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View Full Version : How to write a fart (no, really!)


Pepper Jay
06-25-2009, 09:24 AM
Yeah, yeah... :D
I know this is silly but I'm having a hard time coming up with a way to write out the sound of a fart.

The fart comes from a bulldog and I want it loud and strong. I think it would be more powerful if it had a sound rather than explaining it.

Any ideas?

Thanks!

dgrintalis
06-25-2009, 09:32 AM
Blrrrrrrrrrrrrrt?

I think that's the first fart I've ever written.

LOG
06-25-2009, 09:34 AM
You could just narrate that the bulldog farted, although if you use the word 'powerfully' as an adjective I'm going to start snickering.

C.bronco
06-25-2009, 09:43 AM
It depends on the type:
Silent but deadly: poohft
Loud, yet non-smelly: PLBBBBBBGH!
Quick and excusable: bort!
Otherwise, blame it on the dog.

maestrowork
06-25-2009, 09:51 AM
"The bulldog farted, loud and strong, like a trombone on a 1000 Watt amp with a side order fried eggs and two-day-old bacon."

Any question?

Srsly, writing out sounds is silly. Unless you're writing comic books.

Renee Collins
06-25-2009, 10:22 AM
"The bulldog farted, loud and strong, like a trombone on a 1000 Watt amp with a side order fried eggs and two-day-old bacon."

:roll:

Cybernaught
06-25-2009, 10:32 AM
I must be eight years old, because this thread title made me crack up.

Chumplet
06-25-2009, 11:07 AM
Personally, I like question mark farts. They start low, then twip upward toward the end. I guess it would sound like brrreeep? Dogs, however, let out sneaky hissy farts. It's easier to blame the stink on them.

bettielee
06-25-2009, 11:10 AM
"He farted."

Dorian W. Gray
06-25-2009, 11:19 AM
Have you read (suffered through) any books by Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'reilly, or Anne Coulter? If not, I would suggest that you suffer through them - suffer at least a chapter of each. Not only, you will learn how how to write a fart, you will learn how to write about different variations of the fart. Some variations were beautifuly spelled out by C. bronco, and others, above.

Gak

Don't look at me, it wasn't me!

Pepper
06-25-2009, 11:28 AM
My uncle had a rottie who let one rip next to me. BWOP.

But seriously, I second what maestrowork said. On the (extremely) rare occassion I've read sound effects in a novel, it's always jumped off the page and given me the giggles.

poetinahat
06-25-2009, 11:57 AM
We had a bulldog - he was an SBD dog. He'd sneak it out, glare at one of us, then leave the room in a huff... leaving a hefty huff behind.

dpaterso
06-25-2009, 12:31 PM
PhrrrreeEEEEP! The unexpected sound made Bob and his mother look at Marcy. Without acknowledging their stares, Marcy picked up another Brussels sprout with her fork and popped it into her mouth.

-Derek

seun
06-25-2009, 06:45 PM
My cats have been known to fart, then leave the room. Which doesn't answer the question, but I felt like sharing.

Admiral Snuggles
06-25-2009, 07:32 PM
This is one of those things I LOVE to have the opportunity to write. So I would do the following:

Write out like 18 funny ways for this dog to fart and pick the best one.

Or, nondescriptly inform your friends and steal their ideas.

scarletpeaches
06-25-2009, 07:37 PM
Onomatopoeia = bad.

poetinahat
06-25-2009, 07:46 PM
Onomatopoeia = bad.
Wha... even Johnny Fartpants (there's always a commotion going on inside his trousers)?

/disillusioned/

You're... you're right, of course, Miss Scarlet.

maestrowork
06-25-2009, 07:59 PM
She can spell onomatopoeia. I'm in :heart:

poetinahat
06-25-2009, 08:05 PM
She can spell onomatopoeia. I'm in :heart:
True, man. That is soooo hot.

scarletpeaches
06-25-2009, 08:11 PM
She can spell onomatopoeia. I'm in :heart:

True, man. That is soooo hot.

