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Liam Jackson
05-22-2008, 12:23 PM
I received the following from a friend in British Columbia this morning. I think the piece was written by John Cleese. Aforementioned friend thought it was funny as hell. I politely agreed, then invited him to kiss my crumpets.
--------------------------------------------------------
Some English humour

** Important, please read thoroughly! **

To the citizens of the United
States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II



In light of your failure in
recent years to nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister will appoint a Governor of America eliminating
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)


1. Then look up aluminium,
and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour",
"labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn
to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced
by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up "vocabulary").

------------------------

3. Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. There is no
such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take into account the
reinstated letter "u" and the elimination
of -ize.



------------------


4. You will learn to resolve
personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you're not quite ready
to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not ready to shoot grouse.



----------------------



5. Therefore, you will no longer
be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous
than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will
be required if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.



----------------------



6. All intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of
humour.



--------------------


7. The Former USA will adopt UK
prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to
it.



-------------------



8. You will learn to make real
chips. Those things you call French fries are not
real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real
chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.



-------------------



9. The cold tasteless stuff you
insist on calling beer is not actually beer at
all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as beer, and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to
as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable
as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting
Nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American
brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.



---------------------


10. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching
Gywneth Paltrow attempt English dialogue in Shakespeare in Love was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed with
a cheese grater.



---------------------


11. You will cease playing
American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try
Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash
you, like they regularly thrash us.



---------------------



12. Further, you will stop
playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is
not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of
you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South
Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.



--------------------

13. You must tell us who killed
JFK. It's been driving us mad.



-----------------


14. An internal revenue agent
(i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all monies due (backdated to 1776).



---------------


15. Daily Tea Time begins
promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits
(cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with
cream) when in season.



God Save the Queen!


PS: Go ahead and share this with
your friends in the USA (those with a good sense
of humour.)

HeronW
05-22-2008, 12:36 PM
#9>American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine

Works for me. Any beer you can see through doesn't deserve the name. *Guinness fan*

ps: It would be funnier if it wasn't so true... :}

dpaterso
05-22-2008, 01:12 PM
Ah, you had me going there, I thought this was a real communiqué from Buck Palace (it's certainly plausible enough) until I stumbled across:

Real
chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

What the deuce is "catsup"? My spies inform me it may be a variation of "ketchup" but that seems rather unlikely given the feline connotation.

You're welcome to rejoin the British Empire any time you like, you know.

-Derek

Bmwhtly
05-22-2008, 01:13 PM
It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is
not played outside of America*sniggers like snagglepuss*

Writer???
05-22-2008, 01:45 PM
Yes it was credited (erroneously) to John Cleese when it first appeared years ago.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

It's funny and hey, we'll be glad to take ove..., I mean join the UK. Or at least come save your ass, or feed your people, or bail you out yet again, just give us a call, we don't hold the grudge you all apparently do. :D

But please, please, PALEEESE, if you insist on thick, dark syrupy brew, at least have the decency, to learn and appreciate the world leaders (that'd be US) preference for an icy, cold beverage. Refrigeration, it's a wonderful thing, you ought to check it out, really.

EDT: And, any nation that gives us "schedule" pronounced shedyule - and "school" pronounced skool, has no business telling anyone what letters to use until they at least make up their minds as to how they will be pronounced. :D

Mandy-Jane
05-22-2008, 02:03 PM
Very funny! Although I do take offence at number 11. There is only one kind of proper football, and it's AUSSIE RULES!

Bartholomew
05-22-2008, 02:26 PM
Crap. British Aircraft. How many lanterns do I put up if they come by air?

alleycat
05-22-2008, 02:27 PM
Heck, she couldn't even keep her son from marrying Camilla. "Charles, what do you mean bringing your horse into the palace? Oh, sorry, Camilla."

dpaterso
05-22-2008, 02:47 PM
Some decorum please, Camilla horse jokes are so passé.

-Derek

alleycat
05-22-2008, 02:50 PM
Some decorum please, Camilla horse jokes are so passé.

-Derek
Oh. Right. Too close to the truth.

Sorry.

Komnena
05-22-2008, 02:53 PM
Does this mean planes will now keep to their proper schedules?

alleycat
05-22-2008, 02:59 PM
Does this mean planes will now keep to their proper schedules?
Yes, but dental care will be a thing of the past.

Writer???
05-22-2008, 03:03 PM
Yes, awul palains will kaeep two theah alloted shedyule from this tiem fourwourd.

robeiae
05-22-2008, 03:08 PM
Will Big Oil stop at nothing to line their pockets? Now, they've bought the Queen and are using England to fleece us.

