Conveying Descriptions Through Character Emotions

[Live Life]

3 questions. I am trying to write a story and i am having a few early issues. I want the story to be heavy in description of the world to really give the reader the feeling of stepping into the main character's world. I also want the story to be heavy in description of his emotions. It is starting to take a style where the character's emotions are how i am delivering the world. The character will feel a certain way about something and that is the first the reader will actually read about that thing. Rather than a 3rd person description of an item, the emotion of the character is introducing it.

For the first question, i was wondering if anyone has any experience with any writings being done this way that were a success? I have just been starting to write it so it is very early on and i want to know whether writing in that way can be successful or if it leads to reader confusion and a feeling of there being too little description in the story.

For the second question, i really want to make a request for a reference or two. I was wondering about the first couple chapters in my story and what i might be able to get away with. I have read and it is common sense i suppose that a person decides whether to read the book (or buy it) based on the first few pages. I also have read that many publishers only want to receive the first 3 chapters because they want to be enticed into reading the rest of the book from that beginning. I started writing and i really want to establish a good background for the story. I know that this is a "mistake" that writers (espcially us first timers) can make. The beginning does take place in "real time" (the story is progressing, it isn't a narrator style beginning explaining a lands history) but the way i want the story to flow leaves it seeming somewhat boring in the beginning. This is to give a sense to the boredom of the character's life at that time. I have been trying to figure out a way to spice it up. I have decided that i will try to constantly hint at something that to a normal person, sounds somewhat exciting. I want to keep mentioning it as i go through the beginning in a casual and natural way but each time end up giving a bit more of the "boring" beginning. I feel that the way i want to write my story, i really need to keep that boring beginning. The story will have action, danger, romance, and all the other fun stuff later but the beginning needs that boring feel to get the reader really feeling in touch with the character i think. I have thought of using a few flashbacks but they just don't seem right and i really want the story to stay linear until the very end which i may use a flashback or two at (will decide when i get there i think :) ). Does anyone have any ideas on what i could do besides what i have thought? Do any of you know of any successul stories that start boring but manage to keep the reader's attention long enough to get to the fun stuff that you could refer me too?

The third and final question i have is not specifically related to this section but if you don't mind i would like to ask it here. I would like to submit some parts of my story, listing them on this forum to be read and critiqued. This is my first attempt at writing something and i hope it will go to print. I really want some input on my writing and realize that there are some really nice people here who know writing that i would like to give the opportunity to help me out. If i post some of my story here, do in any way give up my rights to the writing? I want the help (and need it) but i also do not want to give my rights to publish the story away trying to get some help.

Thanks for reading and i look forward to some answers to these questions.

[Tish Davidson]

about question #2, go ahead and write the background. then continue on with the story. When you are finished, go back and look at where the action starts. The start the story there. Take all the background that comes before that and figure out exactly what the reader needs to know and work it in after the action starts. Boring is bad. Readers are impatient.

Sometimes you need to write all the background stuff out to help you get into the story, but there is nothing that says it has to remain in the final draft. Lots and lots of writers end up throwing away the first parts of their story after they have served the purpose of getting the writer started. I read an interview with Tony Hillerman, the very successful mystery writer, who says he has a whole file drawer of unused first chapters. He writes the first chapter, goes on and finishes the book, then goes back and files the first chapter and writes a new one with just the essentials. It's okay to write anything you need/want in your first draft. Don't censor yourseld. Just write to the end, put it away, and then start evaluating what you really need to make the story zip along.

[clara bow]

>This is to give a sense to the boredom of the character's life at that time.

What do you mean by 'boredom'? Is the character a super interesting person limited by adversive circumstances? Or does the character limit him/herself by starting out with limited insight into how s/he can make different choices to open up possibilities (then you have the beginning of a character growth arc). I would work on developing the conflict that you seem to have the seed of there (is it man vs man, man vs nature, man vs himself?). Boredom doesn't have to be boring if you've developed enough conflict to convey it (like, is the character so bored that he goes off once in a while just to create some excitement?).

Just a quick thought!