I could say something to you two guys that would get me banned, but it would so be worth it.

It's related to a conversation I had with Lori on MSN, so you do the math.

donroc
06-25-2009, 08:13 PM
Read Twain's 1601 for soaring Shakespearian descriptions.

thethinker42
06-25-2009, 08:15 PM
I could say something to you two guys that would get me banned, but it would so be worth it.

It's related to a conversation I had with Lori on MSN, so you do the math.

Why do I always get dragged into this? Yeesh, now people are going to start speculating (probably correctly) about the things we talk about.

poetinahat
06-25-2009, 08:15 PM
*ahem*

Sooo, back to the OP. I like Derek's approach, and maybe metaphors are another way of creating the, er, atmosphere?

thethinker42
06-25-2009, 08:17 PM
My cats have been known to fart, then leave the room. Which doesn't answer the question, but I felt like sharing.

Mine will get in your lap, look you in the eye, cut one (audibly), and leave.

Damned cat...

scarletpeaches
06-25-2009, 08:22 PM
DESCRIBE the fart, don't spell it out.

Make me inhale the methane. Present me with a page whiffing of sulphur, rotten eggs, decomposing rodent-flesh, the hum of flies, the moist wriggling of maggots in a three-day corpse...

Y'dig?

Tallent
06-25-2009, 08:31 PM
Flrrrrrrrpt...ptptpt...flrtttt

CaroGirl
06-25-2009, 08:35 PM
Well, if it's humour you're going for, I'm kinda partial to BLORT. The problem with inventing onomatopoeic words is they're funny, often times unintentionally. If you're trying to be funny, though, BLORT could work.

Team 2012
06-25-2009, 08:45 PM
Both sound effects and in-depth hystrionic decription seem like a hard way to go on this.

Why not just figure out a couple of perfect adjectives and/or verbs and just WRITE the thing?

"They were still thinking it over when Cruncher rolled over, wagged his stub and detonated an eye-water fart."

Sort of thing

RJK
06-25-2009, 08:53 PM
There are several types. first you have the silent but deadly, The infamous SBD - Ffffffffffffffffffffffftt

Then there's the silent that turns out to be a miststake - Ffffffffffffffssssbbsbbsbbbsbsbt

Then there's the grandfather fart - BraaaaaaaaAAApt

I tried these on YRead - they sound terrible.

donroc
06-25-2009, 09:28 PM
A Richter-scale 6.8 fart?

NeuroFizz
06-25-2009, 09:51 PM
I miss Scratch-n-Sniff books.

shawkins
06-25-2009, 10:19 PM
Bah-ROOO!

"What was that? Are we under attack?"

"No, it's just Winston. I left a plate of kimchee and eggs sitting out and the sneak ate it while I was on the phone." She paused. "I don't think it agrees with his widdle tum-tum, tho."

Winston sniffed the air, then turned to regard his hindquarters with an expression of faint betrayal.

"Christ," said Tom, "The smell! It's burning my skin! I think I'm going blind!"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic. It's not that bad."

"Not that bad?!? Can you not smell that?"

"Actually no. I don't have a sense of smell. It's a congenital thing. Have you ever noticed that there's no word for your nose not working? Blind, deaf, but nothing for the nose. Why is that, do you think?"

Tom clawed the window open and hung his head outside, gasping. On the branch outside the window a squirrel froze for a moment, then scrabbled frantically at his muzzle with tiny paws. After a moment the little animal wobbled, his balance failing, and fell twenty feet to the ground. Tom wasn't sure, but he thought the squirrel's fur might have been smoking faintly. A moment later the songbirds in the garden went silent.

"Maybe I should give him some Milk of Magnesia," she said.

Wark
06-25-2009, 10:50 PM
The dog raised his hind quarters and the baritone voice of his anus asked a question. Though I did not speak it aloud, my answer was 'no.'