Haggis
05-22-2008, 03:26 PM
I received the following from a friend in British Columbia this morning. I think the piece was written by John Cleese. Aforementioned friend thought it was funny as hell. I politely agreed, then invited him to kiss my crumpets.
--------------------------------------------------------


1.

2. Blah, blah, blah.

------------------------

3. Blah, blah, blah.



------------------


4. Blah, blah, blah.



----------------------



5. Blah, blah, blah.



----------------------



6. Blah, blah, blah.



--------------------


7. Blah, blah, blah.



-------------------



8. Blah, blah, blah.



-------------------



9. The cold tasteless stuff you
insist on calling beer is not actually beer at
all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as beer, and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to
as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable
as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting
Nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American
brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.



---------------------


10.Blah, blah, blah.



---------------------


11. Blah, blah, blah.



---------------------



12. Blah, blah, blah.



--------------------

13. Blah, blah, blah.



-----------------


14.Blah, blah, blah.



---------------


15. Blah, blah, blah.



God Save the Queen!




Indeed. God Save the Queen!

robeiae
05-22-2008, 03:28 PM
You're so blind.

Bmwhtly
05-22-2008, 03:29 PM
Wait, no Australian lager?

Perhaps we should re-animate Cromwell.

JimmyB27
05-22-2008, 03:33 PM
But please, please, PALEEESE, if you insist on thick, dark syrupy brew, at least have the decency, to learn and appreciate the world leaders (that'd be US) preference for an icy, cold beverage. Refrigeration, it's a wonderful thing, you ought to check it out, really.
You know the only reason you have to drink it so cold is to disguise the taste, right?

SPMiller
05-22-2008, 03:35 PM
Don't be misled by my fellow Americans. Many of us appreciate real beer.

And those who don't simply haven't tried it yet and/or can't afford anything but MillerBudCoors.

KTC
05-22-2008, 03:36 PM
The Queen wears Depends. I no longer listen to her when she's speaking to me. I hear, "blah, blah, blah", but I just stare off into space imagining those undergarments turning yellow. I can't take her seriously any more.

KTC
05-22-2008, 03:37 PM
Don't be misled by my fellow Americans. Many of us appreciate real beer.

Pssst. Real beer is made in Canada.

SPMiller
05-22-2008, 03:40 PM
Pssst. Real beer is made in Canada.You do have some pretty good micros, but your macros tend to suck, too :(

Sorry.

robeiae
05-22-2008, 03:54 PM
The only reason there is good English beer is because of Ireland. Let's get that straight, right now.

Canadian beer is fine. U.S. Beer stinks. But the the best beer is to be found in Germany, Austria, and--oddly enough--Belgium.

KTC
05-22-2008, 03:57 PM
Canadian beer is fine. U.S. Beer stinks. But the the best beer is to be found in Germany, Austria, and--oddly enough--Belgium.

My parents came back from a month long trip to Germany/Austria and area a few years back. When asked how the trip was, my father commented only on the beer. You may have a point there. Of all the attractions... his main focus was BEER. Sometimes I think Homer Simpson is a caricature of my father.

alleycat
05-22-2008, 03:58 PM
Wait, no Australian lager?

We haven't forgiven them yet for exporting that Fosters crap to the US.

Althought we do thank them for Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts. ;-)

JimmyB27
05-22-2008, 04:04 PM
We haven't forgiven them yet for exporting that Fosters crap to the US.

Althought we do thank them for Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts. ;-)
In my experience, Fosters actually brewed in Oz is much better. Still not great, but better.
James Squire pilsner is quite possibly the finest lager I've ever tasted. Hard to get even in certain parts of Oz, though.

Bmwhtly
05-22-2008, 04:27 PM
The only reason there is good English beer is because of Ireland. Let's get that straight, right now.There are those who like Bitter that would disagree with you.
and--oddly enough--Belgium.That's not odd. Belgium's famous for it's lager.

We haven't forgiven them yet for exporting that Fosters crap to the US.
I happen to quite like Fosters actually.

alleycat
05-22-2008, 04:36 PM
Just remember, if the US rejoins the UK you will have Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsey Lohan driving on the left side of the road when they haven't yet managed driving on the right (or wearing panties).

JimmyB27
05-22-2008, 04:38 PM
There are those who like Bitter that would disagree with you.
Or, indeed, the multitude of fine ales available.

That's not odd. Belgium's famous for it's lager.
Don't forget the trappist monk beers. The ones that are almost like wine in some cases (they range in strength from about 6% up to around 12% :D)

I happen to quite like Fosters actually.
Someone has to, I suppose. :tongue

Writer???
05-22-2008, 04:45 PM
I received the following from a friend in British Columbia this morning. I think the piece was written by John Cleese. Aforementioned friend thought it was funny as hell. I politely agreed, then invited him to kiss my crumpets.
--------------------------------------------------------
Some English humour

** Important, please read thoroughly! **

To the citizens of the United
States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II



In light of your failure in
recent years to nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective
immediately. - Like you've done such a good job at electing officials. And, you can't really revoke something we kicked your ass to take for ourselves. So just suck the sour grapes and shut-up.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy). - So basically she's gonna sit around and do nothing and have no power over a larger land area, uh, OK.