[azbikergirl]

The character will feel a certain way about something and that is the first the reader will actually read about that thing. Rather than a 3rd person description of an item, the emotion of the character is introducing it.
My personal preference for describing a setting is to link it to the story through the character's perceptions. IOW, rather than dropping a static paragraph about a room onto the page and then returning to the character's action, I prefer having the character notice the kinds of things this particular character would notice, maybe interact with the room physically, and if the items there evoke emotion, that's great.

but the way i want the story to flow leaves it seeming somewhat boring in the beginning.
Find a way to make it interesting! Don't bore the reader. If you think it's boring, a reader will, too.

Does anyone have any ideas on what i could do besides what i have thought?
What published books do you really love that you can model from? Every writer has the challenge of introducing backstory in the beginning. Beware the infamous info-dump. Try to find ways to work backstory into the forward movement of the story.

i post some of my story here, do in any way give up my rights to the writing? I want the help (and need it) but i also do not want to give my rights to publish the story away trying to get some help.
I'm not the expert, but from what I understand, you won't lose your rights (the copyright still belongs to you). Some publishers, however, may not consider work that's been previously published. This being a public forum, anyone can come here and read the stuff we have posted. If you decide to post in the Share Your Work column, you can edit your post after you've gotten the feedback you want, and delete your work before too many people see it.

Also, consider posting at critique-oriented forums such as http://www.critiquecircle.com/ -- only members can view the work, and it's for critique purposes only. It probably won't be construed as having been published. You can remove your work after your critique period is over.

[Jamesaritchie]

Just one thing. Descript is generally tell. Emotion, however, should be shown. You don't describe emotions, you show them through behaviour and action.

[Live Life]

Thank you for the responses. I am sorry i haven't responded sooner but i was away for a couple days.

Response to clara:

>What do you mean by 'boredom'?

Elaborating on the character might help answer this one. He is a 20 year old who was never one to get out in his high schools days. The beginning of the story is him moving into a new home with a friend, out of the parent's house. He lived a sheltered life for the most part, school and television being his outlets to the world. No smoking, no drinking, no crime, nothing that the general view of would be exciting. He went to school, did the work, got his grades, went home to spend his free time inside his parent's home.... i imagine you can understand the situation.

>Is the character a super interesting person limited by adversive circumstances? Or does the character limit him/herself by starting out with limited insight into how s/he can make different choices to open up possibilities (then you have the beginning of a character growth arc).

The character has been limited by circumstances and whenever a new opportunity arises, he usually shuts it down from feeling uneasy and nervous about it since it is new. The story will quickly have a landmark opportunity for this character that he will take, spiraling him into a world where he takes chances. One of the main themes of this story in the beginning will be taking risks. By the middle of the story the character will be over his cautiousness and have taken plenty of risks so that it has become a normal occurence for him. Taking risks will be a focus early on but my mid story i believe i will have phased any focus on that subject all but out of the story.

>is it man vs man, man vs nature, man vs himself?

The main conflict will be man vs himself. There will be others but the real focus will be on the main character and his inner thoughts and emotions which are conflicting in most of the situations he is put in.

Response to azbikergirl:

>What published books do you really love that you can model from?

I have not read that many books and do not know any that i have read well enough to say. The one i can think of that seemed to dwell heavily on character thoughts, emotion, and inner conflict, was R.A. Salvatore's "The Dark Elf Trilogy". I also remember liking that book because of those. I read that over a year ago so i think i had better dig it back up and take a look through it.

>Every writer has the challenge of introducing backstory in the beginning. Beware the infamous info-dump. Try to find ways to work backstory into the forward movement of the story.

That is something i am working on. I wrote out all the backstory i could think of and have been cutting what i don't think i need at all. The rest i have been deciding where i would be able to fit it into place within the story in the form of the main character thinking back to it as a result of something happening to him which has relevance to that part of the backstory.

Also, thank you for the comments on copyright and the link. I will check it out when i have some time later today. I was planning on posting chapters as i had them written for advice and critique until i really felt more comfortable with my writing, knowing i was going in the right direction. Since this is my first attempt at writing a story out of high school, i am feeling very lost since my biggest paper in school was 15 pages. I got a bad grade because i butchered it from rewriting, unable to decide what topic i wanted for it. In the end it was very incomplete and time was up. I had 7 unfinished topics for that paper. Thankfully, i know what i want this story to be and will not be repeating my senior paper.