Esquart
06-26-2009, 02:21 AM
Bhpphphphrrrtht ?

ylrebmik
06-26-2009, 02:36 AM
I agree with the others- describe it.

I laughed too hard at everyone's suggestions to take the next few paragraphs you'd write seriously.

Millicent M'Lady
06-26-2009, 02:45 AM
Bah-ROOO!


"Actually no. I don't have a sense of smell. It's a congenital thing. Have you ever noticed that there's no word for your nose not working? Blind, deaf, but nothing for the nose. Why is that, do you think?"


There is! It's anosmia! I like it cos it's got the word nose (well almost!) right in the word.:D

Pepper
06-26-2009, 05:30 AM
Bah-ROOO!

"What was that? Are we under attack?"

"No, it's just Winston. I left a plate of kimchee and eggs sitting out and the sneak ate it while I was on the phone." She paused. "I don't think it agrees with his widdle tum-tum, tho."

Winston sniffed the air, then turned to regard his hindquarters with an expression of faint betrayal.

"Christ," said Tom, "The smell! It's burning my skin! I think I'm going blind!"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic. It's not that bad."

"Not that bad?!? Can you not smell that?"

"Actually no. I don't have a sense of smell. It's a congenital thing. Have you ever noticed that there's no word for your nose not working? Blind, deaf, but nothing for the nose. Why is that, do you think?"

Tom clawed the window open and hung his head outside, gasping. On the branch outside the window a squirrel froze for a moment, then scrabbled frantically at his muzzle with tiny paws. After a moment the little animal wobbled, his balance failing, and fell twenty feet to the ground. Tom wasn't sure, but he thought the squirrel's fur might have been smoking faintly. A moment later the songbirds in the garden went silent.

"Maybe I should give him some Milk of Magnesia," she said.

The dog raised his hind quarters and the baritone voice of his anus asked a question. Though I did not speak it aloud, my answer was 'no.'

Please guys! I have a sore throat and you're making me laugh. EVIL!
:P

peachiemkey
06-26-2009, 06:02 AM
In tight pants -> ffpP.

I have anosmia. :)

shawkins
06-26-2009, 06:10 AM
I had no idea there was a word for that. Is there any way to get it intentionally? I have five dogs.

donroc
06-26-2009, 06:14 AM
Childhood joke.

What is the difference between a cocktail lounge and an elephants fart?
One is a bar room, and the other is a barrrooooooom!

shawkins
06-26-2009, 06:27 AM
I went back and forth about posting this. It follows the drift of the conversation and has a funny side, but it's not un-horrible. You've been warned.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ske8AG5q74

Matera the Mad
06-26-2009, 08:26 AM
FRAPPPPP!

I could spell onomatopoea when I was a youngun. Those were the days.

Canotila
06-27-2009, 03:02 AM
Any time one of my dogs fart and it makes an audible noise, they stare at their bottoms with an alarmed look.

The worst are the swamp bottom farts. They burn my eyes.

Pepper Jay
06-27-2009, 05:33 AM
Well just to clear the air, I did not write (no, really!) in my subject heading. Iím a newbie so I donít know if thatís normal.

Anyway, I knew this post would get some chuckles and fun responses.
I think Iím going to use a loud Poohft!


Thanks guys!

Eldritch
06-27-2009, 05:48 AM
Any time one of my dogs fart and it makes an audible noise, they stare at their bottoms with an alarmed look.

The worst are the swamp bottom farts. They burn my eyes.


:ROFL:

Love this thread.

mlazzer
06-27-2009, 03:06 PM
I think writing the sounds of noises is silly in the first place. Even in comics/graphic novels I dislike it. Ever heard a real helicopter and then read the sound it makes in comics?

dpaterso
06-27-2009, 03:55 PM
...And yet a corny sound effect might well suit a humor piece, depending on timing and placement.