Your new Prime Minister will appoint a Governor of America eliminating
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. - Notice, hell we'd probably buy you a big stinky, thick and syrupy mug of whatever you call that hot swill you all like so much.

To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)


1. Then look up aluminium,
and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it. - Hmm, "wrongly"/incorrectly, maybe you should do some reading yourself.

2. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour",
"labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn
to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced
by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up "vocabulary"). - Hmm, how do you say and spell the word "or" as in this or that? And the word "our" as in our house? Maybe I ought to just shuve my sise 10 up yer arse, again.

------------------------

3. Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. There is no
such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take into account the
reinstated letter "u" and the elimination
of -ize. - Apparently you haven't made up your minds as to UK English yet. One thing at a time please. First things first "and all that".



------------------


4. You will learn to resolve
personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you're not quite ready
to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not ready to shoot grouse. - You don't seem to mind when there is someone, or millions, you want us to kill for you. And if we need to talk to a therapist, what's it to ya, ya tea sippin' pansy. Where's my gun, call my lawyer.



----------------------



5. Therefore, you will no longer
be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous
than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will
be required if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public. - Hannibal Lector will thank you. Personally.



----------------------



6. All intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of
humour. - Well, I was going to say that you don't have a sense of humor and can't spell worth a damn, but then, you do keep the Royal Family around for laughs, so, I'll just go with the spelling comment this time.



--------------------


7. The Former USA will adopt UK
prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to
it. - We're getting there, just be patient, or pacient, or paishent, just WAIT. (or weight, or wate, oh, nevermind)



-------------------



8. You will learn to make real
chips. Those things you call French fries are not
real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real
chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. - No, unlike you we actually like variety. We have actual names for things that are crisp, we don't simply use an onomatopoeia. As for chips, they are of course perfectly named as they are CHops and/or slIces of PotatoeS - C H I P S, see? It's easy if you have some imagination, try it.



-------------------



9. The cold tasteless stuff you
insist on calling beer is not actually beer at
all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as beer, and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to
as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable
as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting
Nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American
brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion. - Gnat's urine, British bitter, who cares, after several it doesn't really matter anymore, but "Gnat", now that's another thing you really should look into. Just what the hell is it with you all and the silent letters and naming conventions? I mean consider this sentence, I wonce gnu a Knew who culd sa I luv ewe.

Yes, thank you for the English language.



---------------------


10. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching
Gywneth Paltrow attempt English dialogue in Shakespeare in Love was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed with
a cheese grater. - Soon as you get some we will. God actors I mean, not TV stars.



---------------------


11. You will cease playing
American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try
Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash
you, like they regularly thrash us. - Most of us don't really like soccer. That's why we gave it a funny name. You just stay focused on your games, we'll stick with global domination, it's the only REAL sport anyway.



---------------------



12. Further, you will stop
playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is
not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of
you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South
Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries. - You have no rug in rugby, you have no crickets in cricket, no pole in polo, you don't even know what football is and you want to tell us about sports??? At least in baseball, there are bases and balls.



--------------------

13. You must tell us who killed
JFK. It's been driving us mad. - That's our plan, glad to see it working.



-----------------


14. An internal revenue agent
(i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all monies due (backdated to 1776). - Uh, I think you'll be rather disappointed when you get the bill for WWII, but hey, give it a shot.



---------------


15. Daily Tea Time begins
promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits
(cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with
cream) when in season. - Sorry, we're much too busy at 4:00 having lives, making plans, taking over the world, saving lives, feeding the world, rescuing people from evil dictators, bailing out faltering countries, giving endlessly and getting slapped in the face for it by those we give to, you know, being the world leader. Shit like that takes time.



God Save the Queen! - Well heck yeah. 'Cause it ain't everybody can ride around and wave like that!


PS: Go ahead and share this with
your friends in the USA (those with a good sense
of humour.)

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go kill something, eat some potato chips and drink a few bottles of icy cold Gnat's Urine. But that metric thing sounds interesting, I might have to measure my, uh, "friend" in millimeters. I wonder if that's what makes the British so cocky :D. (I crack myslef up sometimes)

clockwork
05-22-2008, 05:14 PM
I first read this in 2000 after the Florida election farce vote. Redrafting it today, I think Cleese would write, "You know what? Nevermind. Seriously. We're fine." :hi: