respite of No Exit’s cloistered solitude.

I don't think it's "purple" per se, but you definitely should pare it down. By the end of the second paragraph my eyes just glazed over.

Don't take a break (not even a 20-hour break). Everything can be fixed in rewrite. I'm sure you can rewrite these paragraphs... show us the stuff! Show us!

;)

[Jamesaritchie]

No Exit Café lurked beneath the Red Line on a narrow brick street in the heart of Roger’s Park. Thanks to the El platform, the tiny storefront sat in shadow by day and night. When it wasn’t hiding from the sun, it hid from the glare of streetlamps. It hid in the rumble of passing trains, and the squeal of iron wheels at the Morton stop up the block.

Trudging over the hard-pack snow along Glenwood, Adrianne winced as the wind clawed at her face. Lake Michigan could be a harsh mistress in the winter, but no Chicagoan worth her salt wore a scarf or a hat. Not for a walk of five blocks. Not to the coffeehouse where Ginsberg penned some of his best poetry. Nobody who couldn’t weather the elements deserved the respite of No Exit’s cloistered solitude.

I'd say it depends on the genre. I would get rid of the "harsh mistress." That's a cliche. So is "worth her salt." Other than this, I don't think it's too purple. But it does depend a bit on genre. Each genre has it's own "feel," it's own shade of acceptable purple. But on the whole, no, I don;t think it's too purple.

I'd also say it really can't be judged very well out of context, and such a short passage is always out of context. It's how it fits with the whole that matters.

I'd also say that the first draft is not the time to worry about it.

[jackie106]

Hi Mistook,

I sent you a PM about No Exit/Rogers Park/Chicago.

Jackie

[Azure Skye]

I'm almost embarrassed to ask this but what does "purple" mean?:Shrug:

[scribbler1382]

I'm almost embarrassed to ask this but what does "purple" mean?:Shrug:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purple_prose

[sassandgroove]

You're regurgitating the same idea over and over again. Take the following passage, and clean it up.

No Exit Café lurked beneath the Red Line on a narrow brick street in the heart of Roger’s Park. Day and night, the tiny storefront sat in the shadow of the El platform, hidden by the rumble of passing trains, and the squeal of iron wheels at the Morton stop up the block.



"[H]arsh mistress" is, for want of a better term, hokey.

Not neccessarily. It depends on your goal, and the rest of the work. I didn't feel it regurgitated. I saw it more clearly in my mind when she pointed out that it hid from the streelights, too. I like it. :Clap:

P.S. Do not under any circumstance take a 20 year break!!!

[aruna]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purple_prose

Very interesting; thanks for this.

[Perks]

Personally, I like it. Sometimes when things are too cut and dried I feel overtly aware that the author is trying to be hip and edgy. I think it's a nice start.

[Mistook]

Not bad for setting the mood and introducing a scene. You would probably want to have the pace pick up as she walks into the cafe, but you can definitely get away with that for two paragraphs. At least if I'm reading. :)


Thanks Matt and others who've answered here! :)

This was an experiment at scene setting. I've been getting some feedback that I don't take enough time to set up a scene before characters begin to speak and act.

[Mistook]

I think the tone is fine for scene setting, although that last sentence is a tough one to chew through.

BTW, I used to live in Aurora, right off Iola and Ogden, back in the late 90s. Heard that area has really changed...

Eola out by 34... yes, there's been a lot of development out that way in the last decade. New subdivisions, more strip malls. You probably wouldn't recognize it. I remember it used to be more or less open land back in the day.

[Mistook]

You're regurgitating the same idea over and over again. Take the following passage, and clean it up.
[QUOTE]

[QUOTE=sassandgroove]Not neccessarily. It depends on your goal, and the rest of the work. I didn't feel it regurgitated. I saw it more clearly in my mind when she pointed out that it hid from the streelights, too. I like it. :Clap:

P.S. Do not under any circumstance take a 20 year break!!!

I was attempting to reiterate the idea of hiding because our protagonist here is "projecting" her own wish to hide. But perhaps I overdid it. I'll attempt a re-write of this tonight, for the sake of those who are curious.

I won't take a 20 year break, but sometimes I feel like it. I've been concentrating on so many other areas of my writing that I've let description slide. Now, I find I'm rusty with it - still writing about how I did in College, when I was into reading flowery novels from the turn of the century.

[alanna]

I'm almost embarrassed to ask this but what does "purple" mean?:Shrug:

lol, i'm glad i'm not the only one who was confused! thanks for the link scribbler!

[Mistook]

Here's my second attempt at this passage. As a Chapter 1 intro, it's probably too slow. I won't bother with this part again until the first draft is finished.




In spray paint, it read, “Liz I love you! – Jeff,” and a crude heart-shape finished the graffito on the side of the El Platform. Glazed behind a dripping sheet of ice, shimmering in the glow of streetlamps, it felt a little too romantic for Adrianne’s mood.

Adjusting the hang of her back-pack as she walked, she turned her gaze to the bricks of Glenwood Street, looking for black slush to tromp in protest of Valentine’s Day. But the slush was crunchy tonight, and a dusting of fresh snow had rendered it clean and glittery.

No Exit Café lurked ahead, in the shadow of the Red Line, across from the Chinese place, by the news stand. The windows of the tiny storefront glowed dimly with an amber tint, almost like candle light, as if the coffeehouse were holding a quiet vigil, for the return of Ginsberg. Would he be spray painting his affections for Liz all over town like a cat in heat? I think not!

A rumbling metra train rolled past her. With an iron squeal it slowed to a halt at Morse up the block. As a light breeze gave way to a cold blast of lake wind, She shuddered and shook it off. Go ahead, blow! Who needs a scarf? The best scarves of her generation had abandoned her. Umbrellas were equally capricious. Half the city has me to thank for free accessories! Ducking through the crowd of arriving commuters, she made it to the glass doors and slipped inside the dark, smokey cavern.

[aruna]

so many other areas of my writing that I've let description slide. Now, I find I'm rusty with it - still writing about how I did in College, when I was into reading flowery novels from the turn of the century.

ooof! same problem here. yesterday I tried to describe an orchid. What horrors.