Yeah, helicopters, what's with that WHUP WHUP WHUP, throws me right out of the comic every time! :)

-Derek

Wark
06-28-2009, 09:08 AM
Her head jerked around at the sound. The pressure in the room increased making Betty's ears pop. Her eyes widened. The smell had reached her. Tucky, her basset hound, had passed gas.

NeuroFizz
06-28-2009, 07:42 PM
Here's my question. We can have characters cough, sneeze, or burp. And we can figure out ways to spell each of these noises (e.g. "Achoo" for sneeze). But how many times do we actually write these as "Bart belch-bellowed" (...or sneezed, or coughed) versus spelling out the sounds? In all of my writing I've had people do these things, but alway in the former way (not with spelled-out sounds). Why should a fart be different.

Another slant of personal opinion--if you have to include an unbroken sequence of like or alternating consonants to try to convey a bodily function as a sound, maybe it's better to just go the "a baritone fart rattled the china cabinet" route.

dawinsor
06-28-2009, 07:53 PM
I'm a very repressed person, but one time in my car, I was howling and pounding the steering wheel because I was laughing so hard at the fart jokes in one of Eoin Colfer's Artemis Fowl stories that I had on audio book. They're MG, but I recommend them. Go to the library and get them on CD. You won't be sorry.

thethinker42
06-28-2009, 08:05 PM
Here's my question. We can have characters cough, sneeze, or burp. And we can figure out ways to spell each of these noises (e.g. "Achoo" for sneeze). But how many times do we actually write these as "Bart belch-bellowed" (...or sneezed, or coughed) versus spelling out the sounds? In all of my writing I've had people do these things, but alway in the former way (not with spelled-out sounds). Why should a fart be different.

Another slant of personal opinion--if you have to include an unbroken sequence of like or alternating consonants to try to convey a bodily function as a sound, maybe it's better to just go the "a baritone fart rattled the china cabinet" route.

I would hereby like to take this opportunity to bow down to NeuroFizz's insanely admirable ability to work the phrase "a baritone fart rattled the china cabinet" into an otherwise serious post.

I shall also take this opportunity to remind myself to never...never...NEVER again drink anything while reading one of NeuroFizz's posts...

*sends Fizz a bill for laptop screen*

unicornjam
06-28-2009, 09:57 PM
I'm surprised no one has asked you if this fart is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to the plot. :P

KTC
06-28-2009, 10:01 PM
I'm surprised no one has asked you if this fart is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to the plot. :P

That's exactly what I was thinking when I saw the thread title. I'm betting dollars to donuts that Ms. Havisham let several phenomenal ones go in her lifetime. I bet Gatsby himself rattled a few rattan chairs in his lifetime. I'm even guessing that the great Ahab shook a few boats off kilter with some whales of escaped air...but who fucking cares. I can't see why it would have to be mentioned. I'm gonna have to read the whole thread to see if this has been brought up.

KTC
06-28-2009, 10:02 PM
Onomatopoeia = bad.

Yes. I agree.


He farted.

dpaterso
06-28-2009, 11:16 PM
I'm surprised no one has asked you if this fart is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to the plot. :P
Every line I write gets passed through this subroutine, so I'm afraid I didn't ask this obvious question, but instead answered the OP's posted question.

And without passing my reply through KTC's potty mouth subroutine, too!

-Derek

Kurtz
06-29-2009, 01:10 AM
The infamous Ulysses pooping chapter is essential to the story, and written in a way more beautiful than any description of any garden.

But unless your James Joyce, I would steer clear of this for risk of A) sounding like a 12 year old B) sounding like someone pretending to be Joyce or C) sounding like a 12 year old pretending to be Joyce

ccv707
06-29-2009, 02:16 AM
Why write it out? Unless the sound itself has something to do with what you're trying to get across, or if it's simply for comedic effect, I don't see a reason to.

madderblue
06-29-2009, 12:32 PM
Times like these I love the Japanese language, rich in onomatopoeia. For that there word they write things like: Bu--, pu--, buri buri, su--, hyuu--, etc. etc.