Passive Dialog Difficulty

Write4U2 · Aug 11, 2008

Here's my problem, and I truly need help:

Yesterday I searched my manuscript for "was." I was appalled when I realized that a lot of my dialog is passive. Riddled with "was"es. It's gawd-dawful, but when I try to rewrite it in an active voice, it sounds weird, stiff and forced.

Here are several examples:

TV Interview:

“Lizzy and I were students together here at Oxford, actually. Lizzy stopped by to say hello when she and her daughter, Hayley, were here on a recent visit to the university. It was brilliant to see Lizzy and talk over old times. We were such good friends. Mind you, her little girl was thrilled to receive the Rhodes scholarship award.”

Two new friends getting acquainted:

“My music teacher came to the penthouse and taught me piano. He was from the New York Philharmonic, and thought I was worth his time since my parents are patrons, if you know what I mean,” she laughed.

Not dialog, but RIDDLED with fuzzy-wuzzys:

The weather was sunny and dry and the horse clip-clopped around the park along its well-practiced trail. The girls enjoyed the fresh, spring air and the colorful flowers along the tree-lined paths. When the ride was over and it was time to part, Chris didn’t want to leave Hayley. There’s so much to this girl, she thought.

dfallon23 · Aug 11, 2008

Hi Write4U2,

Just because you use "was" in a sentence does not make it passive. Passive voice is when the subject of the sentence is either not there (it's implied) or is ambiguous. For instance:
"The weather was sunny and dry and the horse clip-clopped around the park along its well-practiced trail."
This is active voice. The subject is "weather".

Looking for "was" in a sentence is a good start, but you have to check each sentence to make sure there is a Subject-Verb combination.

Here's a passive voice sentence.

"The ball was thrown".

Passive voice sentences you can always look at and ask the question "By whom?"

Dave

Write4U2 · Aug 11, 2008

dfallon23 said:
Hi Write4U2,

Just because you use "was" in a sentence does not make it passive. Passive voice is when the subject of the sentence is either not there (it's implied) or is ambiguous. For instance:
"The weather was sunny and dry and the horse clip-clopped around the park along its well-practiced trail."
This is active voice. The subject is "weather".

Looking for "was" in a sentence is a good start, but you have to check each sentence to make sure there is a Subject-Verb combination.

Here's a passive voice sentence.

"The ball was thrown".

Passive voice sentences you can always look at and ask the question "By whom?"

Dave

Ahh, thank you, Dave. I'll do that. I really didn't know how to proceed and I was befuddled.

JanDarby · Aug 11, 2008

None of the examples of "was" here is passive.

Passive: She was dragged down the street.
Not passive: She was beautiful.

You might want to shorten the pieces of dialogue a bit, though. That would perk things up far more than addressing any lingering passivity issues. For instance, this:

“Lizzy and I were students together here at Oxford, actually. Lizzy stopped by to say hello when she and her daughter, Hayley, were here on a recent visit to the university. It was brilliant to see Lizzy and talk over old times. We were such good friends. Mind you, her little girl was thrilled to receive the Rhodes scholarship award.”

becomes:

“Lizzy and I were students together here at Oxford, actually," PersonA said.

"Really?" PersonB said. "And you've stayed in touch all this time?"

"I wish we had," PersonA said. "Lizzy contacted me recently when she and her daughter came to visit the university."

"I'm always afraid to get back together with old friends," PersonB said. "It just seems like it would be awkward."

"Not at all," PersonA said. "I thought it was brilliant. We talked over old times and celebrated her little girl's receiving the Rhodes scholarship award.”

Although, then you've got a problem because there's no conflict, just infodump, so perhaps all of this should be cut down to a single comment -- She saw Lizzy briefly when she came to town with her daughter -- or whatever matters in the context of the conflict of the scene. Make sure that whatever you keep in the dialogue pushes the plot forward. Oftentimes, there's information that matters to you, the author, in terms of understanding the character, but doesn't matter to the reader, so it needs to be cut.

Look at the remaining paragraph and think about what matters to the story -- that she lived in a penthouse (do we already know that, does it matter to the story?), that she took piano lessons, that he was a big-time professional, that he was condescending, that she got special treatment because of her parents' money? Pick one of them, deal with it, and cut the rest, or else present it in a separate comment, but make sure it moves the plot forward.

JD

Write4U2 · Aug 11, 2008

JanDarby said:
None of the examples of "was" here is passive.

Passive: She was dragged down the street.
Not passive: She was beautiful.

You might want to shorten the pieces of dialogue a bit, though. That would perk things up far more than addressing any lingering passivity issues. For instance, this:

becomes:

Although, then you've got a problem because there's no conflict, just infodump, so perhaps all of this should be cut down to a single comment -- She saw Lizzy briefly when she came to town with her daughter -- or whatever matters in the context of the conflict of the scene. Make sure that whatever you keep in the dialogue pushes the plot forward. Oftentimes, there's information that matters to you, the author, in terms of understanding the character, but doesn't matter to the reader, so it needs to be cut.

Look at the remaining paragraph and think about what matters to the story -- that she lived in a penthouse (do we already know that, does it matter to the story?), that she took piano lessons, that he was a big-time professional, that he was condescending, that she got special treatment because of her parents' money? Pick one of them, deal with it, and cut the rest, or else present it in a separate comment, but make sure it moves the plot forward.