Repsonse to Jamesaritchie:

>Descript is generally tell. Emotion, however, should be shown. You don't describe emotions, you show them through behaviour and action.

Alot of the emotion will be shown from the character analyzing his emotions through his self evaluations. His mind is at war with itself and to help the situation, also at war with his emotions. He is always judging himself, imagining what people think of him physically and his intellect. When emotions appear, he is always second guessing them, thinking that they are wrong and that his mind is right.

I hope my responses made some sense. I am very confused myself about what i am writing and what this story really is. I see it all in my mind but making it understandable in words gets difficult.

[maestrowork]

I do that all the time: insert my descriptions right in the story, and tie them close to the character's emotions. And I'm not talking about pathetic fallacies (no "the rain wept for me").

The descriptions should be part of the story. One good way to insert descriptions is when the characters are in motion, and they have time to observe. Look at the setting through your character's eyes, and find a specific emotional thread and hang on to it, to explore that while you describe the setting. It works very well when you're working with 3rd limited or 1st person POV. We all filter what we see and hear with what we're feeling at the moment.

For example, in my WIP, I first explore my character's emotions (fear? concern?) then I use that to describe (and foreshadow) the setting as the character moves through and observes. I think this technique is effective -- it gives the description some context and emotional weight, yet not bogs the story down...




As the rifle clattered against his back, Kai was besieged by a sudden fear of mortality. His. Aziz’s. His mother’s.

He tightened his hold and rested his head on Aziz’s back.

He opened his eyes. The thick walls of forest passed them like staggered soldiers, sweating in the dust and humidity and saluting them with solemn nods. The sky was thick with cumulus streaked with generous strokes of orange-cream. Autumn was finally fading. Still the rain would come.

The sun had barely set as the motorcycle bore left and turned a corner, passing two stone gates. Beyond that, farms stretched out in all directions, wide fields spreading against the indigo sky. Rubber trees, groves upon groves lining the endless expanse, dithered in the heat rising from the ground. At the end of the long road flanked by two rows of palms sat the family estate. Small at a distance. But as Aziz and Kai approached, it grew to a battleship of a house, painted in muted crimson. Its beryline tiled roof shimmered in the magic hour. The woodcarvings and wall sculptures of dragons and phoenixes glared in silence.

[Jamesaritchie]

[QUOTE=Live Life]
Repsonse to Jamesaritchie:

>Descript is generally tell. Emotion, however, should be shown. You don't describe emotions, you show them through behaviour and action.

Alot of the emotion will be shown from the character analyzing his emotions through his self evaluations. His mind is at war with itself and to help the situation, also at war with his emotions. He is always judging himself, imagining what people think of him physically and his intellect. When emotions appear, he is always second guessing them, thinking that they are wrong and that his mind is right.

QUOTE]

Emotion can sometimes be handled this way, but it can be overdone in a hurry. Even in these conditions, showing is usually better than telling. Where emotion is concerned, telling is seldom effective. When you tell the read how the character feels, you're in trouble. Show how he feels thorugh what he says, and how he says it. Show it through body language. The step backward, the trembling hand, the hesitation, the dry mouth, etc.

[Live Life]

Response to Jamesaritchie:

Thank you for that. It got me really thinking about one of the sections in the second or third chapter. I have managed to re-write in a very good way, i think, based on what you suggested. While reading that response you gave i actually thought of the section before i was even done reading your comment.

Repsonse to maestrowork:

Reading that example got me thinking about something else i had set aside for asking later but i figure since my mind is on it again now, i might as well ask for some opinions. I am writing my story to be read by a person who may enjoy and occasional book, or may not have picked up a book in the past 5 years. This story i am attempting to write will have a main character who is not a scholar. He is just a 20 year old American who got his HS diploma and would be able to do well at understanding a normal newspaper article. I am planning to write my story using little more words than a person like that would know. That is the type of audience that i think this story will attract when it is completed so i want a person like that to be able to read through it without picking up a dictionary too frequently. My question really is this:

When writing for a target audience and considering their average comprehension of the English language (reading level i guess), how difficult in comparison would a writer want the story to be to read by that audience? Does writing at a slightly higher level increase interest or deter that audience from the story? Can writing at a certain level comparative to their average read spur their intellect to work for the story or leave them skimming, losing focus on the actual story?

