Contrived?

[Sweetleaf]

I have a dilemma.

I am doing the 357th rewrite of the first chapter of my manuscript (the rest of the book is fine, by the way), and I just cannot get this right. I need to get my lead protagonist from a tunnel to an election hall in order for him to get some vital information for the story to actually begin, but I just can't get it to work. I've had the tunnel come out in the election hall basement, but that just comes across as too contrived. Problem is he's twelve, and has no good reason to be at the election. I've evenm written the entire election thing out and had him get the info another way, but that was even worse.

It feels like no matter what I do, I can't get it any better than it was originally, but the original version was too slow and about twice as long as it needed to be. All my shortening attempts have been miserable failures.

The original version was that he got dragged along by his parents as there is a post-election celebration in the town square afterwards, which worked, but was slow.

I could have him come out of the tunnel somewhere obscure and then run into his parents by accident, but that seems too convenient too.


Does anyone have any ideas how to not make this contrived and generally lame?

[alleycat]

I think I understand, but let me ask to be sure. You want him to get to the election hall to get the information, but he isn't actively trying to get there himself?

And, by the way, what's he doing in the tunnel?

[Sweetleaf]

He has no good reason to get to the election at all, but I can't think of why he would need to. To get to his parents for some reason? Maybe he could run away from someone, and try and hide in the crowd...

He's in a tunnel because he got locked in a warehouse and it was the only way out. Can't really explain further without putting down the whole thing. Could just post it in SYW I suppose...

[alleycat]

Then maybe . . .

He gets out of the tunnel. He sees a crowd up the street going into the election hall. He remember his dad or Uncle Bob was suppose to be there tonight. He runs to the hall.

He gets out of the tunnel. He's been trapped for some time and he's hungry. He smells food. It's coming from the election hall up the street. He goes to the hall.

He gets out of the tunnel. He sees a crowd at the election hall. There's is safety in numbers he thinks, and there's probably a policeman around. He runs to the hall.

He gets out of the tunnel. His eyes haven't adjusted to the light after being stuck in the dark warehouse and tunnel. He's stumbling about. The boy is a mess. A guy on the way to the election hall runs into the boy; he insist on taking the boy to the hall in order to call his parents. [I kind of like this one because it also provide an opening for the boy to get the information; perhaps the man has some connection to the information, or the people the man introduces the boy to do.]

He gets out of the tunnel. There's people on their way to the election hall. They are all talking and laughing. The boy is still frightened. He's pushed along with the crowd.

[Sweetleaf]

you rock alleycat.

It helps hearing things from someone else, I think it's just the different voice.

You have totally solved my problem, I know exactly what I'll do now - steal one of your ideas. :Hail:

[KosseMix]

Is the tunnel part necessary? What's the information?

He could be doing a sort of young person's internship. If he's interested in politics, Dad might have insisted he be a notekeeper for a local politician at the election. Builds character and experience.

Not sure if he's that type of person, though.

[C.J. Rockwell]

I have a dilemma.

I am doing the 357th rewrite of the first chapter of my manuscript (the rest of the book is fine, by the way), and I just cannot get this right. I need to get my lead protagonist from a tunnel to an election hall in order for him to get some vital information for the story to actually begin, but I just can't get it to work. I've had the tunnel come out in the election hall basement, but that just comes across as too contrived. Problem is he's twelve, and has no good reason to be at the election. I've evenm written the entire election thing out and had him get the info another way, but that was even worse.

It feels like no matter what I do, I can't get it any better than it was originally, but the original version was too slow and about twice as long as it needed to be. All my shortening attempts have been miserable failures.

The original version was that he got dragged along by his parents as there is a post-election celebration in the town square afterwards, which worked, but was slow.

I could have him come out of the tunnel somewhere obscure and then run into his parents by accident, but that seems too convenient too.


Does anyone have any ideas how to not make this contrived and generally lame?

I don't have a suggestion to help you, but I wanted you to know that I know how you feel.

I feel like my novel Gabriel is stuck in revision limbo.

Remember. you're not alone in your struggles.

[morningsong]

Is it possible that he would duck in to use the restroom?

[brittanimae]

If something seems excessively contrived, that's okay, just notice it. Say "How was it possible that in the entire city, with 10 bazillion buildings, he should come out here, in the election hall?" It is fiction after all--there's a reason for everything. Plus, kids are an easier sell than adults. ;)

[C.J. Rockwell]

It is fiction after all--there's a reason for everything. Plus, kids are an easier sell than adults. ;)

Are you really sure about that, brit?:poke:


I'm certain there are some younger readers out there who can be pretty discerning about what they read.

For lack of other examples, the rabid lovers of Harry Potter and Twilight can be quite critical, not just about those particular books, but other things they read, either in the same vein, or by individual interest.

If that is true, then it makes me wonder how kids would judge a good book if they ran an agency or publishing house (To put my daydream in perspective, I'm thinking of kids who are 8-12, and a mixture of kids who are good readers, with those who struggle with it).

Or do you mean it in a reverse psychology way where if we can survive the "adults" who seem to want everything in your story to be heavily detailed and explained for context, the kids will take a chance on our stories without needing to explain everything on page one, or in the first chapter?

Is there room anymore for a little lasp in logic in today's fiction?

For me, I was never the kind of reader that wanted everything about a given story, it's world, and characters to explained down to the last detail.

That's as true now as it was when I was a kid. As long as it's clearly written, and I like where the story's going, I'll stick with it without wanting to work out the logistics of every little thing, at least right at the start.

Since I've been wrting fiction, I've been amazed how many writers are like that.

Maybe I'm just a more naieve reader in that regard, unless it's something I have some serious experience in, (I.E. Living with a mentally ill family member).

[brittanimae]

Thoughtful post CJ--you're good at those. I'm thinking more in terms of how a child's world differs from an adult's.

The younger the child, the more they experience the world in terms of expectations. So much of parenting is about teaching: if you spill the milk, you clean it up, if you leave out your bicycle, it might get stolen. Kids are being trained to see relationships between actions and reactions. Thus, in a work of fiction, I'm not surprised when Aslan shows up in the heat of a battle, or when some Moneypenny gadget turns out to be precisely the thing Bond needs. It's the joy of plotting, really.

Basically I just think we have to go to greater lengths to disguise things/add twists for adults, because they've become accustomed to formulas. They're harder to surprise.