JD

Thanks, JD, I'll examine the rest of my dialog with your suggestions in mind. This particular dialog is a TV interview, and perhaps I should have said that up front. My bad. “Lizzy and I were students together here at Oxford, actually. Lizzy stopped by to say hello when she and her daughter, Hayley, were here on a recent visit to the university. It was brilliant to see Lizzy and talk over old times. We were such good friends. Mind you, her little girl was thrilled to receive the Rhodes scholarship award.”

Your comments are very helpful.

dpaterso · Aug 11, 2008

Nothing much to add to comments above, I didn't feel these examples were passive tho' sometimes they leaned a tad towards clinical info delivery rather than personal, but that's pretty much a matter of personal taste. Anyways, I was curious enough to see how I'd type these lines (slow afternoon

), and afterwards found I'd shuffled a few words around and made a couple of minor verb substitutions that may have knocked out a "was" or two.

TV Interview:

“Lizzy and I were students together here at Oxford, actually. Lizzy stopped by to say hello when she and her daughter, Hayley, were here on a recent visit to the university. It was brilliant to see Lizzy and talk over old times. We were such good friends. Mind you, her little girl was thrilled to receive the Rhodes scholarship award.”

"Lizzy and I were students together here at Oxford, actually. Recently she stopped by with her daughter to say hello. It was brilliant to talk over old times, we were such good friends. Lizzy told me Hayley was thrilled to receive the Rhodes scholarship."

Two new friends getting acquainted:

“My music teacher came to the penthouse and taught me piano. He was from the New York Philharmonic, and thought I was worth his time since my parents are patrons, if you know what I mean,” she laughed.

"My music teacher played piano with the New York Philharmonic. He'd come to the penthouse to give me lessons. I thought it was worth his time since my parents are patrons, if you know what I mean," she laughed.

Not dialog, but RIDDLED with fuzzy-wuzzys:

The weather was sunny and dry and the horse clip-clopped around the park along its well-practiced trail. The girls enjoyed the fresh, spring air and the colorful flowers along the tree-lined paths. When the ride was over and it was time to part, Chris didn’t want to leave Hayley. There’s so much to this girl, she thought.

The weather stayed sunny and dry as the horse clip-clopped around the park along its familiar trail. The girls enjoyed the fresh spring air and the colorful flowers along the tree-lined paths. When the ride finished Chris didn't want to leave Hayley. There's so much to this girl, she thought.

Feel free to ignore, we're all different.

-Derek

Matera the Mad · Aug 11, 2008

Pats W.4U2 on the head reassuringly
As long as it's the characters was-ing, you're in the clear. We can't be held responsible for what our characters say (drat them!)

Prozyan · Aug 11, 2008

Easy way to remember passive vs. active is the cat and mouse example.

Passive: The mouse was eaten by the cat.

Active: The cat ate the mouse.

In one, the subject is having something done to it, while in the other, the subject is doing something. Passive action vs. active action.

As for the dialogue, one poster recommended to shorten things and that will work. However, if it needs to be lengthy, just remember that the longer a person has to speak the more they will tend to wander. Especially if free-speaking and not using prepared notes. A good exercise is to look at television transcripts of interviews and not how the person responds at length to questions.

Carmy · Aug 14, 2008

Avoid passives in narrative, but how many of us speak perfect English? We know we can, but it often comes out as forced or insincere. Dialogue is one way of showing your character's education or background. Know your characters and how they speak. They shouldn't all sound the same.

Ugawa · Aug 15, 2008

None of that is really passive is it?

XX

Ms Hollands · Aug 15, 2008

Yay! People who understand that a passive voice is not a tense! I have found 'my people'.

Just one thing to add: starting sentences with 'it' is a pet hate of mine: there's often an easier way of writing a sentence, and whenever I hear 'it', I think of the scene out of The Holy Grail with the Knights who say 'Ni'.

eg: 'It was brilliant to see Lizzy and talk over old times'
'Talking about old times with Lizzy was brilliant.'
'I loved talking over the old times with Lizzy'
'Reminiscing with Lizzy always warmed my heart.'

ishtar'sgate · Aug 15, 2008

Write4U2 said:
Here's my problem, and I truly need help:

Yesterday I searched my manuscript for "was." I was appalled when I realized that a lot of my dialog is passive. Riddled with "was"es. It's gawd-dawful, but when I try to rewrite it in an active voice, it sounds weird, stiff and forced.

Here are several examples:

TV Interview:

“Lizzy and I were students together here at Oxford, actually. Lizzy stopped by to say hello when she and her daughter, Hayley, were here on a recent visit to the university. It was brilliant to see Lizzy and talk over old times. We were such good friends. Mind you, her little girl was thrilled to receive the Rhodes scholarship award.”

If the 'was'es bother you, take some of 'em out. Obviously, I don't know your storyline but here's a very rough idea of what you could do.
"Lizzy and I were students together here at Oxford, actually. Lizzy stopped by to say hello when she and her daughter, Hayley, visited the university. So brilliant to see Lizzy and talk over old times. We were such good friends. Mind you, Hayley received the Rhodes scholarship award. What a thrill!"
People don't generally speak in complete sentences, making it easy to shorten up some of them. Just a thought.
Linnea

Joycecwilliams · Aug 15, 2008

Here a great link on passive voice.

Passive Dialog Difficulty

Write4U2

dfallon23

Write4U2

JanDarby

Write4U2

dpaterso

Also in our Discord and IRC chat channels

Matera the Mad

Bartender, gimme a Linux Mint

Prozyan

Are you one, Herbert?

Carmy

Ugawa

It's a catastrophic success!

Ms Hollands

Cow lover

ishtar'sgate

living in the past

Joycecwilliams