View Full Version : Is this sentence ok?

07-18-2009, 12:40 PM
Hi, I'm just wondering if velvet would work here. I originally had darkness in it's place.

A blanket of velvet covered the Earth’s gorgeous beauty

just checking

07-18-2009, 03:05 PM
"Velvet" strikes me as not quite precise there, since I think you really do mean darkness.

If I were you, I'd also think about revising "gorgeous beauty." First, it's redundant--the adjective and the noun say the same thing so you're using two words and not getting a two words' worth of info. But also, it's abstract. I can't picture "beauty" in a concrete way. What's the darkness covering from the POV character's vantage point? A forest? The prairie? Mountains? The sea? You could replace "gorgeous beauty" with a phrase that specifically says what beautiful sight is hidden.

07-18-2009, 11:39 PM
Thank you dawinsor. Yes, I did mean darkness. And it is covering the city. So maybe, "The bueaty of the city was stolen away by a swell of fog wrapping around Lisa."


07-18-2009, 11:45 PM
"stolen away by a layer of darkness. There we go.

07-19-2009, 01:01 AM
Wordiness and redundancy. Saying "gorgeous beauty" is like saying "strong strength."

"Layer of darkness" also sounds wrong. Are there many layers? What is one layer of darkness like as opposed to another layer of darkness? It just seems verbose and purple.

And then there's the passive voice. Not that there's anything wrong with passive voice, but it is a bit weak. Keep it simple:

"A swell of fog stole away the beauty of the city" or some such. But I agree with dawinsor: why not show us instead of telling us about the beauty? I can't see the beauty. Describe it to me.

07-19-2009, 01:03 AM
it was freakin' dark. but purty.--s6

07-19-2009, 07:03 AM
it was freakin' dark. but purty.--s6


Omg. Sorry, that just made me laugh :D


07-21-2009, 01:57 AM
Ok. I'll try something else. Thanks