Thanks again for the responses. The input is much appreciated and it has gotten my mind working to the point that i now have a headache. Whether that is from this weather or really from the responses is undetermined at the moment and i have no plans to try and find out for sure because my head really does hurt. Keep the input coming, it is helping me write more than i normally do because of all the ideas.

[maestrowork]

I am writing my story to be read by a person who may enjoy and occasional book, or may not have picked up a book in the past 5 years.
I guess my question is: why? OK, so your main character might be a 20yo with hardly a HS diploma who doesn't like to read. But surely, you want to sell your books to people who like to read, or at least would buy your book in the first place. ;) [for example, Forrest Gump was written from the POV of view of, well, Forrest Gump who isn't very bright. But the book is hardly juvenile at all]

There are books written for every reading level: children, teenagers, YA, adults... even at the adult levels, there are books that aim at the college-and-above level or the "common folks." You have to understand what your target audience is and why they would pick up a book and read. Many literary works are written at a 8-12th grade reader level, hardly difficult for anyone with a HS diploma to comprehend, I think. I think it has more to do with the story/theme than the writing style. Just my opinion.

But I do think that if you write something that is COMPLETELY out of your target audience's league, then yeah, they wouldn't buy your book, let alone read it from cover to cover. But if you keep the level relatively close to your target, then I think it's okay.

[hpoppink]

I have more than a HS diploma, but ...

Personally I enjoy reading books that increase my vocabulary, where I have to reach for the dictionary now and then. I feel like the book is affecting my life on multiple levels that way.

OTOH, does having this element lead directly to a good experience reading that book? Not really. The story and prose have to be effective first; learning new words is just one of those happy surprises.

[moblues]

Hi maestrowork. I'm the pain in the neck that asked you to remove two threads from 'Other' in SYW earlier this month. Sorry about that.

On another note, you posted something in UJ's thread around the same time in a subheading that had hit very close to home. It was about overwriting. I.E. writing something florid that had no purpose. I whacked it. Thanks.


Anyway, this is where I may be able to return the favor:



"The sky was thick with cumulus streaked with generous strokes of orange-cream."



Cumulus might be too jagged, or rough, if that makes any sense. It seems too spare. Most readers from my area probably have a pretty good understanding of cumulus clouds. That may be because we're from the midwest. We get a lot of storms and other fun stuff here. But the question is: are you certain that you're audience will pick up on this?

I've sampled your work at your website. You definately know what you're doing.

Pease don't be offended if I suggest a possible alternative such as:

"The sky was thick with clouds filled with generous strokes of what looked like orange-cream cotton candy."




I'm still finding my way. I thought that this might be a solid contribution. I mean well, at least.


Mike

[Live Life]

Response to maestrowork:

>I guess my question is: why?

Why am i targeting that audience that may not read a book for pleasure very often or hardly at all? After being in 4 years of highschool and out of it around the type of people who are my target, it has become fairly obvious that these people are not prone to read for fun. They much prefer doing something else with their free time. So why would i want to target that group when i know that the average person in that group will not be likely to read my book? Simply, that is who would benefit the most from the story. I want that person to be able to pick up the book and enjoy it since they usually wouldn't pick up the book. I am not saying that someone who isn't in that target audience would not enjoy the story. It is just that this story is what it is. I am not going to change it to fit a different audience's tastes. I really fif not choose the target audience, the story i am writing did. When i started i did not even think about who would be reading it, i was just writing the story in my head. Now that i know what the story is and am putting it on to paper, i am thinking of these things that i need cleared up to get the story written the right way. I am not looking for sales from my story, i am looking for a person who could benefit from the story. If that means writing for an audience that does not read books frequently for enjoyment and is prone to do other things instead, i am happy with that. I am just wondering at this point how far i can go into vocabulary past what a target reader would know without killing the story for them. It will be something i will just have to work out. Perhaps i will write a couple chapters at a few different levels and have some of my target audience read each and comment on what they feel about each one.

