Paragraph ending - suggestions?

[Mumbleduck]

Hi all,

I don't know what the etiquette is regarding starting a whole new thread to ask a question about something that you're writing, but I couldn't seem to find a specific thread for that sort of thing, so I thought I'd bite the bullet and go for it, and will graciously accept instructions if I'm going about this the wrong way.

So, I'm writing a short story at the moment, and have come to the end of the first scene, but for some reason I can't get it right. This guy is late, and trying to make it to work before it rains, and I want to leave him there so I can jump to the next scene and introduce the other character in the story.

Here's what I have as the end of the last paragraph:
"He hung up, looking at the charcoal sky. The rain from earlier had stopped but he could smell it in the air, rich and green. It wouldn’t be stopped for long. He made a noise of annoyance that was half grunt, half moan and set off at a quick jog, praying fiercely for the heavens to stay closed until he made it inside."

I don't know if it's just angst or what, but I don't like it, and I can't think of any other way to put it. Comments, opinions, help?

[zornhau]

Hi all,

I don't know what the etiquette is regarding starting a whole new thread to ask a question about something that you're writing, but I couldn't seem to find a specific thread for that sort of thing, so I thought I'd bite the bullet and go for it, and will graciously accept instructions if I'm going about this the wrong way.

So, I'm writing a short story at the moment, and have come to the end of the first scene, but for some reason I can't get it right. This guy is late, and trying to make it to work before it rains, and I want to leave him there so I can jump to the next scene and introduce the other character in the story.

Here's what I have as the end of the last paragraph:
"He hung up, looking at the charcoal sky. The rain from earlier had stopped but he could smell it in the air, rich and green. It wouldn’t be stopped for long. He made a noise of annoyance that was half grunt, half moan and set off at a quick jog, praying fiercely for the heavens to stay closed until he made it inside."

I don't know if it's just angst or what, but I don't like it, and I can't think of any other way to put it. Comments, opinions, help?


Looks fine to me. Finish the story then edit.

[RJK]

I don't see anything wrong in the way you ended the paragraph.

[Woodsie]

"He hung up, looking at the charcoal sky. The rain from earlier had stopped but the air still smelled rich and green. It wouldn’t be stopped for long. He made a noise of annoyance that was half grunt, half moan. As he started to jog, he prayed for the heavens to stay closed until he made it inside."

I'm just playing around with the sentence structure a bit, maybe it will give you some ideas.

[Mumbleduck]

Thanks, I guess I am just angsty! Though I do like your sentence better, Woodsie. I guess I'll finish the story first, then go back and see how I feel.