Challenge - post a paragraph of your recent work for improvement

pilot27407

Sockpuppet
Banned
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 11, 2008
Messages
329
Reaction score
13
Writing is a millenniums old endeavor.
There are as many styles of writing fiction as there are writers and genres.
We write fiction because we feel the need to share our feelings and dreams.
Some even make a career out of it.
But we all want the appreciation of our peers. So, here’s what I propose.
Post a short (not over ten lines) paragraph of your most recent work and let’s all collaborate and turn it into a perfect display of our combined efforts.
 
Last edited:

pilot27407

Sockpuppet
Banned
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 11, 2008
Messages
329
Reaction score
13
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... To find out what ten (or more) minds can do to ten lines.
To share ideas and learn.
 

pilot27407

Sockpuppet
Banned
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 11, 2008
Messages
329
Reaction score
13
So, I should take it there Mom?
 

Shweta

Sick and absent
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 21, 2006
Messages
6,509
Reaction score
2,730
Location
Away
Website
shwetanarayan.org
Whups. Sorry, Birol!

*slinks off sheepishly*

(Figured it should be moved to the Sandbox...)
 

Birol

Around and About
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 11, 2005
Messages
14,759
Reaction score
2,998
Location
That's a good question right now.
Works for me. At least it answers the question of why I don't have the authority to move the thread. It's already been moved out of my domain.

(I was getting excited. I thought I might have succeeded in slipping out of the shock collar. ;) )
 

Stormhawk

Angry Bunny Girl
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 6, 2006
Messages
1,191
Reaction score
117
Location
In my head.
Website
www.requirecookie.com
There are as many stiles of writing fiction as there are writers and genres.
We write fiction because we feel the need to share our feelings and dreams.
Some even make a career out of it.
But we all want the appreciation of out pears. So, here’s what I propose.
Post a short (not over ten lines) paragraph of your most recent work and let’s all collaborate and turn it into a perfect display of our combined efforts.

Just wondering if that was deliberate...cause I'm not sure how you squeeze appreciation out of pears...
 

dpaterso

Also in our Discord and IRC chat channels
Staff member
Super Moderator
Moderator
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 12, 2005
Messages
18,802
Reaction score
4,591
Location
Caledonia
Website
derekpaterson.net
'Tis more suitable for Writing Exercises methinks. <ding!> And lo the thread was moved again. Poor little thread. :cry:

I'd happily post a paragraph or 10 lines from my most recent work, only they don't need improved, they're practically perfect in every way.

I guess that's the challenge? Finding something that's so flawed it can be made better by committee?

:D

-Derek
 

jennontheisland

the world is at my command
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 17, 2006
Messages
7,270
Reaction score
2,125
Location
down by the bay
Writing is a millenniums old endeavor.
There are as many styles of writing fiction as there are writers and genres.
We write fiction because we feel the need to share our feelings and dreams.
Some even make a career out of it.
But we all want the appreciation of our peers. So, here’s what I propose.
Post a short (not over ten lines) paragraph of your most recent work and let’s all collaborate and turn it into a perfect display of our combined efforts.


Um, I gotta say, having read your post about over-writing... wow, no kidding. I glazed over after your first sentence.

So, in 10 words or less...what am I supposed to do here?
 

davids

Banned
Joined
Apr 3, 2006
Messages
7,956
Reaction score
2,804
So, um. Bernie has this brother who is named Saint. Bernie feels disquieted, you see his knickers are on fire and, um, er well in the Machiavellian game of parlor personality he and his brother Saint who is a bi-sexual protestant minister have decided that the devil is in fact God and that being so they may sit on the aspirations of his ministry, color their hair, pile it on top of their heads and do God's work, which, after alls and dones is the collecting of the proper love gifts to accentuate the positive of God and his desire to have us give more than we receive. Amen and amen.

darn it sorry this is just a paragraph of snorts and not of my book-but you may love and cherish it as your very own-love Dave
 

reigningcatsndogs

Too sad for words.
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 18, 2007
Messages
906
Reaction score
3,352
Location
Missing Writer??? May flights of angels carry you
So, um. Bernie has this brother who is named Saint. Bernie feels disquieted, you see his knickers are on fire and, um, er well in the Machiavellian game of parlor personality he and his brother Saint who is a bi-sexual protestant minister have decided that the devil is in fact God and that being so they may sit on the aspirations of his ministry, color their hair, pile it on top of their heads and do God's work, which, after alls and dones is the collecting of the proper love gifts to accentuate the positive of God and his desire to have us give more than we receive. Amen and amen.

darn it sorry this is just a paragraph of snorts and not of my book-but you may love and cherish it as your very own-love Dave


After alls said and dones... :ROFL:
Two issues with this:
Please get the period key fixed on your cornpooper cause I don't think its working;
and would Saint be pronounced Sin, as in St. John, which is pronounced Sin Jin?

Me thinks your worked on this while contemplating all Gordon Jerome accoutrements.
 

JJ Cooper

.
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Mar 28, 2007
Messages
2,511
Reaction score
1,247
Location
On a big Island
Are we supposed to add on or critique to make it better? I'll try the later with davids post.

So, um. Bernie has this brother who is named Saint. Bernie feels disquieted, you see his knickers are on fire. He and um, er well in the Machiavellian game of parlor personality he and his brother, Saint who is a bi-sexual protestant minister, have decided that the devil is responsible.

In fact, they think God and that being so they may sit on the have aspirations of his ministry, to color their hair, pile it on top of their heads and do God's work. Which after alls and dones is the collecting of the proper love gifts to accentuate their positive of God and his desires to have us give more than we receive devil knickers. Amen and amen.

Did I get it right?

JJ
 

davids

Banned
Joined
Apr 3, 2006
Messages
7,956
Reaction score
2,804
Are we supposed to add on or critique to make it better? I'll try the later with davids post.



Did I get it right?

JJ

pretty damned close eggcept cha forgot to line out the rest of the crap-nice job-appreciate it-will cornsideer the correctipations and re post in about a year and a half-love and thanks Dave
 

davids

Banned
Joined
Apr 3, 2006
Messages
7,956
Reaction score
2,804
After alls said and dones... :ROFL:
Two issues with this:
Please get the period key fixed on your cornpooper cause I don't think its working;
and would Saint be pronounced Sin, as in St. John, which is pronounced Sin Jin?

Me thinks your worked on this while contemplating all Gordon Jerome accoutrements.


No then yes!!!!
 

davids

Banned
Joined
Apr 3, 2006
Messages
7,956
Reaction score
2,804
No then yes!!!!
oh and it is of course Sin Jin-smart lady what you be!!!!

i was gonna call himi Norman St. John (procounced sin jin) Smythe-do you think that a tad too much or perhaps too foreyean?
 

reigningcatsndogs

Too sad for words.
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 18, 2007
Messages
906
Reaction score
3,352
Location
Missing Writer??? May flights of angels carry you
oh and it is of course Sin Jin-smart lady what you be!!!!

i was gonna call himi Norman St. John (procounced sin jin) Smythe-do you think that a tad too much or perhaps too foreyean?

I think it requires further consultation with the Gordon Jerome Memorial movement. Nothing works quite right when he's not on the job.