Response to hpoppink:

>Personally I enjoy reading books that increase my vocabulary, where I have to reach for the dictionary now and then. I feel like the book is affecting my life on multiple levels that way.

That is definitely something i had been wondering and am fighting with myself over. Making a reader look harder at a word and think about it, even pick up that dictionary and get a definition i think may have some value to it in the way you said it. It can give the person a feeling of being changed even more by the book because it challenges them mentally. On that other hand it also could lead to them putting the book down before getting to the parts i really want them to experience. I think that you said it well with, "learning new words is just one of those happy surprises." I just don't want that suprise to be an unhappy one. Given my target audience, that is something i am really not sure of. Perhaps i will check out a few different sites where a person of that type would be and run a poll, ask around a little to find out whether they enjoy or get annoyed with books that they cannot fully understand without doing a little looking through a dictionary.

[Jamesaritchie]

Response to maestrowork:

>I guess my question is: why?

Why am i targeting that audience that may not read a book for pleasure very often or hardly at all? After being in 4 years of highschool and out of it around the type of people who are my target, it has become fairly obvious that these people are not prone to read for fun. They much prefer doing something else with their free time. So why would i want to target that group when i know that the average person in that group will not be likely to read my book? Simply, that is who would benefit the most from the story. I want that person to be able to pick up the book and enjoy it since they usually wouldn't pick up the book. I am not saying that someone who isn't in that target audience would not enjoy the story. It is just that this story is what it is. I am not going to change it to fit a different audience's tastes. I really fif not choose the target audience, the story i am writing did. When i started i did not even think about who would be reading it, i was just writing the story in my head. Now that i know what the story is and am putting it on to paper, i am thinking of these things that i need cleared up to get the story written the right way. I am not looking for sales from my story, i am looking for a person who could benefit from the story. If that means writing for an audience that does not read books frequently for enjoyment and is prone to do other things instead, i am happy with that. I am just wondering at this point how far i can go into vocabulary past what a target reader would know without killing the story for them. It will be something i will just have to work out. Perhaps i will write a couple chapters at a few different levels and have some of my target audience read each and comment on what they feel about each one.

Response to hpoppink:

>Personally I enjoy reading books that increase my vocabulary, where I have to reach for the dictionary now and then. I feel like the book is affecting my life on multiple levels that way.

That is definitely something i had been wondering and am fighting with myself over. Making a reader look harder at a word and think about it, even pick up that dictionary and get a definition i think may have some value to it in the way you said it. It can give the person a feeling of being changed even more by the book because it challenges them mentally. On that other hand it also could lead to them putting the book down before getting to the parts i really want them to experience. I think that you said it well with, "learning new words is just one of those happy surprises." I just don't want that suprise to be an unhappy one. Given my target audience, that is something i am really not sure of. Perhaps i will check out a few different sites where a person of that type would be and run a poll, ask around a little to find out whether they enjoy or get annoyed with books that they cannot fully understand without doing a little looking through a dictionary.

Books are going to sell to people who are readers, not to people who aren't. If the publisher thinks the reading audience for a book is too small, they won't buy the book.

Just because you have a protagonist who's a high school dropout, and just because you write simply, doesn't mean the kind of people you write about will be the people who buy your book. The buyers will be people who want to read about such people.

As for language used, I tend to agree with Mark Twain. . .never write "metropolis" when "city" will do.

Most people don't like running to the dictionary every few pages, and sticking a ten dollar word in the middle of a two dollar sentence generally just calls attention to the writer.

Just tell the best story you can tell, and use the best word for the job, which is usually the simplest word that works, no matter who the audience is.

[hpoppink]

Most people don't like running to the dictionary every few pages, and sticking a ten dollar word in the middle of a two dollar sentence generally just calls attention to the writer.

Good clarification. Overuse of obscure vocabulary is a real danger; I have a friend who does this in conversation, and he comes across as though he's flaunting his own intelligence rather than focusing on having a meaningful conversation.

At the same time, I wouldn't recommend that you shy away from using a word merely because you think some in your audience would have to grab a dictionary to understand it. If that word is the perfect word, well then, it's the perfect word.